I'm always open and maybe sometimes that gets me in trouble but oh well here goes.
My ugly friend is named Depression. Depression is hands down my worst nightmare. It starts from the moment I wake up to the moment I close my eyes at the end of the day.
It tells me how awful of a person I am and how I don't deserve much attention. When I call one of the people who is in my support system my stomach drops in anxiety and sigh the moment it goes to voicemail. My voicemail is pitiful as I just think another person doesn't have the time for me.
I talk to my friends in Ohio who have decided that I am not worth their time and same goes to some of my friends in the west. When did I become like this?
It's suddenly one am and I realize at some point I need to sleep but my mind goes on to everything that has happened. It is snowy and cold and I wish to be somewhere else but where? I tell myself that the next two months won't be the hardest of my life. I tell myself that if I can get through this I can get through
I look at my medications like a chore. I take them in the morning and in the evening because let's be real I wouldn't be a person without my medicine. I am a girl who is hopeful with life but also knows that nothing works in my favor.
My depression looks me dead in the eye and smiles because most days it wins. It has me sleeping all the time and confined in my bed. It has me wishing for attention and comfort from anyone who will give it.
My battle has been going on for years and years. I remember at the end of each other for as long as I can remember I would tell myself that next year would be next because I would beat my depression. Silly me for thinking I could actually beat my depression. My depression has taken a front seat in my life. Most days it tells me how I should feel and how I should act.
Depression is scary and it sucks the life out of you. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I remember wanting to serve an LDS mission and I couldn't because my depression couldn't get under control.
Five meds later and doctors every month I'm okay, I have a support system. Having mental health issues makes you realize who your real friends are and it sucks but at the same time it isn't.
I will never be friends with my depression. I am at the point as I will never be friends with my depression but I have to learn to deal with it and move forward with my life.
My battle isn't far from over but I am ready to fight.
Friday, December 22, 2017
Sunday, December 10, 2017
two thousand and seventeen
Hands down the worst year of my life and I am not gonna sit here and sugar coat it.
Spotify came out with a playlist of songs that basically defined 2017. In my opinion, it is post breakup/post hospitalization.
I'm gonna post at least 5-10 of my absolute favorite and explain how they pertain to this year.
Mr. Brightside- The Killers
Mr. Brightside is one of those songs that you find yourself dancing to after a long day. I think I was shown this song by my ex and for the longest time I couldn't listen to it. It made me sad listening to it. Then one day I found myself singing and almost crying because the song no longer had a negative connotation to it.
F U Till I F U -Call Me Karizma
I found myself spending days crying to this song. This song is one of my all time favorites. I mean you would think since I have the lyrics, "I'm gonna love you forever that's just my curse it's whatever." tattooed. I related this to my failed engagement more than anything. I still find myself loving my ex. He put me through so much stuff this year that I had to relearn who I was and how to start over after something new. It hurt like hell. He hated me at the time and sometimes I thought he was the only person I thought I could turn to.
The Scientist - Coldplay
It wasn't good enough I figured out. "Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard. Oh take me back to the start." I cried even more. I wanted all of it back. I told people to hang on to the love they had because I was stupid enough to ruin it. That was my biggest regret. I wanted him back more than anything. I sent him message after message. I begged and pleaded for just one more chance. I remember being in the hospital and getting off the phone and crying. Crying till my head hurt and my friends holding me because I was sobbing against a wall. I remember praying to God that I would one day get it back but I never will.
Swim- Jack's Mannequin
2017 has been more than heartbreak. I wanted to die. I told my parents straight up that I wanted to end it all.This year I ended up in the mental hospital twice. One in Mansfield and the other in Marion. It was like I got another chance to live. Without the help especially the second time around, I may not have been alive to tell my story. It wasn't until I saw on twiter that a mutual friend was listening to this band. I played this song and yes I broke out in tears. I realized that this song was my anthem to keep going.
Boys Like You- Anna Clendening
This song is my anthem now when it comes to relationships. I have dated my fair share of people this year. Two of them have really made me evaluate myself and how I trust. They both have made me very skeptical of getting hurt. Very commitment phobic now. They made me both believe that I could get it right this time and with them I didn't. They both ended up hurting me. I thought they were both different and it sucked.
Stay Together- Noah Cyrus
I love Noah Cyrus. I became a huge fan of hers after Made Me Cry and Stay Together. Everytime I listened to Stay Together I had this feeling that I was on top of the world. I could do whatever. I felt like I was kinda invincible and that rocked. I did some stupid stuff while listening to this song. But feeling a little bit on top of the world and smiling and laughing made up for whatever I did.
Black & Blue -Call Me Karizma
First of all, Call Me Karizma is one of my favorite artists and his music always puts me in a mood. At first, I listened to this song when I couldn't get one person off my mind and now I listen to this song when I think of a couple of people who decided they didn't want to stay in my life. Half of me says it's their faults and it is their fault for walking out of my life but at the same time it hurt. I remember crying to my sisters because my best friend choose his girlfriend over being friends with me. That hurt like hell especially after developing feelings and having that person tell you that they want you and then go around and choose someone else.
2017
There's a million things I could say. I've fallen in love and fallen apart. I am slowly putting myself back together. My life could've been so different if I just didn't make stupid decisions. Am I punishing myself for what happened? All the time. 2017 has been the worst of my life. I am constantly reminded of everything and I realize one day things will be good.
Until then, I keep moving on. Here's to hopefully a better 2018.
Spotify came out with a playlist of songs that basically defined 2017. In my opinion, it is post breakup/post hospitalization.
I'm gonna post at least 5-10 of my absolute favorite and explain how they pertain to this year.
Mr. Brightside- The Killers
Mr. Brightside is one of those songs that you find yourself dancing to after a long day. I think I was shown this song by my ex and for the longest time I couldn't listen to it. It made me sad listening to it. Then one day I found myself singing and almost crying because the song no longer had a negative connotation to it.
F U Till I F U -Call Me Karizma
I found myself spending days crying to this song. This song is one of my all time favorites. I mean you would think since I have the lyrics, "I'm gonna love you forever that's just my curse it's whatever." tattooed. I related this to my failed engagement more than anything. I still find myself loving my ex. He put me through so much stuff this year that I had to relearn who I was and how to start over after something new. It hurt like hell. He hated me at the time and sometimes I thought he was the only person I thought I could turn to.
The Scientist - Coldplay
It wasn't good enough I figured out. "Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard. Oh take me back to the start." I cried even more. I wanted all of it back. I told people to hang on to the love they had because I was stupid enough to ruin it. That was my biggest regret. I wanted him back more than anything. I sent him message after message. I begged and pleaded for just one more chance. I remember being in the hospital and getting off the phone and crying. Crying till my head hurt and my friends holding me because I was sobbing against a wall. I remember praying to God that I would one day get it back but I never will.
Swim- Jack's Mannequin
2017 has been more than heartbreak. I wanted to die. I told my parents straight up that I wanted to end it all.This year I ended up in the mental hospital twice. One in Mansfield and the other in Marion. It was like I got another chance to live. Without the help especially the second time around, I may not have been alive to tell my story. It wasn't until I saw on twiter that a mutual friend was listening to this band. I played this song and yes I broke out in tears. I realized that this song was my anthem to keep going.
Boys Like You- Anna Clendening
This song is my anthem now when it comes to relationships. I have dated my fair share of people this year. Two of them have really made me evaluate myself and how I trust. They both have made me very skeptical of getting hurt. Very commitment phobic now. They made me both believe that I could get it right this time and with them I didn't. They both ended up hurting me. I thought they were both different and it sucked.
Stay Together- Noah Cyrus
I love Noah Cyrus. I became a huge fan of hers after Made Me Cry and Stay Together. Everytime I listened to Stay Together I had this feeling that I was on top of the world. I could do whatever. I felt like I was kinda invincible and that rocked. I did some stupid stuff while listening to this song. But feeling a little bit on top of the world and smiling and laughing made up for whatever I did.
Black & Blue -Call Me Karizma
First of all, Call Me Karizma is one of my favorite artists and his music always puts me in a mood. At first, I listened to this song when I couldn't get one person off my mind and now I listen to this song when I think of a couple of people who decided they didn't want to stay in my life. Half of me says it's their faults and it is their fault for walking out of my life but at the same time it hurt. I remember crying to my sisters because my best friend choose his girlfriend over being friends with me. That hurt like hell especially after developing feelings and having that person tell you that they want you and then go around and choose someone else.
2017
There's a million things I could say. I've fallen in love and fallen apart. I am slowly putting myself back together. My life could've been so different if I just didn't make stupid decisions. Am I punishing myself for what happened? All the time. 2017 has been the worst of my life. I am constantly reminded of everything and I realize one day things will be good.
Until then, I keep moving on. Here's to hopefully a better 2018.
Sunday, December 3, 2017
My Sexuality and Why it Doesn't Matter
Because my sexuality is a huge issue apparently I am gonna set the record straight!
Now before you think that oh she is just curious, I have never kissed a girl or gone on a date yet but I have had feelings for girls. I look at girls way differently now.
That is just who I am.
Someone asked me why I didn't keep it private. I have nothing to be ashamed of. That same person told me that I should've kept it quiet because I've post it a lot about it on twitter.
I feel like my sexuality shouldn't matter. I actually had this discussion from my cool friend Sean(dont hate me for including you in my post.). He read my tweets and he asked me straight up and I told him the truth and he was like well that's cool. He didn't judge or make a big deal about it. Thank you Sean!
I don't care. If my dad's ex girlfriends daughter wants to tell people go for it. If my ex boyfriend never wants to talk to me again after this blog post go for it.
Realizing that i am bisexual has made me a lot happier. I feel like I know myself just a little bit better after realizing it. Life hasn't changed a bunch and dating is still hard. I also still suck at dating but ya know life is life.
psa: I will probably blogging in December because I have a huge mouth and no one can keep me away from blogging
-Kyrsten
I have always been into guys. It has always been really passionate. Heck I was even engaged.
Dating for me lately has sucked. Like majorly. It has ether been guys have blown me off or just treated me like complete crap. I use the dating app Tinder to meet people in Ohio and here in Vermont.
I have a lot of friends who are in the LGBTQ community and I support them 1000% percent. Some of them are my closest friends.
Well one day, I was super curious about going on dates with girls. Im a huge flirt and so I was like why not? So I changed my tinder settings so guys and girls and didn't look back.
Now before you think that oh she is just curious, I have never kissed a girl or gone on a date yet but I have had feelings for girls. I look at girls way differently now.
That is just who I am.
Someone asked me why I didn't keep it private. I have nothing to be ashamed of. That same person told me that I should've kept it quiet because I've post it a lot about it on twitter.
I feel like my sexuality shouldn't matter. I actually had this discussion from my cool friend Sean(dont hate me for including you in my post.). He read my tweets and he asked me straight up and I told him the truth and he was like well that's cool. He didn't judge or make a big deal about it. Thank you Sean!
I don't care. If my dad's ex girlfriends daughter wants to tell people go for it. If my ex boyfriend never wants to talk to me again after this blog post go for it.
Realizing that i am bisexual has made me a lot happier. I feel like I know myself just a little bit better after realizing it. Life hasn't changed a bunch and dating is still hard. I also still suck at dating but ya know life is life.
psa: I will probably blogging in December because I have a huge mouth and no one can keep me away from blogging
-Kyrsten
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