Dear 2020

 I have tried to write this four times but here we go.

I found my blog post from the end of last year that I wrote "I think 2020 is going to bring the best blessings." Well dang, I have never read such a true statement. I find myself incredibly blessed this last year even in the middle of the pandemic.

2020 brought me good health, an even greater love, a wonderful therapist, a new apartment, and even a greater relationship with God. 

I spent most of this year selfish. Took my mental health into my hands and really dived deep into therapy. One PTSD diagnosis later I am figuring life out. Figuring what triggers me, figuring out how to set boundaries and to stand up for myself. Childhood trauma is no joke. 

I moved out of my apartment that I shared with two roommates and it was bittersweet but much needed. I followed a prompting that it needed to happen and God made it happen. My apartment now is finally becoming a home and my little safe space.

2020 brought a love that is something I can't even imagine. I have never laughed so hard in my life over sometimes the most ridiculous things. I have spent time getting to know someone inside and out and falling completely in love and getting engaged all in the span of a year(actually like seven months but time doesnt matter.) It has taught me patience, kindness, and realizing you can't really do life without your best friend. Heres a tip, totally fall in love with your best friend. Best experience of my life. 

My relationship with God really improved while having a faith crisis that I am sure I have talked long and hard about. Something about almost giving up but also really realizing that God does have a plan and never gives up on us that really hits home.

2020 has had the highs and has had the lows. I am thankful for all the people who have stuck around through crying fits, phone calls, rants. listening to me scream about everything but also celebrating all the good things.

2020 has been insane for others but I find myself forever grateful for the year that really taught me to take chances let my guard down and to never give up on an adventure. 

2020 you've been a real treat, here's to a well rounded 2021.

My Reality

 it is almost midnight or whatever time, I should be sleeping but I am doing my therapy homework and blogging.

You read that right, I am doing therapy homework.

Mental illness sucks and I am angry about it.

I am angry I have spent so much time in therapy rewiring my brain because of a PTSD diagnosis. It is sad and it hurts and that it is.

I am normally SO open with my mental health and just in general so hiding this little diagnosis and being ashamed in a way is something else.

I have been exhausted the last couple of weeks due to treatment and just the world basically. I have been trying to work through what my therapist has told me and having that eternal battle in my head. My brain has been so stuck the last 23 years that retraining it to think COMPLETELY different seems like learning how to walk.

I have cried every week since I can remember. I have had to feel every emotion because avoidance is bad. I have had numerous panic attacks(including the one tonight that inspired this blog post) and again it is exhausting. Mental health is no joke. 

I listened to a church conference this weekend and I listened to a part that said summiting to God's will and His plan and i loved it. God has put in my life the resources and tools needed to work through this diagnosis. He wants me to heal so I can have a better life. It took SO long to get to the point admitting maybe therapy would help after a bad experience but I wouldn't change this experience.

I say that because this isn't gonna last forever. I know God wants me to heal and knows exactly what I am going through. I was also ashamed of this diagnosis. I was ashamed to say because of childhood trauma that no one realized happened I have to train my brain to think completely different. 

Kinda mind blowing to say the least.

This pandemic, this year has brought out the worst with mental health. Check on your friends, encourage them to not ghost their therapists(advice I needed after slightly considering skipping my own session tomorrow). Breathe, take a bath, do whatever.

For me, I am going to finish my homework, go to my session tomorrow and remember constantly that my diagnosis isn't the end of the world. It is nothing to be ashamed of and it is something I am going to go up and down through treatment with. I will get better as long as I keep going.

Things I Am Learning At 23

Last year, I did this blog post about learning so much two months into 22(here is the link vhttps://kyrstenelaine.blogspot.com/2019/03/things-i-am-learning-at-22.html so I decided to write a blog post about what 23 is teaching me in the last five months. I've done a lot of reflecting.

• The Best Relationships Happen Unexpectedly:  Yeah enough said.

• Be Grateful For The Little Things: 2020 has brought a pandemic which has me grateful for my job that most of the times drives me crazy and leaves me exhausted but at the same time I still was able to work during this crazy time and I’m eternally grateful. Didn't think I would ever be a morning person but here I am getting up at 4:30am three days a week.

• God Has A Plan ALWAYS:   I had a faith crisis this year where I believed in God but I didn’t know if I wanted to attend church after the pandemic because I was struggling with my mental health and just thinking the world was going to end(y'all did too don’t lie) anyways, as soon as I thought that I got a text about five minutes later to have a phone call that would honestly change my life. I am forever thankful for that phone call and every little blessing that has come after that.

• Crying Is Okay:  I have cried WAY more during the last couple of months than I have all of last year and that is really saying something. Between the stress of work, a new church responsibility, I was having weekly breakdowns it seemed like. Now they are under control, I realized that sometimes a good cry is sometimes all you need.

• Everything Happens For A Reason: It has been so interesting to see why certain things didn't work out the way I thought it was going to work out. Why this friendship didn't last because maybe I needed to build more of a bond with the ones I had or why this relationship didn't work and so on. I never thought my life would be where it is but I know that everything that has happened has happened for a reason and it makes it all the worth it.

• Be Selfish: I learned this a lot recently. I realized I needed to make decisions for me and only me. Sometimes it means putting off school for a year to save money. Sometimes it means moving into your own apartment. 

• The Best is Yet To Come: This year has been weird, I thought I would have so many things figured out by now and in a way I have. Realistically though, I have a feeling the most exciting parts of my life are going to happen soon. It is coming and I am all sorts of ready.

23 so far has been a ride. This year has also been the most awkward, weird, crazy, and also slightly terrifying but regardless it is keeping me on my toes.

Gratitude

Anyone who truly knows me, knows my life has been far from easy.

I will save all the details but I have since then just lived in a period where I am content, I don't go out of my way to become "happy" because I didn't know how to be happy. I let things happen. I even try not to get excited about things because lets be real.

Anyways, I was totally humbled in this last week.

And for those who are on the edge of their seat waiting hoping for details, nope. Nice try.

I have learned a huge lesson this week about happiness. In the midst of all my mental health struggles, I didn't know if I was ever gonna be "truly happy". After last year, I didn't think I would ever feel pure joy again.

A year later, I have learned what happiness and joy is all in one. I learned how to laugh all over again and smiled. I have found myself telling myself especially recently it is okay to be happy. You are allowed to be happy. I have spent almost the last week on edge because in a way I didn't feel like I deserved to be happy. I was content where I was. Kinda just coasting by.

It makes me so incredibly grateful. I am grateful to feel pure happiness and joy. Grateful for everything in my life. Grateful that I am alive to see this all play out.

I know during this pandemic I was scared. I was scared I was going to lose my testimony in God, I was scared of SO many things. In the end(well right now), I have such a strong testimony that God has such a plan. I know He knows exactly what I need in my life. I am grateful.

Life is so good right now. It feels like everything is happening the way it should be and for that my heart is full. Full of love for all those around me and in my life.

I am truly truly grateful for how life has worked out and all the little things to come out of it.

Life Goes On

Life goes on put a sad song on.

Just kidding well kinda.

The last 365 days have been the hardest 365 days of my life. Every single day brought a new challenge a new direction. It brought something every day.

I made a decision a year ago that basically put my life into perspective. It made me finally put myself first which is something that I haven't done in a heck of a long time.

I think one of the most important things that I did in the last year was finally put myself first instead of others. I let myself feel everything and cry it out when needed. Made for some long nights and some days but crying it out sometimes always helps. I fell in love with the sound of me laughing which is weird but hear me out. I forgot how to laugh genuinely so when I finally started to laugh again, it felt so good. I felt like I could finally be happy.

I decided in the last year to be selfish. I started this program through BYU and let me tell ya I wouldn't trade that for the world. Yes i CONSTANTLY complain about it. Okay but it is school. But regardless, it has been quite the adventure that I wouldn't trade. It made me realize that I do know how to do the whole thing again and I can finally put myself in a bigger program at one point.

I really stuck with my relationship with God. Well, God never gave up on me when in the last year lots of people did. I don't think I would be alive without the grace of God. It was through lots of prayer and strength that I stayed alive in moments in the last year when I honestly didn't. I was so sick and tired of dealing with the pain I was dealing with.

I am genuinely happy. I have some pretty amazing people in my life currently. They have been such a rock throughout life, school, everything else and I am thankful. They dealt with all the tears, all the complaining, and always lifted me up in the end.

I learned to rely on myself and not on someone else. When I didn't think I would recover from the decision a year ago, I powered through. I didn't rely solely on other people, I forced myself to move on. I forced myself to continuing living and i made it. I have to say life isn't too bad right now. Yes it can have its days. Like today honestly because I hit that one year mark, it's a weird day. Mental illness never helps.

Talking about mental illness. My mental illness and I have gotten into more fights in the last year than both my inpatient treatments (funny? Probably not. Oops.) I have used some really high quality coping skills and learned what the heck works. My mental illness is not always rainbows and butterflies. Somedays it is having no motivation to get out of bed. Sometimes it is buying WAY too many shoes during a pandemic (yeah that happened.). I am managing it the best I can and I will continue to do so the way I know how.

I didn't think I'd make it to this mark. To describe how I felt at a certain point of the last year, it felt like I was drowning and I couldn't swim for air. I survived and I powered through the hardest year and let me tell ya I am so damn proud for surviving something that I never thought I could.

Mental Health & COVID-19

COVID-19 has been honestly the worst thing to come into existence in my lifetime.

Between school closures, businesses closing, you name it my entire world has kinda been turned upside down.

My life went from a very consistent schedule of work, school, and church to me going to work, trying to do school work, and my favorite set of missionaries being sent home back to Utah.  Before this virus, I was functioning and stable. I had just gotten out of manic episode after seeing an ex boyfriend  when I wasn’t supposed to, having a super hard coming out experience with someone else, and working on getting a therapy appointment.

The day my life changed was a week in a half ago. I went who work, went to dinner with my branch president and his wife, then went to hang out with one of my girlfriends. After that, this virus kinda took over the world. My friends saw their restaurants becoming less busy, my siblings had an early spring break, everything felt real.

Then this week happened. All the restaurants in my town shut down which boosted unemployment. My once thriving town is now a ghost town. My work that is normally filled with tourists of all kinds, and restaurants buying liquor seemed very empty.

I find myself once again in a manic state. I find myself needing answers to questions no one knows. What are landlords gonna do about unemployment? Will my job survive? Will my testimony survive if not the constant push of church? Will I ever get a therapy appointment? Will life ever really return to normal? Questions I ask myself daily.

COVID-19 is deadly. Between just the virus itself and the mental capacity of what it’s doing, life doesn’t feel normal. I feel like everyday it’s a new crisis and I’m honestly at max limit of what else could possibly go wrong. I feel scared to start any type of relationship romantically, I feel scared to even sign up for my next semester of school. This virus is basically ruining my life in more ways than one.

To the lady who told me, “You are young, you should be fine.” I hope you realize how damaging your words truly are. I am not worried about getting sick. I’m worried about my mental health, my bills, and potentially my job if it comes to that. I’m worried about my best friends who are unemployed. My OCD/bipolar lives on structure and knowing what to expect next and currently that’s not even an option I’m devastated for my brother who was supposed to graduate in May but looking like his whole senior year is gone. I am scared that my baby brother could just happen to contract it in any way. I’m heartbroken.

This is a very strange time to be alive in. Please check in on all your friends with mental health issues. We are all freaking out. Please try to stop mass hysteria. That’s what is eating my brain alive. Thankful for every single person that has reached out to me in terms of a text, phone call, making me laugh at work I am truly grateful for the people in my life. Thank you.

Break The Stigma

There’s still a stigma around mental health.

I still get weird looks from people when I tell them I struggle so here’s my story.

I remember it starting in my early teens. I remember feeling so awkward in school and never feeling good enough. I constantly got picked on plus the hormones it wasn’t a fun time. I listened to that teenage angst music. Cue Simple Plan and Paramore. It helped.

Some of my teenage years were spent mentally/emotionally abused. I won’t name names but it wasn’t fun. I self isolated a lot and took those depression tests on the internet that all came out positive and it scared me. I knew I was depressed and I never wanted to admit it to anyone. It took me years to finally admit it to my parents. When I did, I was met with love but at the same time it didn’t happen.

Fast forward to my senior year of high school, I should’ve caught the signs my mental health wasn’t good. I was in an AP class that stressed me out completely and by the time my last class came around I could barley keep my eyes open. I faked it till I made it. I ended up passing all my classes barely and was so excited to go to college.

College and the year after is a different time period.  I loved my time at Brigham Young University - Idaho. I love and adore the West. At the same time, I feel like the struggles with my mental health were brightened there. I remember clear as day there was always one class I’d be majorly depressed in. It was my hardest of the semester and I was extremely jealous of these couple of girls in my class who seemed to be getting special treatment. I ended up failing the class because by the end of the semester my mental health was trashed. I came home from school determined to serve a full time mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Nothing could stop me. My bishop was hesitant, my recent return missionary boyfriend was hesitant but man I wanted to. My mental health was the defining factor in me not going.

Roughly, the year after was when things got really bad and my world kinda ended. My engagement to a boy who I loved and cherished ended. I later met and dated a boy who later on sexually assaulted me and basically took my entire existence from me. That same year I was diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and eventually coming an eating disorder.

In May of 2017, I had my first inpatient hospitalization. I was angry. Oh so angry. I was missing work. They put me in isolation for the first 12 hours. I had nurses around me all the time. I had group therapy and other therapy and it was a mess. I remember my psychiatrist who I was seeing prior to my hospitalization also worked in the hospital was assigned to my case and he didn’t seem happy I was there ether. I will never forget the time I was trying to nap and he came in turned my light on and made me talk after he gave me a lecture on not talking naps as a psych patient. The clearest memory I have was my first therapy session and this guy was so excited about treatment and how it changed his life and how excited he was to go home to his new life. In my mind, I hated him with a passion. Who the hell is excited about treatment? Certainly not me.

After spending 5 days in treatment, I went home with a safety plan and more of a will to live. I thought maybe I would get better. That didn’t seem to happen. I spent that summer with an engraving eating disorder, more doctor appointments and not a will to live. It took lots of ER visits till one time in September of 2017 where a nurse got tired of my attitude and she definitely thought i needed to go. She involuntary committed me. To this day, I dislike her but again if I didn’t go the second time I wouldn’t be alive. I remember my siblings telling me I needed to go get help but me not wanting to go.

That week in September changed my life. I spent a week in a hospital that saved my life. I worked with a social worker who inspired me to go into social work. I got the help I ended. Made ever lasting friends and it opened my eyes majorly to live.

I’ve spent everyday since then in recovery. I moved to Vermont with my dad which at first sucked but again another hidden gem.  I’ve had my days. I’ve learned how to cope and I’ve learned how to deal. Since then, my baby brother was born and I’ve never had a greater reason to live. I tell myself that he never needs to hear of the person I was and that he needs to know who I am in person.

As much as I’ve been in recovery not everything is peachy. I’ve learned more to express my emotions instead of suppress them and that has lead to many many times crying. I’ve had lots of manic depressive episodes that has lead to me not wanting to do anything. I’ve had manic moments turn into stupid decisions.

I now work 40 hours a week sometimes more depending on the week. I am also in school part time trying to get my social work degree eventually with the hope of helping others who went through almost what I did. Eventually leading to break the stigma around mental health. People always ask me how and why I work so much and do school and to be honest it’s a coping mechanism. If I stay busy, I am not caught up in my head.

I am not ashamed to struggle with Mental Health and I hope everyday that it gets easier for people to tell their story.