Suicide Prevention

Last year, I was suicidal.

Maybe a shocker but not really.

I spent time in the mental hospital twice because of these thoughts. Between the mental hospital and getting some of the help I need I am alive.

Barley.

I still struggle. Sometimes I feel like it would be so much easier to just end it all. I don't because of my four younger sisters. Especially my baby brother Anderson, he deserves to know who I am.

Heres the twist. I am extremely bothered by the fact that suicide is JUST getting more attention. Where's the attention after girls from high school in their senior year kill themselves? What do we do for people who go to mental hospitals for suicidal thoughts? What do we do for the people who have tried to commit suicide and failed? What about the people who think about killing themselves daily?

Plot twist: I am still suicidal. Again, if  I didn't have four younger siblings I probably wouldn't be alive. I am what is called "Passively Suicidal" take some time to read this article about the difference between being passively suicidal and active suicidal thoughts. (https://themighty.com/2016/10/the-difference-between-active-and-passive-suicidal-thoughts/)

What keeps me going is that if I did do something I would miss all of my friends coming home from their missions and my baby brother wouldn't meet me.

In the last year, I cut out a group of friends who kept going on their lives. When I was in the lowest points, they were worried about marriage, babies, dating, and missions. I honestly felt like I didn't matter. They got angry as I felt like I couldn't talk to them because they continued with their lives. I felt like a last priority. I felt like what was going on with me didn't matter to them. So we just stopped talking and being friends. It was added stress and honestly sad because I trusted them and I felt abandoned but according to them I just pushed them away.

Now?

As much as my mental health is a challenge, I have support and I am so thankful. I have a handful of people that I can open and honest with them and they support me. They make sure that I am doing okay mentally and when I am not they help me get to the right mindset. SO THANKFUL FOR MY FRIENDS YALL KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

I am eternally grateful for the birth of my baby brother Anderson. I've said this multiple times but he gives me the reason to be alive. I haven't met him and I am dying to meet him. He deserves to know who I am other than pictures.

Mental health needs to be talked about more. I am a fighter and a survivor. I try not to let my mental illness bring me down. Some days it wins and some days it doesn't.

Please please reach out to friends. Don't be afraid to text or call them and just let them know you are thinking about them. Don't be afraid to tell them you are concerned. I have smiled so much at messages from friends saying that they are praying for me and that if I need to talk then they are there.

KEEP AN OPEN LINE OF COMMUNICATION. I have struggled a lot with thinking I had no one to talk and I constantly felt alone. WORST FEELING EVER.

Be safe always and don't ever be afraid because I promise someone knows how you feel and always is willing to listen.