I'm always open and maybe sometimes that gets me in trouble but oh well here goes.
My ugly friend is named Depression. Depression is hands down my worst nightmare. It starts from the moment I wake up to the moment I close my eyes at the end of the day.
It tells me how awful of a person I am and how I don't deserve much attention. When I call one of the people who is in my support system my stomach drops in anxiety and sigh the moment it goes to voicemail. My voicemail is pitiful as I just think another person doesn't have the time for me.
I talk to my friends in Ohio who have decided that I am not worth their time and same goes to some of my friends in the west. When did I become like this?
It's suddenly one am and I realize at some point I need to sleep but my mind goes on to everything that has happened. It is snowy and cold and I wish to be somewhere else but where? I tell myself that the next two months won't be the hardest of my life. I tell myself that if I can get through this I can get through
I look at my medications like a chore. I take them in the morning and in the evening because let's be real I wouldn't be a person without my medicine. I am a girl who is hopeful with life but also knows that nothing works in my favor.
My depression looks me dead in the eye and smiles because most days it wins. It has me sleeping all the time and confined in my bed. It has me wishing for attention and comfort from anyone who will give it.
My battle has been going on for years and years. I remember at the end of each other for as long as I can remember I would tell myself that next year would be next because I would beat my depression. Silly me for thinking I could actually beat my depression. My depression has taken a front seat in my life. Most days it tells me how I should feel and how I should act.
Depression is scary and it sucks the life out of you. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I remember wanting to serve an LDS mission and I couldn't because my depression couldn't get under control.
Five meds later and doctors every month I'm okay, I have a support system. Having mental health issues makes you realize who your real friends are and it sucks but at the same time it isn't.
I will never be friends with my depression. I am at the point as I will never be friends with my depression but I have to learn to deal with it and move forward with my life.
My battle isn't far from over but I am ready to fight.
Friday, December 22, 2017
Sunday, December 10, 2017
two thousand and seventeen
Hands down the worst year of my life and I am not gonna sit here and sugar coat it.
Spotify came out with a playlist of songs that basically defined 2017. In my opinion, it is post breakup/post hospitalization.
I'm gonna post at least 5-10 of my absolute favorite and explain how they pertain to this year.
Mr. Brightside- The Killers
Mr. Brightside is one of those songs that you find yourself dancing to after a long day. I think I was shown this song by my ex and for the longest time I couldn't listen to it. It made me sad listening to it. Then one day I found myself singing and almost crying because the song no longer had a negative connotation to it.
F U Till I F U -Call Me Karizma
I found myself spending days crying to this song. This song is one of my all time favorites. I mean you would think since I have the lyrics, "I'm gonna love you forever that's just my curse it's whatever." tattooed. I related this to my failed engagement more than anything. I still find myself loving my ex. He put me through so much stuff this year that I had to relearn who I was and how to start over after something new. It hurt like hell. He hated me at the time and sometimes I thought he was the only person I thought I could turn to.
The Scientist - Coldplay
It wasn't good enough I figured out. "Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard. Oh take me back to the start." I cried even more. I wanted all of it back. I told people to hang on to the love they had because I was stupid enough to ruin it. That was my biggest regret. I wanted him back more than anything. I sent him message after message. I begged and pleaded for just one more chance. I remember being in the hospital and getting off the phone and crying. Crying till my head hurt and my friends holding me because I was sobbing against a wall. I remember praying to God that I would one day get it back but I never will.
Swim- Jack's Mannequin
2017 has been more than heartbreak. I wanted to die. I told my parents straight up that I wanted to end it all.This year I ended up in the mental hospital twice. One in Mansfield and the other in Marion. It was like I got another chance to live. Without the help especially the second time around, I may not have been alive to tell my story. It wasn't until I saw on twiter that a mutual friend was listening to this band. I played this song and yes I broke out in tears. I realized that this song was my anthem to keep going.
Boys Like You- Anna Clendening
This song is my anthem now when it comes to relationships. I have dated my fair share of people this year. Two of them have really made me evaluate myself and how I trust. They both have made me very skeptical of getting hurt. Very commitment phobic now. They made me both believe that I could get it right this time and with them I didn't. They both ended up hurting me. I thought they were both different and it sucked.
Stay Together- Noah Cyrus
I love Noah Cyrus. I became a huge fan of hers after Made Me Cry and Stay Together. Everytime I listened to Stay Together I had this feeling that I was on top of the world. I could do whatever. I felt like I was kinda invincible and that rocked. I did some stupid stuff while listening to this song. But feeling a little bit on top of the world and smiling and laughing made up for whatever I did.
Black & Blue -Call Me Karizma
First of all, Call Me Karizma is one of my favorite artists and his music always puts me in a mood. At first, I listened to this song when I couldn't get one person off my mind and now I listen to this song when I think of a couple of people who decided they didn't want to stay in my life. Half of me says it's their faults and it is their fault for walking out of my life but at the same time it hurt. I remember crying to my sisters because my best friend choose his girlfriend over being friends with me. That hurt like hell especially after developing feelings and having that person tell you that they want you and then go around and choose someone else.
2017
There's a million things I could say. I've fallen in love and fallen apart. I am slowly putting myself back together. My life could've been so different if I just didn't make stupid decisions. Am I punishing myself for what happened? All the time. 2017 has been the worst of my life. I am constantly reminded of everything and I realize one day things will be good.
Until then, I keep moving on. Here's to hopefully a better 2018.
Spotify came out with a playlist of songs that basically defined 2017. In my opinion, it is post breakup/post hospitalization.
I'm gonna post at least 5-10 of my absolute favorite and explain how they pertain to this year.
Mr. Brightside- The Killers
Mr. Brightside is one of those songs that you find yourself dancing to after a long day. I think I was shown this song by my ex and for the longest time I couldn't listen to it. It made me sad listening to it. Then one day I found myself singing and almost crying because the song no longer had a negative connotation to it.
F U Till I F U -Call Me Karizma
I found myself spending days crying to this song. This song is one of my all time favorites. I mean you would think since I have the lyrics, "I'm gonna love you forever that's just my curse it's whatever." tattooed. I related this to my failed engagement more than anything. I still find myself loving my ex. He put me through so much stuff this year that I had to relearn who I was and how to start over after something new. It hurt like hell. He hated me at the time and sometimes I thought he was the only person I thought I could turn to.
The Scientist - Coldplay
It wasn't good enough I figured out. "Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard. Oh take me back to the start." I cried even more. I wanted all of it back. I told people to hang on to the love they had because I was stupid enough to ruin it. That was my biggest regret. I wanted him back more than anything. I sent him message after message. I begged and pleaded for just one more chance. I remember being in the hospital and getting off the phone and crying. Crying till my head hurt and my friends holding me because I was sobbing against a wall. I remember praying to God that I would one day get it back but I never will.
Swim- Jack's Mannequin
2017 has been more than heartbreak. I wanted to die. I told my parents straight up that I wanted to end it all.This year I ended up in the mental hospital twice. One in Mansfield and the other in Marion. It was like I got another chance to live. Without the help especially the second time around, I may not have been alive to tell my story. It wasn't until I saw on twiter that a mutual friend was listening to this band. I played this song and yes I broke out in tears. I realized that this song was my anthem to keep going.
Boys Like You- Anna Clendening
This song is my anthem now when it comes to relationships. I have dated my fair share of people this year. Two of them have really made me evaluate myself and how I trust. They both have made me very skeptical of getting hurt. Very commitment phobic now. They made me both believe that I could get it right this time and with them I didn't. They both ended up hurting me. I thought they were both different and it sucked.
Stay Together- Noah Cyrus
I love Noah Cyrus. I became a huge fan of hers after Made Me Cry and Stay Together. Everytime I listened to Stay Together I had this feeling that I was on top of the world. I could do whatever. I felt like I was kinda invincible and that rocked. I did some stupid stuff while listening to this song. But feeling a little bit on top of the world and smiling and laughing made up for whatever I did.
Black & Blue -Call Me Karizma
First of all, Call Me Karizma is one of my favorite artists and his music always puts me in a mood. At first, I listened to this song when I couldn't get one person off my mind and now I listen to this song when I think of a couple of people who decided they didn't want to stay in my life. Half of me says it's their faults and it is their fault for walking out of my life but at the same time it hurt. I remember crying to my sisters because my best friend choose his girlfriend over being friends with me. That hurt like hell especially after developing feelings and having that person tell you that they want you and then go around and choose someone else.
2017
There's a million things I could say. I've fallen in love and fallen apart. I am slowly putting myself back together. My life could've been so different if I just didn't make stupid decisions. Am I punishing myself for what happened? All the time. 2017 has been the worst of my life. I am constantly reminded of everything and I realize one day things will be good.
Until then, I keep moving on. Here's to hopefully a better 2018.
Sunday, December 3, 2017
My Sexuality and Why it Doesn't Matter
Because my sexuality is a huge issue apparently I am gonna set the record straight!
Now before you think that oh she is just curious, I have never kissed a girl or gone on a date yet but I have had feelings for girls. I look at girls way differently now.
That is just who I am.
Someone asked me why I didn't keep it private. I have nothing to be ashamed of. That same person told me that I should've kept it quiet because I've post it a lot about it on twitter.
I feel like my sexuality shouldn't matter. I actually had this discussion from my cool friend Sean(dont hate me for including you in my post.). He read my tweets and he asked me straight up and I told him the truth and he was like well that's cool. He didn't judge or make a big deal about it. Thank you Sean!
I don't care. If my dad's ex girlfriends daughter wants to tell people go for it. If my ex boyfriend never wants to talk to me again after this blog post go for it.
Realizing that i am bisexual has made me a lot happier. I feel like I know myself just a little bit better after realizing it. Life hasn't changed a bunch and dating is still hard. I also still suck at dating but ya know life is life.
psa: I will probably blogging in December because I have a huge mouth and no one can keep me away from blogging
-Kyrsten
I have always been into guys. It has always been really passionate. Heck I was even engaged.
Dating for me lately has sucked. Like majorly. It has ether been guys have blown me off or just treated me like complete crap. I use the dating app Tinder to meet people in Ohio and here in Vermont.
I have a lot of friends who are in the LGBTQ community and I support them 1000% percent. Some of them are my closest friends.
Well one day, I was super curious about going on dates with girls. Im a huge flirt and so I was like why not? So I changed my tinder settings so guys and girls and didn't look back.
Now before you think that oh she is just curious, I have never kissed a girl or gone on a date yet but I have had feelings for girls. I look at girls way differently now.
That is just who I am.
Someone asked me why I didn't keep it private. I have nothing to be ashamed of. That same person told me that I should've kept it quiet because I've post it a lot about it on twitter.
I feel like my sexuality shouldn't matter. I actually had this discussion from my cool friend Sean(dont hate me for including you in my post.). He read my tweets and he asked me straight up and I told him the truth and he was like well that's cool. He didn't judge or make a big deal about it. Thank you Sean!
I don't care. If my dad's ex girlfriends daughter wants to tell people go for it. If my ex boyfriend never wants to talk to me again after this blog post go for it.
Realizing that i am bisexual has made me a lot happier. I feel like I know myself just a little bit better after realizing it. Life hasn't changed a bunch and dating is still hard. I also still suck at dating but ya know life is life.
psa: I will probably blogging in December because I have a huge mouth and no one can keep me away from blogging
-Kyrsten
Thursday, November 30, 2017
Stone Cold
Hello from Montpelier, Vermont!
On this last day of November, I try to think of everything that has gone on lately.
Life has honestly been hell. I am not gonna sugar coat it. Between work, my mental health acting up, and other stuff going on I am exhausted. I am here in Vermont to work and get my shit together and honestly I feel like I am in treatment but I am not and my dads here.
I got clearance from my doctors to come to Vermont and I feel the pressure on me to stay happy and healthy. SO MUCH PRESSURE. I've decided to take a blogging break in December to focus on myself and to work.
This year has been freaken insane. From being engaged to being in treatment not once but twice to being raped to moving all over it seems like to starting over with some of my relationships life has been insane. In all honestly, I would've been married if it wasn't for the stupid mistakes I have made.
I haven't really forgave myself for some of the mistakes I have made. I still beat myself up over it. Falling in love was one of my favorite things that has happened in the last two years and the fact that I severely screwed up is something I may never forget. I checked my timehop today and saw a thing I tweeted that said, "Forever changed by you." I never resonated with something so close. I had to learn how to be myself again because I lost myself falling in love. I didn't know who I was without him and I had to find that.
Finding that was hard. I spent many nights crying. I spent nights begging for him back. I thought maybe if I got him back everything would make sense. That wasn't in the cards. We both changed in ways I thought was impossible but it happened. I remember one night walking across town to his apartment complex and telling myself that I needed him.
Losing two best friends in one year is fucking painful. Losing the person I thought I was gonna spend forever with and someone who knew everything about me was another thing that broke me this year. I went from having someone that said no matter what he would be there to ignoring all my messages and not even being able to look me in the eye when they see me is rough. It makes me wonder why God puts me through these things. What did I do to deserve this? Is it because I felt human? Is it because I always believe in things too easily? I still haven't figured out the answers to that.
Being in Vermont reminds me a lot of Idaho. It only reminds me of Idaho because they both have mountains. I have already fallen in love with the mountains and I know saying goodbye to these mountains is going to be rough. Mountains to me feel like home. They to me make me realize that God has made something so beautiful and I feel amazed that I get to wake up to them outside my door.
This year hasn't been all bad. If anyone knows me, I am a pop punk princess or so I claim. Music has saved my life when all I wanted to do is die. I started playing the Ukulele and I love it. I feel most home at concerts. I've been to a handful of them this year and I've met some of the people who made my life bearable. Being at a concert and singing my heart out is one of my favorite things.
This my life. It is simple and complicated. Right now, I am figuring myself out again and figuring out who I am without certain people. It is so hard but it is life. I feel as though maybe someday things will work out in my favor.
On this last day of November, I try to think of everything that has gone on lately.
Life has honestly been hell. I am not gonna sugar coat it. Between work, my mental health acting up, and other stuff going on I am exhausted. I am here in Vermont to work and get my shit together and honestly I feel like I am in treatment but I am not and my dads here.
I got clearance from my doctors to come to Vermont and I feel the pressure on me to stay happy and healthy. SO MUCH PRESSURE. I've decided to take a blogging break in December to focus on myself and to work.
This year has been freaken insane. From being engaged to being in treatment not once but twice to being raped to moving all over it seems like to starting over with some of my relationships life has been insane. In all honestly, I would've been married if it wasn't for the stupid mistakes I have made.
I haven't really forgave myself for some of the mistakes I have made. I still beat myself up over it. Falling in love was one of my favorite things that has happened in the last two years and the fact that I severely screwed up is something I may never forget. I checked my timehop today and saw a thing I tweeted that said, "Forever changed by you." I never resonated with something so close. I had to learn how to be myself again because I lost myself falling in love. I didn't know who I was without him and I had to find that.
Finding that was hard. I spent many nights crying. I spent nights begging for him back. I thought maybe if I got him back everything would make sense. That wasn't in the cards. We both changed in ways I thought was impossible but it happened. I remember one night walking across town to his apartment complex and telling myself that I needed him.
Losing two best friends in one year is fucking painful. Losing the person I thought I was gonna spend forever with and someone who knew everything about me was another thing that broke me this year. I went from having someone that said no matter what he would be there to ignoring all my messages and not even being able to look me in the eye when they see me is rough. It makes me wonder why God puts me through these things. What did I do to deserve this? Is it because I felt human? Is it because I always believe in things too easily? I still haven't figured out the answers to that.
Being in Vermont reminds me a lot of Idaho. It only reminds me of Idaho because they both have mountains. I have already fallen in love with the mountains and I know saying goodbye to these mountains is going to be rough. Mountains to me feel like home. They to me make me realize that God has made something so beautiful and I feel amazed that I get to wake up to them outside my door.
This year hasn't been all bad. If anyone knows me, I am a pop punk princess or so I claim. Music has saved my life when all I wanted to do is die. I started playing the Ukulele and I love it. I feel most home at concerts. I've been to a handful of them this year and I've met some of the people who made my life bearable. Being at a concert and singing my heart out is one of my favorite things.
This my life. It is simple and complicated. Right now, I am figuring myself out again and figuring out who I am without certain people. It is so hard but it is life. I feel as though maybe someday things will work out in my favor.
Monday, November 6, 2017
Life being Bipolar
Being bipolar is the most exhausting health conditions I have probably ever faced.
Constant mood swings and emotional break downs. No thanks.
Life is life though. I have actually am learning how to deal with it.
My life isn't easy. I wake up and take my meds. Then i sluggishly get ready for work. Will it be a good day or a bad day? Who knows?
I get to work very anxious. Every single day. I hope it is a good day but I do try to prepare myself for the worse.
Eight hours on my feet is exhausting. I come home happy that I don't work my second job but ready to lay in bed. It is a Monday so I wait to talk to my lds missionary friends. I get excited when they email and then I feel the little high of happiness fade.
My mind is all over the place. I suddenly get sad when I think about the past.
Backup. I am not gonna sit here and fill you in on the daily minds of me being bipolar.
It's real and it sucks. Somedays it sucks the life out of me.
It's ruined relationships and potential relationships. I overthink and make irrational decisions sometimes that cost me what I wanted the most.
Sometimes I wonder what life would be like without bipolar disorder but then I think about it and realize that I wouldn't be who I am without bipolar disorder. I have this mental disorder, it is apart of me.
It is a constant struggle and sometimes I don't win but other days I am laughing and smiling and it is like nothing is wrong.
It is something that will forever be with me.
I am not ashamed. I talk about my mental health to share my experiences and to shed some light about how mental health should be more talked about.
My life is forever changed and yeah somedays suck and somedays are the best. I wouldn't be alive without modern medicine but it is what it is.
Constant mood swings and emotional break downs. No thanks.
Life is life though. I have actually am learning how to deal with it.
My life isn't easy. I wake up and take my meds. Then i sluggishly get ready for work. Will it be a good day or a bad day? Who knows?
I get to work very anxious. Every single day. I hope it is a good day but I do try to prepare myself for the worse.
Eight hours on my feet is exhausting. I come home happy that I don't work my second job but ready to lay in bed. It is a Monday so I wait to talk to my lds missionary friends. I get excited when they email and then I feel the little high of happiness fade.
My mind is all over the place. I suddenly get sad when I think about the past.
Backup. I am not gonna sit here and fill you in on the daily minds of me being bipolar.
It's real and it sucks. Somedays it sucks the life out of me.
It's ruined relationships and potential relationships. I overthink and make irrational decisions sometimes that cost me what I wanted the most.
Sometimes I wonder what life would be like without bipolar disorder but then I think about it and realize that I wouldn't be who I am without bipolar disorder. I have this mental disorder, it is apart of me.
It is a constant struggle and sometimes I don't win but other days I am laughing and smiling and it is like nothing is wrong.
It is something that will forever be with me.
I am not ashamed. I talk about my mental health to share my experiences and to shed some light about how mental health should be more talked about.
My life is forever changed and yeah somedays suck and somedays are the best. I wouldn't be alive without modern medicine but it is what it is.
Friday, October 20, 2017
Meaning Behind Tattoo Number Two
"I'm gonna love you forever that's just my curse it's whatever."
Those lyrics are tattooed on my right forearm. They are song lyrics from the song, "F U Till I F U" by Call Me Karizma
People think that is because of my ex fiance. People who don't know me assume it is because of a broken relationship. I am not gonna sit here and lie when I say I don't think of my ex or because of another broken relationship.
I've loved a handful of people in my life. A few I dated and a few not. Those people I do think of every once in awhile. When I love someone, I love them hard. There is always tears shed or just something.
It is a curse. Cue my point. I heard this song and it spoke to me. It made me think of all the people I have ever loved in my life. I thought that I would always love them a little bit. It's whatever. That is the reason why I got that tattoo. I got it for every person in my life that I spent loving them no mater how much I did.
Now lets talk about the elephant in the room that everyone thinks it is about.
I fell in love when I was nineteen years old. I just had gotten out of a controlling relationship and I was hanging out with this guy from work. We started seeing each other and things were great. He knew everything about me and I knew everything about him. My family loved him and his family loved me(I hope)
We talked about a future and I could see a future with him. He proposed and I said yes. I screwed it up. I did somethings that will haunt me for the rest of my life. We tried to work things out and it ended up not working out.
It broke my heart. I will never forget moving out and crying my eyes out.
It still breaks my heart but from what I have learned you can't force someone to love you. You can't force them to come back to you no matter what. Love is complicated and scary and crazy.
I love that blue eyed boy still and everyone knows it. You can't just forget eleven months just magically. But he is not the reason for my tattoo. I got my tattoo for everyone who has a little piece of my heart.
I have meaning and reasoning for my tattoos. I look at them every single day and reflect on it.
Those lyrics are tattooed on my right forearm. They are song lyrics from the song, "F U Till I F U" by Call Me Karizma
People think that is because of my ex fiance. People who don't know me assume it is because of a broken relationship. I am not gonna sit here and lie when I say I don't think of my ex or because of another broken relationship.
I've loved a handful of people in my life. A few I dated and a few not. Those people I do think of every once in awhile. When I love someone, I love them hard. There is always tears shed or just something.
It is a curse. Cue my point. I heard this song and it spoke to me. It made me think of all the people I have ever loved in my life. I thought that I would always love them a little bit. It's whatever. That is the reason why I got that tattoo. I got it for every person in my life that I spent loving them no mater how much I did.
Now lets talk about the elephant in the room that everyone thinks it is about.
I fell in love when I was nineteen years old. I just had gotten out of a controlling relationship and I was hanging out with this guy from work. We started seeing each other and things were great. He knew everything about me and I knew everything about him. My family loved him and his family loved me(I hope)
We talked about a future and I could see a future with him. He proposed and I said yes. I screwed it up. I did somethings that will haunt me for the rest of my life. We tried to work things out and it ended up not working out.
It broke my heart. I will never forget moving out and crying my eyes out.
It still breaks my heart but from what I have learned you can't force someone to love you. You can't force them to come back to you no matter what. Love is complicated and scary and crazy.
I love that blue eyed boy still and everyone knows it. You can't just forget eleven months just magically. But he is not the reason for my tattoo. I got my tattoo for everyone who has a little piece of my heart.
I have meaning and reasoning for my tattoos. I look at them every single day and reflect on it.
Tuesday, October 17, 2017
Me Too
May 18th.
I wanted to share my story because it still hurts but I want people to know that they are not alone in their struggles.
I was casually seeing this guy.
I remember we got into an argument about something and he started drinking. I told him to stop drinking and just come over. He came over roughly an hour later. We sat on my bed and I could smell the alcohol.
I told him when he came over that we were not going to mess around like he wanted. So instead we ordered some food and watched some tv. After we ate, we started kissing and all of a sudden some of my clothes were off.
I was in so much shock that I didn't say no. I thought that when I told him no when he walked in that it would be enough. It should've been enough. Afterwards, he fell asleep.
I went to the bathroom and cried. I realized that what had happened was something I didn't want. I remember texting my best friend at the time and telling him that I thought I was sexuality assaulted and I cried even more. Telling him hurt so bad.
The next day I woke up him and he left and it really sunk in. I was in so much pain that I went to urgent care and they told me that my cervix was severely bruised. They gave me medicine and that was that.
That Saturday I was still in severe pain and so I went to the ER after painfully telling my dad the day before I got raped. I remember going to his house and before actually going we drove to the park. I told him not to freak out and I said the words for the first time, "I was raped."
I will never ever forget that ER visit. They did an STD panel to make sure that I was okay. I told them it was just rough sex and that I was just in pain. Of course, they probably figured what had happened but I didn't want to tell them I got raped. At the time, I just wanted him gone and I didn't want to press charges.
They gave me this shot. The needle itself did not hurt but it was the medicine going into my leg that made me cry for fifteen minutes because I was in so much pain in my leg. I remember the panic attack I had because of the pain and the nurse who aftewards asked me if I was the one who she heard crying.
I confronted him about it. He claims to this day that because I didn't say no during it that it wasn't rape.
I was speechless. Who gave you the right to strip someone without consent?
Being a Mormon and being sexuality assaulted is not easy. It is actually one of the hardest things ever. People questioned if it was actually rape or if it was just an excuse to cover up the fact that I had sex. That has made me really question my faith and how I feel about the Church not even going to lie. It made me doubt the fact that God was even looking out for me. I have had members tell me that I wasn't worth it in God's eyes because I wasn't chaste. It wasn't my decision. It wasn't my choice and to this day I get judged for not being the Mormon girl in their eyes.
Why judge someone for something that is out of their control?
For the longest time, I couldn't be in my mom's apartment after I moved out. Being there just sent me back to flashbacks and terrible times. My mom ended up buying the futon that I couldn't go near without almost breaking down because it hurt. It hurt because that futon was something I bought for myself and instead I was taken advantage.
May 18th will forever haunt me.
My story is for those who had similar experiences. My story is for the regret of the charges I didn't file. I knew it was going to be a he said she said case but I still for the sake of me should've. My story is for the people who are not ready to share if ever. You are not alone. You are never alone. Don't ever forget that.
Me too.
I wanted to share my story because it still hurts but I want people to know that they are not alone in their struggles.
I was casually seeing this guy.
I remember we got into an argument about something and he started drinking. I told him to stop drinking and just come over. He came over roughly an hour later. We sat on my bed and I could smell the alcohol.
I told him when he came over that we were not going to mess around like he wanted. So instead we ordered some food and watched some tv. After we ate, we started kissing and all of a sudden some of my clothes were off.
I was in so much shock that I didn't say no. I thought that when I told him no when he walked in that it would be enough. It should've been enough. Afterwards, he fell asleep.
I went to the bathroom and cried. I realized that what had happened was something I didn't want. I remember texting my best friend at the time and telling him that I thought I was sexuality assaulted and I cried even more. Telling him hurt so bad.
The next day I woke up him and he left and it really sunk in. I was in so much pain that I went to urgent care and they told me that my cervix was severely bruised. They gave me medicine and that was that.
That Saturday I was still in severe pain and so I went to the ER after painfully telling my dad the day before I got raped. I remember going to his house and before actually going we drove to the park. I told him not to freak out and I said the words for the first time, "I was raped."
I will never ever forget that ER visit. They did an STD panel to make sure that I was okay. I told them it was just rough sex and that I was just in pain. Of course, they probably figured what had happened but I didn't want to tell them I got raped. At the time, I just wanted him gone and I didn't want to press charges.
They gave me this shot. The needle itself did not hurt but it was the medicine going into my leg that made me cry for fifteen minutes because I was in so much pain in my leg. I remember the panic attack I had because of the pain and the nurse who aftewards asked me if I was the one who she heard crying.
I confronted him about it. He claims to this day that because I didn't say no during it that it wasn't rape.
I was speechless. Who gave you the right to strip someone without consent?
Being a Mormon and being sexuality assaulted is not easy. It is actually one of the hardest things ever. People questioned if it was actually rape or if it was just an excuse to cover up the fact that I had sex. That has made me really question my faith and how I feel about the Church not even going to lie. It made me doubt the fact that God was even looking out for me. I have had members tell me that I wasn't worth it in God's eyes because I wasn't chaste. It wasn't my decision. It wasn't my choice and to this day I get judged for not being the Mormon girl in their eyes.
Why judge someone for something that is out of their control?
For the longest time, I couldn't be in my mom's apartment after I moved out. Being there just sent me back to flashbacks and terrible times. My mom ended up buying the futon that I couldn't go near without almost breaking down because it hurt. It hurt because that futon was something I bought for myself and instead I was taken advantage.
May 18th will forever haunt me.
My story is for those who had similar experiences. My story is for the regret of the charges I didn't file. I knew it was going to be a he said she said case but I still for the sake of me should've. My story is for the people who are not ready to share if ever. You are not alone. You are never alone. Don't ever forget that.
Me too.
Monday, October 9, 2017
To The Blue Eyed Boy
I have been torn apart.
I have spent nights crying my eyes out just wishing you would call me or text me. I finally learned that I can't continue to wait.
I am not the person who fell head over heels for you over a year ago. I am not the girl who waited for every move and put so many things aside for the guy she loved. I remember you telling me that I wasn't the girl you fell in love with and that you missed her.
So what did I do? I tried to be her. I lost myself again and told myself if I became her then I would get you back. That was stupid. So freaken stupid. I wanted to do everything that you wanted so I could have you back.
Why?
I can't change the past and in ways I feel like you want me to magically change the past. You want to play the victim card here and I can't accept. I can say that I know what I did. I know that it hurt but you hurt me.
I lost my best friend. I was told my best friend wasn't going anywhere and he disappeared. He turned into this person who smokes weed and expects way too much out of people. He turned into a person with a chip on his shoulder. I felt bullied into a situation where I was supposed to change so fast.
You hurt me too and I don't think you realize that. "She's prettier than you. She's better than you." "You aren't the same person you were before. I don't miss you."
Words hurt like a knife.
I can't change the past. I feel like you think I have lived this perfect life since you left and my life has been nothing but easy since you have been gone. I remember May 18th all too well. I can't look at a motorcycle the same ever again. My parents got a divorce and I had to be the rock for my siblings.
I've been to treatment twice where both times I was promised I'd have my best friend waiting on the otherside. Both times, that same boy hurt me and he doesn't realize the damage.
You have given me false hope for the happily ever after that is never gonna happen.
"You piss me off. This is why we can't be friends."
I asked if you were okay one day and you yelled at me for not saying hi first.
What happened to the boy with the huge grin and the smile that lit up a room? It is filled with anger and a tone that kills me inside. I can't do the emotional abuse. I can't feel like I am trying when in return I am getting a brick wall that just gives me a longer list of things to do to climb over.
I'm done.
I can't sit here anymore and wish for the blue eyed boy to come back to me. I may not be the girl you fell in love with. That girl went through hell and back with you and you left her there to sink. Your expectations drowned me. I couldn't get back on my own two feet cause everytime I would make a little bit of progress, it wouldn't be good enough. Why wasn't I good enough for you?
She needed someone who help her get back to the top and she wanted you but you never reached out.
The last year of my life was the worst and the best in so many ways and I won't regret it but I won't ever look back again hoping and praying that I'll get that other chance.
From,
The girl who tried.
I have spent nights crying my eyes out just wishing you would call me or text me. I finally learned that I can't continue to wait.
I am not the person who fell head over heels for you over a year ago. I am not the girl who waited for every move and put so many things aside for the guy she loved. I remember you telling me that I wasn't the girl you fell in love with and that you missed her.
So what did I do? I tried to be her. I lost myself again and told myself if I became her then I would get you back. That was stupid. So freaken stupid. I wanted to do everything that you wanted so I could have you back.
Why?
I can't change the past and in ways I feel like you want me to magically change the past. You want to play the victim card here and I can't accept. I can say that I know what I did. I know that it hurt but you hurt me.
I lost my best friend. I was told my best friend wasn't going anywhere and he disappeared. He turned into this person who smokes weed and expects way too much out of people. He turned into a person with a chip on his shoulder. I felt bullied into a situation where I was supposed to change so fast.
You hurt me too and I don't think you realize that. "She's prettier than you. She's better than you." "You aren't the same person you were before. I don't miss you."
Words hurt like a knife.
I can't change the past. I feel like you think I have lived this perfect life since you left and my life has been nothing but easy since you have been gone. I remember May 18th all too well. I can't look at a motorcycle the same ever again. My parents got a divorce and I had to be the rock for my siblings.
I've been to treatment twice where both times I was promised I'd have my best friend waiting on the otherside. Both times, that same boy hurt me and he doesn't realize the damage.
You have given me false hope for the happily ever after that is never gonna happen.
"You piss me off. This is why we can't be friends."
I asked if you were okay one day and you yelled at me for not saying hi first.
What happened to the boy with the huge grin and the smile that lit up a room? It is filled with anger and a tone that kills me inside. I can't do the emotional abuse. I can't feel like I am trying when in return I am getting a brick wall that just gives me a longer list of things to do to climb over.
I'm done.
I can't sit here anymore and wish for the blue eyed boy to come back to me. I may not be the girl you fell in love with. That girl went through hell and back with you and you left her there to sink. Your expectations drowned me. I couldn't get back on my own two feet cause everytime I would make a little bit of progress, it wouldn't be good enough. Why wasn't I good enough for you?
She needed someone who help her get back to the top and she wanted you but you never reached out.
The last year of my life was the worst and the best in so many ways and I won't regret it but I won't ever look back again hoping and praying that I'll get that other chance.
From,
The girl who tried.
Tuesday, October 3, 2017
Being The Tattooed Mormon
I LOVE tattoos.
I currently have two of them. I have one on my left wrist of a semi colon butterfly named Finley and I have the song lyrics from a song that saved my life on my right forearm. The lyrics are, "I'm gonna love you forever that's just my curse it's just whatever."
Ever since I got that second tattoo, I have been planning more. I get starred at because people think, "She has tattoo's and she is Mormon?" Not everyone agrees that I should be getting tattoos. I had a guy who I was dating at the time beg me as long as we were together not to get a tattoo. Yes, he is a Mormon. And he is currently married so there's that.
Every tattoo for me has a reason and a story. My butterfly named Finley came after I met my ex fiance's cousins daughter and I fell in love. I hung out with this little girl at a time where I wanted to die and end everything and she gave me the motivation to live. I always look at that tattoo and find some little reason to live. I have to keep beating.
My second tattoo came thanks to an artist named Call Me Karizma. Those lyrics remind me of the people who I so will never forget and I am always gonna have a special place for them in my heart. Recently that song hit way too close to home with an ending of a relationship but hey life happens.
I want people to realize that I respect my body even though I get tattoos and I absolutely love them. I believe in the Gospel. I know for a fact that it is true. I got a blessing in the hospital and I was reminded of the love that Jesus has for me. I am reminded when I get to talk to my best friends weekly as they are serving the Lord.
I especially have faith in this gospel because I thought my best friend was dead. There was a severe earthquake in Mexico City. That is where my best friend is serving and I hadn't heard anything for two days about any of the missionaries. I ended up reading a statement that they were safe. My best friend also got special permission to email saying he was safe. I read that email after I was home from treatment but I knew before that he was safe. I had a feeling that my best friend was safe and sound and so was his companion. I had that safe feeling.
I strive to be different. That is just who I am. I am gonna be the Tattooed Mormon and if anyone has a problem, they can come to be about it. I know Heavenly Father still loves me and I am a Child of God.
I may struggle with the gospel sometimes but in the end it is sometimes all I got and I am so thankful for it.
-Kyrsten
I currently have two of them. I have one on my left wrist of a semi colon butterfly named Finley and I have the song lyrics from a song that saved my life on my right forearm. The lyrics are, "I'm gonna love you forever that's just my curse it's just whatever."
Ever since I got that second tattoo, I have been planning more. I get starred at because people think, "She has tattoo's and she is Mormon?" Not everyone agrees that I should be getting tattoos. I had a guy who I was dating at the time beg me as long as we were together not to get a tattoo. Yes, he is a Mormon. And he is currently married so there's that.
Every tattoo for me has a reason and a story. My butterfly named Finley came after I met my ex fiance's cousins daughter and I fell in love. I hung out with this little girl at a time where I wanted to die and end everything and she gave me the motivation to live. I always look at that tattoo and find some little reason to live. I have to keep beating.
My second tattoo came thanks to an artist named Call Me Karizma. Those lyrics remind me of the people who I so will never forget and I am always gonna have a special place for them in my heart. Recently that song hit way too close to home with an ending of a relationship but hey life happens.
I want people to realize that I respect my body even though I get tattoos and I absolutely love them. I believe in the Gospel. I know for a fact that it is true. I got a blessing in the hospital and I was reminded of the love that Jesus has for me. I am reminded when I get to talk to my best friends weekly as they are serving the Lord.
I especially have faith in this gospel because I thought my best friend was dead. There was a severe earthquake in Mexico City. That is where my best friend is serving and I hadn't heard anything for two days about any of the missionaries. I ended up reading a statement that they were safe. My best friend also got special permission to email saying he was safe. I read that email after I was home from treatment but I knew before that he was safe. I had a feeling that my best friend was safe and sound and so was his companion. I had that safe feeling.
I strive to be different. That is just who I am. I am gonna be the Tattooed Mormon and if anyone has a problem, they can come to be about it. I know Heavenly Father still loves me and I am a Child of God.
I may struggle with the gospel sometimes but in the end it is sometimes all I got and I am so thankful for it.
-Kyrsten
Saturday, September 30, 2017
Mount Vernon to Mansfield to Marion
Wow oh wow it has been one heck of a week or so.
So I guess I should start with an explanation of my title. I ended up spending six days in the Behavioral Health Unit in Marion General Hospital. You guessed it back at the psych ward. My dad drove from Mount Vernon to Mansfield where my psychologist actually works through and my dad wanted to me to be in Mansfield but Marion was the only place in the state with a bed. Funny right? I was in a city I never knew with people at the time who I didn't want anything to do with.
This time was so different. Who knew it would change my life?
I actually ended up making a lot of friends in the little unit at Marion. I am so grateful for the friendships and the support system that I have made. Without the friends I have made, I don't think I would be able to say that I survived throughout the entire ideal.
I made a really good friend who I am not gonna mention his name but I don't think I would've survived the first couple of days. I got there at like three something in the morning and getting barley any sleep leads to a very awkward morning.
I sat there in my first group watching everyone trying to get used to my new surroundings. Then I had someone talk to me and ask me how old I was and the typical questions. By the end of the day, I had a group of friends who I hung out with everyday until I left Thursday morning.
I felt every emotion that I am pretty sure that I had built up for the last two months. I was there because I wanted to die and I had said it and I was very very manic. The emotions I felt in the BHU hurt so bad. I cried a couple of times and I was angry and I was happy. You are probably super confused on why all of those emotions hurt. I felt them for the first time in so long instead of just bottling them up.
I went to all my groups and made some of the best friends that I could've made. Yes I was around people my own age and who understood what I was going through. It made me feel like I had a support system on the top of the nurses and doctors and the family I had at home.
I made two really best friends who I am gonna talk about on my blog because I can. I made best friends with this girl(yes it was a girl) S, we will call her S and we were attached at the hip basically during her stay there. We had inside jokes and laughed harder than I had laughed in months. When she left I honestly felt like the other half of me was missing.
My other best friend was named J. He is a special one. He taught me how to focus on myself when I was in treatment. I don't think I would've known how to open up as much as I did if I hadn't met him the morning I was in there. He was the first person I met and he made sure I stayed sane. He saw me cry at my worst moments and laughed at me at the best. Including when I beat him at bingo a couple of times.
You never forget the people who touched your heart. I met a nurse who had the same taste of music as me and let me tell you nothing makes you bond with people over music. I actually got to listen to music when I was in treatment and it helped so much I feel it. That nurse also made me realize that it is time to go back to school and instead of going to school for psychology, I would love to tell you all(if you are still reading this by now) that as of now I am going to go to school starting with the BYUI pathway program in January for Social Work.
The reason why I decided to go into social work is because of my social worker in Marion. He wasn't the visit you once and come up with a plan and leave. He listened to my ideas and he worked with my doctor and my nurses for an actual plan of how to get me healthy enough to leave treatment. He is gonna be nameless but I know for a fact he inspired me to work with adults/teens/whoever in a Behavioral Health Unit somewhere.
I am currently home as of Thursday morning and I am not gonna lie when I say that adjustment back home is super hard. It isn't just getting your stuff back, it is taking the things you learned in treatment and applying them into the real world. I find myself less angry at the little things. I do find myself kinda scared to get into certain situations but I am taking things slow.
While I have everyones attention maybe still, I have decided to not seriously date anyone for a couple of months. I am probably gonna go on dates to get the experience because I need it but I can't handle something serious right now. I am still focusing on getting healthy and saving up money to go back to school and drive.
Life is gonna be different or I am gonna work my butt off trying.
Treatment taught me how to find my old self when I was sad and wanted to end everything. Be thankful for everything you have because it might be taken away from you in a second.
So I guess I should start with an explanation of my title. I ended up spending six days in the Behavioral Health Unit in Marion General Hospital. You guessed it back at the psych ward. My dad drove from Mount Vernon to Mansfield where my psychologist actually works through and my dad wanted to me to be in Mansfield but Marion was the only place in the state with a bed. Funny right? I was in a city I never knew with people at the time who I didn't want anything to do with.
This time was so different. Who knew it would change my life?
I actually ended up making a lot of friends in the little unit at Marion. I am so grateful for the friendships and the support system that I have made. Without the friends I have made, I don't think I would be able to say that I survived throughout the entire ideal.
I made a really good friend who I am not gonna mention his name but I don't think I would've survived the first couple of days. I got there at like three something in the morning and getting barley any sleep leads to a very awkward morning.
I sat there in my first group watching everyone trying to get used to my new surroundings. Then I had someone talk to me and ask me how old I was and the typical questions. By the end of the day, I had a group of friends who I hung out with everyday until I left Thursday morning.
I felt every emotion that I am pretty sure that I had built up for the last two months. I was there because I wanted to die and I had said it and I was very very manic. The emotions I felt in the BHU hurt so bad. I cried a couple of times and I was angry and I was happy. You are probably super confused on why all of those emotions hurt. I felt them for the first time in so long instead of just bottling them up.
I went to all my groups and made some of the best friends that I could've made. Yes I was around people my own age and who understood what I was going through. It made me feel like I had a support system on the top of the nurses and doctors and the family I had at home.
I made two really best friends who I am gonna talk about on my blog because I can. I made best friends with this girl(yes it was a girl) S, we will call her S and we were attached at the hip basically during her stay there. We had inside jokes and laughed harder than I had laughed in months. When she left I honestly felt like the other half of me was missing.
My other best friend was named J. He is a special one. He taught me how to focus on myself when I was in treatment. I don't think I would've known how to open up as much as I did if I hadn't met him the morning I was in there. He was the first person I met and he made sure I stayed sane. He saw me cry at my worst moments and laughed at me at the best. Including when I beat him at bingo a couple of times.
You never forget the people who touched your heart. I met a nurse who had the same taste of music as me and let me tell you nothing makes you bond with people over music. I actually got to listen to music when I was in treatment and it helped so much I feel it. That nurse also made me realize that it is time to go back to school and instead of going to school for psychology, I would love to tell you all(if you are still reading this by now) that as of now I am going to go to school starting with the BYUI pathway program in January for Social Work.
The reason why I decided to go into social work is because of my social worker in Marion. He wasn't the visit you once and come up with a plan and leave. He listened to my ideas and he worked with my doctor and my nurses for an actual plan of how to get me healthy enough to leave treatment. He is gonna be nameless but I know for a fact he inspired me to work with adults/teens/whoever in a Behavioral Health Unit somewhere.
I am currently home as of Thursday morning and I am not gonna lie when I say that adjustment back home is super hard. It isn't just getting your stuff back, it is taking the things you learned in treatment and applying them into the real world. I find myself less angry at the little things. I do find myself kinda scared to get into certain situations but I am taking things slow.
While I have everyones attention maybe still, I have decided to not seriously date anyone for a couple of months. I am probably gonna go on dates to get the experience because I need it but I can't handle something serious right now. I am still focusing on getting healthy and saving up money to go back to school and drive.
Life is gonna be different or I am gonna work my butt off trying.
Treatment taught me how to find my old self when I was sad and wanted to end everything. Be thankful for everything you have because it might be taken away from you in a second.
Tuesday, September 19, 2017
Eeyore
I recently got an Eeyore Onesie from Walmart. Actually, I am sitting in my bed wearing it trying to distract myself. (pics on my social media)
Anyways, I sent a picture to one of my friends being like "Am I cute yet?" His response was that Eeyore is sad and depressing.
Then it clicked in my head. Eeyore is me.
Lately, my depression and my anxiety has been through the roof that I am sleeping a lot more and getting super moody and I just don't have the motivation to do anything anymore. I haven't played the ukulele in a super long time and I also haven't written an article in weeks. My depression has been basically sucking my soul out.
Everyone is there for Eeyore. They give him love and support when he is just sad. I didn't realize how much I related to a Disney character in my life. I remember having this stuffed animal of Eeyore and it was one of my favorites.
Eeyore is sad and depression and I am sad and depressed. Life hasn't been the easiest in the last couple of months. Trying to figure out my place in this world while figuring out who I am while trying to keep my mental sanity has been THE hardest thing to do over the last two years.
Do I regret the last two years? Some of it. Do I miss it? I miss people but not some of the stuff I went through.
My depression is a very scary illness. I can be happy about one single thing only to hear something that breaks my heart and I dwell on it the rest of the day. It sucks. It leads to nights being spent in my bed instead of hanging out with friends.
I once have canceled on making plans with friends dozens of times due to "sickness" because I couldn't leave my bed or my house that day. I have purposely not answered phone calls due to the anxiety and the fact that I just don't wanna talk.
Life is so crazy and hard. In a way, we could all learn from Eeyore's example. Reach out to your friends who seem or are actually sad and depressed. Let them know that when they want to talk that you are there for them.
I always find comfort and joy in knowing I have good friends to talk to when I am feeling down.
Eeyore is forever my buddy! Enjoy the pictures of me and a onesie!
-Kyrsten
Anyways, I sent a picture to one of my friends being like "Am I cute yet?" His response was that Eeyore is sad and depressing.
Then it clicked in my head. Eeyore is me.
Lately, my depression and my anxiety has been through the roof that I am sleeping a lot more and getting super moody and I just don't have the motivation to do anything anymore. I haven't played the ukulele in a super long time and I also haven't written an article in weeks. My depression has been basically sucking my soul out.
Everyone is there for Eeyore. They give him love and support when he is just sad. I didn't realize how much I related to a Disney character in my life. I remember having this stuffed animal of Eeyore and it was one of my favorites.
Eeyore is sad and depression and I am sad and depressed. Life hasn't been the easiest in the last couple of months. Trying to figure out my place in this world while figuring out who I am while trying to keep my mental sanity has been THE hardest thing to do over the last two years.
Do I regret the last two years? Some of it. Do I miss it? I miss people but not some of the stuff I went through.
My depression is a very scary illness. I can be happy about one single thing only to hear something that breaks my heart and I dwell on it the rest of the day. It sucks. It leads to nights being spent in my bed instead of hanging out with friends.
I once have canceled on making plans with friends dozens of times due to "sickness" because I couldn't leave my bed or my house that day. I have purposely not answered phone calls due to the anxiety and the fact that I just don't wanna talk.
Life is so crazy and hard. In a way, we could all learn from Eeyore's example. Reach out to your friends who seem or are actually sad and depressed. Let them know that when they want to talk that you are there for them.
I always find comfort and joy in knowing I have good friends to talk to when I am feeling down.
Eeyore is forever my buddy! Enjoy the pictures of me and a onesie!
-Kyrsten
Monday, August 28, 2017
Adjustment
Life has been hard and crazy but I'm here and I have never been so happy to be alive.
I am gonna update ya'll on a bunch of stuff.
As most of you probably heard from anyone close to me or him, I am no longer engaged. That broke off roughly one maybe two months ago. That was a hard pill to swallow. Actually, everything after that was super hard to swallow. After the broken engagement, we tried to repair our relationship and it wasn't healthy anymore. It was constant fighting about jealously and video games that we just decided to end it.
I made some really stupid decisions. Some I wish I could take back but it is what it is.
Anyways, I decided to put my mental health first for the most part. That sank for awhile. I was severely depressed and very anxious that I started having panic attacks. I had an awful panic attack roughly about a week and a half ago where I thought I was going to die. Not fun not at all.
I worked at Walmart for roughly two months or so but my depression took over and I spent many days in my bed ignoring the world which eventually caught up to me in terms of being unemployed.
I spent like two weeks ruining my sleep schedule actually destroying it and becoming more depressed because I had nothing to do. I felt guilt for my job and my relationship. I moved back in with my mom, where I am currently living. He moved on and I admit I did too. But it was always in the back of my mind.
I lost so many friends over that breakup that it really triggered more depression. I missed my friends and I felt as they choose sides and it sucked. I cried and cried and nothing really helped. My doctor changed my meds and we tried this time for a good combination with me going to all my therapies. Which honestly means spending days off being anxious for what whichever doctor has to say.
Finally, this last Friday, I had a meltdown which meant a trip to the ER in Mansfield to see if I needed to be admitted for a week of inpatient treatment. Luckily, after five and a half hours, a severe headache, and a visit from the hospital on call psychiatrist I went home at 1:30 ish.
The discharge nurse explained my chart. Yes, I have an anxiety disorder, yes I have panic attacks, yes I am depressed but one thing I didn't know existed was a disorder called Adjustment Disorder. I have been researching it because i never ever heard of something like that. The definition I found on google is, " a group of symptoms, such as stress, feeling sad or hopeless, and physical symptoms that can occur after you go through a stressful life event. The symptoms occur because you are having a hard time coping." THIS MADE SO MUCH SENSE.
I knew I was having a hard time coping with my broken engagement. Hello I was going to get married. My best friend broke up with me and made me move out our apartment together.
Treatment is basically therapy and just talking about how I feel. Luckily I have a wonderful therapist which honestly not until today I realized she is right about so many things.
I can't control people's actions. Yeah they may do really stupid stuff but I can't do anything about it. I can have a reaction but I can't act upon it if that makes any sense.
I am slowly putting my life back together. I started seeing this guy casually I met off a dating website(THEY ARE NOT ALL BAD) and honestly I can be myself around him. He is pretty special especially because he drives over an hour to see me a couple times a week. Dedication to him. He is great.
I am working on the relationships I have with people. Honestly, it is hard. Rebuilding trust that was lost or just trying to trust in general not the easiest thing in the world but I am working on it.
Life isn't the greatest but it isn't the hardest ether. I am honestly so so grateful for the friends who have stepped up and the friends I have made and my family who has my back.
I promise this won't be the last you hear from me.
I am gonna update ya'll on a bunch of stuff.
As most of you probably heard from anyone close to me or him, I am no longer engaged. That broke off roughly one maybe two months ago. That was a hard pill to swallow. Actually, everything after that was super hard to swallow. After the broken engagement, we tried to repair our relationship and it wasn't healthy anymore. It was constant fighting about jealously and video games that we just decided to end it.
I made some really stupid decisions. Some I wish I could take back but it is what it is.
Anyways, I decided to put my mental health first for the most part. That sank for awhile. I was severely depressed and very anxious that I started having panic attacks. I had an awful panic attack roughly about a week and a half ago where I thought I was going to die. Not fun not at all.
I worked at Walmart for roughly two months or so but my depression took over and I spent many days in my bed ignoring the world which eventually caught up to me in terms of being unemployed.
I spent like two weeks ruining my sleep schedule actually destroying it and becoming more depressed because I had nothing to do. I felt guilt for my job and my relationship. I moved back in with my mom, where I am currently living. He moved on and I admit I did too. But it was always in the back of my mind.
I lost so many friends over that breakup that it really triggered more depression. I missed my friends and I felt as they choose sides and it sucked. I cried and cried and nothing really helped. My doctor changed my meds and we tried this time for a good combination with me going to all my therapies. Which honestly means spending days off being anxious for what whichever doctor has to say.
Finally, this last Friday, I had a meltdown which meant a trip to the ER in Mansfield to see if I needed to be admitted for a week of inpatient treatment. Luckily, after five and a half hours, a severe headache, and a visit from the hospital on call psychiatrist I went home at 1:30 ish.
The discharge nurse explained my chart. Yes, I have an anxiety disorder, yes I have panic attacks, yes I am depressed but one thing I didn't know existed was a disorder called Adjustment Disorder. I have been researching it because i never ever heard of something like that. The definition I found on google is, " a group of symptoms, such as stress, feeling sad or hopeless, and physical symptoms that can occur after you go through a stressful life event. The symptoms occur because you are having a hard time coping." THIS MADE SO MUCH SENSE.
I knew I was having a hard time coping with my broken engagement. Hello I was going to get married. My best friend broke up with me and made me move out our apartment together.
Treatment is basically therapy and just talking about how I feel. Luckily I have a wonderful therapist which honestly not until today I realized she is right about so many things.
I can't control people's actions. Yeah they may do really stupid stuff but I can't do anything about it. I can have a reaction but I can't act upon it if that makes any sense.
I am slowly putting my life back together. I started seeing this guy casually I met off a dating website(THEY ARE NOT ALL BAD) and honestly I can be myself around him. He is pretty special especially because he drives over an hour to see me a couple times a week. Dedication to him. He is great.
I am working on the relationships I have with people. Honestly, it is hard. Rebuilding trust that was lost or just trying to trust in general not the easiest thing in the world but I am working on it.
Life isn't the greatest but it isn't the hardest ether. I am honestly so so grateful for the friends who have stepped up and the friends I have made and my family who has my back.
I promise this won't be the last you hear from me.
Sunday, April 16, 2017
Welcome To Sunday
In the words of Brian Logan Dales, Welcome To Monday.
To me, it's Welcome to Sunday. Welcome to the fact that I am winning at least for now.
I fought the weekend war. Well at least most of it.
Lately, it has been a crazy couple of weeks where I didn't think I was gonna win. I had many meltdowns and breakdowns and situations where I just wanted to lay in bed all day and probably cry.
But I haven't.
I won today.
I went to church for the first time in months for myself. Not for the fact that people were like, "Go to the church. Go to church and your problems will be all gone." I went to feel better and to feel the Lord's love for me. Let me tell you going on Easter Sunday was amazing. We sang all my favorite Hymns and it just felt good to realize that I didn't care what others thought of me anymore. I am going for me(when I can thanks to work)
I'd like to announce this now but pictures are gonna come when it happens that I am getting my first tattoo. I am getting a semi colon butterfly in honor of mental health. It is gonna have all the colors that represent my mental health and whats going.
I am excited to get that tattoo to hopefully bring some awareness to Mental Health and to show other people they are not alone. Some Mormons do not get tattoos. We are advised to keep our bodies as temples. My body itself has been through hell and back especially recently. I am getting it as a reminder to myself that it is okay to struggle. My story isn't over and I am not gonna let it be over.
Also, I want to talk about 13 Reasons Why while I have everyones attention. 13 Reasons Why is a wonderful show. I love the actors and all the dynamics that go along with it. That being said, it is also very triggering. I found myself in a very tight spot on top of other things.
It personally brings awareness to suicide and self harm etc, but what angers me is the jokes that have recently come about this show. *Spoiler Warning* Hannah made those tapes to explain why she killed herself. Other people's actions influenced it. That should teach people to take their actions more seriously and just mental health in general more seriously. Not just making jokes about, "Oh someone did something." "Welcome to your tape."
Not what happened at all.
I am looking forward to the future and I hope I still have the love and support of my friends and family.
Also, Happy Easter.
Kyrsten
Saturday, April 1, 2017
My Name is Kyrsten
I've seen a lot of posts and videos of friends sharing their stories about mental illness and what not so I decided to share some more details about my mental illnesses and everything else.
My name is Kyrsten and I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Now I obsess my thoughts. I obsess with how people think of me and how they feel about me. I have to have things in a certain order. It also bugs me when things are not even. I got my diagnosis in June ish of 2016. I was shocked but it made sense. I remember sitting with my therapist and he was explaining this to me and I felt relief. I felt like I was finally getting answers about what was going on in my head.
My name is Kyrsten and I have Depression.
I officially was diagnosed with depression in May of 2016 while doing preparing to serve a mission for the LDS church. My doctor told me I wasn't mentally ready to go. I have struggled with depression for as long as I remember. I am a survivor was self-harm. I used to cut myself. I am clean as of a couple of months and I am proud. I am learning about my triggers and how to deal with them.
My name is Kyrsten and I have Anxiety.
This was diagnosed the same day I was diagnosed with depression. And honestly? It has been my worst nightmare. I struggle still so much with new people and dealing with situations I don't want to deal with. I used to at work and have constant anxiety attacks. It was terrible. I had to tell myself that it would be over and that it would get better. I am now on medication that controls my anxiety and helps a lot with my brain and how I think and feel. I give my medication so much credit because in a way I feel like I wouldn't have survived this whole process with them.
My name is Kyrsten and I have Anorexia.
This is hard. I recently got diagnosed with this. I have lost about 12-15 pounds in over two months. I have little to no appetite and I am scared to get fat. My doctor is worried about me and tells me I have to drink Protein shakes to attempt to get my appetite. It has been a little over two weeks since I have learned this and I have finally realized after looking at my weight after my weekly weigh ins that losing so much weight is so unhealthy. I hate my body more than I did when I had lots of weight. I currently weigh 92 pounds. Scary right? I should be about 100-105 pounds for my age and height. This disease has ruined my pleasure of food. For awhile, I would count calories and be like no I need to not gain a lot of weight but ill gain only a little. It didn't hit me that it was real until I sat down with my sisters almost in tears and told them I was sick and had Anorexia. My boyfriend and parents knew but I was still in denial. At first, it was constantly being told to eat and to keep eating and I didn't want to be forced to eat. I realize now that I need people to be like eat some food but at the same time don't get mad if I am not hungry. It is a scary disease. I am scared but I am facing it full force.
This is my story. I have an eating disorder and multiple mental illnesses. It's okay. I have comfort in my boyfriend and family and others who have inspired me to share my story. Mental illnesses are so real. I spend my days off ether at doctors appointments or mentally recovering from days before and mentally preparing for the day. It sucks. It sucks to cry all the time because your mind is all over the place. It sucks when you wanna hang out with friends but your depression and anxiety make you just wanna lay in bed all day and do nothing. I spend days sleeping or just watching netflix because I cant physically or mentally do anything else.
This isn't a pity story of the girl with issues. This is a story that I needed to share. I have realized I am not alone. So here is all of me in the worst and sometimes the best way I can offer.
Enjoy.
-Kyrsten
My name is Kyrsten and I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Now I obsess my thoughts. I obsess with how people think of me and how they feel about me. I have to have things in a certain order. It also bugs me when things are not even. I got my diagnosis in June ish of 2016. I was shocked but it made sense. I remember sitting with my therapist and he was explaining this to me and I felt relief. I felt like I was finally getting answers about what was going on in my head.
My name is Kyrsten and I have Depression.
I officially was diagnosed with depression in May of 2016 while doing preparing to serve a mission for the LDS church. My doctor told me I wasn't mentally ready to go. I have struggled with depression for as long as I remember. I am a survivor was self-harm. I used to cut myself. I am clean as of a couple of months and I am proud. I am learning about my triggers and how to deal with them.
My name is Kyrsten and I have Anxiety.
This was diagnosed the same day I was diagnosed with depression. And honestly? It has been my worst nightmare. I struggle still so much with new people and dealing with situations I don't want to deal with. I used to at work and have constant anxiety attacks. It was terrible. I had to tell myself that it would be over and that it would get better. I am now on medication that controls my anxiety and helps a lot with my brain and how I think and feel. I give my medication so much credit because in a way I feel like I wouldn't have survived this whole process with them.
My name is Kyrsten and I have Anorexia.
This is hard. I recently got diagnosed with this. I have lost about 12-15 pounds in over two months. I have little to no appetite and I am scared to get fat. My doctor is worried about me and tells me I have to drink Protein shakes to attempt to get my appetite. It has been a little over two weeks since I have learned this and I have finally realized after looking at my weight after my weekly weigh ins that losing so much weight is so unhealthy. I hate my body more than I did when I had lots of weight. I currently weigh 92 pounds. Scary right? I should be about 100-105 pounds for my age and height. This disease has ruined my pleasure of food. For awhile, I would count calories and be like no I need to not gain a lot of weight but ill gain only a little. It didn't hit me that it was real until I sat down with my sisters almost in tears and told them I was sick and had Anorexia. My boyfriend and parents knew but I was still in denial. At first, it was constantly being told to eat and to keep eating and I didn't want to be forced to eat. I realize now that I need people to be like eat some food but at the same time don't get mad if I am not hungry. It is a scary disease. I am scared but I am facing it full force.
This is my story. I have an eating disorder and multiple mental illnesses. It's okay. I have comfort in my boyfriend and family and others who have inspired me to share my story. Mental illnesses are so real. I spend my days off ether at doctors appointments or mentally recovering from days before and mentally preparing for the day. It sucks. It sucks to cry all the time because your mind is all over the place. It sucks when you wanna hang out with friends but your depression and anxiety make you just wanna lay in bed all day and do nothing. I spend days sleeping or just watching netflix because I cant physically or mentally do anything else.
This isn't a pity story of the girl with issues. This is a story that I needed to share. I have realized I am not alone. So here is all of me in the worst and sometimes the best way I can offer.
Enjoy.
-Kyrsten
Wednesday, March 15, 2017
Life updates and Pregnancy??
So I felt the need to make this blog post for a numerous reasons.
First of all, please don't believe everything you hear.
Second, rumors most of the time are not true.
Third, I have a phone. Call me, text me, Heck even use facebook or any of my social media not my father.
Moving on, life has been life. I've been good. That feels good to say that. Recently I have had an increase of my anxiety/depression/ocd medicine and that has been a life changer. That and yoga has been a huge stress reliever.
I have to admit. I also have a great support system with my mom and my boyfriend that has made things a lot easier.
As much of you probably heard, I got cats! Two six(Probably like eight or nine now) month old cats who are my life and joy. Their names are Nemo and Merlin. Go stalk my instagram and facebook for pictures of my babies. They have spent my bad days cuddling with me and making me feel like I have a purpose in life and that I have a reason to live on days when I don't feel like I have one. They are the reason why I laugh and smile a lot more.
Anyways, lets get to what I really want to address on this blog post. So first I am going to come out and just be up front with this. I wanted to post a fake sonogram on April First to fool people I was pregnant. Now why would Kyrsten do this?
Well, as of Sunday night I got a call from my dad saying he got off the phone with someone asking him if I was pregnant. Lol what no seriously really? Yeah, true. There are rumors going around that I am pregnant and this rumor started roughly two months ago. So I am writing this post to enlighten you all.
Let me tell all, that I weigh the lowest I have since like middle school. I also wouldn't get pregnant at my age and I know better. Anyone who knows or cares about me would at least know me better that I wouldn't be that person. I have enough health issues that still need to be taken care of before I ever decide to get married and pregnant so that being....
I AM NOT PREGNANT NOR WILL I BE FOR A LONG TIME.
Oh also, I tag my boyfriend in baby stuff all the time because i love babies and I can't wait to be a mother someday and he hates the fact that I have baby fever
I don't know who started the rumor nor do I care. Just come talk to me. Seriously. I wasn't angry. I laughed. I was in the rumor mill for the first time since high school kinda fun.
But really, me being pregnant. Has anyone seen me in the last two months? I literally weigh nothing and dropped two pants sizes.
So other than that subject I needed to address, I can't complain. I have a great future coming up that I an so excited for and ready.
Life is good and I am ready to take it head on.
Yours truly,
Kyrsten
First of all, please don't believe everything you hear.
Second, rumors most of the time are not true.
Third, I have a phone. Call me, text me, Heck even use facebook or any of my social media not my father.
Moving on, life has been life. I've been good. That feels good to say that. Recently I have had an increase of my anxiety/depression/ocd medicine and that has been a life changer. That and yoga has been a huge stress reliever.
I have to admit. I also have a great support system with my mom and my boyfriend that has made things a lot easier.
As much of you probably heard, I got cats! Two six(Probably like eight or nine now) month old cats who are my life and joy. Their names are Nemo and Merlin. Go stalk my instagram and facebook for pictures of my babies. They have spent my bad days cuddling with me and making me feel like I have a purpose in life and that I have a reason to live on days when I don't feel like I have one. They are the reason why I laugh and smile a lot more.
Anyways, lets get to what I really want to address on this blog post. So first I am going to come out and just be up front with this. I wanted to post a fake sonogram on April First to fool people I was pregnant. Now why would Kyrsten do this?
Well, as of Sunday night I got a call from my dad saying he got off the phone with someone asking him if I was pregnant. Lol what no seriously really? Yeah, true. There are rumors going around that I am pregnant and this rumor started roughly two months ago. So I am writing this post to enlighten you all.
Let me tell all, that I weigh the lowest I have since like middle school. I also wouldn't get pregnant at my age and I know better. Anyone who knows or cares about me would at least know me better that I wouldn't be that person. I have enough health issues that still need to be taken care of before I ever decide to get married and pregnant so that being....
I AM NOT PREGNANT NOR WILL I BE FOR A LONG TIME.
Oh also, I tag my boyfriend in baby stuff all the time because i love babies and I can't wait to be a mother someday and he hates the fact that I have baby fever
I don't know who started the rumor nor do I care. Just come talk to me. Seriously. I wasn't angry. I laughed. I was in the rumor mill for the first time since high school kinda fun.
But really, me being pregnant. Has anyone seen me in the last two months? I literally weigh nothing and dropped two pants sizes.
So other than that subject I needed to address, I can't complain. I have a great future coming up that I an so excited for and ready.
Life is good and I am ready to take it head on.
Yours truly,
Kyrsten
Sunday, February 12, 2017
My Struggle with Religion pt.2
Disclaimer: *I wrote a basically less detailed version of this post so if you wanna check it out click on the link! Part One also this post is gonna be very open and honest
Life has been life. That is the best way to put it. I've recently been through a lot and it has kinda interfered with church and what not.
I believe in The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I have for as long as I can remember.
It has just been ever since I was told I can't go on a mission it feels like everything to do with religion has fallen apart. All I wanted to do was to serve a mission and because of my mental health and physical health I can't. It sucks.
I've distanced myself from church. I've stopped going for the fact of judgement. I'm twenty and not married and most Mormons figure that if you don't go on a mission, it's time to get married. I'm not dating a member of the church and I've honestly seen a lot of backlash from that too. I've lost some goof friends because of that and other unrelated issues that are not going to be mentioned in this post.
I have three of my close friends serving missions, and everytime I hear from them it just warms my heart of what they doing. They are spending a year and a half to two years of their life dedicating their lives to the Lord. It is beautiful. I miss them terribly don't get me wrong. There are weeks where them being able to email back and forth for a bit is the only day I look forward to in a week.
It's always been a struggle with religion with me but it has been harder recently with the fact that being judged for some things that are out of your control I just can't really comprehend it. Why do it?
Now, I believe in God. I know that God has my back and I feel like I don't need to prove it to anyone else but my own.
I am slowly figuring out myself and how to better take care of myself and my mental state. It has been a challenge and it is something that I have found that I need to put myself first. It's perfectly okay to take a break from something that is negative and stressing you out.
That's advice that I have given other people who decided to take breaks from things like social media and etc but to me, right now its church. I need to figure out how to deal with the judgement and the fact that people really don't approve of me dating someone who isn't a member. So I mean it's gonna happen until I feel comfortable about everything.
Recently, my friend started his own blog and he is doing it to clear his head and to get his thoughts out.
So this is me getting my thoughts in better detailed what has been constantly going through my head recently.
Until next time!
-Kyrsten
Life has been life. That is the best way to put it. I've recently been through a lot and it has kinda interfered with church and what not.
I believe in The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I have for as long as I can remember.
It has just been ever since I was told I can't go on a mission it feels like everything to do with religion has fallen apart. All I wanted to do was to serve a mission and because of my mental health and physical health I can't. It sucks.
I've distanced myself from church. I've stopped going for the fact of judgement. I'm twenty and not married and most Mormons figure that if you don't go on a mission, it's time to get married. I'm not dating a member of the church and I've honestly seen a lot of backlash from that too. I've lost some goof friends because of that and other unrelated issues that are not going to be mentioned in this post.
I have three of my close friends serving missions, and everytime I hear from them it just warms my heart of what they doing. They are spending a year and a half to two years of their life dedicating their lives to the Lord. It is beautiful. I miss them terribly don't get me wrong. There are weeks where them being able to email back and forth for a bit is the only day I look forward to in a week.
It's always been a struggle with religion with me but it has been harder recently with the fact that being judged for some things that are out of your control I just can't really comprehend it. Why do it?
Now, I believe in God. I know that God has my back and I feel like I don't need to prove it to anyone else but my own.
I am slowly figuring out myself and how to better take care of myself and my mental state. It has been a challenge and it is something that I have found that I need to put myself first. It's perfectly okay to take a break from something that is negative and stressing you out.
That's advice that I have given other people who decided to take breaks from things like social media and etc but to me, right now its church. I need to figure out how to deal with the judgement and the fact that people really don't approve of me dating someone who isn't a member. So I mean it's gonna happen until I feel comfortable about everything.
Recently, my friend started his own blog and he is doing it to clear his head and to get his thoughts out.
So this is me getting my thoughts in better detailed what has been constantly going through my head recently.
Until next time!
-Kyrsten
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