Second Choices

Life hasn't been very fair to me lately. 

It seems like one thing has been really happening after another. I kinda sunk back into this normal pattern. I work and I come home from work and survive. I do what I can to the bare minimum. That's how the last week and a half or so has been. 

I was gonna write a blog post about why (I think) I have been feeling so off. I know recently, I have been feeling a lot like the second choice or I guess the second option to everyone. Between relationships, jobs, the military(I can't help that but still) I just have felt second. So I kinda did what I do best. I self isolate, push away, and survive. I'm pretty sure the only person I haven't really pushed away is my father but I mean lets be real hes one of the best people I know. Not the point.

Anyways, I have been doubting myself a lot. I have been trying to figure out so much of my life at one time. I think that is partly because SO many people I know are getting engaged, married, having babies, going on missions, etc. I am like "hey I really wanna go back to school." "hey i wanna move here" "hey I wanna do this and I think its right" I feel stuck. I mean I am not really stuck. I live in a great state and have great people around me. I just kinda wish I was doing more with my life but hey it happens.

After really thinking and debating n my head. I may have my moments and I act like an idiot but i deserve nothing but the best. I deserve for people to realize that I am not the girl that you call when you are having problems in your relationship. I am not the girl you just wait for the best moment to hit up. 

I deserve to have things work in my favor. I deserve to have people in my world who love and care about me. I deserve for someone to look at me the way Derek looks at Meredith in Greys Anatomy when he realizes that she is the girl he is in love with. I may have to take a back seat to the military and ya know that is okay. I totally understand. I want the time in my life where I wake up and not dread what I have to do that day or be extremely anxious about some really dumb situation.

It is gonna take some time and a hell of a lot of patience and until then I am gonna do me and just go with it.

-Kyrsten