A Year in Life

When I think of 2018, I feel on top of the world.

This year, I moved out, started over, and found a new life. I found people in my life that I want to stick around and that I think that they want to stick around too so thats always fun.

I started over in Vermont. I mean yes, I was already living in Vermont when this year started but living there and not moving back to Ohio was the best choice I have made.

I started this year getting over all the drama from the year before. I was struggling to keep myself and the relationship I was in going and it ended up just not working out. I ended up becoming very manic and not really dealing with reality.

I soon hit a low point where I then confided in someone who I spent a good chunk of this year finding myself with him then I ever realized. He made me really examine myself of who I was and who I could become. Without him, I wouldn't be at my job or be living in my apartment. Without him, I don't think I wouldve faced my mental illness in the face and really told it that I wouldn't let it ruin another relationship.

The reason why that certain guy isn't in my life is because he couldn't handle my mental illness and I couldn't handle the distance or that's what I tell myself. He is a huge part of 2018. He is one of the main reasons why I survived. Honestly one of three people who helped me get through this year.

This year brought me though, basically the light of my existence. When I found out my step mom was pregnant, I didn't know what to think. Especially at twenty years old. Then I saw pictures of him  and my life changed. I decided then I was gonna make sure I was always living. I don't want him to grow up and learn about me through pictures and tears and memories. I want him to know me by weeks I spend with him watching Pokemon and Cat in the Hat. I want him to see pictures we took at family holidays and me giving him advice when he is older. I tell myself that I need to keep going on the worst days because of him. He is my lock screen on my phone and the pure reasons why guys think I have a kid at home when they ask me out on dates and honestly I wouldn't have it any other way. I am forever thankful for Anderson.

I am so thankful for this year. I look back at this year and for the first time in so long that I actually look back and smile. I smile at the trials and get excited at the fact that I made it through. I really made it.

Ive spent some good time in Ohio the last week and a half, and I have been really looking back at the comparison of the difference a year makes. I am not the same girl who left Ohio a year ago. I dont even know the girl from a year ago. Ohio holds a lot of bad memories for me. It holds my rape and it holds the years where I felt like I was living by a thread. Spending time here has made me realize that Vermont is my home. Vermont is where in ways I have gotten my life together. It is the new start I always dreamed about. I got to go somewhere where no one knows me. I got to ignore all the bad things that happened and make new memories.

For the first time in what seems like ever, I can generally say I am happy.

I have been so on top of the world in 2018 and I can't wait to see what the next year throws at me.

To My Last Boyfriend

I should hate you for cheating. That is the first thing that comes to my mind when I think of you is that I should completely hate you but I don't.

I do think of how pathetic you are but hey this isn't a blog post trashing you well not completely anyways.

When you first met me, I was dealing with a roommate who barley spoke to me. A job that made me suicidal and a manic episode that you didn't ever fully understand. You fixed my glasses in a Walmart parking lot. You let me kiss you because it felt right. We had fun and for the first time I felt like maybe something would go right.

You let me deal with my ex at the time and helped me through the hardest part of the year. I wonder sometimes if we got through that and made it why couldn't we have made it through this? As time went on, I never thought of us having an expiration date. I met your mom and she was terrifying and wonderful all at the same time. I was excited of the relationship I was planing on building with her. I met your best friend. The one who I made jokes about stealing you away from me all the time. I thought he was pretty cool too. Gotta give props to the guy who third wheeled us.

I will never forget the way you told me to get over my mental illness. You told me you didn't understand why I couldn't just get out of bed. You didn't understand why some days were a bad day even though nothing happened. Remember when you told me my mental illness didn't make me a bad girlfriend? Guess you regret saying that huh?

I remember getting the text from a friend about finding you on tinder. I remember fighting back on tears at work. I remembering wanting to scream at you when you called me that night. I remember praying and hoping that it was just some stupid mistake because you never seemed like the guy who would cheat on his girlfriend even if they were having problems. But you did and didn't even say sorry.

You broke up with me on a Sunday afternoon. I remember you standing on the edge of my bed telling me some bullshit excuse of how it was just over. You didn't want to understand my mental illness. You met someone else and just won't tell me but I know.

I spent a week trying to get you back. I tried so hard. I should've realized that when you didn't try then I should've stopped trying. I should've realized that when you got drunk instead of talking or realized when you blew me off that night that it was over.

It wasn't all negative. I am very for thankful for some parts of our relationship. Thank you for teaching me about my self worth. Thank you for teaching me that I should love myself when sometimes I just don't want too cause I don't feel like I should. Thank you for taking risks with me and showing me more of New England than I thought I would ever see. Thank you for teaching me how relationships should be 50/50 and full of compromise and passion. Thankful for teaching me about forgiveness and hope. Thank you for being one of a few people who saw potential in me in a time where I saw rock bottom again.

Thank you for making me feel so bad that I was able to truly cry for the first time in months. That allowed me to finally be more hopeful for the future. I can finally see myself in a much better place.

I hope you don't cheat on your next girlfriend. I hope and pray that you allow yourself to learn all about mental illness and actually understand how painful it is and how much it freaken sucks to deal with this on a daily basis. I hope you learn a lot about forgiveness. I am not gonna miss all the fighting and the worrying and banter about baseball. I won't miss trying to get ahold of you only to be told that you'd call me hours later. I will miss all the stupid snapchats and pictures. I'll miss hour long conversations where I am laughing till I am crying. I will miss debates about college football. I will miss who I once thought was my best friend.

Here's to new beginnings and the future.

its okay to not be okay

I recently got out a relationship that has consumed my life for the last five months.

It was the type where at first it was magical and sweet and uncomplicated and it seemed too good to be true. I cant pinpoint exactly why it ended but maybe it ended when my friend sent me a screenshot of my then boyfriend on tinder when he was at drill only an hour or two maybe three away from me in Vermont. Maybe it was over when he told me to get over my mental illness and i cried to my dad about it because I never understood how a guy like him could just tell me to get out of bed when it was physically/mentally impossible.

I spent a week trying to get him back. I prayed to God that we would get back together. I kept up with baseball even though for the life of me I will never like it or even try to understand it.

I confronted him finally about the cheating and all he said to me was that he didn't want to break up with me he wanted to do it in person. He told me how he didn't want to attempt to understand my mental illness. He didn't wanna try to make it work. He didn't apologize for cheating.

I cried for three hours the night I confronted him. I called a friend in Ohio and sobbed because I couldn't wrap my head around it. I couldn't understand why someone who I thought was one of the  most sweetest selfless guys would cheat on someone he used to tell daily how much he liked and cared about.

I have been spending the last week thinking through every little detail and yes I am that kind of person who needs to think everything though. I've learned that this breakup sucks it really sucks but I am gonna pick myself up and move forward. I am going to become the best person I can be and look forward to the future and whatever it brings.

I realize that even though I have hope and faith for the future, that it is okay to be sad. It is okay to grieve over this relationship. One of my favorite artists said this quote that I have been living by lately, "It's okay but it isn't okay to give up."

A year ago me, would probably be still begging her dumb ex for a spot in her life even though he doesn't deserve it. A year ago, I would be forcing myself to go to work and attempt to smile. Today, I am going to work because I need to survive and i am smiling because it is another bump in the road. I sometimes do not want to admit it but I have a full life ahead of me.

This isn't define me.

I may not be okay right now but sometime soon it will be so worth it.

-Kyrsten

words I may never say to you.

When I am struggling with something or actually kinda avoiding telling someone something I blog about it.

2018 has been the craziest year in terms of finding my independence, learning how to live outside of my comfort zone when needed, and of course being the typical person trying new things.

I am grateful. I am so grateful for all the new friends and the new experiences. I have laughed and smiled more in the last 6-8 months or so than I have in years.

I met a guy probably about five months ago give or take a couple of days. I remember going on our first date and just enjoying each others company and then my glasses broke. I didn't have money nor the insurance to get a new pair or get an eye exam so we went to Walmart. I remember going through Walmart and just making jokes but at the same time typical me panicking because hey I actually need to see. We got super glue and sat in the Walmart parking lot trying to fix them. I remember being on a  first date flipping praying that they would get fixed. Behold they did get fixed and me being the typical person I kissed him.

I remember going through the worst time this year between losing my apartment and having to move and then having to wait two weeks to actually move into a new place. During those two weeks, I had that boys constant companionship making me laugh and smile and making sure I didn't lose my mind. I remember being in the car with him for hours going to Connecticut to go see Warped Tour and seeing bands that he had heard maybe one song from each and some he had never heard.

I remember walking out of there feeling on top of the world living in some fairy tale. 

My favorite thing was always going to Applebee's and enjoying each other's company by just laughing or debating about how I didn't like baseball or how Alabama was better than Ohio State in football. I loved the late night phone calls and the fact that I had a best friend and a boyfriend all at the same time.

Relationships are not perfect. The honeymoon phase DOES end and you guys face real problems. Right off the gate, it was long distance and my mental health. My mental health has never been easy for any of my relationships. I self-isolate, I don't want to get out of bed most days, I get very anxious, and that became a problem. We fought and instead of opening myself up to teach him I pushed him away and I know now it wasn't fair.

Long distance is never easy. I have been in a long distance relationship from Alaska to Ohio. Utah to Ohio. Heck guys who lived hours away in the same state. It happens. I'm not a fan of it but if it happens then it happens. It gets real tough with my mental health and my constant need of affection and reaffirmation that everything is okay and you aren't cheating on me.

It took one Sunday after a drill weekend for it all to end and honestly? I have been kinda lost. It is kinda like a piece of me is missing. You don't honestly know what you have until it is gone. That sentence itself is honestly heartbreaking.

Life is life. Things happen. If it is meant to be then it will be meant to be. That's what I continue to tell myself as I go through the motions of each day.

Why I Didn't Report

With Dr. Ford coming out and sharing her story and what happened with Judge Kavanaugh I would like to share a story.

As many know, I was raped May 18, 2017. I remember how when I told him I didn't consent, he told him because I was still and quiet I consented. I remember how he was drunk and the way he pinned me down. The way that still to this very day I extremely anxious to this day about motorcycles because he loves them. I remember going to the doctor after being in excruciating pain for days on end only to find out that I was severely bruised from forced entry. I will never forget the anxiety attack I had when they gave me a shot with a needle the length from my wrist to my elbow to make sure I didn't have an STD.

I didn't report. I didn't come forward to anyone outside of my immediate family and friends for months.

Why?

I was scared. I was scared that I was gonna sit in a courtroom and lose. I was scared that I was gonna tell someone outside of my family and they would look at me and tell me it didn't happen. I was scared that I would constantly relive the worst night of my life so I could get justice.

Dr. Ford like many victims most likely spend years and years scared and alone with this secret. I bet it was when it was announced that Justice Kavanaugh was nominated, it brought back feelings and motivated her to come forward. She finally felt like she was going to get justice and it got shoved back in her face.

The National Sexual Violence Resource Center states that 63 percent of sexual assaults are not reported to police. Sixty Three. People who are sexually assaulted do not want to speak out because of cases like Dr.Ford.

My rape was the worst day of my life. I didn't report so I could save myself from more emotional damage than I already went through. It is damaging and it makes you feel like a terrible person.

Dr. Ford did what was best for her. She like many victims was not believed and that is exactly why people like me didn't want to report.

Life Moves On

i'm alive.

That is all I can think about when I think of the last year. It has been 365 days since I was in the hospital for the last time. 

I remember exactly what happened when my dad threw me in the car and we went to the hospital. I was fighting with my mom and I was also very suicidal. I told my siblings I wanted to die and they told me to go get help. I remember my little sisters crying and my brother holding his composure as he had to come along to the car ride so I wouldn't jump out of the car.

I remember crying all the way there and still being in denial that I needed to get help. I remember hating myself because I was in the hospital a little over four months before. Why did I have to go again? I beat myself up because of it.

The hospital I stayed at before was full and I made a big deal about it because my psychiatrist worked there part time and I trusted him. I didn't trust anyone else. I mouthed off really loud about how I wasn't gonna go the hospital and I was fine. Then the nurse told me that she pink slipped me and she made my dad and brother leave. Her pink slipping me meant I was going to a hospital no matter what and I had no choice. I then had a panic attack and I cried and cried.

Finally early in the morning, I signed myself in the hospital and I spent a week figuring out myself. 

My week in there, I laughed and cried harder than I had in months. I met people who will always have a place in my heart. I remember spending nights chilling with everyone and hanging out with the nurses talking about whatever. 

I reflect back to my hospitalization and just think wow I am alive. I didn't think I was gonna get this far. I honestly say that a lot but I don't think I would hit major milestones.

Today, I am living life. I finally moved out of my dads. He left from Vermont in May and I stayed in Vermont. I have a full time job and I am also in a pretty great relationship.

The last 365 days have been the hardest but best moments of my life. My mental illness is still a very important part of my life. I still have bad days. I still sometimes want to lay in bed all day and do nothing. I also have really good days and days where I laugh till I cry and smile like it is out of style.

It happens. Life moves on and I am going to try to enjoy every minute of it.

Second Choices

Life hasn't been very fair to me lately. 

It seems like one thing has been really happening after another. I kinda sunk back into this normal pattern. I work and I come home from work and survive. I do what I can to the bare minimum. That's how the last week and a half or so has been. 

I was gonna write a blog post about why (I think) I have been feeling so off. I know recently, I have been feeling a lot like the second choice or I guess the second option to everyone. Between relationships, jobs, the military(I can't help that but still) I just have felt second. So I kinda did what I do best. I self isolate, push away, and survive. I'm pretty sure the only person I haven't really pushed away is my father but I mean lets be real hes one of the best people I know. Not the point.

Anyways, I have been doubting myself a lot. I have been trying to figure out so much of my life at one time. I think that is partly because SO many people I know are getting engaged, married, having babies, going on missions, etc. I am like "hey I really wanna go back to school." "hey i wanna move here" "hey I wanna do this and I think its right" I feel stuck. I mean I am not really stuck. I live in a great state and have great people around me. I just kinda wish I was doing more with my life but hey it happens.

After really thinking and debating n my head. I may have my moments and I act like an idiot but i deserve nothing but the best. I deserve for people to realize that I am not the girl that you call when you are having problems in your relationship. I am not the girl you just wait for the best moment to hit up. 

I deserve to have things work in my favor. I deserve to have people in my world who love and care about me. I deserve for someone to look at me the way Derek looks at Meredith in Greys Anatomy when he realizes that she is the girl he is in love with. I may have to take a back seat to the military and ya know that is okay. I totally understand. I want the time in my life where I wake up and not dread what I have to do that day or be extremely anxious about some really dumb situation.

It is gonna take some time and a hell of a lot of patience and until then I am gonna do me and just go with it.

-Kyrsten

Long Live

I have had a lot on my mind recently that has made it so hard to write lately. So here goes.

This is a story that a friend of mine graciously let me share.

Awhile ago, my friend met this guy and they hit it off. The chemistry between them was undeniable. 

The fact about the whole thing is that it was complicated. They were both in relationships. She swore up and down that she was happy and content with where she was at and he told her that it wasn't gonna last very much longer. She felt for him but at the same she knew they were playing a dangerous game.

As time went on, they continued to get to know to each other and things seemed really content. She enjoyed his company and she liked to think that maybe he enjoyed his company too. She convinced herself that nothing was gonna happen. In reality, nothing was going to. This boy had so many plans with his life and she couldn't stop him. It wasn't her place. He was so determined and he lit up every time he talked about it and that itself made her happy. 

She wants to have hope and faith that one day things would work out. She realized that this was just another life lesson in her book full of them. He was someone that she knew from the moment they talked that he was going to really impact her life. It was just up to her whether it was a good or a bad way. After talking to her, she still tells me that they still talk and interact but she knows deep down that they still have a connection. A connection that is their own little world. It is genuine and uncomplicated while complicated all at a same time. Whenever she talks to me about this she talks with a smile and ends up saying whatever happens happens.

The both of us listened to Taylor Swift's "Long Live" and she laughed and smiled and thought of the boy who turned her life upside down for a moment but made her realize that in a world of craziness she could have her own little bubble. She is forever thankful for that. 

I personally love the quote from the song, "I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you"

Makes it feel everything and more.

I guess what I learned is that everyone comes into your life at a certain life for a reason. We may not be totally ready for them and heck they may not be totally be ready for us but it happens. They always teach us a lesson and it is a good one or a bad one but it is something that most of us won't forget.

I am forever thankful for everyone who has been in and out of my life and the lessons they have left. Also thankful to my friend who inspired this blog post and finally broke my writers block.

-Kyrsten

World Suicide Prevention Day

Almost two years ago, I lost someone who if I had one more chance I feel like I could've made a difference.

I was in her position for years on end and it wasn't until last year that I got help. In 11 days, it will have been one year since I was admitted to the hospital for my last inpatient treatment. In those 5-6 days that I was there I learned more about myself and about coping mechanisms and other things that I needed to survive.

It hasn't been easy. I have taken off work and have had days where I laid in bed ignoring everything and everyone because I was that depressed. I remember fighting with my dad leading up to my last stint in treatment saying how I just wanted to die. I remember my sisters crying about how they didn't want to see that for me.

So again, I went to treatment. I guess this is turning into an emotional post about my last stint in treatment but honestly I wouldn't be alive writing this. I was at the point where I just wanted to end it all.

I am so thankful to be alive a little under a year later.

I have found so many reasons to live. Four months ago, my step mom gave birth to the cutest baby brother ever. I haven't met Anderson yet but I want my baby brother to know his older sister. I want him to know that I will always be around through everyone he goes through. I realize that my family still needs me and what not. I used to think that God gave up on me and maybe that is the reason why I am so depressed all the time. God never gave up on me. I know God puts me through the things that He knows that I can handle.

Mental Illness is no joke. I still struggle to talk about it sometimes. It is something though really needs to be talked about more. I know that I have found so so much comfort in my mental illness when people open up about theirs. It takes one story one person to be brave for someone else to realize that they are not alone.

The last two years have been the hardest but for the first time in a long time I have so much to live for and I am so thankful to be alive.

-Kyrsten

Blessings and Sprained Ankles

So I am not the most positive person in the world.

Everyone knows it and yeah that's life.

Lately, I have realized that me dwellng on every single little negative thing. Well most of them, as that has been my mind set for the longest time. I honestly believe that it is the reason why I have sunk so badly in my depression.

Anyways, I got sick and tired of being exhausted all the time so I thought I would change my attitude first and really go from there.

It has been a game changer. I have started just finding the little blessings of each and everyday and thinking about that instead of thinking of about the bad things during the day. I normally tweet about my blessings because actually writing them out aka making them public makes me feel like they matter and it actually happened. I am not that weird I promise.

Thinking about today it was honestly crazy due to a coworker showing up two hours late and throwing everything off schedule. Butttt theres always little blessings. I got a good amount of tips. The coworker who I thought I was struggling to get along with(I swore up and down she didn't like me) and I got along really well and we worked together well. We arent the best of friends but I don't think we hate each other.(I think that is one of the biggest blessings of the day honestly haha) I also didn't wake up right before work so I had time to eat and watch a little bit of my favorite show which is so much better than being rushed about everything.

Thinking mostly about the good things has gone so good. I honestly feel like I have a little bit more energy throughout the day. I feel like I laugh and smile a little bit more. My depression and anxiety don't seem to be in a corner laughing about how they can make my life a miserable mess. Yeah stupid things happened today, like again it was super hot today and my feet hurt after work and so.much.ice.cream but it happened. It is another day in my life and honestly it won't matter tomorrow. I look foward to the next day and what it brings.

Something that has been a blessing in disquise is having a sprained ankle since Saturday. You are probably honestly wondering why that may honestly be but just listen. It is a fun story. I wore a new pair of shoes late last week and I got a nasty blister and it was huge on my heel so me being a natrual toe walker(thanks Cerbreal Palsy) I walked on my toes and I somehow tisted my ankle. It felt funny Friday but I went on my day and then Saturday my ankle swelled up to the size of a golf ball and man that wasn't fun. Also funny thing, I also broke out in a rash thanks to the band-aid and the neosporin i put on my blister but hey life is funny right?

Here's where the blessings come in. I called my nurse of a dad limping home and I talked to him and he said get home ice and elavate the usual. So I did that and I prayed and prayed that the swelling would go down at least a little so I could attend church the next day and so I could buy a wrap for it. I took some bendaryl and some motrin(life savers I promise) and the next morning the sweling was down enough that I could attend church and decently walk to get the wrap.

Now the swelling has gone down and now it is just bruised a lot which honestly I am so thankful for. It could've been so much worse but if it wasn't for modern medicine and my dad I probably would've had to miss work and stayed in bed crying in pain. I am thankful for this lesson of wearing socks with new Sperry's that I always seem to forget.

My life never seems to be boring that is a fact but I am trying to live the best of it.

-Kyrsten

Anxiety At It's Finest

I should be sleeping but ya know the drill.

I went off my medications about a month and a half ago due to insurance reasons and it has been the toughest battle. I want to talk about because I feel like so many people need insight on how to handle people better who have mental illnesses and so forth.

Lately, my anxiety has been through the roof. I started a new job, moved into a new apartment, basically started over. I have never been so awkward in my life. I get so anxious when meeting new people. I get anxious about things that are not in my control(thanks ocd youd the real friend).

It has been hard to say the least.

It has been a lot on my mind a lot because I recently moved into a new apartment and I just am so anti social it kinda hurts. I feel so bad because honestly I don't have bad roommates, I mean we are a week in things might change. I am so kidding honestly but real talk. They seem great people and I know I am not gonna get screwed over couple months down the road like I did last time. My anxiety is so bad that today I got excited for saying hi and what not. I may have not made eye contact cause I was heading straight for my room but hey little victories?

I also feel like my anxiety attacks me a lot at work and I feel like that shows. For those who don't know well sorry actually most of you don't because I finally can blog when I want. Anyways, I got a job at a little convenience store in town and it has a deli that I am working in. It is crazy because I never saw myself working in a deli. Never saw myself cutting meat or doing anything like that. I love doing customer service and I always veered towards that. 

At work, I will think I got something down and I get confident and ether someone will look at me the wrong way or someone does it maybe in a better/faster way and bam there goes my confidence and I will dwell like no tomorrow on it. It sucks but it is life.

Not having meds has really made me think and dwell on my mental illness alot. It makes me realize I took healthcare for advantage and how sometimes I really need to get my life together and sometimes I need help. I hate asking for help.

Saying that though, I have the best people in my life. I have people who for the most part understand mental illness. And honestly when I say most part I feel like no one truly understands mental illness because everyone is so different. Everyone reacts different and has different levels of how things truly make them feel. When the people in my life don't understand, I surely help them to make sure that they do and it helps the both of them out.

This isn't a post in the slightest of pitty and just saying "Oh i have anxiety" It is a struggle and it is an experience. It used to be something that my early teen self would sit in the basement and cry because I swore up and down no one understood me. I don't want anyone feeling that way so I branch out when I can and share my story through my blog because that is the easiest for me.

Two Years: Revisted

I have attempted to write a blog post like this but it has actually just come to this conclusion so here goes. And before people accuse me of whatever, just read the rest!

2 years ago I fell harder than ever. Over the last two years, I watched this guy change into someone I completely loved and looked up to. No matter what I was doing with my life, who was in it, he was in the back of my mind. Writing this is actually one of the hardest things I have had to do other than sending him off on his mission. I actually never thought I would have to write this but life has taken so many different directions.

I have struggled with everything under the sun in the last two years. Relationships(friends, family, dating), mental health, living situations, people you name it basically but he stayed. Every week minus 8 ish was something whether it was an email saying "Keep going" or a message saying "Hi" it happened. I was grateful. Though the tears, small victories, the large victories, and the trials he was there.

I watched my 19 year old best friend serve Mexico with all of his heart and fall in love serving the Lord as I fell with him. He knew how I felt and that's what I used to keep going. I told myself I'd get that chance. I mean he HAD to give the girl who wrote him for two years. Who knew.

He didn't and he doesn't. That honestly was a hard pill to swallow. A new scripture from the Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 2:27 talks about agency and the willing to make choices. He has the choice whether or not to talk to me and do whatever he wants. I can't wait around for that choice.

In the last 2 years I have struggled with religion. I basically became a model for Anti-Mormons. I drank, I got tattoos, I stopped going to church and basically laughed at religion. He knew this and regardless he sent me scriptures and talks by leaders. Today, I find myself as what I call a progressing inactive. I am learning again about my faith and sometimes struggling but believing in God and His power. I meet with the local missionaries, pray when I remember and read my scriptures. I always thought he would be the one beside me but it is what it is. As I go back to church, I realize I am doing this for myself not for him. I wouldn't be able to do it without so many great people in my life.

The future is unknown. I sent off a boy who returned with honor and what happened happened. I am struggling to find the words to say but loving that boy for the last two years has been beyond crazy and self discovering. I'm thankful and sad but at the end of the day I am so glad I loved someone like him.

At the end of the day, maybe God put him in my life just for him to help through the bad so I could get through it. Who knows. I will forever thank God for giving me someone like him to love.

To The Boy I’m Letting Go.

I should’ve written this months ago. I should’ve realized months ago that nothing was gonna work out. Yet I still had hope that it was gonna work out. I still prayed every single day that at the end of the day you would choose me.

Now I realize that maybe I dreamt of this reality of you and me. That was my mistake. I had so many dreams about you and me, I thought that maybe it would work. Maybe at the end of this you would tell me that you’ve been feeling the same way the entire time.

I’ve waited and waited and I can’t do it anymore. It’s taken all of me to write this. It’s taken all of me to take off my necklace and push it to the side. I want to sell it but I’m scared and I don’t want to let go. Part of me thinks that maybe if I get rid of it then something will happen. 

People tell me to give it time and that I should be hopeful. I’ve given it most of the time that I’ve had and it’s gotten me no where.  I can’t wait around any longer. I loved you when I didn’t love myself. I keep trying to think of reasons why this didn’t work and I have a list but at the end of the day I’m still defending you when I shouldn’t.

Read this or not I don’t care. I am doing this for myself. I’m doing this so I can stop spending nights thinking about what if. I’m doing this to finally stop being sad about what is never gonna happen. 

Maybe someday I’ll find someone like you and they won’t hurt me the way you did. Maybe I will not be haunted by the ghost of you. Maybe I can finally delete all the photos. I pray you find some happiness and peace in your life. I kinda hope one day you’ll realize what you did. I don’t expect an apology. 

One day I’ll be fine. Until then, goodbye.

-Kyrsten

Two Years

Here I am with another blog post!

This time on an actual computer but im not used to the keyboard so be prepared for typos.

Most of my friends left on missions roughly two years ago. Literally within weeks of each other.

Now again within weeks they are ether home or coming home which is crazy. I love them to death but it has made me do a lot of reflecting from the last two years.

In the last two years, I have been through hell and back.  I went from just assuming I had a mental illness to being diagnosed with roughly five of them in the process. It was a crazy change. I went from never going to the doctor to constantly going to the doctor for med checks and making sure that I haven't jumped off the nearest bridge. I also was the skinniest I had been in forever. I think I was so skinny that if I didnt gain weight I was going to be hospitalized.

I was in two serious relationships in the last two years and honestly those really changed my perception on a lot of things. It honestly made me realized what I wanted. It was something that really made me and broke me all at the same time. I fell in love and in the end it didn't work out. I told myself I was be married by the time my friends got back. No literally. I remember walking to my friends apartment with my best friend and we made a bet for when he came home from his mission and i remember in the back of my head I was like well if im not married by then. Hahaha funny stuff.

After the relationships or some time in between, I was figuring out who I was and how to control myself. I ended up spending a lot of time out of control more than in it. I remember crying a lot and wanting my friends home from their missions right then and now. By the time my first major incident happened, I had three friends on a mission. I spent roughly five days in a mental health facility. All so I could get my mental health in check. That was roughly eight months or so after my first diagnosis.

I tried serving a mission and then being the girl who got married and I couldn't do it. I just wasn't able to do it. I look back and man I thought I could never get through it.

But I did.

I look at the situation where my life has been a joke basically for the last two months or so. It sucks like almost everyday but everything happens for a reason.  As much as I hate the current situation I am in and wish it was over I do realize that I am so much stronger than I let on. I think about how my now two best friends are home(basically) from their missions and how I am so thankful to have people like them in my life. They have let me rant and rave to them about the crap going on in my life and also still teaching the wonderful people of Mexico and Colorado. Thank you for giving them back by the way lol. They have grown so much in the gospel and I seriously look up to them so much.

I know I am not the same person from two years ago. Hell, I am not the same person from six months ago. I think the difference this time is that I know that I can get through it even though somedays all I want to do is hide under the covers. Everyday is a new learning experience and I am beyond ready for it. As much as I don't want certain things to happen I have to deal with it. Another difference I notice is that this time I know what I want and I am not afraid of getting it. I also don't really have a filter and basically say whatever I want so. I don't let things really get in my way.

I didn't except this blog post to be as a long as it is so sorry for that honestlyyyy so

Enjoy this blog and i am pretty sure I am going to be blogging a lot more at least for the next week because I finally have a computer in my face and I have a lot of post ideas that need to be let out lol

Thanks for dealing with meeee

-Kyrsten

Blogging iPhone style

WHAT IS UP

it has been almost a month since my last blog post and I’ve been dying literally dying(just kidsing) to blog for y’all. So here I am blogging.

You guys are probably confused on why my blog title is the way it is i an blogging from my iPhone due to the fact that I’ve been dying to blog forever but hey STORY TIME.

So remember my really crappy roommate? So I moved out from that place and I was supposed(key word) move into another place like ether the week after or later on in the week. I don’t remember bear with me. Anyways I sent the landlord the deposit and I was supposed to get the keys move in and bam give her the rent the following week when I got paid from both jobs. Well the landlord then magically decided they(this gets better) needed it NOW so I cried and scrambled to get the money and I sent it to them only to never hear from the couple again. I called and cried and texted and cried and cried some more and nothing. So there’s the shorten version of how I got scammed out of $1000.

So I stayed with two friends. I spent one night with one friend and the other night with the other and so on. I became super depressed and suicidal because I just wanted my own place. I am so thankful for my friends but there’s only so much you can handle by living out of two bags while your stuff is stored with one friend and you get anxious about where you are sleeping that night.

So I tried to find a place to live and it sucked between one of my jobs became highly toxic at the same time as me not having a place to live. No matter what I didn’t do anything right for my manager
She gave me dirty looks all the time and made me so anxious that I went to friends houses and cried. It also got so bad that I started having nightmares about work. My panic attacks also made a comeback. You see I would open all the time and I would be hella anxious on who would open with me. I almost cried of pure joy when it wasn’t my manager and when it was I could feel the panic in my body and all that went through my head was that I wasn’t good enough and I couldn’t do anything right. I remember clear as day I was working with people I liked and my anxiety was low and then my manager came in for a bit and I had a huge panic attack. I could feel the blush creeping on my face and I couldn’t breath and I almost threw up. It was a nightmare. I put in my two weeks as soon as I could because I was miserable. Between everything going on with my personal life and then the emotional drama I dealt with work I finally just quit. People who know me know I only quit one other job so this was rare but sometimes you just gotta put your mental health first.

Anyways after that drama, I had someone recommended I move up north so I expanded my search and prayed. I finally got the answer that I needed out of Montpelier as soon as possible as it become toxic full of lies and negativity and ex boyfriends who I saw all the time. I found a place twenty minutes north in a cute little town called Waterbury. This time the landlord was patient and we talked about me moving in two weeks after we talked and I’d have the money and he’d mail the keys and boom set. He sent me emails of the place and I checked it out and this time it seemed legit. So I transferred my one job to another store and was dead set on moving to Waterbury. Well when this week started I texted him and was like hey is this still a go blah blah blah. Usually he replies in a timely manner so I don’t need to worry. HAHAHA. Well he never replied

Literally.

Six texts one email and a very upset Kyrsten I was back at square one.


So every website I could try I signed up put an ad whatever. I was so desperate that I put an ad on Craigslist twice.  I waited and prayed and cried a little till I got a text from someone about a room in an apartment for just my price range I could move in when I needed too and the other people that weren’t gonna be livIng there weren’t coming back till the end of September so BAM. I was/am trilled. I’ve kept quiet about my soon to be place because I swear if I would talk about it something would happen. So I told my close friends about the possibility kept in contact with the landlord and here we are two days away from moving day. Well one by the time you all read this.

Oh one more thing that has happened so. I went to pick up my meds from the store I was so ready for them cause they are normally are refilled within like a week or two minus one of them but I was running out of meds and anti depressants are the reason why I’m alive basically. Well here’s the kicker. I applied or started to apply for Vermont health insurance since I’ve lived here forever and ya know I need to go see a doctor duh. Well anyways my ex roommate never got my mail no matter how many times I told him I was expecting something important. Probably because he was high abusing the cat drunk or all of the above. So I was like okay well I still have my Ohio insurance covering my meds until I move WELLL

Nope: my heath insurance ran out about two weeks ago. So I withdrawed from all my anti depressants and it is literal hell. I don’t wish it on my worst enemy. Get off psych meds safe and sound not cold turkey like I had too. I was sick forever on top of everything else.

Anyways, I don’t wanna jinx it but my life is slowly getting better. I have job interviews lined up. I’m gttting more stable with my anxiety(some days). I’m not so suicidal right now and I’m even gonna start heading in the right direction of going back to church. Just continue to pray for me.

I honestly wanna give a shoutout to all the people who have heard me complain and cry and get mad during the last three weeks. Shoutout to my best friend Shane who had let me crash at his place and fed me and hung out with me while I closed and needed a friend. Also thankful for all the people who have prayed for me lately. I’ve felt the prayers and the love and God has truly blessed me

Basically this has been the center of my life the last three weeks. Minus dating and other stuff I’m not  ready to talk about. Other blogs to come super soon when I’m actually not typing on my phone and on my laptop.

PEACE GUYS✌🏻

You’ll hear from me soon.

-Kyrsten

The Dreaded Move

For the millionth time it seems like I am moving.

It seems like all I do is move but this time it isn't my fault. I promise.

Two or so months ago, my dad was getting ready to go back to Ohio but I didn't wanna go home. So I was looking for ether a roommate or some sort of housing. My dad found this guy(who is gonna be nameless) who needed a roommate. I met the guy later in the week and he seemed decent to room with while I saved up for my own place.

Well, as you can tell that didn't work out. I was miserable in the situation. My roommate smoked a lot of week. Our apartment ether smelled like cat feces,weed, and or alcohol. I didn't mind the weed honestly but after awhile the apartment smelling like weed became a problem.

I tried hard to look past the weed but soon after there was an incident that dealt with the cat. One night my best friend and i were chilling in my room after I closed Subway and my roommate also had people over. You could smell the weed through the vent and all of a sudden you heard a male voice that sounded exactly like my roommate and the cat screaming at the top of its lungs. I paused my music and listened and my stomach sank. The cat leaped on the fridge from what I heard. My roommate came into my room high as a kite and made up some story of how the cat tried to get into the window or something like that. After the incident, the cat avoided him for a good week or so and that led me to believe something else happened.

Some other incidents include waking me up at three am by calling me to let him in the building because he kept letting people use/borrow his key and having people over at 1:30 am when I worked at seven am.

Last but not least the purpose of this blog other than to rant! I got a text from my lovely roommate lat thursday after having a decent night saying he was moving out the next Friday and since I was subleasing I had to leave too.WHAT.

So after a complete 180 of attitude and a panic attack which led to a phone call to my dad at 11pm, I had eight days to figure out where the hell I was gonna live. Again, WHAT.

So I called many people and cried and applied for places and been in constant contact with the landlord of the place, I am moving out of the apartment. I don't make enough money to take over the lease and my roommate found out in May he was being evicted WHAT THE HELL. Also, here is the kicker, the landlord told me that he didn't know I was living there with my roommate and my roommate wasn't supposed to have the cat.

So? Currently, I am applying for basically every available apartment in Montpelier/Northfield for a place. Luckily I have a good friend from work letting me crash with him for the next two weeks while I figure out my next move! It is ether find a place/find a roommate or go to Virginia to stay with my dad.

As crazy as it is, this is life currently and life has taught me soooo much.

Lesson learned: Always get to know someone really well before you live with them.

Always keeping it real!

-Kyrsten

Come and Go

Honestly this is super hard to write but it's been a long time coming.

I had this group of friends in college that I used to think that it was God's way of making sure I was okay my first year of school.

Last year, I had one of the worst years of my life. Between my parents finalizing their divorce, ending my engagement, being raped, and being in the mental hospital not once but twice I was a mess. I had friends in this group leave on Mormon missions, get married and do wonderful things with their lives. I was just stuck in this never ending cycle of bad things.

I fell apart from one friend in particular after she got married and during my mental health struggle and I was stuck. I felt very alone and I self isolated and no matter what I tried I couldn't feel better. It was hard for me to talk to her because my life wasn't like hers. She was married and in a bliss and my life was kinda crashing down. How do you talk to someone like that? Once I got myself in a place where I could let people in, I apologized but she took everything to hear. It felt like I was unwanted and not good enough.

I was best friends with this one girl and I wrote her every week of her mission. I was so proud and so happy for her. I made sure she was doing okay mentally and listening to her rants and raves. I was so excited to have my best friend back that when she came home I got all excited and I was ignored for a couple of days. At the time I was struggling with religion(still am) and when she came home I reached out to her and was hoping to use her a crutch I guess to get back. I was excited to share scriptures and experiences and go from there. Then she told me that she felt like we shouldn't be friends.

My so called "friends" blocked me on social media and talked about me saying how they reached out and tried and I just didn't do anything They also said how mental illness is not an excuse for behavior. It was at a point where forgiveness wasn't deserved.

I felt like because I wasn't the stereotypical Mormon for them I wasn't good enough to be their friends. I gotten tattoos and I was engaged and at that point, church wasn't a priority. I wanted to take believing in the gospel in my own hands and that wasn't good enough .When I needed someone, they abandoned me.

Getting rid of toxic friendships like this was hard. I thought we would be close for a long time. I struggled a lot with why this happened and how they could just give up on someone who was always there and tried their hardest even in the worst moments. I struggled a lot with being good enough for people cause they made me feel unworthy of having friendships.

People don't realize that sometimes its easier to talk things out then to let things escalate.

And ever since then I have a group of friends who have taught me the real meaning of friendship and what it means to be appreciated and respected from friends.

Suicide Prevention

Last year, I was suicidal.

Maybe a shocker but not really.

I spent time in the mental hospital twice because of these thoughts. Between the mental hospital and getting some of the help I need I am alive.

Barley.

I still struggle. Sometimes I feel like it would be so much easier to just end it all. I don't because of my four younger sisters. Especially my baby brother Anderson, he deserves to know who I am.

Heres the twist. I am extremely bothered by the fact that suicide is JUST getting more attention. Where's the attention after girls from high school in their senior year kill themselves? What do we do for people who go to mental hospitals for suicidal thoughts? What do we do for the people who have tried to commit suicide and failed? What about the people who think about killing themselves daily?

Plot twist: I am still suicidal. Again, if  I didn't have four younger siblings I probably wouldn't be alive. I am what is called "Passively Suicidal" take some time to read this article about the difference between being passively suicidal and active suicidal thoughts. (https://themighty.com/2016/10/the-difference-between-active-and-passive-suicidal-thoughts/)

What keeps me going is that if I did do something I would miss all of my friends coming home from their missions and my baby brother wouldn't meet me.

In the last year, I cut out a group of friends who kept going on their lives. When I was in the lowest points, they were worried about marriage, babies, dating, and missions. I honestly felt like I didn't matter. They got angry as I felt like I couldn't talk to them because they continued with their lives. I felt like a last priority. I felt like what was going on with me didn't matter to them. So we just stopped talking and being friends. It was added stress and honestly sad because I trusted them and I felt abandoned but according to them I just pushed them away.

Now?

As much as my mental health is a challenge, I have support and I am so thankful. I have a handful of people that I can open and honest with them and they support me. They make sure that I am doing okay mentally and when I am not they help me get to the right mindset. SO THANKFUL FOR MY FRIENDS YALL KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

I am eternally grateful for the birth of my baby brother Anderson. I've said this multiple times but he gives me the reason to be alive. I haven't met him and I am dying to meet him. He deserves to know who I am other than pictures.

Mental health needs to be talked about more. I am a fighter and a survivor. I try not to let my mental illness bring me down. Some days it wins and some days it doesn't.

Please please reach out to friends. Don't be afraid to text or call them and just let them know you are thinking about them. Don't be afraid to tell them you are concerned. I have smiled so much at messages from friends saying that they are praying for me and that if I need to talk then they are there.

KEEP AN OPEN LINE OF COMMUNICATION. I have struggled a lot with thinking I had no one to talk and I constantly felt alone. WORST FEELING EVER.

Be safe always and don't ever be afraid because I promise someone knows how you feel and always is willing to listen.

Full Circle

I have been putting off this blog post...

Actually i haven't per say been putting it off, I have been dreading it.

I knew if I wanted to move on or at least start moving on I was gonna have to talk about it. So here goes.

It has been 361 days since I was raped. 361 since the guy who I thought was decent took my pride away from me.

I remember the day like the back of my hand. I told him to come over because he was drinking and I didn't want him to get drunk. I told him from the moment he walked in my backdoor nothing was gonna happen other than a simple kiss at best. I remembered that we ordered food and watched Avatar The Last Airbender and between food and Avatar it happened.

My timehop reminds me of meeting him and when we drank together and I cringe at the fact that I ever had feelings for him.

I remember telling my dad. Something I will never forget. I asked him to talk without my siblings, just me and him. We went to a park near his house, I remember telling him and us just sitting in silence. I made my dad promise he wasn't gonna take any crazy action.

I ended up blocking him on every social media after me confronting him went terrible. To this day, I will never forget the words, "You didn't say no when it was going on."

I ended up going to therapy and my therapist is dead quiet as I talked about my rape and to this day May 18th is one of the worst days of my life.

I remember going to the doctor because of extreme pelvic pain. I got an STD test and a shot from hell. I was extremely bruised from the trauma. Also, STD prevention shots are no joke. They inserted the needle which didn't hurt and then the medicine itself made my legs hurt so bad with pain I had an anxiety attack. I was crying and screaming because the pain was so bad. 

The reason why I titled this "Full Circle" is because since then I have done things that I never thought I would have done in the last 365 days. I have moved out and now currently live with a roommate. I currently work two jobs that keep me from overthinking. I cut some real toxic relationships including the one with my rapist. I have apologized to people I have hurt.

I am learning how to move past it even though right now its hard to think that it has basically been a full year after this encounter.

Dating has never been the same since then, I have gone off the deep end at times and other times, I am afraid of relationships.

In the last year, I have become apart of the #metoo movement which promotes healing from sexual assault. I have been able to try to start moving on because of that movement.

This is become who I am.

Life moves on but somethings you will never forget.

365 One Year

365 days ago, May 1st 2017 I made one of the biggest decisions of my life.

I said goodbye to my family and I went to treatment because I was suicidal. I just wanted to die.

I remember sitting in the emergency room all day scared out of my mind because I didn't know what would happen next.

This was a long time coming. I remember battling self harm and suicidal thoughts in my early teens and battling more with them in my latter teens/early twenties. 

I didn't want to go but I had to go.

I remember the outbursts and the crying from being manic and just continuing to wish that I wasn't gonna go. I had read and heard horror stories about treatment.

They sent me to a hospital in Mansfield, Ohio where my (then) psychiatrist worked at part time. I remember seeing him and talking to him and feeling like he was the only thing that reminded me of home.

The hospital was lonely and I remember being the only one in my age group there. I was too old for the kids ward but I felt too young to be on the adult ward. I remember being jealous of this guy who I met I think his name was Tom or Tony and he was bright and smiling and he was going home way earlier than me and I was jealous. Way jealous.

He talked about his wife and his kids and how he was going to make his recovery work. He talked about his coping skills and other stuff. I thought maybe if I said that I would get to go home.

Six days.

Six days of treatment and waking up god awful early. Six days of meeting with therapists and nurses who watch you every single second you are up and breathing. Six days of being woken up by ether a nurse needing my vitals or my psychiatrist pissed because in the almost two years I was meeting with him I still took(take) naps.

One year post treatment life is still rough. I still have those days where all I want to do is sit in my bed and cry about everything and anything. Cry because my best friend isn't home yet. Cry because work is hard.

Bur I did it.

I lived to see two milestones. Twenty One and One Year Post Treatment.

Honestly?

I never thought I would live to see ether of those. I thought I would've killed myself by now. I've thought and thought about it but after what God has shown me I think I can still around for awhile longer.

Mental health is way important. You never know who is suffering. It could be your best friend, your neighbor or even someone in your family, be sensitive and supportive as you never know what is going through someone else's head.

Love always,

Kyrsten

Untitled

I have literally been trying to write a blog post for dayss.

Recently, I have done a lot of "spring cleaning" on social media. I have unfriended and blocked people who to me are ether toxic or make me feel negative. Honestly, it feels fantastic. I don't have to look at people's post who make me ether angry or just bring negative feelings into myself. Best decision I have made in awhile. I even unfollowed people on instagram and twitter just because again I didn't wanna see their posts.

I also started this diet where I don't really eat junk food or sweets. Anyone who knows me, knows i adore chocolate and candy and just most junk food. I cut that out of my system so I could lose a little bit of weight and just feel better. It is so much easier than I thought it was gonna be. If I eat any at all, I limit myself. For example at work yesterday, I adore Subway cookies. I mean who doesnt? I ate one and a bag of chips and I didn't eat anymore even though I was hungry and they looked so good. I honestly went to Shaw's and bought some watermelon for dinner cause I mean fruits and veggies are healthy and I adore watermelon.

It came to my attention that I have been officially living in the Green Mountain State for the last FIVE months. I am only excited because I can see the whole 180 that I have done mentally and emotionally since I have first moved here.

When I first moved here, I was overly depressed and sad and I just didn't want to do anything. I left my siblings and the life that I had there. I was honestly scared to leave the doctors that i had there who had my back. I honestly am so in love with Vermont.

Vermont to me has become a place where I am figuring out who I am and who I want to be. It feels amazing. I have a decent amount of friends and I am happy(even on my depression days). While here, I have lost friends who I thought would stick around forever in my life and honestly I was super sad at first and now I am just like if you want to leave there is the front door. You could honesty say I have developed a chip on my shoulder but in reality I have just learned to stick up for myself and not hide.

I've learned so much about what people I want and deserve in my life. Yes, I am talking about dating. It is a pain in my butt. I've dated people, got my heart broken, and learned to say goodbye to the blue eyed boy who obviously doesn't want to be in my life. I won't lie when I say I haven't cried about it but everything is a lesson. God has a plan.

I am not gonna lie and say that sometimes it sucks to know that I don't know exactly what God has planned for me. I am calm in knowing that everything happens for a reason.

I am doing okay. My mental health isn't 100% and I don't think it will be for awhile but I am working on it. I can't lie and say I am magically healthy. There are some days when I realize that I can't do it and that is okay. I am stronger than my illness. I have learned again what happiness and excitement. If I work towards things in my life then they will happen.

I am not the same person who left Ohio five to six months ago. I am someone totally different and I am finally okay with it. Figuring out who I am and what I want is the one of the most exciting things going on in my life. Yeah, there might be tears along the way and some negativity but I can handle it.

Always yours,
Kyrsten

Dear Love

I didn't believe I could fall in love fast.

Then I met him.

Our first date was one of the most awkward dates I have ever been on. We barley talked and I swore up and down that I would never go on another date with him.

Two days later, I was in the car with him.

The second date was something special, we watched one of my favorite movies and for the first time in log time, holding hands and cuddling brought butterflies. When we kissed for the first time I felt passion and again more butterflies that I hadn't felt in a about a year or so. I forgot what that feeling was.

I wanted him. I wanted more. I wanted to feel the butterflies. I laughed and smiled harder than I have in forever. I fell for his smile and the way that he caressed my hand for twenty minutes. I couldn't take my eye off of him no matter how hard I try. He held me tight and I heard his heart beat and for once it felt like home. I told him about the past and hoping even praying that he would be in the future.

No matter what happens, I am thankful. I am thankful for the boy who made a difference in my life. I could watch him laugh and smile for hours without getting bored. He is the type of guy who hugs you and holds you tight. It is the simple things that you fall for.

I fell for the fact that he was there. He made me realize that I need to live my life now instead of later. For the first time in so long, I felt like letting someone into this crazy thing called life was something I could do. I let him in and opened up. Something that I haven't done really since my engagement. It felt so easy and so natural. I was confused on why I felt like I was on top of the world with him.

I could be happy again. After all the heartbreak and weeks I have spent crying over other guys and other situations, it felt good to have some confidence about something. He felt like coming home. I hadn't felt that feeling since last summer. I mean yeah I've dated guys between then and now but nothing like him.

Nothing will compare to him.

I will always adore that goofy smile after a bad joke. I adore the way he holds me tight and I can fit my head on his chest.

Thank you. Thank you for teaching me how it feels to like someone like a little high school crush. Thank you for letting me be me.

Who knows how this is gonna turn out. I am anxious and nervous about it but hopeful and that itself scares me but no matter what I am thankful.

-Kyrsten

Another Day Another Heartbreak

Happy Monday well almost Tuesday.

It has been such an off day. I've have this nasty cold where I have slept so much. My dad and I had a slight scare of me not having my psych meds. We found out my psychiatrist even though he promised while I was here in Vermont that he would fill my meds claims that he never said that so he refused to fill them.

Luckily that nasty cold of mine seemed like the flu so I went and got checked out and urgent care wrote me a script of my psych meds for the next week while I sort it out with my primary care doctor back in Ohio.

I have had a lot of heartbreak lately. Between the ex that came back and the boy who switched his mind in the matter of hours its been a crazy week or two.

I was ranting to one of my close friends and I told him that all I wanted was to be happy and he said that I wouldn't find happiness in another person. I realized that is sorta what I have been doing lately. I have been drowning myself in my own sorrows and letting people then and expecting me to be happy because they are in my life.

I am going to find happiness by changing the negative things in my life. I have a hard time letting go. Like recently that ex who came back was the same ex that ghosted me in February only to ghost me again last weekend. What did i do? Call him and got his voicemail.

Another situation that is kinda my current situation is that there was this guy from work and hes cute hes a little bit younger than me and we basically closed the store on Monday and we spent hours just teasing each other. So weve been talking for a week and we were gonna go on a date and see where things go. Nope he canceled on our date and then told me that he doesn't think I am the person for him. Okay buddy. It kinda just sucks because I've thought he was cute for like ever and I knew in the back of my hand that I would never get a chance.

Life is life. I have some really hopeful news that I am not ready to share because nothing is set in stone. Just know I am okay. I am alive and trying to kick butt in life before it kicks my butt.

I am trying to make the best out of each situation. For once, I am gonna focus on me and only me. I am hanging in there. Not gonna give up.

-Kyrsten

Cant Stop Wont Stop

I"m still alive but I am barley breathing.

STORY OF MY LIFE.

If nobody believes that seasonal depression is a real thing should move to the Northeast for the winter and tell me how they feel.

Not the point of this blog post.

The last month and a half have honestly been the hardest month and a half of my life. I am always open about my mental health struggles. I feel like talking about it helps not only me but helps whoever else is going through the same stuff I am going through.

So lately I have been passively suicidal and honestly I don't think that is going away anytime soon. To those freaking out, calm down I am okay. I am so specific in my fight that I am being honest to the very dot.

Not many people know the difference between passive and active suicidal thoughts so I will explain that before I go any further. "Being passively suicidal means you wish to die. Actively suicidal is just that — you’ve got your plan and you’re planning on going through with the plan." quote from my favorite article explaining the difference probably better than me https://themighty.com/2016/10/the-difference-between-active-and-passive-suicidal-thoughts/ there is the link

Before someone tells me I have no reason to feel this way, you have no right. I feel the way I feel for a reason. Life has been a mess and I am blunt and honest about it.

Between dating, life, school, and work I have been stressed out to to the max. I spend weekends forcing myself to do simple things like get out of bed and do laundry and maybe even leave the house. The week is exhausting from working 33+ hours trying to pay for my life basically. Life and school is expensive. My body has learned what constantly crying is. I swear I cry a couple times a week about something - kinda anything to be honest.

I made a post of how dating has triggered my depression and anxiety and I thought I'd shed a little light on that. I got out of a relationship from someone who decided that calling me and texting me was a good idea to break up with me. He lives in the same city as me.

After that relationship, I beat myself up for that ending and most of my past relationships so I had this very negative mindset going in dates and when I was getting to know people I still had that negative mindset. It constantly had me thinking that I was the reason why they didn't want to go on another date or I was the reason why they just didn't want to hang out with me.

Sometimes people just suck.

I am constantly getting the question, "What are you doing with your life?" Well let me answer that, I finally have an idea. I am gonna go home to Ohio and learn how to be independent. I am gonna get my mental health together and hopefully be on my way to Idaho in the fall. 

I am nervous as heck about this new adventure after being here in Vermont but hopefully everything goes well.

Right now, I am still figuring out my mental health and how much I can handle and figuring out when I need help but I am okay and I am learning how to be happy again.

Until next time,

Kyrsten

Youre Still The One

I told myself that I wouldn't talk about it. But yet here I am prompted to write a blog post.

Life has been crazy lately. Actually this whole month has been hectic. I found out that someone who I was dating for a few months and I had know for a long time cheated on me and then totally ghosted me. That was a hard pill to swallow and for awhile I was sad about it and I didn't know what to do.

I eventually threw myself into work and that itself was mentally and physically exhausting. Being a cashier in a tiny town is something else. Lately I have been working a lot of mornings and everyone who knows me knows that I love my sleep and so that itself has been hard.

I know the one thing people are curious to know is my Facebook post. I said I needed privacy but I also want people to know so they don't assume things.

I recently got into another relationship. It was with someone who for the first time made me feel like things were decent. It seemed like I was finally going to be happy. I was into music again and I was going to start writing. It was like the sun came out again in my life.

Well that relationship ended in a phone call.

I cried myself into a panic attack. I wasn't having a good day mentally. I was overthinking my relationship and I was trying to figure out my life. It honestly sucked because I thought I was with someone who understood my anxiety and depression and that I could fully be myself.

It led to me questioning everything. Right now, I have a giant wall up for everyone. I had recently lost some friends to some pointless drama so between that and my breakup I was emotionally and mentally spent. I spent the night questioning on what the hell I did wrong. I took it slow or at least tried to. I tried to not overthink it. I think the only thing is that I made it facebook official.

I am sitting here trying not to cry because I don't know what I am doing anymore. I feel like everything good that happens is destroyed because of me. My relationship was new and I wanted to protect it because at the moment it was the only positive thing going on. So right now, I am trying to figure out my life. It triggered my depression and my anxiety that I couldn't concentrate at work. I have been just feeling very mentally exhausted.

My life is a big question mark right now. Sometimes i think its gonna go one direction and then it totally goes the opposite way. I wish  I knew what I was doing. I wish that things would go the way I want but hey we don't always get what we want in life.

So I am asking for thoughts and prayers as I try to get mentally better. I am going to master some self care tips and hope that my depression and my anxiety don't eat me alive.

Twenty One

January 24th is my twenty first birthday. To most people it is a celebration of being legal. Yes I am excited to finally be legal but I am more excited to be alive.

In 2017, I was in the hospital twice for suicidal thoughts and other mental issues. I learned how to deal with my feelings and with the help of medicine and therapy I am here writing this blog.

Honestly, I didn't think I was gonna be alive to see twenty one. I have had the hardest year. Between my broken engagement and hospitalizations and everything else I wanted to end it all. But i am here. I am here to say I got through it.

Everything in my life changed and it was so overwhelming. I cried till I couldn't and I've developed some really bad habits like skipping work when I am having a rough day and sulking in my room. I thought my life would be extremely different..

I am learning to be okay with the things in my life. I am okay with the fact that the Lord wants me to be in Vermont for a little bit longer. I am learning to be okay with my job that drives me a little. I am learning who I am and who I need to be.

I haven't given up on my health when I thought I was going to. I thought I was gonna be married to a Mormon boy and I thought that maybe I would start having a family by now but Heavenly Father has a different plan for me.

Learning that the Lord has a different plan for me has been crazy. I didn't think I would be in Vermont haha. I love being in Vermont. I actually don't hate my job all the way. I have talking to customers and what not.

I am alive. My life isn't the greatest and it isn't the worst but I have learned to take it day by day. I've lost so many friends in the last year but learning who my true friends are is one of the best feelings in the world.

In the next year, I am hoping to get more of my mental health under control. I am hoping to go back to college in the next year. Where? Who knows? That is currently up to the Lord.

 I am thankful for what has happened in the last year. I am thankful for the people who have stood beside me and helped me throughout all sorts of things.

Heres to twenty one.