Cant Stop Wont Stop

I"m still alive but I am barley breathing.

STORY OF MY LIFE.

If nobody believes that seasonal depression is a real thing should move to the Northeast for the winter and tell me how they feel.

Not the point of this blog post.

The last month and a half have honestly been the hardest month and a half of my life. I am always open about my mental health struggles. I feel like talking about it helps not only me but helps whoever else is going through the same stuff I am going through.

So lately I have been passively suicidal and honestly I don't think that is going away anytime soon. To those freaking out, calm down I am okay. I am so specific in my fight that I am being honest to the very dot.

Not many people know the difference between passive and active suicidal thoughts so I will explain that before I go any further. "Being passively suicidal means you wish to die. Actively suicidal is just that — you’ve got your plan and you’re planning on going through with the plan." quote from my favorite article explaining the difference probably better than me https://themighty.com/2016/10/the-difference-between-active-and-passive-suicidal-thoughts/ there is the link

Before someone tells me I have no reason to feel this way, you have no right. I feel the way I feel for a reason. Life has been a mess and I am blunt and honest about it.

Between dating, life, school, and work I have been stressed out to to the max. I spend weekends forcing myself to do simple things like get out of bed and do laundry and maybe even leave the house. The week is exhausting from working 33+ hours trying to pay for my life basically. Life and school is expensive. My body has learned what constantly crying is. I swear I cry a couple times a week about something - kinda anything to be honest.

I made a post of how dating has triggered my depression and anxiety and I thought I'd shed a little light on that. I got out of a relationship from someone who decided that calling me and texting me was a good idea to break up with me. He lives in the same city as me.

After that relationship, I beat myself up for that ending and most of my past relationships so I had this very negative mindset going in dates and when I was getting to know people I still had that negative mindset. It constantly had me thinking that I was the reason why they didn't want to go on another date or I was the reason why they just didn't want to hang out with me.

Sometimes people just suck.

I am constantly getting the question, "What are you doing with your life?" Well let me answer that, I finally have an idea. I am gonna go home to Ohio and learn how to be independent. I am gonna get my mental health together and hopefully be on my way to Idaho in the fall. 

I am nervous as heck about this new adventure after being here in Vermont but hopefully everything goes well.

Right now, I am still figuring out my mental health and how much I can handle and figuring out when I need help but I am okay and I am learning how to be happy again.

Until next time,

Kyrsten