Two Years: Revisted

I have attempted to write a blog post like this but it has actually just come to this conclusion so here goes. And before people accuse me of whatever, just read the rest!

2 years ago I fell harder than ever. Over the last two years, I watched this guy change into someone I completely loved and looked up to. No matter what I was doing with my life, who was in it, he was in the back of my mind. Writing this is actually one of the hardest things I have had to do other than sending him off on his mission. I actually never thought I would have to write this but life has taken so many different directions.

I have struggled with everything under the sun in the last two years. Relationships(friends, family, dating), mental health, living situations, people you name it basically but he stayed. Every week minus 8 ish was something whether it was an email saying "Keep going" or a message saying "Hi" it happened. I was grateful. Though the tears, small victories, the large victories, and the trials he was there.

I watched my 19 year old best friend serve Mexico with all of his heart and fall in love serving the Lord as I fell with him. He knew how I felt and that's what I used to keep going. I told myself I'd get that chance. I mean he HAD to give the girl who wrote him for two years. Who knew.

He didn't and he doesn't. That honestly was a hard pill to swallow. A new scripture from the Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 2:27 talks about agency and the willing to make choices. He has the choice whether or not to talk to me and do whatever he wants. I can't wait around for that choice.

In the last 2 years I have struggled with religion. I basically became a model for Anti-Mormons. I drank, I got tattoos, I stopped going to church and basically laughed at religion. He knew this and regardless he sent me scriptures and talks by leaders. Today, I find myself as what I call a progressing inactive. I am learning again about my faith and sometimes struggling but believing in God and His power. I meet with the local missionaries, pray when I remember and read my scriptures. I always thought he would be the one beside me but it is what it is. As I go back to church, I realize I am doing this for myself not for him. I wouldn't be able to do it without so many great people in my life.

The future is unknown. I sent off a boy who returned with honor and what happened happened. I am struggling to find the words to say but loving that boy for the last two years has been beyond crazy and self discovering. I'm thankful and sad but at the end of the day I am so glad I loved someone like him.

At the end of the day, maybe God put him in my life just for him to help through the bad so I could get through it. Who knows. I will forever thank God for giving me someone like him to love.