To My Last Boyfriend

I should hate you for cheating. That is the first thing that comes to my mind when I think of you is that I should completely hate you but I don't.

I do think of how pathetic you are but hey this isn't a blog post trashing you well not completely anyways.

When you first met me, I was dealing with a roommate who barley spoke to me. A job that made me suicidal and a manic episode that you didn't ever fully understand. You fixed my glasses in a Walmart parking lot. You let me kiss you because it felt right. We had fun and for the first time I felt like maybe something would go right.

You let me deal with my ex at the time and helped me through the hardest part of the year. I wonder sometimes if we got through that and made it why couldn't we have made it through this? As time went on, I never thought of us having an expiration date. I met your mom and she was terrifying and wonderful all at the same time. I was excited of the relationship I was planing on building with her. I met your best friend. The one who I made jokes about stealing you away from me all the time. I thought he was pretty cool too. Gotta give props to the guy who third wheeled us.

I will never forget the way you told me to get over my mental illness. You told me you didn't understand why I couldn't just get out of bed. You didn't understand why some days were a bad day even though nothing happened. Remember when you told me my mental illness didn't make me a bad girlfriend? Guess you regret saying that huh?

I remember getting the text from a friend about finding you on tinder. I remember fighting back on tears at work. I remembering wanting to scream at you when you called me that night. I remember praying and hoping that it was just some stupid mistake because you never seemed like the guy who would cheat on his girlfriend even if they were having problems. But you did and didn't even say sorry.

You broke up with me on a Sunday afternoon. I remember you standing on the edge of my bed telling me some bullshit excuse of how it was just over. You didn't want to understand my mental illness. You met someone else and just won't tell me but I know.

I spent a week trying to get you back. I tried so hard. I should've realized that when you didn't try then I should've stopped trying. I should've realized that when you got drunk instead of talking or realized when you blew me off that night that it was over.

It wasn't all negative. I am very for thankful for some parts of our relationship. Thank you for teaching me about my self worth. Thank you for teaching me that I should love myself when sometimes I just don't want too cause I don't feel like I should. Thank you for taking risks with me and showing me more of New England than I thought I would ever see. Thank you for teaching me how relationships should be 50/50 and full of compromise and passion. Thankful for teaching me about forgiveness and hope. Thank you for being one of a few people who saw potential in me in a time where I saw rock bottom again.

Thank you for making me feel so bad that I was able to truly cry for the first time in months. That allowed me to finally be more hopeful for the future. I can finally see myself in a much better place.

I hope you don't cheat on your next girlfriend. I hope and pray that you allow yourself to learn all about mental illness and actually understand how painful it is and how much it freaken sucks to deal with this on a daily basis. I hope you learn a lot about forgiveness. I am not gonna miss all the fighting and the worrying and banter about baseball. I won't miss trying to get ahold of you only to be told that you'd call me hours later. I will miss all the stupid snapchats and pictures. I'll miss hour long conversations where I am laughing till I am crying. I will miss debates about college football. I will miss who I once thought was my best friend.

Here's to new beginnings and the future.