two thousand and seventeen

Hands down the worst year of my life and I am not gonna sit here and sugar coat it.

Spotify came out with a playlist of songs that basically defined 2017. In my opinion, it is post breakup/post hospitalization.
 
I'm gonna post at least 5-10 of my absolute favorite and explain how they pertain to this year.

Mr. Brightside- The Killers

Mr. Brightside is one of those songs that you find yourself dancing to after a long day. I think I was shown this song by my ex and for the longest time I couldn't listen to it. It made me sad listening to it. Then one day I found myself singing and almost crying because the song no longer had a negative connotation to it.

F U Till I F U -Call Me Karizma

I found myself spending days crying to this song. This song is one of my all time favorites. I mean you would think since I have the lyrics, "I'm gonna love you forever that's just my curse it's whatever." tattooed. I related this to my failed engagement more than anything. I still find myself loving my ex. He put me through so much stuff this year that I had to relearn who I was and how to start over after something new. It hurt like hell. He hated me at the time and sometimes I thought he was the only person I thought I could turn to.

The Scientist - Coldplay

It wasn't good enough I figured out. "Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard. Oh take me back to the start." I cried even more. I wanted all of it back. I told people to hang on to the love they had because I was stupid enough to ruin it. That was my biggest regret. I wanted him back more than anything. I sent him message after message. I begged and pleaded for just one more chance. I remember being in the hospital and getting off the phone and crying. Crying till my head hurt and my friends holding me because I was sobbing against a wall. I remember praying to God that I would one day get it back but I never will.

Swim- Jack's Mannequin

2017 has been more than heartbreak. I wanted to die. I told my parents straight up that I wanted to end it all.This year I ended up in the mental hospital twice. One in Mansfield and the other in Marion. It was like I got another chance to live. Without the help especially the second time around, I may not have been alive to tell my story.  It wasn't until I saw on twiter that a mutual friend was listening to this band. I played this song and yes I broke out in tears. I realized that this song was my anthem to keep going.

Boys Like You- Anna Clendening

This song is my anthem now when it comes to relationships. I have dated my fair share of people this year. Two of them have really made me evaluate myself and how I trust. They both have made me very skeptical of getting hurt. Very commitment phobic now. They made me both believe that I could get it right this time and with them I didn't. They both ended up hurting me. I thought they were both different and it sucked.

Stay Together- Noah Cyrus 

I love Noah Cyrus. I became a huge fan of hers after Made Me Cry and Stay Together. Everytime I listened to Stay Together I had this feeling that I was on top of the world. I could do whatever. I felt like I was kinda invincible and that rocked. I did some stupid stuff while listening to this song. But feeling a little bit on top of the world and smiling and laughing made up for whatever I did.

Black & Blue -Call Me Karizma

First of all, Call Me Karizma is one of my favorite artists and his music always puts me in a mood. At first, I listened to this song when I couldn't get one person off my mind and now I listen to this song when I think of a couple of people who decided they didn't want to stay in my life. Half of me says it's their faults and it is their fault for walking out of my life but at the same time it hurt. I remember crying to my sisters because my best friend choose his girlfriend over being friends with me. That hurt like hell especially after developing feelings and having that person tell you that they want you and then go around and choose someone else.

2017

There's a million things I could say. I've fallen in love and fallen apart. I am slowly putting myself back together. My life could've been so different if I just didn't make stupid decisions. Am I punishing myself for what happened? All the time. 2017 has been the worst of my life. I am constantly reminded of everything and I realize one day things will be good.

Until then, I keep moving on. Here's to hopefully a better 2018.