365 One Year

365 days ago, May 1st 2017 I made one of the biggest decisions of my life.

I said goodbye to my family and I went to treatment because I was suicidal. I just wanted to die.

I remember sitting in the emergency room all day scared out of my mind because I didn't know what would happen next.

This was a long time coming. I remember battling self harm and suicidal thoughts in my early teens and battling more with them in my latter teens/early twenties. 

I didn't want to go but I had to go.

I remember the outbursts and the crying from being manic and just continuing to wish that I wasn't gonna go. I had read and heard horror stories about treatment.

They sent me to a hospital in Mansfield, Ohio where my (then) psychiatrist worked at part time. I remember seeing him and talking to him and feeling like he was the only thing that reminded me of home.

The hospital was lonely and I remember being the only one in my age group there. I was too old for the kids ward but I felt too young to be on the adult ward. I remember being jealous of this guy who I met I think his name was Tom or Tony and he was bright and smiling and he was going home way earlier than me and I was jealous. Way jealous.

He talked about his wife and his kids and how he was going to make his recovery work. He talked about his coping skills and other stuff. I thought maybe if I said that I would get to go home.

Six days.

Six days of treatment and waking up god awful early. Six days of meeting with therapists and nurses who watch you every single second you are up and breathing. Six days of being woken up by ether a nurse needing my vitals or my psychiatrist pissed because in the almost two years I was meeting with him I still took(take) naps.

One year post treatment life is still rough. I still have those days where all I want to do is sit in my bed and cry about everything and anything. Cry because my best friend isn't home yet. Cry because work is hard.

Bur I did it.

I lived to see two milestones. Twenty One and One Year Post Treatment.

Honestly?

I never thought I would live to see ether of those. I thought I would've killed myself by now. I've thought and thought about it but after what God has shown me I think I can still around for awhile longer.

Mental health is way important. You never know who is suffering. It could be your best friend, your neighbor or even someone in your family, be sensitive and supportive as you never know what is going through someone else's head.

Love always,

Kyrsten