To The Blue Eyed Boy

I have been torn apart.

I have spent nights crying my eyes out just wishing you would call me or text me. I finally learned that I can't continue to wait.

I am not the person who fell head over heels for you over a year ago. I am not the girl who waited for every move and put so many things aside for the guy she loved. I remember you telling me that I wasn't the girl you fell in love with and that you missed her.

So what did I do? I tried to be her. I lost myself again and told myself if I became her then I would get you back. That was stupid. So freaken stupid. I wanted to do everything that you wanted so I could have you back.

Why?

I can't change the past and in ways I feel like you want me to magically change the past. You want to play the victim card here and I can't accept. I can say that I know what I did. I know that it hurt but you hurt me.

I lost my best friend. I was told my best friend wasn't going anywhere and he disappeared. He turned into this person who smokes weed and expects way too much out of people. He turned into a person with a chip on his shoulder. I felt bullied into a situation where I was supposed to change so fast.

You hurt me too and I don't think you realize that. "She's prettier than you. She's better than you." "You aren't the same person you were before. I don't miss you."

Words hurt like a knife.

I can't change the past. I feel like you think I have lived this perfect life since you left and my life has been nothing but easy since you have been gone. I remember May 18th all too well. I can't look at a motorcycle the same ever again. My parents got a divorce and I had to be the rock for my siblings.

I've been to treatment twice where both times I was promised I'd have my best friend waiting on the otherside. Both times, that same boy hurt me and he doesn't realize the damage.

You have given me false hope for the happily ever after that is never gonna happen.

"You piss me off. This is why we can't be friends."

I asked if you were okay one day and you yelled at me for not saying hi first.

What happened to the boy with the huge grin and the smile that lit up a room? It is filled with anger and a tone that kills me inside. I can't do the emotional abuse. I can't feel like I am trying when in return I am getting a brick wall that just gives me a longer list of things to do to climb over.

I'm done.

I can't sit here anymore and wish for the blue eyed boy to come back to me. I may not be the girl you fell in love with. That girl went through hell and back with you and you left her there to sink. Your expectations drowned me. I couldn't get back on my own two feet cause everytime I would make a little bit of progress, it wouldn't be good enough. Why wasn't I good enough for you?

She needed someone who help her get back to the top and she wanted you but you never reached out.

The last year of my life was the worst and the best in so many ways and I won't regret it but I won't ever look back again hoping and praying that I'll get that other chance.

From,
The girl who tried.