Happy Monday well almost Tuesday.
It has been such an off day. I've have this nasty cold where I have slept so much. My dad and I had a slight scare of me not having my psych meds. We found out my psychiatrist even though he promised while I was here in Vermont that he would fill my meds claims that he never said that so he refused to fill them.
Luckily that nasty cold of mine seemed like the flu so I went and got checked out and urgent care wrote me a script of my psych meds for the next week while I sort it out with my primary care doctor back in Ohio.
I have had a lot of heartbreak lately. Between the ex that came back and the boy who switched his mind in the matter of hours its been a crazy week or two.
I was ranting to one of my close friends and I told him that all I wanted was to be happy and he said that I wouldn't find happiness in another person. I realized that is sorta what I have been doing lately. I have been drowning myself in my own sorrows and letting people then and expecting me to be happy because they are in my life.
I am going to find happiness by changing the negative things in my life. I have a hard time letting go. Like recently that ex who came back was the same ex that ghosted me in February only to ghost me again last weekend. What did i do? Call him and got his voicemail.
Another situation that is kinda my current situation is that there was this guy from work and hes cute hes a little bit younger than me and we basically closed the store on Monday and we spent hours just teasing each other. So weve been talking for a week and we were gonna go on a date and see where things go. Nope he canceled on our date and then told me that he doesn't think I am the person for him. Okay buddy. It kinda just sucks because I've thought he was cute for like ever and I knew in the back of my hand that I would never get a chance.
Life is life. I have some really hopeful news that I am not ready to share because nothing is set in stone. Just know I am okay. I am alive and trying to kick butt in life before it kicks my butt.
I am trying to make the best out of each situation. For once, I am gonna focus on me and only me. I am hanging in there. Not gonna give up.
-Kyrsten
Monday, March 19, 2018
Monday, March 12, 2018
Cant Stop Wont Stop
I"m still alive but I am barley breathing.
STORY OF MY LIFE.
If nobody believes that seasonal depression is a real thing should move to the Northeast for the winter and tell me how they feel.
Not the point of this blog post.
The last month and a half have honestly been the hardest month and a half of my life. I am always open about my mental health struggles. I feel like talking about it helps not only me but helps whoever else is going through the same stuff I am going through.
So lately I have been passively suicidal and honestly I don't think that is going away anytime soon. To those freaking out, calm down I am okay. I am so specific in my fight that I am being honest to the very dot.
Not many people know the difference between passive and active suicidal thoughts so I will explain that before I go any further. "Being passively suicidal means you wish to die. Actively suicidal is just that — you’ve got your plan and you’re planning on going through with the plan." quote from my favorite article explaining the difference probably better than me https://themighty.com/2016/10/the-difference-between-active-and-passive-suicidal-thoughts/ there is the link
Before someone tells me I have no reason to feel this way, you have no right. I feel the way I feel for a reason. Life has been a mess and I am blunt and honest about it.
Between dating, life, school, and work I have been stressed out to to the max. I spend weekends forcing myself to do simple things like get out of bed and do laundry and maybe even leave the house. The week is exhausting from working 33+ hours trying to pay for my life basically. Life and school is expensive. My body has learned what constantly crying is. I swear I cry a couple times a week about something - kinda anything to be honest.
I made a post of how dating has triggered my depression and anxiety and I thought I'd shed a little light on that. I got out of a relationship from someone who decided that calling me and texting me was a good idea to break up with me. He lives in the same city as me.
After that relationship, I beat myself up for that ending and most of my past relationships so I had this very negative mindset going in dates and when I was getting to know people I still had that negative mindset. It constantly had me thinking that I was the reason why they didn't want to go on another date or I was the reason why they just didn't want to hang out with me.
Sometimes people just suck.
I am constantly getting the question, "What are you doing with your life?" Well let me answer that, I finally have an idea. I am gonna go home to Ohio and learn how to be independent. I am gonna get my mental health together and hopefully be on my way to Idaho in the fall.
I am nervous as heck about this new adventure after being here in Vermont but hopefully everything goes well.
Right now, I am still figuring out my mental health and how much I can handle and figuring out when I need help but I am okay and I am learning how to be happy again.
Until next time,
Kyrsten
STORY OF MY LIFE.
If nobody believes that seasonal depression is a real thing should move to the Northeast for the winter and tell me how they feel.
Not the point of this blog post.
The last month and a half have honestly been the hardest month and a half of my life. I am always open about my mental health struggles. I feel like talking about it helps not only me but helps whoever else is going through the same stuff I am going through.
So lately I have been passively suicidal and honestly I don't think that is going away anytime soon. To those freaking out, calm down I am okay. I am so specific in my fight that I am being honest to the very dot.
Not many people know the difference between passive and active suicidal thoughts so I will explain that before I go any further. "Being passively suicidal means you wish to die. Actively suicidal is just that — you’ve got your plan and you’re planning on going through with the plan." quote from my favorite article explaining the difference probably better than me https://themighty.com/2016/10/the-difference-between-active-and-passive-suicidal-thoughts/ there is the link
Before someone tells me I have no reason to feel this way, you have no right. I feel the way I feel for a reason. Life has been a mess and I am blunt and honest about it.
Between dating, life, school, and work I have been stressed out to to the max. I spend weekends forcing myself to do simple things like get out of bed and do laundry and maybe even leave the house. The week is exhausting from working 33+ hours trying to pay for my life basically. Life and school is expensive. My body has learned what constantly crying is. I swear I cry a couple times a week about something - kinda anything to be honest.
I made a post of how dating has triggered my depression and anxiety and I thought I'd shed a little light on that. I got out of a relationship from someone who decided that calling me and texting me was a good idea to break up with me. He lives in the same city as me.
After that relationship, I beat myself up for that ending and most of my past relationships so I had this very negative mindset going in dates and when I was getting to know people I still had that negative mindset. It constantly had me thinking that I was the reason why they didn't want to go on another date or I was the reason why they just didn't want to hang out with me.
Sometimes people just suck.
I am constantly getting the question, "What are you doing with your life?" Well let me answer that, I finally have an idea. I am gonna go home to Ohio and learn how to be independent. I am gonna get my mental health together and hopefully be on my way to Idaho in the fall.
I am nervous as heck about this new adventure after being here in Vermont but hopefully everything goes well.
Right now, I am still figuring out my mental health and how much I can handle and figuring out when I need help but I am okay and I am learning how to be happy again.
Until next time,
Kyrsten
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