2016 In Review

I'm alive well getting over strep but hey blogging world how is it going?

I haven't written a blog post since August and it is now Christmas Eve well probably Christmas Day or the day after by the time anyone gets to this post but not the point.

I can't believe 2016 is basically over! I always try to think of the year in review for my sakes and how next year can get better. In my opinion though, I loved 2016 while most people hated it. Yeah politics sucked and other things but life is life.

This year has been insaneee. I started it off in Idaho and will end it in Ohio. I started this year kinda scared of what was going to happen. I knew I was going to be taking classes winter semester and that ended up me coming home from school three months early.

In those three months, I started on some medications for my mental health issues. I started seeing a psychiatrist who I am thankful for. I realized that my mental illnesses don't defy me. I am still the same old me before I found out about these. I am the weird person who binges on netflix and loves food.

I sent some friends off on missions. Yeah, its hard. I never thought it would be so hard to send your best friend on a mission. Two years is such a long time. My friends are awesome. My closest friends are serving in Mexico City North, Temple Square, and Colorado Denver South. I am thankful that my really weird schedule of life still allows me to find the time to talk to them for a bit each week even if its one or two emails.

I've lost friends. Well I had a friend from my old high school that committed suicide. That was the closest I had been to a death in a long time. I cried for hours. It wasn't fair. It still isn't fair.

Ive had a few relationships this year. I almost got engaged. Lol funny but true. It wasn't meant to be. He is great. He deserves nothing but the best and he knows that for sure.

I met someone else who I'm still with. He is something special. He takes care of me when I need it. He is my best friend in the entire world. I don't know what I would do without him honestly. He makes me laugh and smile when I need to smile and drives me crazy all at the same time.

I have learned about life and love and how to take care of myself. I am the happiest I have been in a long time. Mental Health and finding the people worth being around is SO SO WORTH IT. I never realized how important it was to put myself first for once.

My advice to anyone struggling is so hang on. Life gets better trust me. As someone who suffers from OCD, Anxiety, and Depression. I understand.

I started the week of Christmas having Strep. Literally the worst thing in the world. I don't wish it on my worst enemy, I felt like death up until Thursday roughly. I'm still a little sick but im on the mend and I get to enjoy Christmas with my family so I am stoked.

I promise to everyone I will try to make more updates in the next coming year. If anyone wants to keep up with my writing I write for a website called The Odyssey through BYUI. Here is my profile :https://www.theodysseyonline.com/@kyrstenleake  if anyone wants to look though my writings. I usually post a new article on Mondays and they will always be on my Twitter and Facebook pages.

I love you all!

Thank for the love and support this year.

Here is to the new year!

-Kyrsten

Swim for Brighter Days

Life has been hectic.

Actually, I don't even think hectic even begins the explain or describe the last four months or so of my life. I don't know how to even start to explain it but everyone in a way deserves to know what has been going on.

I blog and I share my life because in some sort way I feel like someone out there reads this and is like man I needed this right now or I know exactly how she feels.

I am open about my struggle or in a way I try to be. I closed myself out to others and to a lot of things in a way that was so not healthy and it took awhile to realize that I need to get my life totally back on track.

I was drowning. I was gonna go on a mission. I came home from school all excited all beyond ready. And then once you hear the words that you were diagnosed with anxiety/depression/ocd all within weeks it hits you like a ton of bricks. There went my hopes and dreams for a mission.

On top of that, my knees decided they wanted to act up again. I went back to the doctor after a failed surgery and we tried a shot and still pain. Then my right knee started acting up. Well ya know two not working knees how lovely right.

My world was falling apart. I was in a relationship where I felt the need that I needed to perfect. I needed to be this strong person whose issues could easily be solved with the words, "I love you" and "I promise things are going to be okay." After hearing those words, I became so angry with myself and the world. I shut him out when I don't think he knew it and I shut my friends out for weeks when I couldn't figure anything out.  Things were not okay. They were not getting better.

I ended that relationship because I wasn't ready. I loved him and in a way I still do. I ended it because I needed to remember that I don't need to strive to be perfect. I wanted to be the girl who was strong and he could always go to and that he would marry someday in the temple. I wasn't strong. I kept my issues and listened to him and bottled everything up until I broke. He trusted me with everything and I couldn't tell him that secretly I was just drowning.

 All my issues were not gonna be solved with the words "I love you" and "Things are gonna be okay." I knew inside that those words never helped yet I continued hearing them and I kept silent. I let him believe that I was okay when I wasn't and it wasn't fair to him. I wasn't who he thought he was and that made me really realize how I couldn't continue dragging him into it.

It wasn't until I saw my psychiatrist for the first time that my life made sense. Before I saw him nothing made sense in my mind of why I thought the way I did and why I couldn't control things that were happening and what happened in the past.

That being said, I am taking a year off of school. I am going to focus on getting in control of my mind and i am going to solve what the actual heck is going on with my knees. And for me to type that is one of the hardest things ever. Anyone who knows me knows I love BYUI. Holy heck I love Idaho and I love my mountains and not seeing my friends in the fall sucks so much.

But honestly I am learning to be okay. I am learning more about myself than I thought I would.This next year is gonna be me getting my life on track. I am going to learn how to cope with my mental health.

My mind has been a mess but I am not ashamed to share anymore what I have been going through lately. I am not scared anymore to say I was so sad and sometimes I still am and I am figuring it out. I am still the same weirdo who loves pizza and french fries.

I am figuring out that I will be okay. I will figure out what I am meant to do and who I am meant to be.

I am okay.

There is a song by the band Jack Mannequin. It is called Swim.

That song literally is currently the anthem of the last four months especially looking back of how far I have come. If anyone would've asked me how I was a month or two I would have looked at you dead in the eye and lied and said I am fine and that my life was just peachy.

The lyrics, "I swim to brighter days despite the absence of sun choking on salt water I'm not giving in I swim." saved me during a breakdown.

I will literally win and swim for brighter days to be happy no matter how hard it is. I deal with the bad days and praise where I can look at my best friend and say I had a good day.

I really love and appreciate my dad and some of my close friends for really sticking by me for the last couple of months and dealing with the fact that I am truly finding myself and dealing with my issues. You are the reason I continue to fight this battle!

Mental illnesses are no joke. That being said I am not ashamed of the battle I fight daily.

Until next time.

Kyrsten

Like a Broken Vessel

Im currently sitting in my house writing letters to friends on missions and blasting music from 2004 because I can.

In reality, this morning already I listened to a conference talk that I should've listened to weeks ago and I read this months ensign.

I have been hiding the fact that I have been really angry with myself and God and the way that things have turned out.

Now why the frick am I sharing this?

Well for one I am not gonna sit here and lie to everyone or give people this false hope.

As many know I started my mission papers. I've come across multiple health issues that currently prevent me from going.

And honestly that freaken sucks.

All I have wanted for years is to wear that name tag across my chest and sharing the word of God that saved my life somewhere in the world. Heavenly Father has other plans.

I have been so angry about it. I kinda shut out my friends and kinda pulled back from society. I still attended my church meetings but yet I was angry of why this happened when I wanted it so bad.

My boyfriend kept telling me Heavenly Father has a plan and no doubt I didn't believe that. It just for so long I was convinced that me swerving was apart of this plan.

It wasn't until really yesterday that Elder Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles shared a video Like a Broken Vessel (go check it out) that it really hit me. Mental Illness is no joke.

Heavenly Father has not given up on me the last couple of weeks so why am I going to give up on myself? He has a plan for me and I slowly but surely have to figure that out even if that includes not serving a mission now.

My health issues do not define me and I am not going to let them define me like I have been doing the last couple of weeks. It happens. I was meant to start my papers for a reason and maybe someday I will figure out that reason.

I am still the werido who wishes both of my knees were functioning and enjoys mountain dew way more than I should. I am still the weirdo who works at your neighborhood Mcdonalds but secretly wishes she had another job(it is fine kinda sorta).

I am still me and that is all that matters.

-Kyrsten

Life Unexpected

Roughly around a month ago I got access to my mission papers.

Yeah I started them! And I honestly thought this is what Heavenly Father's plan was for me. My plan was I start them summit them by the end of the summer and leave by late December/early January.

It turns out Heavenly Father had other plans for me.

I had someone walk basically back into my life and change my entire world when I was least expecting it. It was at a time when most things were not going well and I was having a really rough time. It was actually one of the biggest blessings in my life. I have slowly learned to start loving myself more because of him and I have never been happier.

My knees decided they wanted to play their games. I had terrible pain in my left knee to the point where I wanted to cry. Ibuprofen and my knee brace became my best friend. I decided to go back to the knee doctor and I told myself and Heavenly Father that it would be up to him if I would go.

I got a shot in my knee and a return appointment for the right knee that decided it wanted to join the fun. In my honest opinion(basically what I told my doctor) it is gonna be the same game I played last summer. Surgery.

I don't know what Heavenly Father has planned for me. I am hopeful to serve a mission. It has been one of my hopes and my dreams for the last three years.

It is crazy how unexpected life can be. I know Heavenly Father has a plan for me and I am slowly trying to figure it out.

I am beyond thankful for everyones love and support as I go through these challenges and difficult decisions!  It is so hard but it is going to be worth it and that is what keeps me going.

So basically I don't know how to feel about it but I want to be healthy so I am leaving it all to the Lord and hopefully I will have enough hope and faith to carry me through.

Until next time. Hopefully not months from now.

-Kyrsten

Reality

I never imagined my life would be the way it is currently six months ago.

I used be scared of jumping into things head first and following promptings(sorry Heavenly Father).

Now my life is probably just as hectic maybe a tad more hectic as it was six months ago but I wouldn't change a thing.

I used to live in this fantasy of some sorts that when my best friend got home from his mission in February and then we would magically get together and things would magically work out. Right because thats how life works out right?

Nah. I hate to admit this but for a second I had myself convinced that nothing would happen and that whenever we would talk about going on a date or something in my head I would be okay thats like six months away lots can happen.

Fast forward to now. He came back to Ohio for a funeral for one of his converts and the moment he said he was coming back I had this little freak out. It was like all of my feelings had come rushing back. He also had to see me or he at least really wanted too.

Part of me was kinda really torn. I was dead set with what was going on in my life. I had a job and I was about to start on another adventure(another story for another day).

It wasn't until I saw him that my life was kinda turned upside down in a good way. I hadn't seen him in almost a year and yet it seemed like I had known him for longer than the two years that I have known him. It was awkward at first I am not going to lie. I am one awkward person haha but we dealt with it.

The rest of the time spent with him was kinda a miracle in ways I didn't realize. My house was the calmest it had been in awhile and I realized Heavenly Father had other plans for me.

A week ago I made the decision to try long distance when I used to think people were stupid for doing long distance and I always said it never worked.

 

 

He is my best friend and my boyfriend all in one. How great is that? He listens to all my rants and deals with the fact that I always fall asleep while texting him at night. He gets along with my family and is one of the most sweetest understanding people I know.

I know this is chessy and what not and probably unexpected. Yeah I never thought this would happen in a million years but I have never been happier.

Heavenly Father certainly has things happen for a reason. Yeah it sucked that he came to Ohio for a funeral but at the same time theres always light at the end of a dark tunnel.

I love this guy and I am beyond excited to see what the future holds!

Thats the major update currently in my life.

Until next time!

-Kyrsten

Blessings in Disguise

Crazy how much one weekend changes everything!

This weekend I got to hear the 187th General Conference. General Conference is held twice a year in April and October. We as members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints hear from our leaders of the church on lots of different topics.

During this conference, I was beyond lucky to watch it on tv with my roommates instead of on my laptop by myself. You could honestly feel the spirit more in the room and I got much more out of it.

I went into conference this weekend stressed out and still down about stuff and so I wasn't prepared as I really liked to me as much as I hate to admit that.

But honestly it hit me like a ton of bricks. In the Saturday morning session, there was a talk given by Elder Kevin R. Duncan called, "The Healing Ointment of Forgiveness". It really hit home for me about everything that had been going on recently. 

I have had hard time forgiving someone and what not. I realized that since I need to forgive them then I need to see them the way that God sees them. I also feel like I was being called out in a way because soon after Elder Duncan said that we should not define people by the worst things that they have done. If we want to be forgiven for our sins then we need to forgive ourselves and others. 

Again, I felt like it was something I really needed to hear. It was one of my favorite talks from this general conference. I know for a fact that I need to work on forgiveness and apply it more to my life.

Another really good talk was from the Sunday Morning session! Elder Quentin L. Cook gave a talk called "See Yourself in the Temple." Anyone who knows me knows I have a huge love for the temple. I have a goal in life to visit and do a session in every single temple in the United States. So far I have done a session in three temple and visited the grounds of five soon to be six or more depending on a road trip with my dad this week.  

Fun fact about Elder Cook is that I saw him at a devotional in Ohio last August. That was sweet! 

Elder Cook talked about how we should make the temple our goal. We should not focus on perfection which is huge because I know for a fact I dwell on a lot. The temple can be our place of peace and we can be close to the Lord while in the temple.

I know for a fact that while I am in the temple that I can feel closer to the Lord and I can feel safe and I can feel peace. It is a wonderful feeling to go in there and sit in the House of the Lord! 

I love this talk because I totally understood everything Elder Cook was touching on. I went to the temple on Wednesday for the first time in two weeks and I instantly felt better. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. 

Conference was amazing. I could go on and on about the talks that were given this weekend but I won't to make this super long.

I love this gospel so much. I am thankful for the happiness and the joy that it brings to me and others around the world. This weekend was so uplifting and it gives me so much hope for the future.

Next time, I will be blogging from ether Ohio or whatever eastern state that I will be in. 

Have a great week! Love you all!

-Kyrsten

Agency

I have been trying to think of what to blog for the last three days.

It has been driving me completely crazy because normally I can think of something and bam there is a blog post.

Life hasn't really been in a walk in the park lately and I think that is why I have been so hesitant on blogging recently.

It's funny that I have been so hesitant lately because I never am. I usually am so open on here and what not. I just haven't felt the need to.

But hello I am alive and surviving!

I really learned a huge lesson in agency the last couple of weeks that I would like to share. Having agency means you can make your own choices and basically face whatever consequences later on.

For me, that was the choice of seeing a guy who turned out to be kinda toxic. It was toxic basically from the start. I think in the back of my mind I knew it wasn't right but heck I was happy for the first time in awhile and I was having fun so why not roll with it.

It wasn't until my friends got involved that things kinda took a turn. They met him and they knew he just wasn't good news and for me that hurts. I mean who would be happy if their best friends didn't like the guy they were kinda seeing.

Anyways without going into details, I ended up walking away from the situation. And it is hard. It still is. It isn't my proudest moment but I learned that you have to make your own decisions.

You make your decisions and learn from them. Whether they are mistakes or what not.

It is so funny how lessons are learned. I didn't think it would be in that way but it happened. I also learned to totally trust my friends judgement of the guys I hang out and to honestly ask for their opinions.

Basically that has been the last couple of weeks of my life. Trying to pick up my life and figure out what the heck to do.

In other news, I leave Idaho in roughly five days or so! Gotta start this new chapter of my life somewhere! 

-Kyrsten

End of the Semester Shanagins(or however you spell it)

I WILL BE BACK IN THE GREAT OHIO IN BASICALLY A MONTH THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

but hello.

It is obvious of how excited to go back home. I miss my sisters and my family and just being home in general.

At the same time though, I might actually miss this potato state.

The fact that the semester is ending in like a month kinda freaks me out to a point. I am not gonna lie when I say that I am going to miss so much about being here in Rexburg!

I have made so many great friends here.

I have also gone through some many changes and new things. Aka going to Salt Lake and seeing the temple and cutting off eight inches of my hair.

But honestly, I have learned so much in the last two semesters being here then I ever thought I would learn! It amazes me the things you can learn!

I know for a fact that I have such a huge testimony of the gospel more. Being at BYUI kinda does that to you and I totally do not mean that in a bad way. I think I honestly needed it.

I needed that huge slap in the face by going to church every Sunday and going to devotional. It is amazing let me tell you. I never thought I would get my patriarchal blessing like hello! That has been a blessing in itself.
 
It has not been an easy two semesters. That is so why I am thankful for great friends and priesthood!  blessings! Never have I realized that those are Heavenly Father speaking to you until this semester till I was basically drowning.

The church is so true. Things happen for a reason and it may not seem easy but it is gonna be worth it if it isn't easy. He hears your prayers and answers them. It may not be in the time frame that you want but He answers them.

I have learned that Heavenly Father has a plan for me. It may not be sometimes what I want in life but I am slowly coming to terms that everything that happens for a reason. Sometimes life does not go as planned and it doesn't work out in your favor. Life moves on to bigger and better things.

Honestly though, I wouldn't change anything for the world. I have a group of friends who are amazing. One is graduating. One is going on a mission. One is getting married and the other is going to New York for the Hill Cumorah Pagent. It is gonna be super weird when squad shrinks in the fall I won't lie when it honestly makes me super sad.

People are placed in your lives for a reason. I know I would not change the dumb puns in the middle of Walmart and the short jokes beyond short jokes and trips to Idaho Falls almost every weekend for the world. I wouldn't change the moments where I laughed till I cried. No seriously it has happened like three times and it hurts but its worth it.

I love Idaho for the reason where I am not the same person I was when I left Ohio. I am so thankful for it.

I am going to miss Rexburg a bit but I am beyond ready to go back to Ohio.

-Kyrsten

Doubt Your Doubts Before You Doubt Your Faith

For the last couple of weeks, I have constantly heard the phrase from President Uchtdorf, "Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith."

I have heard that phrase used in Sacrament and Relief Society and home teaching and just everywhere. I love that phrase so much and it recently struck me of how I really need to be doubting my doubts before I doubt my faith.

I recently got a huge answer about something that I have pondering about for the last couple of weeks and it honestly took a good two people for me to start thinking about it again. This time I honestly felt like it was the right thing to do.

Except for it honestly scared the complete crap out of me. I knew it was right. I was excited about it. Yet here I was nervous for what was going to come out of it.

I became nervous about what was going to happen down the road and not what was in front of me. I guess you could say that I am scared for how it isn't just gonna affect me but other people too.

It is crazy what happens when you finally get that answer and it comes unexpectedly. Mine came from a stake conference session that people told me that I was crazy to go to because I could've done better things with my time.

Honestly? I probably could have but man am I glad I went to stake conference last weekend.

Being scared of following a prompting is Satan's way of being like nope you shouldn't do this you know you are not worth it. I have come to realize that not following a prompting is not a good idea. I have had so many blessings in the worst times but following just the simple promptings.

Hello there I am totally worth it. I can't doubt my faith especially with how far I have come.

I am not going to lie when I say that I am excited and totally freaked out all at the same time. Hey lets be real you don't grow from the inside of your comfort zone. I have learned that a whole bunch since being here in Idaho!

I really have realized that I need to face my fears head on. How I am going to do that? No idea yet but only time will tell what happens.

As long as I have faith and trust in the Lord's plan for me, I should be good!

Until next time!

-Kyrsten

36

In 36 kinda short but long days I will be back in the Great Ohio!

I can't begin to explain how excited I am.

Ohio is home. As much as I probably threw a fit how much I hated Ohio(sorry friends) when I was in high school or middle school, I love it.

Okay funny story before I get into this. I was wearing a Utah State shirt(don't hate me) and I was at a ward social thing and this kid comes up to me. He asked me if I was from Logan and I kinda laughed and was like no I know people who go there though. He was kinda confused and was like oh I was just wondering my brother just graduated from there. He then proceeded to ask me where I was from and I was like oh I'm from Ohio. Then he kinda freaked out and asked me why it seemed like everyone at BYUI was from Ohio.

Um? So theres my funny story from the last little while.

I am so not afraid to show my Ohio pride. It is especially hard to keep it in when you have an Ohio flag in your room and two of your roommates are from Ohio(funny how that works out right?).

I can't wait to go home and see what the heck is in store for me next. Well I kinda have a clue but that is for me to know and for you guys to find out at a latter time.

We had stake conference last weekend which was so amazing!

I defiantly got an answer to a question I have had for the last couple of weeks. I was so grateful to hear from members of the 70 and shake their hands! My advice to everyone is don't skip out on stake conference just because your regular church meetings aren't held! It was literally just what I needed.

This week or well the last two weeks, I have been trying to work on being more grateful for the blessings I have in my life. I have been so angry about things that are out of my control and its not healthy.

So I am going to end this with a couple of things I am grateful for!

1) The Gospel. I would not have survived the last few weeks without it
2) My best friends. You know who you are. Thanks for listening to me rant and rave about the same things
3) My family. Can't wait to see them
4) BYUI  Don't know what I would do without this cold but great place

I love you all! I promise I will try to blog more. Sorry this wasn't too entertaining!

-Kyrsten

Patience in the kindest way

For the last month or so, all I have wanted is to be more patient.

I have been trying to be patient when it comes to answers and waiting for texts from people but nothing. I was at my wits end. I was on my knees basically begging to learn how to be more patient because I knew I needed it but I didn't know how.

I got an unexpected answer in the form of a mistake. You may think that it doesn't make any sense but just continue to read and trust me it makes sense eventually.

When you mess up and hurt the people who you are close to it sucks. Especially when you try to hide from the consequences. It just makes things worse. Especially wen they end up not really wanting to talk to you. Then(in my case) all you wanna do is tell them stuff that is going on in your life because that is what you do. Like how you ran into one of the last people you would want to see walking home the other night. Or the fact that all you want to do is go home. 


Answers and lessons come in so many ways. Always tell the truth even when it sucks. Never hide stuff from the people who are dear to your heart because not talking to them when you need them sucks more than anything. Almost losing one of your best friends because of something ridiculously stupid is not worth going almost stir crazy in your apartment because you have no life.

Patience is a virtue. Oh man I have learned that. Giving someone the space and time that they need to adjust and trying to figure out stuff is important.

Funny how you realize that you are being taught a lesson through a huge trial. You just have to pray and have hope and the faith that you are going to come out stronger from this.

Learn from my mistake. Don't be stupid. Just the summary of that. It almost cost me something dear to me and I would do anything to fix it.

Much love!

-Kyrsten

Opportunities

Funny because roughly a week and a half ago I was like okay I am done and im going to Ohio in April.

I was so dead set on going home. I told everyone in the world basically I was going home. I was so excited. I had a countdown on my phone. And yesterday I even told my friends how long I had left here in Idaho.

I prayed this morning that I needed something good to happen. I just felt like I needed to say that so I did and went on with my day.

Well, funny story.

It was a couple of hours later I got a phone call. It was an unknown number with an area code from Salt Lake. In my mind I was like who the heck is calling me from Salt Lake. And I felt the need to answer it so I did.

Summary of that is it was a company that I applied for a couple of weeks ago when I was basically giving up on the whole job search thing and ready to just go back to Ohio. Basically they conducted a phone interview with me and then told me they wanted to have a face to face interview me on Wednesday!

Obviously Heavenly Father heard my prayers loud and clear and answered them with a full force.

I thought the timing was funny because I got a blessing yesterday from the Elder Quorum presidency in my ward and he mentioned about how I need to not give up looking for a job and that I will be blessed eventually.

So why am I blogging about it before Wednesday? Because one of my best friends already freaked out and my parents kinda gave me the whole freak out. So I decided why not share it with the world.

It makes me even more grateful for the priesthood and for priesthood blessings. I don't think anything would've happened if I didn't follow the prompting that I needed to get a blessing.

Prayers are answered if we have faith and have patience. I know I really need to work on patience but its so worth it when it comes to our prayers being answers.

To all my Ohio friends! I love you all and I will be back in the Great Ohio at some point!

Until next time!

-Kyrsten

Not Giving Up

My high school choir teacher had this flag on his wall that said, "Don't Give Up. Don't Ever Give Up."

I never realized how important that saying is until now.

I heard it throughout school and it struck me. But at the same time, I was like yes don't give up things are gonna be fine. Perfect right?

This quote came to me today as I was listening to people talk about their struggles and how they got through them. It made me realize how I was in their shoes a couple of weeks ago and all I wanted to do was give up. Life wasn't good and I was struggling so bad. I was getting advice and council from friends and loved ones and I was praying but at the same time I was getting nothing.

It wasn't until right now that I realized that giving up was the right thing to do in that situation. Trials end up making us so much stronger.

We hear that all the time, "Trials make us stronger. Be patient. I laugh at the word patience because I am not patience at all. I will totally admit that. I normally want things now and I wish I didn't have to wait for them.

Then the still small voice always whispers to me, "Be patient the time will come. Whenever I get that answer I am like what I need more than that!

Everyone is struggling with something. We have to be there for them in times of need. We also need to be patient with our future beings.

Even though I am slowly really slowly learning patience, I've come to realize I am so much stronger after recent trials. Even though I really wanted to just break down and give up I didn't. It is amazing what happens when we trust in ourselves just a little bit.

It was so worth it. Especially with the blessings I have received and the ones I am going to receive from it.

I am not going to lie when I say I am so freaked out by the future and what it could be. Only time will tell. I guess the things that freak us out the most are worth it right? Ha we will see. I have faith everything will work out eventually.

I know as long as we keep preserving and not giving up everything will work out in the end.

Until next time!

-Kyrsten 

Faith Over Fear

Originally I had this huge blog post about my week all in a draft.

Well plot twist.

I changed the title and the content so enjoy this instead 

The last two weeks have been the hardest weeks of my life. I have never been so mentally/physically/spiritually exhausted. I was pushed to the breaking point.

I couldn't really enjoy much of the last couple of weeks because everything in a way sucked.

I was losing faith in so much. It hurt. I tried talking to my friends and emailing my other friends. I even tried calling my mom and I kept coming up short.

I really did not know what to do. Everything kept piling on. It was like the situation kept coming up again and again.

It finally came to the point where I just needed outside help. I got council from who I feel like could give me council. After that I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders.

It wasn't even a long conversation. Basically the summary of it was that I need to count my blessings and move on.

I realized tonight well actually a good fifteen minutes or so ago that I need to have faith over fear. I have more faith then I realize sometimes. If I didn't, I don't think I would've made it through the last two weeks.

I got through two of the worst weeks I have had in awhile. And I know I probably say this everytime I go through something but honestly this was so rough.

I am so much stronger after this. I am going to do what is going to make me happy and what is going to make me better for the future.

I have to be honest with myself and those around me. If they don't like it or accept it then that is all on them.

I still have so much to work on with myself. It is going to take time and effort but holy crap I am worth it and I am strong with it. I am an amazing Daughter of God and I am finally now starting to believe it.

-Kyrsten

Recovery

I have never ever been open about my personal struggles.

Whenever it was mentioned, I would just mention how I went through a huge rough period of my life and that was it simple as the fact.

But heck I am so proud of myself for the strides I have made in the last two years.

I had a hard time opening up to someone recently about myself and such. It was rough. I did not feel good enough at all. It tore me apart.

I was talking to my friend about it and I was like I have come so far to come up short. He told me how proud of me he was for everything I have accomplished in the last two years.

I was so miserable a couple of years ago. I kinda hated most things that existed. I wasn't happy with myself or how my life was going.

Then the gospel happened and I am happier than ever.

I could be happier. I have so much to work on myself. I need to be more patient with myself and I need to learn to let people in. Oh man that is a struggle.

This is so hard to actually write out but it needs to be said.

I used to be afraid of my scars and afraid of my past. I am scared that maybe I will get judged for what I went through years ago.

But you know what. I am so proud. I never thought I would be blogging about my recovery. There was a tweet awhile ago about recovery and I felt a prompting to share about my recovery. That was the first step honestly.

It is so scary to talk about it. I don't want anyone's pity because I am publicly talking about it. I also don't want people to think I am doing it for attention. I am doing it because I need to do this for myself.

I had to look at myself this morning and tell myself that I was good enough and that I am worth it. Someday ill able to go into much more detail about it and be more comfortable.

Today I am comfortable with sharing that I have been self-harm free for two years.

It is crazy in what happens in two years but it gets better. Recovery isn't easy. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I still have days where I am sad and it sucks so much. But it is the best decision that I ever made in my life.

It gets so much better. Don't ever forget that you are worth it and you are good enough.

-Kyrsten

Honestly and Patience

What a crazy week it has been!

My best friend comes home in almost two weeks. I can't even deal. I am so excited for him to come home. It will be great to be able to talk to him on a regular basis.

Anyways, that is not the point of why I blogged.

I really like blogging and reflecting about what has happened in the last week.

Trying to learn how to adjust on how to deal with living with six other girls is becoming slightly easier. I love most of my roommates. We are bonded and they have also seen me have a typical Kyrsten freak out its kinda funny. 

Ive actually bonded with my roommates this week. It has been really good we have had lots of laughs and such and its been fun.

Actually talking to my roommates made me realize how some of my problems don't even matter that much. Like sometimes  I think what I go through is so bad and then I listen to some of the stuff that my roommates go through and I am like holy crap that is crazy.

It really got me thinking this week of how grateful for even the little things in my life. I emailed my best friend Friday like I normally do and I just sent him the longest email about it. I told him of how I am so grateful for the friends that keep me sane and for the family that supports me from over 1000 miles away. I am so lucky for everything that I have in my life. It is so amazing what can truly open your eyes.

I had another huge moment this week! Well this weekend but same difference. I won't go into huge detail about it but something special put me into perspective a bit. I realized that I honestly really need to stop hiding from how I feel and I need to be honest about things.

And so Saturday I was really confused and conflicted about a whole bunch of things and I prayed and prayed. I literally begged Heavenly Father what to do Friday night and Saturday morning. Saturday morning I got the prompting to go sit in the temple and to take my journal with me.

So I wrote in my journal and I felt the Spirit just talking to me through what I was writing. It was amazing and wonderful feeling. I heard the words that I needed to be honest and I needed to start preparing myself for the future.

And so later that day, I was honest with the people I needed to be and I didn't hold back. I said exactly how I felt and Heavenly Father truly blessed with me in the conversation.

It didn't end badly at all and who knows about a future with that whole thing. Constant prayer and regular temple attendance with this thing is on my list.

Also I was talking to my dad about everything like I always do. He is one of my top three people to go to when major things happen like this. He told me he was proud of me and that I was making the right decisions and such. He also told me I was growing up and such and I was like aww.

 I TURN 19 IN A WEEK FROM TODAY LIKE WHAT NO THANKS FRIEND. I literally woke up yesterday morning and was not a fan of this whole growing up thing. That was the kind of day I was having. Not the point...

It is still crazy everything that has happened this week. I guess what I am trying to say is always have the Spirit and make sure you are thinking clearly. I have learned so much this week and I know the rest of the semester is going to be more of a learning experience.

Have a great week!

-Kyrsten

Waiting Paitently

Happy 2016!

I realized that I haven;t blogged at all this year so hello everyone!

We are 12 days into this new year and so much crazy stuff has already happened!

I don't know where to start okay.

I am currently living in an apartment with six other girls. Yes you read it right. Six. I went from having one roommate to six. Funny how that works. Oh two of my roommates are from Ohio! A different stake but still. 

I literally had an anxiety attack last Tuesday because I didn't know how the heck I was going to bond with my roommates when I only lived with one roommate last semester and we didn't really talk.

Heavenly Father answered that one pretty quick. I got called as Family Home Evening Leader yesterday. So basically I have to plan activities with my co-leader( who doesn't know what he is doing as much as I do so it should be an interesting semester) and make sure we feel the spirit and abide by the rules here at BYUI. As the people in the YSA call it. I am a FHE mom to 17 kids.

I have been kinda freaking out about my calling and kinda bonding with my roommates and such. Sunday, there was a worldwide devotional by President Nelson of the Quorum of the 12 Apostles. I am not kidding you when I tell you that I really think that he was speaking to me! I had so many of my prayers answers in that devotional that night. Heavenly Father truly answers prayers.

Callings are giving to each person for a reason. We are expected to be prepared to do the impossible. And in my case be FHE mom. It is such a challenge especially because I have no idea what I am doing. But I realized that I was supposed to get this calling and it meant for me to grow outside of my comfort zone. That was a pretty sweet realization Sunday night.

One thing that I realized that I really need to work on this year is patience. It is such an important skill that is vital in the work. Yet, I am not the most patient person.

One example is that one of my best friends is coming home from his mission super soon and it is literally driving me insane haha. Like I am so excited that I am just ready for him to come home yet he has a little under a month left. I cannot make time go any faster for him or me even though I won't see him for awhile when hes home. Not the point.

I have to be patient with whats to come and patient with what is around.

It is something to work on that is for sure.

I am so excited for this year. I have a good feeling that this year is gonna bring a lot of good things.

-Kyrsten