My Bipolar Disorder

My name is Kyrsten and i suffer from Bipolar Disorder.

I wish that it was something easy to talk about. I wish it just meant that my moods just switch. In reality it is so much more than that.

Life with bipolar is weird and complicated. It is also one of the hardest most frustrating things I've ever had to experience in my life. I can have really good days where I am on top of the world ans then by the next day I can be in tears not talking to anyone.

Here are some symptoms that I commonly(probably everyday) deal with:

• Disorganized behavior
• Impulsivity  
• Manic episode(s)
• Insomnia
• Anxiety/Depression
• Mood Swings
• Sadness
• Loss of interest or pleasure
• Irritability

The list can go on if we are being honest but these are some of the most common and the reason why my days can be and are sometimes so very hard.

Recently, I went through this awful manic episode. I spent money that I shouldn't, I cried over my ecx boyfriend for no reason, I obsessively binge watched the third season of 13 Reasons Why, and probably more i cant think of off the top of my head. I freaked out on a Saturday night because I was home alone watching Netflix while my roommates were at work, and while my other friends were busy. I also got way too easily irritated at customers in the last week when they just wanted their liquor/gas/food and want to go home. It wasn't fun.

It was exhausting and frustrating. One thing I noticed when I am manic is that it was exhausting to talk to people who I am close to and all I wanted to do was withdraw. I would open texts and Snapchats and want to reply but it was hard to reply. I wanted to make plans but dread when I had an event come up. I wanted to be with my friends but at the same time I wanted to be alone more than ever.

Some people think Mental Illness is the end of the world for them. I know for the longest time I thought that my bipolar diagnosis was the end of the world. I wondered if everyone would see me differently. As much as I worried about that, it was true. People DO see people with bipolar disorder in a very different light. It was very much negative but it can be positive.

I am a person outside of my mental illness and sometimes I wonder if I even fail to see that. I know even on my hardest days that my bipolar disorder isn't me entirely. It does control a huge chunk of my life. I also know with the right coping skills and tools that I am able to keep it in check. I know that I have a huge support system and that I am never alone. 

My bipolar disorder will never be the end of me.