its okay to not be okay

I recently got out a relationship that has consumed my life for the last five months.

It was the type where at first it was magical and sweet and uncomplicated and it seemed too good to be true. I cant pinpoint exactly why it ended but maybe it ended when my friend sent me a screenshot of my then boyfriend on tinder when he was at drill only an hour or two maybe three away from me in Vermont. Maybe it was over when he told me to get over my mental illness and i cried to my dad about it because I never understood how a guy like him could just tell me to get out of bed when it was physically/mentally impossible.

I spent a week trying to get him back. I prayed to God that we would get back together. I kept up with baseball even though for the life of me I will never like it or even try to understand it.

I confronted him finally about the cheating and all he said to me was that he didn't want to break up with me he wanted to do it in person. He told me how he didn't want to attempt to understand my mental illness. He didn't wanna try to make it work. He didn't apologize for cheating.

I cried for three hours the night I confronted him. I called a friend in Ohio and sobbed because I couldn't wrap my head around it. I couldn't understand why someone who I thought was one of the  most sweetest selfless guys would cheat on someone he used to tell daily how much he liked and cared about.

I have been spending the last week thinking through every little detail and yes I am that kind of person who needs to think everything though. I've learned that this breakup sucks it really sucks but I am gonna pick myself up and move forward. I am going to become the best person I can be and look forward to the future and whatever it brings.

I realize that even though I have hope and faith for the future, that it is okay to be sad. It is okay to grieve over this relationship. One of my favorite artists said this quote that I have been living by lately, "It's okay but it isn't okay to give up."

A year ago me, would probably be still begging her dumb ex for a spot in her life even though he doesn't deserve it. A year ago, I would be forcing myself to go to work and attempt to smile. Today, I am going to work because I need to survive and i am smiling because it is another bump in the road. I sometimes do not want to admit it but I have a full life ahead of me.

This isn't define me.

I may not be okay right now but sometime soon it will be so worth it.

-Kyrsten