For the millionth time it seems like I am moving.
It seems like all I do is move but this time it isn't my fault. I promise.
Two or so months ago, my dad was getting ready to go back to Ohio but I didn't wanna go home. So I was looking for ether a roommate or some sort of housing. My dad found this guy(who is gonna be nameless) who needed a roommate. I met the guy later in the week and he seemed decent to room with while I saved up for my own place.
Well, as you can tell that didn't work out. I was miserable in the situation. My roommate smoked a lot of week. Our apartment ether smelled like cat feces,weed, and or alcohol. I didn't mind the weed honestly but after awhile the apartment smelling like weed became a problem.
I tried hard to look past the weed but soon after there was an incident that dealt with the cat. One night my best friend and i were chilling in my room after I closed Subway and my roommate also had people over. You could smell the weed through the vent and all of a sudden you heard a male voice that sounded exactly like my roommate and the cat screaming at the top of its lungs. I paused my music and listened and my stomach sank. The cat leaped on the fridge from what I heard. My roommate came into my room high as a kite and made up some story of how the cat tried to get into the window or something like that. After the incident, the cat avoided him for a good week or so and that led me to believe something else happened.
Some other incidents include waking me up at three am by calling me to let him in the building because he kept letting people use/borrow his key and having people over at 1:30 am when I worked at seven am.
Last but not least the purpose of this blog other than to rant! I got a text from my lovely roommate lat thursday after having a decent night saying he was moving out the next Friday and since I was subleasing I had to leave too.WHAT.
So after a complete 180 of attitude and a panic attack which led to a phone call to my dad at 11pm, I had eight days to figure out where the hell I was gonna live. Again, WHAT.
So I called many people and cried and applied for places and been in constant contact with the landlord of the place, I am moving out of the apartment. I don't make enough money to take over the lease and my roommate found out in May he was being evicted WHAT THE HELL. Also, here is the kicker, the landlord told me that he didn't know I was living there with my roommate and my roommate wasn't supposed to have the cat.
So? Currently, I am applying for basically every available apartment in Montpelier/Northfield for a place. Luckily I have a good friend from work letting me crash with him for the next two weeks while I figure out my next move! It is ether find a place/find a roommate or go to Virginia to stay with my dad.
As crazy as it is, this is life currently and life has taught me soooo much.
Lesson learned: Always get to know someone really well before you live with them.
Always keeping it real!
-Kyrsten
Wednesday, June 27, 2018
Saturday, June 16, 2018
Come and Go
Honestly this is super hard to write but it's been a long time coming.
I had this group of friends in college that I used to think that it was God's way of making sure I was okay my first year of school.
Last year, I had one of the worst years of my life. Between my parents finalizing their divorce, ending my engagement, being raped, and being in the mental hospital not once but twice I was a mess. I had friends in this group leave on Mormon missions, get married and do wonderful things with their lives. I was just stuck in this never ending cycle of bad things.
I fell apart from one friend in particular after she got married and during my mental health struggle and I was stuck. I felt very alone and I self isolated and no matter what I tried I couldn't feel better. It was hard for me to talk to her because my life wasn't like hers. She was married and in a bliss and my life was kinda crashing down. How do you talk to someone like that? Once I got myself in a place where I could let people in, I apologized but she took everything to hear. It felt like I was unwanted and not good enough.
I was best friends with this one girl and I wrote her every week of her mission. I was so proud and so happy for her. I made sure she was doing okay mentally and listening to her rants and raves. I was so excited to have my best friend back that when she came home I got all excited and I was ignored for a couple of days. At the time I was struggling with religion(still am) and when she came home I reached out to her and was hoping to use her a crutch I guess to get back. I was excited to share scriptures and experiences and go from there. Then she told me that she felt like we shouldn't be friends.
My so called "friends" blocked me on social media and talked about me saying how they reached out and tried and I just didn't do anything They also said how mental illness is not an excuse for behavior. It was at a point where forgiveness wasn't deserved.
I felt like because I wasn't the stereotypical Mormon for them I wasn't good enough to be their friends. I gotten tattoos and I was engaged and at that point, church wasn't a priority. I wanted to take believing in the gospel in my own hands and that wasn't good enough .When I needed someone, they abandoned me.
Getting rid of toxic friendships like this was hard. I thought we would be close for a long time. I struggled a lot with why this happened and how they could just give up on someone who was always there and tried their hardest even in the worst moments. I struggled a lot with being good enough for people cause they made me feel unworthy of having friendships.
People don't realize that sometimes its easier to talk things out then to let things escalate.
And ever since then I have a group of friends who have taught me the real meaning of friendship and what it means to be appreciated and respected from friends.
I had this group of friends in college that I used to think that it was God's way of making sure I was okay my first year of school.
Last year, I had one of the worst years of my life. Between my parents finalizing their divorce, ending my engagement, being raped, and being in the mental hospital not once but twice I was a mess. I had friends in this group leave on Mormon missions, get married and do wonderful things with their lives. I was just stuck in this never ending cycle of bad things.
I fell apart from one friend in particular after she got married and during my mental health struggle and I was stuck. I felt very alone and I self isolated and no matter what I tried I couldn't feel better. It was hard for me to talk to her because my life wasn't like hers. She was married and in a bliss and my life was kinda crashing down. How do you talk to someone like that? Once I got myself in a place where I could let people in, I apologized but she took everything to hear. It felt like I was unwanted and not good enough.
I was best friends with this one girl and I wrote her every week of her mission. I was so proud and so happy for her. I made sure she was doing okay mentally and listening to her rants and raves. I was so excited to have my best friend back that when she came home I got all excited and I was ignored for a couple of days. At the time I was struggling with religion(still am) and when she came home I reached out to her and was hoping to use her a crutch I guess to get back. I was excited to share scriptures and experiences and go from there. Then she told me that she felt like we shouldn't be friends.
My so called "friends" blocked me on social media and talked about me saying how they reached out and tried and I just didn't do anything They also said how mental illness is not an excuse for behavior. It was at a point where forgiveness wasn't deserved.
I felt like because I wasn't the stereotypical Mormon for them I wasn't good enough to be their friends. I gotten tattoos and I was engaged and at that point, church wasn't a priority. I wanted to take believing in the gospel in my own hands and that wasn't good enough .When I needed someone, they abandoned me.
Getting rid of toxic friendships like this was hard. I thought we would be close for a long time. I struggled a lot with why this happened and how they could just give up on someone who was always there and tried their hardest even in the worst moments. I struggled a lot with being good enough for people cause they made me feel unworthy of having friendships.
People don't realize that sometimes its easier to talk things out then to let things escalate.
And ever since then I have a group of friends who have taught me the real meaning of friendship and what it means to be appreciated and respected from friends.
Monday, June 11, 2018
Suicide Prevention
Last year, I was suicidal.
Maybe a shocker but not really.
I spent time in the mental hospital twice because of these thoughts. Between the mental hospital and getting some of the help I need I am alive.
Barley.
I still struggle. Sometimes I feel like it would be so much easier to just end it all. I don't because of my four younger sisters. Especially my baby brother Anderson, he deserves to know who I am.
Heres the twist. I am extremely bothered by the fact that suicide is JUST getting more attention. Where's the attention after girls from high school in their senior year kill themselves? What do we do for people who go to mental hospitals for suicidal thoughts? What do we do for the people who have tried to commit suicide and failed? What about the people who think about killing themselves daily?
Plot twist: I am still suicidal. Again, if I didn't have four younger siblings I probably wouldn't be alive. I am what is called "Passively Suicidal" take some time to read this article about the difference between being passively suicidal and active suicidal thoughts. (https://themighty.com/2016/10/the-difference-between-active-and-passive-suicidal-thoughts/)
What keeps me going is that if I did do something I would miss all of my friends coming home from their missions and my baby brother wouldn't meet me.
In the last year, I cut out a group of friends who kept going on their lives. When I was in the lowest points, they were worried about marriage, babies, dating, and missions. I honestly felt like I didn't matter. They got angry as I felt like I couldn't talk to them because they continued with their lives. I felt like a last priority. I felt like what was going on with me didn't matter to them. So we just stopped talking and being friends. It was added stress and honestly sad because I trusted them and I felt abandoned but according to them I just pushed them away.
Now?
As much as my mental health is a challenge, I have support and I am so thankful. I have a handful of people that I can open and honest with them and they support me. They make sure that I am doing okay mentally and when I am not they help me get to the right mindset. SO THANKFUL FOR MY FRIENDS YALL KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
I am eternally grateful for the birth of my baby brother Anderson. I've said this multiple times but he gives me the reason to be alive. I haven't met him and I am dying to meet him. He deserves to know who I am other than pictures.
Mental health needs to be talked about more. I am a fighter and a survivor. I try not to let my mental illness bring me down. Some days it wins and some days it doesn't.
Please please reach out to friends. Don't be afraid to text or call them and just let them know you are thinking about them. Don't be afraid to tell them you are concerned. I have smiled so much at messages from friends saying that they are praying for me and that if I need to talk then they are there.
KEEP AN OPEN LINE OF COMMUNICATION. I have struggled a lot with thinking I had no one to talk and I constantly felt alone. WORST FEELING EVER.
Be safe always and don't ever be afraid because I promise someone knows how you feel and always is willing to listen.
Maybe a shocker but not really.
I spent time in the mental hospital twice because of these thoughts. Between the mental hospital and getting some of the help I need I am alive.
Barley.
I still struggle. Sometimes I feel like it would be so much easier to just end it all. I don't because of my four younger sisters. Especially my baby brother Anderson, he deserves to know who I am.
Heres the twist. I am extremely bothered by the fact that suicide is JUST getting more attention. Where's the attention after girls from high school in their senior year kill themselves? What do we do for people who go to mental hospitals for suicidal thoughts? What do we do for the people who have tried to commit suicide and failed? What about the people who think about killing themselves daily?
Plot twist: I am still suicidal. Again, if I didn't have four younger siblings I probably wouldn't be alive. I am what is called "Passively Suicidal" take some time to read this article about the difference between being passively suicidal and active suicidal thoughts. (https://themighty.com/2016/10/the-difference-between-active-and-passive-suicidal-thoughts/)
What keeps me going is that if I did do something I would miss all of my friends coming home from their missions and my baby brother wouldn't meet me.
In the last year, I cut out a group of friends who kept going on their lives. When I was in the lowest points, they were worried about marriage, babies, dating, and missions. I honestly felt like I didn't matter. They got angry as I felt like I couldn't talk to them because they continued with their lives. I felt like a last priority. I felt like what was going on with me didn't matter to them. So we just stopped talking and being friends. It was added stress and honestly sad because I trusted them and I felt abandoned but according to them I just pushed them away.
Now?
As much as my mental health is a challenge, I have support and I am so thankful. I have a handful of people that I can open and honest with them and they support me. They make sure that I am doing okay mentally and when I am not they help me get to the right mindset. SO THANKFUL FOR MY FRIENDS YALL KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
I am eternally grateful for the birth of my baby brother Anderson. I've said this multiple times but he gives me the reason to be alive. I haven't met him and I am dying to meet him. He deserves to know who I am other than pictures.
Mental health needs to be talked about more. I am a fighter and a survivor. I try not to let my mental illness bring me down. Some days it wins and some days it doesn't.
Please please reach out to friends. Don't be afraid to text or call them and just let them know you are thinking about them. Don't be afraid to tell them you are concerned. I have smiled so much at messages from friends saying that they are praying for me and that if I need to talk then they are there.
KEEP AN OPEN LINE OF COMMUNICATION. I have struggled a lot with thinking I had no one to talk and I constantly felt alone. WORST FEELING EVER.
Be safe always and don't ever be afraid because I promise someone knows how you feel and always is willing to listen.
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