To My Last Boyfriend

I should hate you for cheating. That is the first thing that comes to my mind when I think of you is that I should completely hate you but I don't.

I do think of how pathetic you are but hey this isn't a blog post trashing you well not completely anyways.

When you first met me, I was dealing with a roommate who barley spoke to me. A job that made me suicidal and a manic episode that you didn't ever fully understand. You fixed my glasses in a Walmart parking lot. You let me kiss you because it felt right. We had fun and for the first time I felt like maybe something would go right.

You let me deal with my ex at the time and helped me through the hardest part of the year. I wonder sometimes if we got through that and made it why couldn't we have made it through this? As time went on, I never thought of us having an expiration date. I met your mom and she was terrifying and wonderful all at the same time. I was excited of the relationship I was planing on building with her. I met your best friend. The one who I made jokes about stealing you away from me all the time. I thought he was pretty cool too. Gotta give props to the guy who third wheeled us.

I will never forget the way you told me to get over my mental illness. You told me you didn't understand why I couldn't just get out of bed. You didn't understand why some days were a bad day even though nothing happened. Remember when you told me my mental illness didn't make me a bad girlfriend? Guess you regret saying that huh?

I remember getting the text from a friend about finding you on tinder. I remember fighting back on tears at work. I remembering wanting to scream at you when you called me that night. I remember praying and hoping that it was just some stupid mistake because you never seemed like the guy who would cheat on his girlfriend even if they were having problems. But you did and didn't even say sorry.

You broke up with me on a Sunday afternoon. I remember you standing on the edge of my bed telling me some bullshit excuse of how it was just over. You didn't want to understand my mental illness. You met someone else and just won't tell me but I know.

I spent a week trying to get you back. I tried so hard. I should've realized that when you didn't try then I should've stopped trying. I should've realized that when you got drunk instead of talking or realized when you blew me off that night that it was over.

It wasn't all negative. I am very for thankful for some parts of our relationship. Thank you for teaching me about my self worth. Thank you for teaching me that I should love myself when sometimes I just don't want too cause I don't feel like I should. Thank you for taking risks with me and showing me more of New England than I thought I would ever see. Thank you for teaching me how relationships should be 50/50 and full of compromise and passion. Thankful for teaching me about forgiveness and hope. Thank you for being one of a few people who saw potential in me in a time where I saw rock bottom again.

Thank you for making me feel so bad that I was able to truly cry for the first time in months. That allowed me to finally be more hopeful for the future. I can finally see myself in a much better place.

I hope you don't cheat on your next girlfriend. I hope and pray that you allow yourself to learn all about mental illness and actually understand how painful it is and how much it freaken sucks to deal with this on a daily basis. I hope you learn a lot about forgiveness. I am not gonna miss all the fighting and the worrying and banter about baseball. I won't miss trying to get ahold of you only to be told that you'd call me hours later. I will miss all the stupid snapchats and pictures. I'll miss hour long conversations where I am laughing till I am crying. I will miss debates about college football. I will miss who I once thought was my best friend.

Here's to new beginnings and the future.

its okay to not be okay

I recently got out a relationship that has consumed my life for the last five months.

It was the type where at first it was magical and sweet and uncomplicated and it seemed too good to be true. I cant pinpoint exactly why it ended but maybe it ended when my friend sent me a screenshot of my then boyfriend on tinder when he was at drill only an hour or two maybe three away from me in Vermont. Maybe it was over when he told me to get over my mental illness and i cried to my dad about it because I never understood how a guy like him could just tell me to get out of bed when it was physically/mentally impossible.

I spent a week trying to get him back. I prayed to God that we would get back together. I kept up with baseball even though for the life of me I will never like it or even try to understand it.

I confronted him finally about the cheating and all he said to me was that he didn't want to break up with me he wanted to do it in person. He told me how he didn't want to attempt to understand my mental illness. He didn't wanna try to make it work. He didn't apologize for cheating.

I cried for three hours the night I confronted him. I called a friend in Ohio and sobbed because I couldn't wrap my head around it. I couldn't understand why someone who I thought was one of the  most sweetest selfless guys would cheat on someone he used to tell daily how much he liked and cared about.

I have been spending the last week thinking through every little detail and yes I am that kind of person who needs to think everything though. I've learned that this breakup sucks it really sucks but I am gonna pick myself up and move forward. I am going to become the best person I can be and look forward to the future and whatever it brings.

I realize that even though I have hope and faith for the future, that it is okay to be sad. It is okay to grieve over this relationship. One of my favorite artists said this quote that I have been living by lately, "It's okay but it isn't okay to give up."

A year ago me, would probably be still begging her dumb ex for a spot in her life even though he doesn't deserve it. A year ago, I would be forcing myself to go to work and attempt to smile. Today, I am going to work because I need to survive and i am smiling because it is another bump in the road. I sometimes do not want to admit it but I have a full life ahead of me.

This isn't define me.

I may not be okay right now but sometime soon it will be so worth it.

-Kyrsten