365 One Year

365 days ago, May 1st 2017 I made one of the biggest decisions of my life.

I said goodbye to my family and I went to treatment because I was suicidal. I just wanted to die.

I remember sitting in the emergency room all day scared out of my mind because I didn't know what would happen next.

This was a long time coming. I remember battling self harm and suicidal thoughts in my early teens and battling more with them in my latter teens/early twenties. 

I didn't want to go but I had to go.

I remember the outbursts and the crying from being manic and just continuing to wish that I wasn't gonna go. I had read and heard horror stories about treatment.

They sent me to a hospital in Mansfield, Ohio where my (then) psychiatrist worked at part time. I remember seeing him and talking to him and feeling like he was the only thing that reminded me of home.

The hospital was lonely and I remember being the only one in my age group there. I was too old for the kids ward but I felt too young to be on the adult ward. I remember being jealous of this guy who I met I think his name was Tom or Tony and he was bright and smiling and he was going home way earlier than me and I was jealous. Way jealous.

He talked about his wife and his kids and how he was going to make his recovery work. He talked about his coping skills and other stuff. I thought maybe if I said that I would get to go home.

Six days.

Six days of treatment and waking up god awful early. Six days of meeting with therapists and nurses who watch you every single second you are up and breathing. Six days of being woken up by ether a nurse needing my vitals or my psychiatrist pissed because in the almost two years I was meeting with him I still took(take) naps.

One year post treatment life is still rough. I still have those days where all I want to do is sit in my bed and cry about everything and anything. Cry because my best friend isn't home yet. Cry because work is hard.

Bur I did it.

I lived to see two milestones. Twenty One and One Year Post Treatment.

Honestly?

I never thought I would live to see ether of those. I thought I would've killed myself by now. I've thought and thought about it but after what God has shown me I think I can still around for awhile longer.

Mental health is way important. You never know who is suffering. It could be your best friend, your neighbor or even someone in your family, be sensitive and supportive as you never know what is going through someone else's head.

Love always,

Kyrsten

Untitled

I have literally been trying to write a blog post for dayss.

Recently, I have done a lot of "spring cleaning" on social media. I have unfriended and blocked people who to me are ether toxic or make me feel negative. Honestly, it feels fantastic. I don't have to look at people's post who make me ether angry or just bring negative feelings into myself. Best decision I have made in awhile. I even unfollowed people on instagram and twitter just because again I didn't wanna see their posts.

I also started this diet where I don't really eat junk food or sweets. Anyone who knows me, knows i adore chocolate and candy and just most junk food. I cut that out of my system so I could lose a little bit of weight and just feel better. It is so much easier than I thought it was gonna be. If I eat any at all, I limit myself. For example at work yesterday, I adore Subway cookies. I mean who doesnt? I ate one and a bag of chips and I didn't eat anymore even though I was hungry and they looked so good. I honestly went to Shaw's and bought some watermelon for dinner cause I mean fruits and veggies are healthy and I adore watermelon.

It came to my attention that I have been officially living in the Green Mountain State for the last FIVE months. I am only excited because I can see the whole 180 that I have done mentally and emotionally since I have first moved here.

When I first moved here, I was overly depressed and sad and I just didn't want to do anything. I left my siblings and the life that I had there. I was honestly scared to leave the doctors that i had there who had my back. I honestly am so in love with Vermont.

Vermont to me has become a place where I am figuring out who I am and who I want to be. It feels amazing. I have a decent amount of friends and I am happy(even on my depression days). While here, I have lost friends who I thought would stick around forever in my life and honestly I was super sad at first and now I am just like if you want to leave there is the front door. You could honesty say I have developed a chip on my shoulder but in reality I have just learned to stick up for myself and not hide.

I've learned so much about what people I want and deserve in my life. Yes, I am talking about dating. It is a pain in my butt. I've dated people, got my heart broken, and learned to say goodbye to the blue eyed boy who obviously doesn't want to be in my life. I won't lie when I say I haven't cried about it but everything is a lesson. God has a plan.

I am not gonna lie and say that sometimes it sucks to know that I don't know exactly what God has planned for me. I am calm in knowing that everything happens for a reason.

I am doing okay. My mental health isn't 100% and I don't think it will be for awhile but I am working on it. I can't lie and say I am magically healthy. There are some days when I realize that I can't do it and that is okay. I am stronger than my illness. I have learned again what happiness and excitement. If I work towards things in my life then they will happen.

I am not the same person who left Ohio five to six months ago. I am someone totally different and I am finally okay with it. Figuring out who I am and what I want is the one of the most exciting things going on in my life. Yeah, there might be tears along the way and some negativity but I can handle it.

Always yours,
Kyrsten

Dear Love

I didn't believe I could fall in love fast.

Then I met him.

Our first date was one of the most awkward dates I have ever been on. We barley talked and I swore up and down that I would never go on another date with him.

Two days later, I was in the car with him.

The second date was something special, we watched one of my favorite movies and for the first time in log time, holding hands and cuddling brought butterflies. When we kissed for the first time I felt passion and again more butterflies that I hadn't felt in a about a year or so. I forgot what that feeling was.

I wanted him. I wanted more. I wanted to feel the butterflies. I laughed and smiled harder than I have in forever. I fell for his smile and the way that he caressed my hand for twenty minutes. I couldn't take my eye off of him no matter how hard I try. He held me tight and I heard his heart beat and for once it felt like home. I told him about the past and hoping even praying that he would be in the future.

No matter what happens, I am thankful. I am thankful for the boy who made a difference in my life. I could watch him laugh and smile for hours without getting bored. He is the type of guy who hugs you and holds you tight. It is the simple things that you fall for.

I fell for the fact that he was there. He made me realize that I need to live my life now instead of later. For the first time in so long, I felt like letting someone into this crazy thing called life was something I could do. I let him in and opened up. Something that I haven't done really since my engagement. It felt so easy and so natural. I was confused on why I felt like I was on top of the world with him.

I could be happy again. After all the heartbreak and weeks I have spent crying over other guys and other situations, it felt good to have some confidence about something. He felt like coming home. I hadn't felt that feeling since last summer. I mean yeah I've dated guys between then and now but nothing like him.

Nothing will compare to him.

I will always adore that goofy smile after a bad joke. I adore the way he holds me tight and I can fit my head on his chest.

Thank you. Thank you for teaching me how it feels to like someone like a little high school crush. Thank you for letting me be me.

Who knows how this is gonna turn out. I am anxious and nervous about it but hopeful and that itself scares me but no matter what I am thankful.

-Kyrsten