Dear 2019

I know you aren't completely over but after a lot of reflection of this year I felt like this was needed. Here goes.

The first thing is that comes to my mind when it comes to 2019 is the fact that it felt like so many times I was pushed down to my breaking point. There was a point where I honestly didn't think I was going to make it. I thought I was going to spend the rest of the year drowning. Well i'm still here.

This year opened my eyes and my heart. I am thankful. You brought some people in my life. I won't forget all the adventures. Some late nights and some early mornings. The major heartbreak that I went through I didn't think I'd survive. People constantly made fun of me and questioned me of why I fell so hard and why it was so hard to let go of him. He made me feel whole for the first time in a long time and I can't wait to experience that in a non toxic way. I was also all in. I was in deep. I lost sleep, cried, cried even more, and lost myself in the process. I can't hate him if I tried but man sometimes I do.

With heartbreak, brings all new experiences. I have grown my hair. I wear lipstick once a week. I've met so many new people. Strengthened some friendships. I went on motorcycle for the first time in YEARS. Hello what? I went hiking. I tried different food and pushed myself outside of my comfort zone.

I'm forever grateful for the now strong relationship I have with God. I am thankful to be back attending church weekly. I got to attend the temple for the first time in three years. My heart is so full. Once again, God has shown much how much this gospel can really made an impact on your life. It has really brought back some light into my life. I love going to church and becoming more and more social every Sunday!

I think the one thing that this year has brought is the fact that I am going back to school. Not just spoken word. I officially started what is called the BYU Pathway program. It is an online program which is basically a college prep program. I am learning life skills, professional skills and other stuff to prepare me go to back to a full time university. It is amazing. It is only weeks in and I am learning a lot. It is gonna take up SO much of my time especially with also working but it is going to be worth it. I am excited and proud.

My mental health is stable. I will admit it is not in the place where I would like it to be. I would like to be in a better place but my mental health is a battle against my self and its an everyday battle. I am doing so much better than I used to be and I am proud of that. I am happy to be smiling more and enjoying life.

This year has tried to push me down but I pulled myself back up.

Thank you 2019 for everything. Yes including the fact that I have cried WAY more than I have ever wanted to this year. Thank you for all the laughs and smiles and wonderful things that you have brought into my life.

Unless something drastically happens in the next three months that I need another reflection post for the year, this is me signing off.

Until next time.

Kyrsten

My Bipolar Disorder

My name is Kyrsten and i suffer from Bipolar Disorder.

I wish that it was something easy to talk about. I wish it just meant that my moods just switch. In reality it is so much more than that.

Life with bipolar is weird and complicated. It is also one of the hardest most frustrating things I've ever had to experience in my life. I can have really good days where I am on top of the world ans then by the next day I can be in tears not talking to anyone.

Here are some symptoms that I commonly(probably everyday) deal with:

• Disorganized behavior
• Impulsivity  
• Manic episode(s)
• Insomnia
• Anxiety/Depression
• Mood Swings
• Sadness
• Loss of interest or pleasure
• Irritability

The list can go on if we are being honest but these are some of the most common and the reason why my days can be and are sometimes so very hard.

Recently, I went through this awful manic episode. I spent money that I shouldn't, I cried over my ecx boyfriend for no reason, I obsessively binge watched the third season of 13 Reasons Why, and probably more i cant think of off the top of my head. I freaked out on a Saturday night because I was home alone watching Netflix while my roommates were at work, and while my other friends were busy. I also got way too easily irritated at customers in the last week when they just wanted their liquor/gas/food and want to go home. It wasn't fun.

It was exhausting and frustrating. One thing I noticed when I am manic is that it was exhausting to talk to people who I am close to and all I wanted to do was withdraw. I would open texts and Snapchats and want to reply but it was hard to reply. I wanted to make plans but dread when I had an event come up. I wanted to be with my friends but at the same time I wanted to be alone more than ever.

Some people think Mental Illness is the end of the world for them. I know for the longest time I thought that my bipolar diagnosis was the end of the world. I wondered if everyone would see me differently. As much as I worried about that, it was true. People DO see people with bipolar disorder in a very different light. It was very much negative but it can be positive.

I am a person outside of my mental illness and sometimes I wonder if I even fail to see that. I know even on my hardest days that my bipolar disorder isn't me entirely. It does control a huge chunk of my life. I also know with the right coping skills and tools that I am able to keep it in check. I know that I have a huge support system and that I am never alone. 

My bipolar disorder will never be the end of me.