Be Alright

Opening up is always hard but here we go.

May of 2017 I met a guy. I met a guy who I really liked. He was in the military and gosh darn it, it was attractive. We ended up starting to date and seeing where things go.

Right after we started dating, he went on a military training thing for a couple of weeks.

He came back and things were fine for a bit. Then for some reason, he got kinda distant. He would hide his phone away and when I would even pick it up he would freak out just a little bit. He would also tilt his phone away whenever he would put in his password.

I being paranoid I googled searched the likelihood that he was cheating on me. I didn't think he would cheat on me. One night before bed I saw him put in his phone password and then once he was sleeping I looked and saw he was sending messages to another girl. He was telling her all the things he was telling me and even telling her all about his training. She was also sending him pictures.

At that point in my life, I had just found out my then roommate stole my money and didn't pay our rent so I had to find a place to live so my apartment was basically empty other then my stuff. I ended up going into the other room and crying for two hours. I felt so broken.

I confronted him that weekend after meeting his mom.

I took him back because he seemed sorry and he cried in his car telling me how he messed up and how it was never gonna happen again.

We broke up for a reason I think my mind blocked out but after i moved on and started dating someone new he ended up slashing that guys tires.

After that relationship ended and we took a break from being friends or even communicating. I somehow was back in communication this this boy. We ended up hanging out again and going on dates and things seemed normal so normal.

It seemed normal until we put a label on things. When he became my boyfriend again, my every move was watched. He always had to know who I was texting. He didn't like the male coworkers I worked with. He didn't like that I had a guy friend who made me laugh.

It got worse when I went home to Ohio. I spent most of my trip trying to enjoy it. But in reality it was hard. I got texts and calls everyday of how I should've been in contact with him. I couldn't go hours without not talking to him or he would get mad. My sister couldn't make a joke about her getting all my time because he thought I was cheating. He tracked my location on snapchat to wonder who I was with.

I remember two weeks we went to a dinner and I made plans with a friend who I hadn't seen in three years between college and a mission and he got jealous and angry because I was excited. Well at that dinner, I kept getting my phone blown up because he thought I was cheating.

I got home and really ended things days later. I told him I wasn't happy and the jealously was killing me.

Recently, I hung out with him because I loved him and I wanted to see if maybe things would get any better. Of course they didn't as he started drama with another one of my guy friends. Everytime even recently if a guy friend would text me he would roll his eyes at me about it. I would get constant crap about my male coworkers and how they just talk to me to get with me.

That's not even the worst.

I googled searched signs of emotional abuse and mental abuse and I find myself sick of the realization of what it was. I thought it was just pure manipulation not abuse.

He recently admitted to trying to get me isolated from most of the males I knew. He also blamed all my guy friends for being my friend and me for talking to them.

I am scared to be happy. I am scared to get to know someone I have feelings for someone in fear of getting screamed at and put down. I have rejected dates with guys for a month because I am scared that someone is going to yell at me for even trying to have a good time.

I have taken a stand against my mental health in terms of just wanting to feel whole again. Confronting him and realizing that I indeed was in an abusive relationship is hard. So hard but freeing in the fact that someday I will be able to move on. Someday I will be happy. It has taken me a bit to wonder why I couldn't put myself out there and why I couldn't just say yes.

Abuse is never the answer. You don't abuse someone you love. You don't fuck them up emotionally and mentally.

22.

Everytime I think about days away from being 22, I think of how I didn't think I would live to turn 22.

I also realize I am open about things on social media so people don't look at me and say "Oh this is what you are dealing with" after they hear something about me. Usually what happens but not the point.

Between the ages of 12-16, I was heavily depressed. I was that angsty teenager who got into that pop punk music. I took depression quizzes online and wished maybe my parents would realize how sad I really was.

Fast forward to 20, I was hospitalized twice because all I wanted in life was to not live. Between one failed engagement, a rape, and a hospitalization by the time I was 20 and a half years old, living seemed impossible. I was under the microscope between family, my endless doctors, and I was at home barley living.

Then by 21, I was in an all new state and basically the way I see it a whole new life.

You see, I didn't expect to see 21. So when I posted a post on my facebook about growing up suicidal which yes yes I did and I made the comment about how I have no idea what the hell(yes I used hell) I am doing with my life because I really didn't expect to be alive this long.

For me, that post has summed up the last week or two of how I have been feeling and it was put into perfect words. I have been not too excited about turning 22 because in reality I have no idea what the hell I am doing with my life. I wouldn't say I am totally lost just kinda confused. Confused in a sense of "Oh i am alive? What to do now?"

I know the general answer, "Keep living, Keep moving forward." Well thanks that is what I did when i was 21. I am scared to be 22 but at the same time, you see 21 was huge for me in terms of so much.

When I was 21, I stopped living with my dad, I really got my heart broken, and honestly really realized what I wanted in life and how to get there. It was hands down the best year of my life. I found my independence, a job I don't totally hate(sometimes), and people I think I can actually surround myself with.

How do I top that?

That is another question that has been really floating in my mind in the last two weeks. How the heck do I beat 21?

Well I guess only time will tell.

Thank you year 21 for being exactly what I needed in terms of fresh starts, recovery,love and happiness. Thank you for being the year I felt like I really needed to live.

As freaked out as I am about being 22, bring it on starting Thursday.

Dear Ohio

I have been in your little state for two weeks(give/take a day) and I have done some crazy reflection.

I have literally gotten a little insight of what my life would've been like if I didn't move to Vermont. I feel like maybe I would've probably been working the same job I was when I came home from college.

Life is weird.

I hung out with some people who I haven't seen in sooo long. I saw someone who I haven't seen in over three years. CRAZY RIGHT? I actually went to a party. Who knew Kyrsten would actually leave the house long enough to go to a party?? My body hates me but that isn't the point. 

I honestly thought maybe I could fix a relationship that was very toxic before I left for Vermont but yes I learned that it is still toxic and something I need to leave in 2018. Thank u next! I am actually not sorry for that Ariana Grande reference. I decided I needed to leave it in 2018 due to the fact that when I was home nothing got better. Okay it got better for like 10 hours and that was it.

Ohio for me is still very toxic just in general. I was reminded of many failed relationships, I was reminded of my rape, and just mostly of the bad things. I spent some of this little vacation of mine dwelling on the fact that all the friends who wanted to hang out didn't hang out with me and that was disappointing in the nicest.

I am very grateful though to see my family. I got to meet my baby brother who is the cutest little dude I have ever met in my life. I have loved getting to know his little personality and finding out different ways to make him and laugh. It has been super great spending time with my sisters who always keep me in my toes and make me act like a little kid haha.

It has been good but very bittersweet to be home. I had a lot of feelings come back about a lot of things that I wasn't prepared to feel about. It was hard and very much emotional. At the same time, it made me remember some of the good times. Cue Good Times by All Time Low.

It was very bittersweet to hang out with some people who in reality I didn't want to leave. It was people who I didn't want to leave in the first place and seeing them again was hard especially not knowing when I was going to see them again. 

Ohio is forever my home. It was the place where I was born, the place where I learned most of everything I know. Vermont is the place where life got so much better. My life came full circle when I moved to Vermont. As bittersweet and emotional as it was to come home, I had fun when I did.

Thanks Ohio for the little vacation.

A Year in Life

When I think of 2018, I feel on top of the world.

This year, I moved out, started over, and found a new life. I found people in my life that I want to stick around and that I think that they want to stick around too so thats always fun.

I started over in Vermont. I mean yes, I was already living in Vermont when this year started but living there and not moving back to Ohio was the best choice I have made.

I started this year getting over all the drama from the year before. I was struggling to keep myself and the relationship I was in going and it ended up just not working out. I ended up becoming very manic and not really dealing with reality.

I soon hit a low point where I then confided in someone who I spent a good chunk of this year finding myself with him then I ever realized. He made me really examine myself of who I was and who I could become. Without him, I wouldn't be at my job or be living in my apartment. Without him, I don't think I wouldve faced my mental illness in the face and really told it that I wouldn't let it ruin another relationship.

The reason why that certain guy isn't in my life is because he couldn't handle my mental illness and I couldn't handle the distance or that's what I tell myself. He is a huge part of 2018. He is one of the main reasons why I survived. Honestly one of three people who helped me get through this year.

This year brought me though, basically the light of my existence. When I found out my step mom was pregnant, I didn't know what to think. Especially at twenty years old. Then I saw pictures of him  and my life changed. I decided then I was gonna make sure I was always living. I don't want him to grow up and learn about me through pictures and tears and memories. I want him to know me by weeks I spend with him watching Pokemon and Cat in the Hat. I want him to see pictures we took at family holidays and me giving him advice when he is older. I tell myself that I need to keep going on the worst days because of him. He is my lock screen on my phone and the pure reasons why guys think I have a kid at home when they ask me out on dates and honestly I wouldn't have it any other way. I am forever thankful for Anderson.

I am so thankful for this year. I look back at this year and for the first time in so long that I actually look back and smile. I smile at the trials and get excited at the fact that I made it through. I really made it.

Ive spent some good time in Ohio the last week and a half, and I have been really looking back at the comparison of the difference a year makes. I am not the same girl who left Ohio a year ago. I dont even know the girl from a year ago. Ohio holds a lot of bad memories for me. It holds my rape and it holds the years where I felt like I was living by a thread. Spending time here has made me realize that Vermont is my home. Vermont is where in ways I have gotten my life together. It is the new start I always dreamed about. I got to go somewhere where no one knows me. I got to ignore all the bad things that happened and make new memories.

For the first time in what seems like ever, I can generally say I am happy.

I have been so on top of the world in 2018 and I can't wait to see what the next year throws at me.

To My Last Boyfriend

I should hate you for cheating. That is the first thing that comes to my mind when I think of you is that I should completely hate you but I don't.

I do think of how pathetic you are but hey this isn't a blog post trashing you well not completely anyways.

When you first met me, I was dealing with a roommate who barley spoke to me. A job that made me suicidal and a manic episode that you didn't ever fully understand. You fixed my glasses in a Walmart parking lot. You let me kiss you because it felt right. We had fun and for the first time I felt like maybe something would go right.

You let me deal with my ex at the time and helped me through the hardest part of the year. I wonder sometimes if we got through that and made it why couldn't we have made it through this? As time went on, I never thought of us having an expiration date. I met your mom and she was terrifying and wonderful all at the same time. I was excited of the relationship I was planing on building with her. I met your best friend. The one who I made jokes about stealing you away from me all the time. I thought he was pretty cool too. Gotta give props to the guy who third wheeled us.

I will never forget the way you told me to get over my mental illness. You told me you didn't understand why I couldn't just get out of bed. You didn't understand why some days were a bad day even though nothing happened. Remember when you told me my mental illness didn't make me a bad girlfriend? Guess you regret saying that huh?

I remember getting the text from a friend about finding you on tinder. I remember fighting back on tears at work. I remembering wanting to scream at you when you called me that night. I remember praying and hoping that it was just some stupid mistake because you never seemed like the guy who would cheat on his girlfriend even if they were having problems. But you did and didn't even say sorry.

You broke up with me on a Sunday afternoon. I remember you standing on the edge of my bed telling me some bullshit excuse of how it was just over. You didn't want to understand my mental illness. You met someone else and just won't tell me but I know.

I spent a week trying to get you back. I tried so hard. I should've realized that when you didn't try then I should've stopped trying. I should've realized that when you got drunk instead of talking or realized when you blew me off that night that it was over.

It wasn't all negative. I am very for thankful for some parts of our relationship. Thank you for teaching me about my self worth. Thank you for teaching me that I should love myself when sometimes I just don't want too cause I don't feel like I should. Thank you for taking risks with me and showing me more of New England than I thought I would ever see. Thank you for teaching me how relationships should be 50/50 and full of compromise and passion. Thankful for teaching me about forgiveness and hope. Thank you for being one of a few people who saw potential in me in a time where I saw rock bottom again.

Thank you for making me feel so bad that I was able to truly cry for the first time in months. That allowed me to finally be more hopeful for the future. I can finally see myself in a much better place.

I hope you don't cheat on your next girlfriend. I hope and pray that you allow yourself to learn all about mental illness and actually understand how painful it is and how much it freaken sucks to deal with this on a daily basis. I hope you learn a lot about forgiveness. I am not gonna miss all the fighting and the worrying and banter about baseball. I won't miss trying to get ahold of you only to be told that you'd call me hours later. I will miss all the stupid snapchats and pictures. I'll miss hour long conversations where I am laughing till I am crying. I will miss debates about college football. I will miss who I once thought was my best friend.

Here's to new beginnings and the future.

its okay to not be okay

I recently got out a relationship that has consumed my life for the last five months.

It was the type where at first it was magical and sweet and uncomplicated and it seemed too good to be true. I cant pinpoint exactly why it ended but maybe it ended when my friend sent me a screenshot of my then boyfriend on tinder when he was at drill only an hour or two maybe three away from me in Vermont. Maybe it was over when he told me to get over my mental illness and i cried to my dad about it because I never understood how a guy like him could just tell me to get out of bed when it was physically/mentally impossible.

I spent a week trying to get him back. I prayed to God that we would get back together. I kept up with baseball even though for the life of me I will never like it or even try to understand it.

I confronted him finally about the cheating and all he said to me was that he didn't want to break up with me he wanted to do it in person. He told me how he didn't want to attempt to understand my mental illness. He didn't wanna try to make it work. He didn't apologize for cheating.

I cried for three hours the night I confronted him. I called a friend in Ohio and sobbed because I couldn't wrap my head around it. I couldn't understand why someone who I thought was one of the  most sweetest selfless guys would cheat on someone he used to tell daily how much he liked and cared about.

I have been spending the last week thinking through every little detail and yes I am that kind of person who needs to think everything though. I've learned that this breakup sucks it really sucks but I am gonna pick myself up and move forward. I am going to become the best person I can be and look forward to the future and whatever it brings.

I realize that even though I have hope and faith for the future, that it is okay to be sad. It is okay to grieve over this relationship. One of my favorite artists said this quote that I have been living by lately, "It's okay but it isn't okay to give up."

A year ago me, would probably be still begging her dumb ex for a spot in her life even though he doesn't deserve it. A year ago, I would be forcing myself to go to work and attempt to smile. Today, I am going to work because I need to survive and i am smiling because it is another bump in the road. I sometimes do not want to admit it but I have a full life ahead of me.

This isn't define me.

I may not be okay right now but sometime soon it will be so worth it.

-Kyrsten

words I may never say to you.

When I am struggling with something or actually kinda avoiding telling someone something I blog about it.

2018 has been the craziest year in terms of finding my independence, learning how to live outside of my comfort zone when needed, and of course being the typical person trying new things.

I am grateful. I am so grateful for all the new friends and the new experiences. I have laughed and smiled more in the last 6-8 months or so than I have in years.

I met a guy probably about five months ago give or take a couple of days. I remember going on our first date and just enjoying each others company and then my glasses broke. I didn't have money nor the insurance to get a new pair or get an eye exam so we went to Walmart. I remember going through Walmart and just making jokes but at the same time typical me panicking because hey I actually need to see. We got super glue and sat in the Walmart parking lot trying to fix them. I remember being on a  first date flipping praying that they would get fixed. Behold they did get fixed and me being the typical person I kissed him.

I remember going through the worst time this year between losing my apartment and having to move and then having to wait two weeks to actually move into a new place. During those two weeks, I had that boys constant companionship making me laugh and smile and making sure I didn't lose my mind. I remember being in the car with him for hours going to Connecticut to go see Warped Tour and seeing bands that he had heard maybe one song from each and some he had never heard.

I remember walking out of there feeling on top of the world living in some fairy tale. 

My favorite thing was always going to Applebee's and enjoying each other's company by just laughing or debating about how I didn't like baseball or how Alabama was better than Ohio State in football. I loved the late night phone calls and the fact that I had a best friend and a boyfriend all at the same time.

Relationships are not perfect. The honeymoon phase DOES end and you guys face real problems. Right off the gate, it was long distance and my mental health. My mental health has never been easy for any of my relationships. I self-isolate, I don't want to get out of bed most days, I get very anxious, and that became a problem. We fought and instead of opening myself up to teach him I pushed him away and I know now it wasn't fair.

Long distance is never easy. I have been in a long distance relationship from Alaska to Ohio. Utah to Ohio. Heck guys who lived hours away in the same state. It happens. I'm not a fan of it but if it happens then it happens. It gets real tough with my mental health and my constant need of affection and reaffirmation that everything is okay and you aren't cheating on me.

It took one Sunday after a drill weekend for it all to end and honestly? I have been kinda lost. It is kinda like a piece of me is missing. You don't honestly know what you have until it is gone. That sentence itself is honestly heartbreaking.

Life is life. Things happen. If it is meant to be then it will be meant to be. That's what I continue to tell myself as I go through the motions of each day.