22.

Everytime I think about days away from being 22, I think of how I didn't think I would live to turn 22.

I also realize I am open about things on social media so people don't look at me and say "Oh this is what you are dealing with" after they hear something about me. Usually what happens but not the point.

Between the ages of 12-16, I was heavily depressed. I was that angsty teenager who got into that pop punk music. I took depression quizzes online and wished maybe my parents would realize how sad I really was.

Fast forward to 20, I was hospitalized twice because all I wanted in life was to not live. Between one failed engagement, a rape, and a hospitalization by the time I was 20 and a half years old, living seemed impossible. I was under the microscope between family, my endless doctors, and I was at home barley living.

Then by 21, I was in an all new state and basically the way I see it a whole new life.

You see, I didn't expect to see 21. So when I posted a post on my facebook about growing up suicidal which yes yes I did and I made the comment about how I have no idea what the hell(yes I used hell) I am doing with my life because I really didn't expect to be alive this long.

For me, that post has summed up the last week or two of how I have been feeling and it was put into perfect words. I have been not too excited about turning 22 because in reality I have no idea what the hell I am doing with my life. I wouldn't say I am totally lost just kinda confused. Confused in a sense of "Oh i am alive? What to do now?"

I know the general answer, "Keep living, Keep moving forward." Well thanks that is what I did when i was 21. I am scared to be 22 but at the same time, you see 21 was huge for me in terms of so much.

When I was 21, I stopped living with my dad, I really got my heart broken, and honestly really realized what I wanted in life and how to get there. It was hands down the best year of my life. I found my independence, a job I don't totally hate(sometimes), and people I think I can actually surround myself with.

How do I top that?

That is another question that has been really floating in my mind in the last two weeks. How the heck do I beat 21?

Well I guess only time will tell.

Thank you year 21 for being exactly what I needed in terms of fresh starts, recovery,love and happiness. Thank you for being the year I felt like I really needed to live.

As freaked out as I am about being 22, bring it on starting Thursday.