2.5

2.5 years ago my life was completely different.

2.5 years ago, probably exactly at this time I was sitting in treatment angry at everything in the world. I was a couple of months post diagnosis from my severe depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and bipolar disorder and I wanted to die.

I spent all of 2017 on all sorts of medications, different therapies, and by the end of that year I would be inpatient treatment twice and living in Vermont by the time the new year came around.

I spent the following year dealing with the hardest part in my opinion.

Recovery.

July of that year, I lost my health insurance and could not afford my medications. I ended up spending fourth of July detoxing at work.

That summer, between couch hoping, moving to a different town, starting a new job, and still figuring out my recovery was hands down one of the hardest things to do. I remember relying on alcohol and very manic behavior to get me through that summer.

The end of the year brought a breakup that looking back was much needed. It brought a chance to go home for some much needed family time. I also got to meet my baby brother who I am sure is the sole reason why I am alive.

This year has brought a year full of change.

I spent most of this year chasing a toxic relationship. It tore me apart and didn't seem to affect him. I fell for someone who made me feel things that I hadn't in a long time. I ended up cycling between manic and depressive episodes. When I walked away, I didn't know if I would ever recover. I drowned trying to save myself from something that was so broken.

I spent the last six months or so just having the time of my life. I really committed to church. I got a second job. I ended up going back to school through a church sponsored program. I am stable.

This last two and a half years has taught me that recovery is not a walk in the park. Recovery is a walk in progress. For me, it is keeping myself so busy that I don't have time to fall back into bad habits. It is learning to laugh again after thinking you would never be happy again.

Here is to the last two and a half years of recovery and hopefully many many more.

Sober Up

This blog post is actually really hard to write but needed to be said.

Ive made some life choices, I gave up alcohol.

And before I go on, I was NOT an alcoholic read the blog post. Carry on.  

When I wasn't actively going to church, I did what most people did when I was 21-22 did, I drank went to parties did whatever. People assume that I did it because of the fact that I have been going back to church again because members of The Church of Latter Day Saints don't drink alcohol. 

That is part of the reason but not all of it.

Due to my bipolar disorder, I get very manic which leads to a lot of impassivity or as I would like to call it lots of stupid stuff. For me, I used drinking as a cop out. And let lead to the cycles of a couple of times a month on a Friday getting drunk. It lead to not so nice Saturdays and a nice pattern that lead to SO many dumb decisions.

Mostly for the sake of my mental health AND church, I decided to give it up for good. 

I feel like the whole reason of WHY I am writing this is because some "friends" of mine have taken upon themselves to "make fun" and "question" why I have stopped drinking the last however. Let me tell ya. It is extremely hard but I manage. I deal with my stress and my anxiety in its own way. Also, I can't wait to prove people wrong when they say I can't stay sober. I care about my mental health and everything else way too much to throw it away for alcohol.

I honestly have felt SO much better after really committing myself to staying sober. Not gonna lie, sometimes working at a liquor store isn't too much fun on a super stressful day BUT that is also what so much netflix is for. 

Life is life and I am working on myself and getting healthy.