Be Alright

Opening up is always hard but here we go.

May of 2017 I met a guy. I met a guy who I really liked. He was in the military and gosh darn it, it was attractive. We ended up starting to date and seeing where things go.

Right after we started dating, he went on a military training thing for a couple of weeks.

He came back and things were fine for a bit. Then for some reason, he got kinda distant. He would hide his phone away and when I would even pick it up he would freak out just a little bit. He would also tilt his phone away whenever he would put in his password.

I being paranoid I googled searched the likelihood that he was cheating on me. I didn't think he would cheat on me. One night before bed I saw him put in his phone password and then once he was sleeping I looked and saw he was sending messages to another girl. He was telling her all the things he was telling me and even telling her all about his training. She was also sending him pictures.

At that point in my life, I had just found out my then roommate stole my money and didn't pay our rent so I had to find a place to live so my apartment was basically empty other then my stuff. I ended up going into the other room and crying for two hours. I felt so broken.

I confronted him that weekend after meeting his mom.

I took him back because he seemed sorry and he cried in his car telling me how he messed up and how it was never gonna happen again.

We broke up for a reason I think my mind blocked out but after i moved on and started dating someone new he ended up slashing that guys tires.

After that relationship ended and we took a break from being friends or even communicating. I somehow was back in communication this this boy. We ended up hanging out again and going on dates and things seemed normal so normal.

It seemed normal until we put a label on things. When he became my boyfriend again, my every move was watched. He always had to know who I was texting. He didn't like the male coworkers I worked with. He didn't like that I had a guy friend who made me laugh.

It got worse when I went home to Ohio. I spent most of my trip trying to enjoy it. But in reality it was hard. I got texts and calls everyday of how I should've been in contact with him. I couldn't go hours without not talking to him or he would get mad. My sister couldn't make a joke about her getting all my time because he thought I was cheating. He tracked my location on snapchat to wonder who I was with.

I remember two weeks we went to a dinner and I made plans with a friend who I hadn't seen in three years between college and a mission and he got jealous and angry because I was excited. Well at that dinner, I kept getting my phone blown up because he thought I was cheating.

I got home and really ended things days later. I told him I wasn't happy and the jealously was killing me.

Recently, I hung out with him because I loved him and I wanted to see if maybe things would get any better. Of course they didn't as he started drama with another one of my guy friends. Everytime even recently if a guy friend would text me he would roll his eyes at me about it. I would get constant crap about my male coworkers and how they just talk to me to get with me.

That's not even the worst.

I googled searched signs of emotional abuse and mental abuse and I find myself sick of the realization of what it was. I thought it was just pure manipulation not abuse.

He recently admitted to trying to get me isolated from most of the males I knew. He also blamed all my guy friends for being my friend and me for talking to them.

I am scared to be happy. I am scared to get to know someone I have feelings for someone in fear of getting screamed at and put down. I have rejected dates with guys for a month because I am scared that someone is going to yell at me for even trying to have a good time.

I have taken a stand against my mental health in terms of just wanting to feel whole again. Confronting him and realizing that I indeed was in an abusive relationship is hard. So hard but freeing in the fact that someday I will be able to move on. Someday I will be happy. It has taken me a bit to wonder why I couldn't put myself out there and why I couldn't just say yes.

Abuse is never the answer. You don't abuse someone you love. You don't fuck them up emotionally and mentally.