Anxiety At It's Finest

I should be sleeping but ya know the drill.

I went off my medications about a month and a half ago due to insurance reasons and it has been the toughest battle. I want to talk about because I feel like so many people need insight on how to handle people better who have mental illnesses and so forth.

Lately, my anxiety has been through the roof. I started a new job, moved into a new apartment, basically started over. I have never been so awkward in my life. I get so anxious when meeting new people. I get anxious about things that are not in my control(thanks ocd youd the real friend).

It has been hard to say the least.

It has been a lot on my mind a lot because I recently moved into a new apartment and I just am so anti social it kinda hurts. I feel so bad because honestly I don't have bad roommates, I mean we are a week in things might change. I am so kidding honestly but real talk. They seem great people and I know I am not gonna get screwed over couple months down the road like I did last time. My anxiety is so bad that today I got excited for saying hi and what not. I may have not made eye contact cause I was heading straight for my room but hey little victories?

I also feel like my anxiety attacks me a lot at work and I feel like that shows. For those who don't know well sorry actually most of you don't because I finally can blog when I want. Anyways, I got a job at a little convenience store in town and it has a deli that I am working in. It is crazy because I never saw myself working in a deli. Never saw myself cutting meat or doing anything like that. I love doing customer service and I always veered towards that. 

At work, I will think I got something down and I get confident and ether someone will look at me the wrong way or someone does it maybe in a better/faster way and bam there goes my confidence and I will dwell like no tomorrow on it. It sucks but it is life.

Not having meds has really made me think and dwell on my mental illness alot. It makes me realize I took healthcare for advantage and how sometimes I really need to get my life together and sometimes I need help. I hate asking for help.

Saying that though, I have the best people in my life. I have people who for the most part understand mental illness. And honestly when I say most part I feel like no one truly understands mental illness because everyone is so different. Everyone reacts different and has different levels of how things truly make them feel. When the people in my life don't understand, I surely help them to make sure that they do and it helps the both of them out.

This isn't a post in the slightest of pitty and just saying "Oh i have anxiety" It is a struggle and it is an experience. It used to be something that my early teen self would sit in the basement and cry because I swore up and down no one understood me. I don't want anyone feeling that way so I branch out when I can and share my story through my blog because that is the easiest for me.