"I'm gonna love you forever that's just my curse it's whatever."
Those lyrics are tattooed on my right forearm. They are song lyrics from the song, "F U Till I F U" by Call Me Karizma
People think that is because of my ex fiance. People who don't know me assume it is because of a broken relationship. I am not gonna sit here and lie when I say I don't think of my ex or because of another broken relationship.
I've loved a handful of people in my life. A few I dated and a few not. Those people I do think of every once in awhile. When I love someone, I love them hard. There is always tears shed or just something.
It is a curse. Cue my point. I heard this song and it spoke to me. It made me think of all the people I have ever loved in my life. I thought that I would always love them a little bit. It's whatever. That is the reason why I got that tattoo. I got it for every person in my life that I spent loving them no mater how much I did.
Now lets talk about the elephant in the room that everyone thinks it is about.
I fell in love when I was nineteen years old. I just had gotten out of a controlling relationship and I was hanging out with this guy from work. We started seeing each other and things were great. He knew everything about me and I knew everything about him. My family loved him and his family loved me(I hope)
We talked about a future and I could see a future with him. He proposed and I said yes. I screwed it up. I did somethings that will haunt me for the rest of my life. We tried to work things out and it ended up not working out.
It broke my heart. I will never forget moving out and crying my eyes out.
It still breaks my heart but from what I have learned you can't force someone to love you. You can't force them to come back to you no matter what. Love is complicated and scary and crazy.
I love that blue eyed boy still and everyone knows it. You can't just forget eleven months just magically. But he is not the reason for my tattoo. I got my tattoo for everyone who has a little piece of my heart.
I have meaning and reasoning for my tattoos. I look at them every single day and reflect on it.
Friday, October 20, 2017
Tuesday, October 17, 2017
Me Too
May 18th.
I wanted to share my story because it still hurts but I want people to know that they are not alone in their struggles.
I was casually seeing this guy.
I remember we got into an argument about something and he started drinking. I told him to stop drinking and just come over. He came over roughly an hour later. We sat on my bed and I could smell the alcohol.
I told him when he came over that we were not going to mess around like he wanted. So instead we ordered some food and watched some tv. After we ate, we started kissing and all of a sudden some of my clothes were off.
I was in so much shock that I didn't say no. I thought that when I told him no when he walked in that it would be enough. It should've been enough. Afterwards, he fell asleep.
I went to the bathroom and cried. I realized that what had happened was something I didn't want. I remember texting my best friend at the time and telling him that I thought I was sexuality assaulted and I cried even more. Telling him hurt so bad.
The next day I woke up him and he left and it really sunk in. I was in so much pain that I went to urgent care and they told me that my cervix was severely bruised. They gave me medicine and that was that.
That Saturday I was still in severe pain and so I went to the ER after painfully telling my dad the day before I got raped. I remember going to his house and before actually going we drove to the park. I told him not to freak out and I said the words for the first time, "I was raped."
I will never ever forget that ER visit. They did an STD panel to make sure that I was okay. I told them it was just rough sex and that I was just in pain. Of course, they probably figured what had happened but I didn't want to tell them I got raped. At the time, I just wanted him gone and I didn't want to press charges.
They gave me this shot. The needle itself did not hurt but it was the medicine going into my leg that made me cry for fifteen minutes because I was in so much pain in my leg. I remember the panic attack I had because of the pain and the nurse who aftewards asked me if I was the one who she heard crying.
I confronted him about it. He claims to this day that because I didn't say no during it that it wasn't rape.
I was speechless. Who gave you the right to strip someone without consent?
Being a Mormon and being sexuality assaulted is not easy. It is actually one of the hardest things ever. People questioned if it was actually rape or if it was just an excuse to cover up the fact that I had sex. That has made me really question my faith and how I feel about the Church not even going to lie. It made me doubt the fact that God was even looking out for me. I have had members tell me that I wasn't worth it in God's eyes because I wasn't chaste. It wasn't my decision. It wasn't my choice and to this day I get judged for not being the Mormon girl in their eyes.
Why judge someone for something that is out of their control?
For the longest time, I couldn't be in my mom's apartment after I moved out. Being there just sent me back to flashbacks and terrible times. My mom ended up buying the futon that I couldn't go near without almost breaking down because it hurt. It hurt because that futon was something I bought for myself and instead I was taken advantage.
May 18th will forever haunt me.
My story is for those who had similar experiences. My story is for the regret of the charges I didn't file. I knew it was going to be a he said she said case but I still for the sake of me should've. My story is for the people who are not ready to share if ever. You are not alone. You are never alone. Don't ever forget that.
Me too.
I wanted to share my story because it still hurts but I want people to know that they are not alone in their struggles.
I was casually seeing this guy.
I remember we got into an argument about something and he started drinking. I told him to stop drinking and just come over. He came over roughly an hour later. We sat on my bed and I could smell the alcohol.
I told him when he came over that we were not going to mess around like he wanted. So instead we ordered some food and watched some tv. After we ate, we started kissing and all of a sudden some of my clothes were off.
I was in so much shock that I didn't say no. I thought that when I told him no when he walked in that it would be enough. It should've been enough. Afterwards, he fell asleep.
I went to the bathroom and cried. I realized that what had happened was something I didn't want. I remember texting my best friend at the time and telling him that I thought I was sexuality assaulted and I cried even more. Telling him hurt so bad.
The next day I woke up him and he left and it really sunk in. I was in so much pain that I went to urgent care and they told me that my cervix was severely bruised. They gave me medicine and that was that.
That Saturday I was still in severe pain and so I went to the ER after painfully telling my dad the day before I got raped. I remember going to his house and before actually going we drove to the park. I told him not to freak out and I said the words for the first time, "I was raped."
I will never ever forget that ER visit. They did an STD panel to make sure that I was okay. I told them it was just rough sex and that I was just in pain. Of course, they probably figured what had happened but I didn't want to tell them I got raped. At the time, I just wanted him gone and I didn't want to press charges.
They gave me this shot. The needle itself did not hurt but it was the medicine going into my leg that made me cry for fifteen minutes because I was in so much pain in my leg. I remember the panic attack I had because of the pain and the nurse who aftewards asked me if I was the one who she heard crying.
I confronted him about it. He claims to this day that because I didn't say no during it that it wasn't rape.
I was speechless. Who gave you the right to strip someone without consent?
Being a Mormon and being sexuality assaulted is not easy. It is actually one of the hardest things ever. People questioned if it was actually rape or if it was just an excuse to cover up the fact that I had sex. That has made me really question my faith and how I feel about the Church not even going to lie. It made me doubt the fact that God was even looking out for me. I have had members tell me that I wasn't worth it in God's eyes because I wasn't chaste. It wasn't my decision. It wasn't my choice and to this day I get judged for not being the Mormon girl in their eyes.
Why judge someone for something that is out of their control?
For the longest time, I couldn't be in my mom's apartment after I moved out. Being there just sent me back to flashbacks and terrible times. My mom ended up buying the futon that I couldn't go near without almost breaking down because it hurt. It hurt because that futon was something I bought for myself and instead I was taken advantage.
May 18th will forever haunt me.
My story is for those who had similar experiences. My story is for the regret of the charges I didn't file. I knew it was going to be a he said she said case but I still for the sake of me should've. My story is for the people who are not ready to share if ever. You are not alone. You are never alone. Don't ever forget that.
Me too.
Monday, October 9, 2017
To The Blue Eyed Boy
I have been torn apart.
I have spent nights crying my eyes out just wishing you would call me or text me. I finally learned that I can't continue to wait.
I am not the person who fell head over heels for you over a year ago. I am not the girl who waited for every move and put so many things aside for the guy she loved. I remember you telling me that I wasn't the girl you fell in love with and that you missed her.
So what did I do? I tried to be her. I lost myself again and told myself if I became her then I would get you back. That was stupid. So freaken stupid. I wanted to do everything that you wanted so I could have you back.
Why?
I can't change the past and in ways I feel like you want me to magically change the past. You want to play the victim card here and I can't accept. I can say that I know what I did. I know that it hurt but you hurt me.
I lost my best friend. I was told my best friend wasn't going anywhere and he disappeared. He turned into this person who smokes weed and expects way too much out of people. He turned into a person with a chip on his shoulder. I felt bullied into a situation where I was supposed to change so fast.
You hurt me too and I don't think you realize that. "She's prettier than you. She's better than you." "You aren't the same person you were before. I don't miss you."
Words hurt like a knife.
I can't change the past. I feel like you think I have lived this perfect life since you left and my life has been nothing but easy since you have been gone. I remember May 18th all too well. I can't look at a motorcycle the same ever again. My parents got a divorce and I had to be the rock for my siblings.
I've been to treatment twice where both times I was promised I'd have my best friend waiting on the otherside. Both times, that same boy hurt me and he doesn't realize the damage.
You have given me false hope for the happily ever after that is never gonna happen.
"You piss me off. This is why we can't be friends."
I asked if you were okay one day and you yelled at me for not saying hi first.
What happened to the boy with the huge grin and the smile that lit up a room? It is filled with anger and a tone that kills me inside. I can't do the emotional abuse. I can't feel like I am trying when in return I am getting a brick wall that just gives me a longer list of things to do to climb over.
I'm done.
I can't sit here anymore and wish for the blue eyed boy to come back to me. I may not be the girl you fell in love with. That girl went through hell and back with you and you left her there to sink. Your expectations drowned me. I couldn't get back on my own two feet cause everytime I would make a little bit of progress, it wouldn't be good enough. Why wasn't I good enough for you?
She needed someone who help her get back to the top and she wanted you but you never reached out.
The last year of my life was the worst and the best in so many ways and I won't regret it but I won't ever look back again hoping and praying that I'll get that other chance.
From,
The girl who tried.
I have spent nights crying my eyes out just wishing you would call me or text me. I finally learned that I can't continue to wait.
I am not the person who fell head over heels for you over a year ago. I am not the girl who waited for every move and put so many things aside for the guy she loved. I remember you telling me that I wasn't the girl you fell in love with and that you missed her.
So what did I do? I tried to be her. I lost myself again and told myself if I became her then I would get you back. That was stupid. So freaken stupid. I wanted to do everything that you wanted so I could have you back.
Why?
I can't change the past and in ways I feel like you want me to magically change the past. You want to play the victim card here and I can't accept. I can say that I know what I did. I know that it hurt but you hurt me.
I lost my best friend. I was told my best friend wasn't going anywhere and he disappeared. He turned into this person who smokes weed and expects way too much out of people. He turned into a person with a chip on his shoulder. I felt bullied into a situation where I was supposed to change so fast.
You hurt me too and I don't think you realize that. "She's prettier than you. She's better than you." "You aren't the same person you were before. I don't miss you."
Words hurt like a knife.
I can't change the past. I feel like you think I have lived this perfect life since you left and my life has been nothing but easy since you have been gone. I remember May 18th all too well. I can't look at a motorcycle the same ever again. My parents got a divorce and I had to be the rock for my siblings.
I've been to treatment twice where both times I was promised I'd have my best friend waiting on the otherside. Both times, that same boy hurt me and he doesn't realize the damage.
You have given me false hope for the happily ever after that is never gonna happen.
"You piss me off. This is why we can't be friends."
I asked if you were okay one day and you yelled at me for not saying hi first.
What happened to the boy with the huge grin and the smile that lit up a room? It is filled with anger and a tone that kills me inside. I can't do the emotional abuse. I can't feel like I am trying when in return I am getting a brick wall that just gives me a longer list of things to do to climb over.
I'm done.
I can't sit here anymore and wish for the blue eyed boy to come back to me. I may not be the girl you fell in love with. That girl went through hell and back with you and you left her there to sink. Your expectations drowned me. I couldn't get back on my own two feet cause everytime I would make a little bit of progress, it wouldn't be good enough. Why wasn't I good enough for you?
She needed someone who help her get back to the top and she wanted you but you never reached out.
The last year of my life was the worst and the best in so many ways and I won't regret it but I won't ever look back again hoping and praying that I'll get that other chance.
From,
The girl who tried.
Tuesday, October 3, 2017
Being The Tattooed Mormon
I LOVE tattoos.
I currently have two of them. I have one on my left wrist of a semi colon butterfly named Finley and I have the song lyrics from a song that saved my life on my right forearm. The lyrics are, "I'm gonna love you forever that's just my curse it's just whatever."
Ever since I got that second tattoo, I have been planning more. I get starred at because people think, "She has tattoo's and she is Mormon?" Not everyone agrees that I should be getting tattoos. I had a guy who I was dating at the time beg me as long as we were together not to get a tattoo. Yes, he is a Mormon. And he is currently married so there's that.
Every tattoo for me has a reason and a story. My butterfly named Finley came after I met my ex fiance's cousins daughter and I fell in love. I hung out with this little girl at a time where I wanted to die and end everything and she gave me the motivation to live. I always look at that tattoo and find some little reason to live. I have to keep beating.
My second tattoo came thanks to an artist named Call Me Karizma. Those lyrics remind me of the people who I so will never forget and I am always gonna have a special place for them in my heart. Recently that song hit way too close to home with an ending of a relationship but hey life happens.
I want people to realize that I respect my body even though I get tattoos and I absolutely love them. I believe in the Gospel. I know for a fact that it is true. I got a blessing in the hospital and I was reminded of the love that Jesus has for me. I am reminded when I get to talk to my best friends weekly as they are serving the Lord.
I especially have faith in this gospel because I thought my best friend was dead. There was a severe earthquake in Mexico City. That is where my best friend is serving and I hadn't heard anything for two days about any of the missionaries. I ended up reading a statement that they were safe. My best friend also got special permission to email saying he was safe. I read that email after I was home from treatment but I knew before that he was safe. I had a feeling that my best friend was safe and sound and so was his companion. I had that safe feeling.
I strive to be different. That is just who I am. I am gonna be the Tattooed Mormon and if anyone has a problem, they can come to be about it. I know Heavenly Father still loves me and I am a Child of God.
I may struggle with the gospel sometimes but in the end it is sometimes all I got and I am so thankful for it.
-Kyrsten
I currently have two of them. I have one on my left wrist of a semi colon butterfly named Finley and I have the song lyrics from a song that saved my life on my right forearm. The lyrics are, "I'm gonna love you forever that's just my curse it's just whatever."
Ever since I got that second tattoo, I have been planning more. I get starred at because people think, "She has tattoo's and she is Mormon?" Not everyone agrees that I should be getting tattoos. I had a guy who I was dating at the time beg me as long as we were together not to get a tattoo. Yes, he is a Mormon. And he is currently married so there's that.
Every tattoo for me has a reason and a story. My butterfly named Finley came after I met my ex fiance's cousins daughter and I fell in love. I hung out with this little girl at a time where I wanted to die and end everything and she gave me the motivation to live. I always look at that tattoo and find some little reason to live. I have to keep beating.
My second tattoo came thanks to an artist named Call Me Karizma. Those lyrics remind me of the people who I so will never forget and I am always gonna have a special place for them in my heart. Recently that song hit way too close to home with an ending of a relationship but hey life happens.
I want people to realize that I respect my body even though I get tattoos and I absolutely love them. I believe in the Gospel. I know for a fact that it is true. I got a blessing in the hospital and I was reminded of the love that Jesus has for me. I am reminded when I get to talk to my best friends weekly as they are serving the Lord.
I especially have faith in this gospel because I thought my best friend was dead. There was a severe earthquake in Mexico City. That is where my best friend is serving and I hadn't heard anything for two days about any of the missionaries. I ended up reading a statement that they were safe. My best friend also got special permission to email saying he was safe. I read that email after I was home from treatment but I knew before that he was safe. I had a feeling that my best friend was safe and sound and so was his companion. I had that safe feeling.
I strive to be different. That is just who I am. I am gonna be the Tattooed Mormon and if anyone has a problem, they can come to be about it. I know Heavenly Father still loves me and I am a Child of God.
I may struggle with the gospel sometimes but in the end it is sometimes all I got and I am so thankful for it.
-Kyrsten
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