My Battle with Depression

I'm always open and maybe sometimes that gets me in trouble but oh well here goes.

My ugly friend is named Depression. Depression is hands down my worst nightmare. It starts from the moment I wake up to the moment I close my eyes at the end of the day.

It tells me how awful of a person I am and how I don't deserve much attention. When I call one of the people who is in my support system my stomach drops in anxiety and sigh the moment it goes to voicemail. My voicemail is pitiful as I just think another person doesn't have the time for me.

I talk to my friends in Ohio who have decided that I am not worth their time and same goes to some of my friends in the west. When did I become like this?

It's suddenly one am and I realize at some point I need to sleep but my mind goes on to everything that has happened. It is snowy and cold and I wish to be somewhere else but where? I tell myself that the next two months won't be the hardest of my life. I tell myself that if I can get through this I can get through

I look at my medications like a chore. I take them in the morning and in the evening because let's be real I wouldn't be a person without my medicine. I am a girl who is hopeful with life but also knows that nothing works in my favor.

My depression looks me dead in the eye and smiles because most days it wins. It has me sleeping all the time and confined in my bed. It has me wishing for attention and comfort from anyone who will give it.

My battle has been going on for years and years. I remember at the end of each other for as long as I can remember I would tell myself that next year would be next because I would beat my depression. Silly me for thinking I could actually beat my depression. My depression has taken a front seat in my  life. Most days it tells me how I should feel and how I should act.

Depression is scary and it sucks the life out of you. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I remember wanting to serve an LDS mission and I couldn't because my depression couldn't get under control.

Five meds later and doctors every month I'm okay, I have a support system. Having mental health issues makes you realize who your real friends are and it sucks but at the same time it isn't.

I will never be friends with my depression. I am at the point as I will never be friends with my depression but I have to learn to deal with it and move forward with my life.

My battle isn't far from over but I am ready to fight.