A Letter to 2019

I tried to write this once but here I am.

It is because being home really brings back all the memories.

2019 has been a joke. I laugh when I say that because it basically has been. It feels like it has been the worst and best year of my life. Between my faith crisis and a toxic relationship that felt like it could've killed me to being the happiest I have been in a very long time. It is a life.

I am happy to be alive. I can't thank my friends and my family for basically keeping me alive through another year. I know my mental health has gotten so much better but at the same time I always need my friends and my family to get me through it.

I thank the toxic relationship I was in. It has taken me so long to be appreciative from what that has taught me. I know what I deserve. I know what I want. I know that I was treated so badly and that no apologize would ever fix it but I forgive him. I actually forgive him what he put me through. Took a very long time. If it wasn't for him, I don't think I would be in the situation that I am in now. I wish him nothing but the best for him and his new girlfriend. I hope things work out.

My faith crisis took most of the year I want to say but at the end I am so happy and thankful. I went into this year freshly going back to church after swearing up and down that I wouldn't and it helped. I don't think I have gotten down and prayed to my knees before this year. Towards the end of the year, my church started a Young Singles Adult group to meet every Sunday and it has brought blessings in itself. I have built such a testimony with so many other friends and I am thankful for each and everyone of them. I do have to thank God for His hand in my life. He has strengthened relationships with my friends and family members, He has brought me into the path that I needed to be.

At one point, this year I worked two jobs and was in school part time. You may say I am crazy but I loved it. I loved being busy. I loved realizing I had such a purpose. I have so much going with being as busy as I am. I realized that I can stay out of so much trouble.

As for me currently? I am home in the great state of Ohio until early January. When I return, I go back to work and school for the semester. I am in a good place. I have such a feeling that 2020 is going to bring the best blessings.

Happy Holidays everyone! See ya in 2020!

2.5

2.5 years ago my life was completely different.

2.5 years ago, probably exactly at this time I was sitting in treatment angry at everything in the world. I was a couple of months post diagnosis from my severe depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and bipolar disorder and I wanted to die.

I spent all of 2017 on all sorts of medications, different therapies, and by the end of that year I would be inpatient treatment twice and living in Vermont by the time the new year came around.

I spent the following year dealing with the hardest part in my opinion.

Recovery.

July of that year, I lost my health insurance and could not afford my medications. I ended up spending fourth of July detoxing at work.

That summer, between couch hoping, moving to a different town, starting a new job, and still figuring out my recovery was hands down one of the hardest things to do. I remember relying on alcohol and very manic behavior to get me through that summer.

The end of the year brought a breakup that looking back was much needed. It brought a chance to go home for some much needed family time. I also got to meet my baby brother who I am sure is the sole reason why I am alive.

This year has brought a year full of change.

I spent most of this year chasing a toxic relationship. It tore me apart and didn't seem to affect him. I fell for someone who made me feel things that I hadn't in a long time. I ended up cycling between manic and depressive episodes. When I walked away, I didn't know if I would ever recover. I drowned trying to save myself from something that was so broken.

I spent the last six months or so just having the time of my life. I really committed to church. I got a second job. I ended up going back to school through a church sponsored program. I am stable.

This last two and a half years has taught me that recovery is not a walk in the park. Recovery is a walk in progress. For me, it is keeping myself so busy that I don't have time to fall back into bad habits. It is learning to laugh again after thinking you would never be happy again.

Here is to the last two and a half years of recovery and hopefully many many more.

Sober Up

This blog post is actually really hard to write but needed to be said.

Ive made some life choices, I gave up alcohol.

And before I go on, I was NOT an alcoholic read the blog post. Carry on.  

When I wasn't actively going to church, I did what most people did when I was 21-22 did, I drank went to parties did whatever. People assume that I did it because of the fact that I have been going back to church again because members of The Church of Latter Day Saints don't drink alcohol. 

That is part of the reason but not all of it.

Due to my bipolar disorder, I get very manic which leads to a lot of impassivity or as I would like to call it lots of stupid stuff. For me, I used drinking as a cop out. And let lead to the cycles of a couple of times a month on a Friday getting drunk. It lead to not so nice Saturdays and a nice pattern that lead to SO many dumb decisions.

Mostly for the sake of my mental health AND church, I decided to give it up for good. 

I feel like the whole reason of WHY I am writing this is because some "friends" of mine have taken upon themselves to "make fun" and "question" why I have stopped drinking the last however. Let me tell ya. It is extremely hard but I manage. I deal with my stress and my anxiety in its own way. Also, I can't wait to prove people wrong when they say I can't stay sober. I care about my mental health and everything else way too much to throw it away for alcohol.

I honestly have felt SO much better after really committing myself to staying sober. Not gonna lie, sometimes working at a liquor store isn't too much fun on a super stressful day BUT that is also what so much netflix is for. 

Life is life and I am working on myself and getting healthy. 

If I'm Being Honest

If I'm Being Honest...

First of all I don't know who reads my blog posts or what but I am about to get real deep or at least I think.

The six to seven months have been a roller coaster. Everyone in their right minds knows how much I have been through. I honestly thought when I was slightly happy again I was over it. I was over everything and I could move on,

Just kidding.

I still find myself missing people I really shouldn't. I still post songs and quotes on my stories for certain people to see. (Oops there's the tea.) I still hope they think about me like I think about them.I still cry, not very often but once in a blue. I even got into a relationship for a little bit that I swore up and down I was ready for but it ended for a complete different reason and maybe in reality I wasn't ready for ether.

I thought I had learned everything I needed to learn from it all and I was ready. I was in a very fixed mindset. I was confident and content and didn't feel the need to learn and grow anymore. Well, the fixed mindset I was in was not healthy.

Silly me.

I still have SO much growing to do. I know myself and I know I have so much more potential. I have so much to learn in the next however long it takes to me fully content. I knew I was content but I was comfortable. I am ready to get out of my comfort zone and see what the world offers me.

I am scared to death but ready.

Here's to new adventures more than I ever know.

Dear 2019

I know you aren't completely over but after a lot of reflection of this year I felt like this was needed. Here goes.

The first thing is that comes to my mind when it comes to 2019 is the fact that it felt like so many times I was pushed down to my breaking point. There was a point where I honestly didn't think I was going to make it. I thought I was going to spend the rest of the year drowning. Well i'm still here.

This year opened my eyes and my heart. I am thankful. You brought some people in my life. I won't forget all the adventures. Some late nights and some early mornings. The major heartbreak that I went through I didn't think I'd survive. People constantly made fun of me and questioned me of why I fell so hard and why it was so hard to let go of him. He made me feel whole for the first time in a long time and I can't wait to experience that in a non toxic way. I was also all in. I was in deep. I lost sleep, cried, cried even more, and lost myself in the process. I can't hate him if I tried but man sometimes I do.

With heartbreak, brings all new experiences. I have grown my hair. I wear lipstick once a week. I've met so many new people. Strengthened some friendships. I went on motorcycle for the first time in YEARS. Hello what? I went hiking. I tried different food and pushed myself outside of my comfort zone.

I'm forever grateful for the now strong relationship I have with God. I am thankful to be back attending church weekly. I got to attend the temple for the first time in three years. My heart is so full. Once again, God has shown much how much this gospel can really made an impact on your life. It has really brought back some light into my life. I love going to church and becoming more and more social every Sunday!

I think the one thing that this year has brought is the fact that I am going back to school. Not just spoken word. I officially started what is called the BYU Pathway program. It is an online program which is basically a college prep program. I am learning life skills, professional skills and other stuff to prepare me go to back to a full time university. It is amazing. It is only weeks in and I am learning a lot. It is gonna take up SO much of my time especially with also working but it is going to be worth it. I am excited and proud.

My mental health is stable. I will admit it is not in the place where I would like it to be. I would like to be in a better place but my mental health is a battle against my self and its an everyday battle. I am doing so much better than I used to be and I am proud of that. I am happy to be smiling more and enjoying life.

This year has tried to push me down but I pulled myself back up.

Thank you 2019 for everything. Yes including the fact that I have cried WAY more than I have ever wanted to this year. Thank you for all the laughs and smiles and wonderful things that you have brought into my life.

Unless something drastically happens in the next three months that I need another reflection post for the year, this is me signing off.

Until next time.

Kyrsten

My Bipolar Disorder

My name is Kyrsten and i suffer from Bipolar Disorder.

I wish that it was something easy to talk about. I wish it just meant that my moods just switch. In reality it is so much more than that.

Life with bipolar is weird and complicated. It is also one of the hardest most frustrating things I've ever had to experience in my life. I can have really good days where I am on top of the world ans then by the next day I can be in tears not talking to anyone.

Here are some symptoms that I commonly(probably everyday) deal with:

• Disorganized behavior
• Impulsivity  
• Manic episode(s)
• Insomnia
• Anxiety/Depression
• Mood Swings
• Sadness
• Loss of interest or pleasure
• Irritability

The list can go on if we are being honest but these are some of the most common and the reason why my days can be and are sometimes so very hard.

Recently, I went through this awful manic episode. I spent money that I shouldn't, I cried over my ecx boyfriend for no reason, I obsessively binge watched the third season of 13 Reasons Why, and probably more i cant think of off the top of my head. I freaked out on a Saturday night because I was home alone watching Netflix while my roommates were at work, and while my other friends were busy. I also got way too easily irritated at customers in the last week when they just wanted their liquor/gas/food and want to go home. It wasn't fun.

It was exhausting and frustrating. One thing I noticed when I am manic is that it was exhausting to talk to people who I am close to and all I wanted to do was withdraw. I would open texts and Snapchats and want to reply but it was hard to reply. I wanted to make plans but dread when I had an event come up. I wanted to be with my friends but at the same time I wanted to be alone more than ever.

Some people think Mental Illness is the end of the world for them. I know for the longest time I thought that my bipolar diagnosis was the end of the world. I wondered if everyone would see me differently. As much as I worried about that, it was true. People DO see people with bipolar disorder in a very different light. It was very much negative but it can be positive.

I am a person outside of my mental illness and sometimes I wonder if I even fail to see that. I know even on my hardest days that my bipolar disorder isn't me entirely. It does control a huge chunk of my life. I also know with the right coping skills and tools that I am able to keep it in check. I know that I have a huge support system and that I am never alone. 

My bipolar disorder will never be the end of me. 

Here's To The Future

There's literally a little less than four months left in 2019.

I LOVE making reflective posts so here is basically one about what 2019 has taught me this year.

Falling in Love is OKAY:  For some reason when thinking about this year, I think about how I fell so hard so fast. I have SO many feelings about it but I know that it was okay and it was valid and it taught me so many more lessons that I thought I could imagine.

Never Give Up:  In the last eight months, I have hit my lowest I have in years. I cried more than I wanted. I did some stuff I wasn't proud of. For the longest time, I didn't know who I was and I didn't think I was going to make it. I didn't give up. I didn't give up cause even though I didn't think I was going to make it past it but something kept me going and I am so glad I did.

Be Bold: I recently told someone that I missed them but it wasn't worth it. I have recently learned to be bold about how I felt. I decided that I wasn't going to let anything hold me back from what I wanted and how I was going to get it. I am not sorry about it ether. I wasn't going to hold the truth back from anyone no matter what.

Be Honest: I could go about this one from many different ways. I was honest when I walked away from something that was destroying me in more ways than one. I am honest when I say it impacts every single relationship I have moving forward with my life. Honesty is the best policy. I was honest with someone about stuff that happened months ago and it was something that opened the door to such great communication and I am grateful. I am honest when I say it still hurts and that not a day goes by when I say that I so wish it turned out different but I am grateful for the memories.

Cry When Needed: I have cried a whole hell of a lot in the last eight months. I cried when I left back to Vermont in January. I cried when the guy I loved couldn't get his crap together. I cried when he lied to me. I've cried more times than I wanted too. One thing that I have learned in all my times of crying (ridiculous I know but bear with me) that I am ALWAYS okay right after and sometimes all you need is a good cry.

Trust Your Instincts: In being bold and honest, I never wanted to walk away, I woke up one morning with this gut feeling that I needed to for the sake of me and my mental health, I remember being sad all morning to my best friend, I remember telling him we needed to talk, and I remember walking away and it being the hardest thing I have ever done. If I didn't follow my gut feeling, I would not have learned how to be on my own and how to fall in love with myself all over again. I would not have laughed harder than I have in months. It was for the best for so many reasons. My gut instincts has strengthened my relationship with so many important people in my life and God. I am thankful.

2019 hasn't been easy in the slightest but I have never been so grateful for everything that has happened and the lessons I have learned.

The Story Never Ends

First of all, it has been a hot minute since I have made a blog post. I also feel like this one has been coming for a long time so bear with me.

I have spent the last two months falling in love with myself and life all over again. I went hiking for the first time in years, I put God in the front part of my life, I changed my schedule at work then got a new job(spoiler alert). For the first time in forever I put myself first and did things on my terms and not on anyone elses.

I cried. My gosh, I honestly didn't think I would ever stop crying. One of the things that I did that was important is that I stopped waiting. I didn't need the closure anymore. I stopped wondering why it happened. I stopped feelings like I needed to know. I pulled myself out of the depression that was killing me. All of my friends im sure were annoyed of the constant wondering but also super concerned of just how sad I was.

When hiking, my friend brought me to this wonderful waterfall. I remembering being 19 again and falling in love and living my best life. As complicated as being 19 was, I remember living my best life then. Ever since that day, I have been dedicated to living my best life. I promised myself and others that I would never feel that sad again.

I am not 100%. I still struggle. I am human right? I still miss that person, that period of time so deeply.

I was ranting to a dear friend who actually inspired this blog post, and she told me that it was normal to be sad over it. It is okay to miss the person and the time period because of the connection. For me that spoke so deeply and it hit so close to home. I have so many people in my life who told me that I need to just move on. I had so many people who just told me to forget all about it because it was bad.

Well it wasn't ALL bad. It was being treated bad at the end. There was good parts and I will treasure the good parts. It was laughing till late hours and sharing stories till we couldn't. Sharing favorite songs because sometimes you bond over music. Memories I miss with all of my heart BUT life moves on.

My story isn't over. This is another chapter that is bittersweet to close but I can't dwell on it forever.

I am at a point of my life where I am supposed to be living my best life. I will be damned if I don't. I refuse to hold anything back. I refuse to let anything get in my way.

I am going to live my best life and be happy again.

Always Home

Ohio will forever be near and dear to my heart. No matter what Ohio teaches me something that I am sure that I needed but at the time was too stubborn to realize. Here are somethings that being home has taught me.

• Home is Always Home:  I didn't realize how much I needed to be home until I was home. I didn't realize how much I needed to be around my family laughing about some joke or being roasted about something I did when I was younger until it happened.

• Life Moves On: For a girl who has been struggling with this over the last month this took until about a day before this was written to realize. No this isn't another rant about some dumb guy who broke my heart but yes that ties into that a little bit. My hometown town has barley changed since the last time I was really home. I drove around my high school and it had felt like an eternity since I was in school. I remembered the football field where I spent Friday nights during football season. I remembered running up a staircase before choir concerts. The thing that hit me the most is that my life has drastically changed. I wasn't the same girl in high school or even a year after high school. 

• People Change: The last time I was home, I wanted nothing more than to hang out with the same people that I hung out with before I moved to Vermont. Well, I learned REAL fast that people change and again their lives still continues. I got the chance to hang out with some people who I haven't seen in YEARS and when I mean years, I mean literally 2014 and 2016. Ow. My bad. Everyone goes through changes and deals with their own stuff. Sometimes for the good and sometimes for the bad.

• ALWAYS SPEND TIME WITH YOUR SIBLINGS: This is in all caps because I'm going to admit something. I spent Christmas time more focused "attempting" to catch up with old friends and getting upset when they couldn't then realizing that my best friends and the people who are always there were right in front of me. This trip, I spent a couple of hours individually with each of my siblings. Honestly? It has been a blast. I have loved spending that one on one time with them and just talking about whatever they wanted to and just focusing on them. I made memories with all of them that I hope we won't forget. 

• Nothing Goes According To Plan: I included this because again its what hits you hard the most. Sometimes, I think God laughs at me when I try to have a plan. This vacation, I planned ALOT of things. I planned a new tattoo. I planned on getting a laptop. I planned on avoiding my mother. I planned on being totally over the boy who broke my heart. You wanna know how much that happened?  None of it. I've learned from all of it. I spent some time with my mother and learned it's really better to keep her at a distance and move on. Continuing to be mad isn't going to get me far in life. Plans do fall through. And that boy? I don't think anyone truly realizes my feelings. Maybe people never will including him. It didn't work out and I am slowly(very slowly) trying to move on with the rest of my life.

• Never Forget Who You Are: I think before I came home, I was lost and stuck. Actually im sure I have written a blog post in the last month about it. Coming home has made me realize that yes I wear my heart on my sleeve but it also made me realize that I am almost the same girl who left almost two years ago to start over. Almost being that I am so much stronger. It took every experience I had here to make something better. I needed to come home and be grounded to know that I won't be stuck forever. I can be happy.

Being home has been an adventure. I am grateful. I am thankful for the weird gut feeling I had three months ago to push my vacation up a month. Sometimes all you need is to come home remember your roots and get a nice little reality check.

Life Moves On

The sentence that describes the last month or two of my life is, "Life moves on"

Actually, it describes the last six months of my life but that is beside the point. It's just hit me harder the month or two.

For the longest time, I stayed stuck. I stayed stuck in relationships that ended. I stayed stuck in experiences that I had good/bad just to find another reason to stay stuck. This time i refused to stay stuck.

When my last relationship ended, I was destroyed mentally/emotionally for awhile. Some days it is harder than others. It wasn't until I was basically forced to move on that I adapted to that saying life moves on. My life returned back to normal the way it was before I started seeing him, I just had all these memories I had to try to get over.

And it hurt. And some days it still hurts but making sure my life continues on after the pain and sadness I've gotten closer with my roommate who is now one of my best friends. She knows all about all my problems and we tell each other basically everything. I've gotten closer to people at church and being more active and building my relationship with God and knowing that everything happens for a reason.

What has really helped me is that a couple of weeks after I ended things, I ended up going home to Ohio for vacation. The funny thing is that I planned my vacation while seeing him. I knew I was going home no matter what. But the real good thing is that being home so far I have found everything I have needed.

I didn't realize how much I needed Ohio until I landed in Ohio.

I've had my ranting sessions to my dad, I have had lots of baby cuddles. I have caught up with old friends. It has been great. I have laughed and smiled more like myself then when everything was going on the last couple of months. I am not saying the last couple of months were bad, of course they weren't. I loved most of the last couple of months, but I am learning how to be myself again and that is beautiful.

I told myself that me coming home was going to be me learning how to fall in love with life and myself again. I was going to learn that I can be myself without someone else. I lost myself while falling for someone else. It was beautiful and magical it was also complicated and exhausting.

My life the last five days has been full of adventure laughing with my siblings, sharing stories upon stories with my step mom and learning you may move 600 miles away from home but sometimes all you need is a trip home for everything to make sense again.

I am thankful.

Life is constantly one thing after another. For me, it took a major heartbreak from someone who I would've given the world and beyond to realize that even when it ends the world doesn't. I still have so much to learn at 22 and I am beyond excited for it. I am beyond excited to see what God throws at me next.

I am in a weird place right now. I am in between fighting for what I want and what I need. I know that no matter what happens that I will come out on the other side and that life moves on and so will I even if it takes awhile.

Consquences

Today I choose to not be quiet anymore.

The last two months have been the hardest two months of my life. I have probably sat in my bed debated more stuff that is going on. I questioned myself and everything around me and for awhile I felt like I was drowning. I went to work, went to church, and got sucked in this cycle that I didn't know how to get out of until recently.

Two months ago, I started talking to and seeing someone. It turned very dysfunctional real fast. He was sweet and caring behind closed doors, we danced in his kitchen, stayed up till five am laughing and singing, he slowly became everything I wanted. But when it came to not being behind closed doors I only existed when he wanted me to exist. I prayed all the time for a miracle.

I became very angry and very sad. I ranted to friends and coworkers without saying a name about the guy I liked who was stressing me out. I found myself glued to my phone waiting. Waiting on a message, hanging on to every word, hoping that maybe he'd want to hang out with me. I remember caring about work enough to get back because I was stressed.

It became very unhealthy just keeping this secret.. He lived his life and I was basically sworn to secrecy. I coped in the worst ways. I spent Friday nights partying then Saturdays kinda stumbling into work laughing about what stupid thing I did the night before. I would stay up till 4-5 am when I was with him just so I could spend sometime with him. Then I would go work my eight hour shift after getting up at 9-10.

Nothing in that situation with this guy I was in made sense or was even good. It took me honestly so long to see how dysfunctional about it. No matter how many times I tried to tell him that I wasn't someone he could just keep a secret, it seemed like things would never change. I also never really knew how he felt. I opened up and tried so hard to communicate and I got the same thing over and over again.

At one point during a monthly meeting with my local church leader, I ended up almost breaking down. I told him how I was sad and stressed and I just was struggling to cope. He suggested that I start using church services to get into therapy to maybe start feeling better.


I tried to tell myself that he was going to change. Someday he was going to wake up and realize that I was not keeping a secret. It wasn't until very early Saturday morning that I ended up walking away. I kept telling him that I deserved better and that no one needs to be kept some dirty little secret. I couldn't stand seeing him at this place and work and him acting like I barley existed. He shut me out completely and I was over it. I was over feeling like complete crap. I knew I had to let go even though walking away was the hardest thing I have ever done.

Coming to the realization that I deserve better and that I need to focus on myself and my mental health has been challenging but so rewarding in itself.

I have learned in the last couple of days that silence and distance is sometimes the best medicine. I have learned that I need to put myself first and not lose myself in some guy. I refuse to compromise my recovery and my happiness.

It is going to take a heck of a long time. I don't know how exactly how I am going to come back from this but I promise I will come back and rise again.

Hard Times

When I was 18 graduating high school, I had a plan.

I had this plan that I would go out to college in Idaho for all four years and become a journalist. Then my life changed.

I didn't have enough money to pay for my second semester and I ended up dropping out and coming home. Upon coming home, I had this impression to serve a church service for The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. After starting that process, I ended up getting diagnosed with depression and anxiety and spent the next year and a half getting healthy.

I told myself after getting healthy I was going to go back to school. I was very adamant on ether going back to Idaho or when Idaho wasn't an option I decided to stay local. Well again, life happened and then my dad and I moved to Vermont.

I have figured out that basically every time I try to figure out a specific plan for anything from life choices and dating to church and everything else in between something happens. It is something that has recently come to my attention that I need to take for face value.

I had a plan for two major important conversations that I needed to happen with someone. I went in semi prepared. I was sadly rehearsed just in case and as the story goes nothing happened the way I wanted it to happen. Especially with the second conversation, I was left very frustrated and felt like I needed to say much much more. But maybe I did say everything that was needed to be sad.

I believe in fate. I believe that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes you meet someone and they turn your world upside down. They make you feel things that you never thought in a million years you would. Sometimes you make a plan to visit home and then feel the need to push it a month sooner. Sometimes you find a way to get the mental help you need.

I have learned that things work out they way they need too not how I want them to go all of the time. Maybe it is not the timing or the way I needed it to but it is the way that the universe and God needs them to be. I am starting to be okay with that. I have slowly but surely realized that sometimes things in my life and I need to trust that they will work out.

No matter what happens in my life especially in the hardest of times, I know there is a plan for me. I know that everything happens for a reason and that I am slowly learning that everything is going to work out the way that they need to.

I am confident and scared but I mean what is life without a little adventure?

Life Worth Living

Life is weird.

Blog over.

Just kidding I promise.

I have to come to the conclusion that nothing is easy. Nothing is easy that is not completely worth it.

I recently have spent the last week or so beating myself up over stupid little stuff. I have cried over not getting a reply and I cried over just wanting to be back home but in the end I shouldn't beat myself up. It is worth it. It is completely and utterly worth it.

Life doesn't always need to make sense. Sometimes you will have a perfectly good day and then something really hard will rock your world. Sometimes you will have a terrible day and then something magical happens. In my case, I had a couple terrible weeks and something kinda magical happened.

I finally realized that I have been stressing out SO much about what it takes to be happy. Happiness is so simple and so utterly complicated. I have realized that I am happy when I get a good morning text or waking up next to the person I want to wake up to. I am happy when I realize that I am off and I can go home and relax. Today for example, I was overjoyed by the fact that my step mom sent me pictures of my baby brother without me even asking her.

It is the simple things in life. I keep complicating happiness and making everything super hard. Life isn't easy and in the end I have to fight for what I want but also know what I deserve. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be someone's pride and joy. I deserve people in my life who aren't ashamed of me. I deserve nothing but the best in life.

It has taken me forever to realize all of this. It took months of me treating myself like trash. I did things to make myself feel even a tiny bit of emotion. I lost myself for months and I ended up rebuilding myself all over again.

Learning who I am and what I want is an adventure. It has been filled with tears. It has been filled with laughs and smiles and memories that I will probably never forget. I fell in love with being alive again which honestly I didn't think would ever happen. I knew I would be "happy" but in a fake happy type of sense.

Life is weird and scary and complicated. It is all about telling the truth and not hiding from it. It is all about taking risks and hoping that maybe in the end they will all be worth it.

My life is worth living again after a long darkness.

I still have a long way to go. I know that but right now I am content with my progress. I am content with the fact that it gets better. I know that I will still have really bad days. Let's be real, I still have days where I just lay in bed all day and let everything out.

At the end of the day, I will be okay. It will all be okay. That is a life worth living that is for sure.

Things I Am Learning At 22

I am basically 2 months into being 22 and let me say it has been the weirdest two months of my life. I have never laughed, cried, and fought so hard in my life and I have some lessons that I will probably take with me for the rest of my life.

Things I have learned since turning 22:

• Find a reason to smile each day. I have this customer who is the biggest pain in the butt sometimes but in reality he is my favorite. No matter what he makes me laugh and smile on the worst days. He told me that you have to find a reason to smile each day and its stuck with me. There's always something good that happens even on a bad day.
• ALWAYS CALL HOME. Living out of state is so weird but Vermont is my home. I call my dad at LEAST 2 times a week sometimes more. He is my best friend and my biggest supporter even at 22 and I am forever grateful for his example and his love even when he makes fun of me.
• Life is awkward. I recently started going back on dates after really ending something that has taken me two months to finally decide that I can put myself back out there. I went on a date with a guy who spent the entire time talking about his ex girlfriend. I went on another date with a guy who I later found out works at the restaurant that my ex and i used to go to all the time but we never met until then. Yeah life is weird. Awkward stories down the road are pretty sweet sometimes
• Cut out toxic people. So I recently cut out my mother. I don't have any communication with her at all nor I don't think it is gonna happen. My life has been fantastic since then. It has been a long time coming and that is all I am going to say about that.
• Be Bold I thank a guy for this one. I met him probably a month a half ago and since then I have learned to be bold in my feelings and take chances. I am learning (still a work in progress) to be up front in what I want. I also am more bold with what I deserve. I have come to realize that I deserve to be treated with respect and to love and be loved in return.
• Don't Beg Anyone To Stay In Your Life. This one hurts. Between, losing people who I swore would be in my life forever to a breakup that honestly has opened my eyes and made me realize that it is a complete waste of time to beg people to stay in your life if they don't want to be. It does so good just to let go and move on even if it super hard.

22 is weird. I some days feel like I am constantly having a midlife crisis. I feel like sometimes I need another tattoo(i mean its true but adulting) or a piercing or to just go home and cuddle with my baby brother. As interesting as it has been, I am honestly excited for all the things 22 is gonna bring at me.

Be Alright

Opening up is always hard but here we go.

May of 2017 I met a guy. I met a guy who I really liked. He was in the military and gosh darn it, it was attractive. We ended up starting to date and seeing where things go.

Right after we started dating, he went on a military training thing for a couple of weeks.

He came back and things were fine for a bit. Then for some reason, he got kinda distant. He would hide his phone away and when I would even pick it up he would freak out just a little bit. He would also tilt his phone away whenever he would put in his password.

I being paranoid I googled searched the likelihood that he was cheating on me. I didn't think he would cheat on me. One night before bed I saw him put in his phone password and then once he was sleeping I looked and saw he was sending messages to another girl. He was telling her all the things he was telling me and even telling her all about his training. She was also sending him pictures.

At that point in my life, I had just found out my then roommate stole my money and didn't pay our rent so I had to find a place to live so my apartment was basically empty other then my stuff. I ended up going into the other room and crying for two hours. I felt so broken.

I confronted him that weekend after meeting his mom.

I took him back because he seemed sorry and he cried in his car telling me how he messed up and how it was never gonna happen again.

We broke up for a reason I think my mind blocked out but after i moved on and started dating someone new he ended up slashing that guys tires.

After that relationship ended and we took a break from being friends or even communicating. I somehow was back in communication this this boy. We ended up hanging out again and going on dates and things seemed normal so normal.

It seemed normal until we put a label on things. When he became my boyfriend again, my every move was watched. He always had to know who I was texting. He didn't like the male coworkers I worked with. He didn't like that I had a guy friend who made me laugh.

It got worse when I went home to Ohio. I spent most of my trip trying to enjoy it. But in reality it was hard. I got texts and calls everyday of how I should've been in contact with him. I couldn't go hours without not talking to him or he would get mad. My sister couldn't make a joke about her getting all my time because he thought I was cheating. He tracked my location on snapchat to wonder who I was with.

I remember two weeks we went to a dinner and I made plans with a friend who I hadn't seen in three years between college and a mission and he got jealous and angry because I was excited. Well at that dinner, I kept getting my phone blown up because he thought I was cheating.

I got home and really ended things days later. I told him I wasn't happy and the jealously was killing me.

Recently, I hung out with him because I loved him and I wanted to see if maybe things would get any better. Of course they didn't as he started drama with another one of my guy friends. Everytime even recently if a guy friend would text me he would roll his eyes at me about it. I would get constant crap about my male coworkers and how they just talk to me to get with me.

That's not even the worst.

I googled searched signs of emotional abuse and mental abuse and I find myself sick of the realization of what it was. I thought it was just pure manipulation not abuse.

He recently admitted to trying to get me isolated from most of the males I knew. He also blamed all my guy friends for being my friend and me for talking to them.

I am scared to be happy. I am scared to get to know someone I have feelings for someone in fear of getting screamed at and put down. I have rejected dates with guys for a month because I am scared that someone is going to yell at me for even trying to have a good time.

I have taken a stand against my mental health in terms of just wanting to feel whole again. Confronting him and realizing that I indeed was in an abusive relationship is hard. So hard but freeing in the fact that someday I will be able to move on. Someday I will be happy. It has taken me a bit to wonder why I couldn't put myself out there and why I couldn't just say yes.

Abuse is never the answer. You don't abuse someone you love. You don't fuck them up emotionally and mentally.

22.

Everytime I think about days away from being 22, I think of how I didn't think I would live to turn 22.

I also realize I am open about things on social media so people don't look at me and say "Oh this is what you are dealing with" after they hear something about me. Usually what happens but not the point.

Between the ages of 12-16, I was heavily depressed. I was that angsty teenager who got into that pop punk music. I took depression quizzes online and wished maybe my parents would realize how sad I really was.

Fast forward to 20, I was hospitalized twice because all I wanted in life was to not live. Between one failed engagement, a rape, and a hospitalization by the time I was 20 and a half years old, living seemed impossible. I was under the microscope between family, my endless doctors, and I was at home barley living.

Then by 21, I was in an all new state and basically the way I see it a whole new life.

You see, I didn't expect to see 21. So when I posted a post on my facebook about growing up suicidal which yes yes I did and I made the comment about how I have no idea what the hell(yes I used hell) I am doing with my life because I really didn't expect to be alive this long.

For me, that post has summed up the last week or two of how I have been feeling and it was put into perfect words. I have been not too excited about turning 22 because in reality I have no idea what the hell I am doing with my life. I wouldn't say I am totally lost just kinda confused. Confused in a sense of "Oh i am alive? What to do now?"

I know the general answer, "Keep living, Keep moving forward." Well thanks that is what I did when i was 21. I am scared to be 22 but at the same time, you see 21 was huge for me in terms of so much.

When I was 21, I stopped living with my dad, I really got my heart broken, and honestly really realized what I wanted in life and how to get there. It was hands down the best year of my life. I found my independence, a job I don't totally hate(sometimes), and people I think I can actually surround myself with.

How do I top that?

That is another question that has been really floating in my mind in the last two weeks. How the heck do I beat 21?

Well I guess only time will tell.

Thank you year 21 for being exactly what I needed in terms of fresh starts, recovery,love and happiness. Thank you for being the year I felt like I really needed to live.

As freaked out as I am about being 22, bring it on starting Thursday.

Dear Ohio

I have been in your little state for two weeks(give/take a day) and I have done some crazy reflection.

I have literally gotten a little insight of what my life would've been like if I didn't move to Vermont. I feel like maybe I would've probably been working the same job I was when I came home from college.

Life is weird.

I hung out with some people who I haven't seen in sooo long. I saw someone who I haven't seen in over three years. CRAZY RIGHT? I actually went to a party. Who knew Kyrsten would actually leave the house long enough to go to a party?? My body hates me but that isn't the point. 

I honestly thought maybe I could fix a relationship that was very toxic before I left for Vermont but yes I learned that it is still toxic and something I need to leave in 2018. Thank u next! I am actually not sorry for that Ariana Grande reference. I decided I needed to leave it in 2018 due to the fact that when I was home nothing got better. Okay it got better for like 10 hours and that was it.

Ohio for me is still very toxic just in general. I was reminded of many failed relationships, I was reminded of my rape, and just mostly of the bad things. I spent some of this little vacation of mine dwelling on the fact that all the friends who wanted to hang out didn't hang out with me and that was disappointing in the nicest.

I am very grateful though to see my family. I got to meet my baby brother who is the cutest little dude I have ever met in my life. I have loved getting to know his little personality and finding out different ways to make him and laugh. It has been super great spending time with my sisters who always keep me in my toes and make me act like a little kid haha.

It has been good but very bittersweet to be home. I had a lot of feelings come back about a lot of things that I wasn't prepared to feel about. It was hard and very much emotional. At the same time, it made me remember some of the good times. Cue Good Times by All Time Low.

It was very bittersweet to hang out with some people who in reality I didn't want to leave. It was people who I didn't want to leave in the first place and seeing them again was hard especially not knowing when I was going to see them again. 

Ohio is forever my home. It was the place where I was born, the place where I learned most of everything I know. Vermont is the place where life got so much better. My life came full circle when I moved to Vermont. As bittersweet and emotional as it was to come home, I had fun when I did.

Thanks Ohio for the little vacation.