I should be sleeping but ya know the drill.
I went off my medications about a month and a half ago due to insurance reasons and it has been the toughest battle. I want to talk about because I feel like so many people need insight on how to handle people better who have mental illnesses and so forth.
Lately, my anxiety has been through the roof. I started a new job, moved into a new apartment, basically started over. I have never been so awkward in my life. I get so anxious when meeting new people. I get anxious about things that are not in my control(thanks ocd youd the real friend).
It has been hard to say the least.
It has been a lot on my mind a lot because I recently moved into a new apartment and I just am so anti social it kinda hurts. I feel so bad because honestly I don't have bad roommates, I mean we are a week in things might change. I am so kidding honestly but real talk. They seem great people and I know I am not gonna get screwed over couple months down the road like I did last time. My anxiety is so bad that today I got excited for saying hi and what not. I may have not made eye contact cause I was heading straight for my room but hey little victories?
I also feel like my anxiety attacks me a lot at work and I feel like that shows. For those who don't know well sorry actually most of you don't because I finally can blog when I want. Anyways, I got a job at a little convenience store in town and it has a deli that I am working in. It is crazy because I never saw myself working in a deli. Never saw myself cutting meat or doing anything like that. I love doing customer service and I always veered towards that.
At work, I will think I got something down and I get confident and ether someone will look at me the wrong way or someone does it maybe in a better/faster way and bam there goes my confidence and I will dwell like no tomorrow on it. It sucks but it is life.
Not having meds has really made me think and dwell on my mental illness alot. It makes me realize I took healthcare for advantage and how sometimes I really need to get my life together and sometimes I need help. I hate asking for help.
Saying that though, I have the best people in my life. I have people who for the most part understand mental illness. And honestly when I say most part I feel like no one truly understands mental illness because everyone is so different. Everyone reacts different and has different levels of how things truly make them feel. When the people in my life don't understand, I surely help them to make sure that they do and it helps the both of them out.
This isn't a post in the slightest of pitty and just saying "Oh i have anxiety" It is a struggle and it is an experience. It used to be something that my early teen self would sit in the basement and cry because I swore up and down no one understood me. I don't want anyone feeling that way so I branch out when I can and share my story through my blog because that is the easiest for me.
Wednesday, August 15, 2018
Two Years: Revisted
I have attempted to write a blog post like this but it has actually just come to this conclusion so here goes. And before people accuse me of whatever, just read the rest!
2 years ago I fell harder than ever. Over the last two years, I watched this guy change into someone I completely loved and looked up to. No matter what I was doing with my life, who was in it, he was in the back of my mind. Writing this is actually one of the hardest things I have had to do other than sending him off on his mission. I actually never thought I would have to write this but life has taken so many different directions.
I have struggled with everything under the sun in the last two years. Relationships(friends, family, dating), mental health, living situations, people you name it basically but he stayed. Every week minus 8 ish was something whether it was an email saying "Keep going" or a message saying "Hi" it happened. I was grateful. Though the tears, small victories, the large victories, and the trials he was there.
I watched my 19 year old best friend serve Mexico with all of his heart and fall in love serving the Lord as I fell with him. He knew how I felt and that's what I used to keep going. I told myself I'd get that chance. I mean he HAD to give the girl who wrote him for two years. Who knew.
He didn't and he doesn't. That honestly was a hard pill to swallow. A new scripture from the Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 2:27 talks about agency and the willing to make choices. He has the choice whether or not to talk to me and do whatever he wants. I can't wait around for that choice.
In the last 2 years I have struggled with religion. I basically became a model for Anti-Mormons. I drank, I got tattoos, I stopped going to church and basically laughed at religion. He knew this and regardless he sent me scriptures and talks by leaders. Today, I find myself as what I call a progressing inactive. I am learning again about my faith and sometimes struggling but believing in God and His power. I meet with the local missionaries, pray when I remember and read my scriptures. I always thought he would be the one beside me but it is what it is. As I go back to church, I realize I am doing this for myself not for him. I wouldn't be able to do it without so many great people in my life.
The future is unknown. I sent off a boy who returned with honor and what happened happened. I am struggling to find the words to say but loving that boy for the last two years has been beyond crazy and self discovering. I'm thankful and sad but at the end of the day I am so glad I loved someone like him.
At the end of the day, maybe God put him in my life just for him to help through the bad so I could get through it. Who knows. I will forever thank God for giving me someone like him to love.
2 years ago I fell harder than ever. Over the last two years, I watched this guy change into someone I completely loved and looked up to. No matter what I was doing with my life, who was in it, he was in the back of my mind. Writing this is actually one of the hardest things I have had to do other than sending him off on his mission. I actually never thought I would have to write this but life has taken so many different directions.
I have struggled with everything under the sun in the last two years. Relationships(friends, family, dating), mental health, living situations, people you name it basically but he stayed. Every week minus 8 ish was something whether it was an email saying "Keep going" or a message saying "Hi" it happened. I was grateful. Though the tears, small victories, the large victories, and the trials he was there.
I watched my 19 year old best friend serve Mexico with all of his heart and fall in love serving the Lord as I fell with him. He knew how I felt and that's what I used to keep going. I told myself I'd get that chance. I mean he HAD to give the girl who wrote him for two years. Who knew.
He didn't and he doesn't. That honestly was a hard pill to swallow. A new scripture from the Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 2:27 talks about agency and the willing to make choices. He has the choice whether or not to talk to me and do whatever he wants. I can't wait around for that choice.
In the last 2 years I have struggled with religion. I basically became a model for Anti-Mormons. I drank, I got tattoos, I stopped going to church and basically laughed at religion. He knew this and regardless he sent me scriptures and talks by leaders. Today, I find myself as what I call a progressing inactive. I am learning again about my faith and sometimes struggling but believing in God and His power. I meet with the local missionaries, pray when I remember and read my scriptures. I always thought he would be the one beside me but it is what it is. As I go back to church, I realize I am doing this for myself not for him. I wouldn't be able to do it without so many great people in my life.
The future is unknown. I sent off a boy who returned with honor and what happened happened. I am struggling to find the words to say but loving that boy for the last two years has been beyond crazy and self discovering. I'm thankful and sad but at the end of the day I am so glad I loved someone like him.
At the end of the day, maybe God put him in my life just for him to help through the bad so I could get through it. Who knows. I will forever thank God for giving me someone like him to love.
Thursday, August 2, 2018
To The Boy I’m Letting Go.
I should’ve written this months ago. I should’ve realized months ago that nothing was gonna work out. Yet I still had hope that it was gonna work out. I still prayed every single day that at the end of the day you would choose me.
Now I realize that maybe I dreamt of this reality of you and me. That was my mistake. I had so many dreams about you and me, I thought that maybe it would work. Maybe at the end of this you would tell me that you’ve been feeling the same way the entire time.
I’ve waited and waited and I can’t do it anymore. It’s taken all of me to write this. It’s taken all of me to take off my necklace and push it to the side. I want to sell it but I’m scared and I don’t want to let go. Part of me thinks that maybe if I get rid of it then something will happen.
People tell me to give it time and that I should be hopeful. I’ve given it most of the time that I’ve had and it’s gotten me no where. I can’t wait around any longer. I loved you when I didn’t love myself. I keep trying to think of reasons why this didn’t work and I have a list but at the end of the day I’m still defending you when I shouldn’t.
Read this or not I don’t care. I am doing this for myself. I’m doing this so I can stop spending nights thinking about what if. I’m doing this to finally stop being sad about what is never gonna happen.
Maybe someday I’ll find someone like you and they won’t hurt me the way you did. Maybe I will not be haunted by the ghost of you. Maybe I can finally delete all the photos. I pray you find some happiness and peace in your life. I kinda hope one day you’ll realize what you did. I don’t expect an apology.
One day I’ll be fine. Until then, goodbye.
-Kyrsten
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