That is all I can think about when I think of the last year. It has been 365 days since I was in the hospital for the last time.
I remember exactly what happened when my dad threw me in the car and we went to the hospital. I was fighting with my mom and I was also very suicidal. I told my siblings I wanted to die and they told me to go get help. I remember my little sisters crying and my brother holding his composure as he had to come along to the car ride so I wouldn't jump out of the car.
I remember crying all the way there and still being in denial that I needed to get help. I remember hating myself because I was in the hospital a little over four months before. Why did I have to go again? I beat myself up because of it.
The hospital I stayed at before was full and I made a big deal about it because my psychiatrist worked there part time and I trusted him. I didn't trust anyone else. I mouthed off really loud about how I wasn't gonna go the hospital and I was fine. Then the nurse told me that she pink slipped me and she made my dad and brother leave. Her pink slipping me meant I was going to a hospital no matter what and I had no choice. I then had a panic attack and I cried and cried.
Finally early in the morning, I signed myself in the hospital and I spent a week figuring out myself.
My week in there, I laughed and cried harder than I had in months. I met people who will always have a place in my heart. I remember spending nights chilling with everyone and hanging out with the nurses talking about whatever.
I reflect back to my hospitalization and just think wow I am alive. I didn't think I was gonna get this far. I honestly say that a lot but I don't think I would hit major milestones.
Today, I am living life. I finally moved out of my dads. He left from Vermont in May and I stayed in Vermont. I have a full time job and I am also in a pretty great relationship.
The last 365 days have been the hardest but best moments of my life. My mental illness is still a very important part of my life. I still have bad days. I still sometimes want to lay in bed all day and do nothing. I also have really good days and days where I laugh till I cry and smile like it is out of style.
It happens. Life moves on and I am going to try to enjoy every minute of it.
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