Come and Go

Honestly this is super hard to write but it's been a long time coming.

I had this group of friends in college that I used to think that it was God's way of making sure I was okay my first year of school.

Last year, I had one of the worst years of my life. Between my parents finalizing their divorce, ending my engagement, being raped, and being in the mental hospital not once but twice I was a mess. I had friends in this group leave on Mormon missions, get married and do wonderful things with their lives. I was just stuck in this never ending cycle of bad things.

I fell apart from one friend in particular after she got married and during my mental health struggle and I was stuck. I felt very alone and I self isolated and no matter what I tried I couldn't feel better. It was hard for me to talk to her because my life wasn't like hers. She was married and in a bliss and my life was kinda crashing down. How do you talk to someone like that? Once I got myself in a place where I could let people in, I apologized but she took everything to hear. It felt like I was unwanted and not good enough.

I was best friends with this one girl and I wrote her every week of her mission. I was so proud and so happy for her. I made sure she was doing okay mentally and listening to her rants and raves. I was so excited to have my best friend back that when she came home I got all excited and I was ignored for a couple of days. At the time I was struggling with religion(still am) and when she came home I reached out to her and was hoping to use her a crutch I guess to get back. I was excited to share scriptures and experiences and go from there. Then she told me that she felt like we shouldn't be friends.

My so called "friends" blocked me on social media and talked about me saying how they reached out and tried and I just didn't do anything They also said how mental illness is not an excuse for behavior. It was at a point where forgiveness wasn't deserved.

I felt like because I wasn't the stereotypical Mormon for them I wasn't good enough to be their friends. I gotten tattoos and I was engaged and at that point, church wasn't a priority. I wanted to take believing in the gospel in my own hands and that wasn't good enough .When I needed someone, they abandoned me.

Getting rid of toxic friendships like this was hard. I thought we would be close for a long time. I struggled a lot with why this happened and how they could just give up on someone who was always there and tried their hardest even in the worst moments. I struggled a lot with being good enough for people cause they made me feel unworthy of having friendships.

People don't realize that sometimes its easier to talk things out then to let things escalate.

And ever since then I have a group of friends who have taught me the real meaning of friendship and what it means to be appreciated and respected from friends.