22.

Everytime I think about days away from being 22, I think of how I didn't think I would live to turn 22.

I also realize I am open about things on social media so people don't look at me and say "Oh this is what you are dealing with" after they hear something about me. Usually what happens but not the point.

Between the ages of 12-16, I was heavily depressed. I was that angsty teenager who got into that pop punk music. I took depression quizzes online and wished maybe my parents would realize how sad I really was.

Fast forward to 20, I was hospitalized twice because all I wanted in life was to not live. Between one failed engagement, a rape, and a hospitalization by the time I was 20 and a half years old, living seemed impossible. I was under the microscope between family, my endless doctors, and I was at home barley living.

Then by 21, I was in an all new state and basically the way I see it a whole new life.

You see, I didn't expect to see 21. So when I posted a post on my facebook about growing up suicidal which yes yes I did and I made the comment about how I have no idea what the hell(yes I used hell) I am doing with my life because I really didn't expect to be alive this long.

For me, that post has summed up the last week or two of how I have been feeling and it was put into perfect words. I have been not too excited about turning 22 because in reality I have no idea what the hell I am doing with my life. I wouldn't say I am totally lost just kinda confused. Confused in a sense of "Oh i am alive? What to do now?"

I know the general answer, "Keep living, Keep moving forward." Well thanks that is what I did when i was 21. I am scared to be 22 but at the same time, you see 21 was huge for me in terms of so much.

When I was 21, I stopped living with my dad, I really got my heart broken, and honestly really realized what I wanted in life and how to get there. It was hands down the best year of my life. I found my independence, a job I don't totally hate(sometimes), and people I think I can actually surround myself with.

How do I top that?

That is another question that has been really floating in my mind in the last two weeks. How the heck do I beat 21?

Well I guess only time will tell.

Thank you year 21 for being exactly what I needed in terms of fresh starts, recovery,love and happiness. Thank you for being the year I felt like I really needed to live.

As freaked out as I am about being 22, bring it on starting Thursday.

Dear Ohio

I have been in your little state for two weeks(give/take a day) and I have done some crazy reflection.

I have literally gotten a little insight of what my life would've been like if I didn't move to Vermont. I feel like maybe I would've probably been working the same job I was when I came home from college.

Life is weird.

I hung out with some people who I haven't seen in sooo long. I saw someone who I haven't seen in over three years. CRAZY RIGHT? I actually went to a party. Who knew Kyrsten would actually leave the house long enough to go to a party?? My body hates me but that isn't the point. 

I honestly thought maybe I could fix a relationship that was very toxic before I left for Vermont but yes I learned that it is still toxic and something I need to leave in 2018. Thank u next! I am actually not sorry for that Ariana Grande reference. I decided I needed to leave it in 2018 due to the fact that when I was home nothing got better. Okay it got better for like 10 hours and that was it.

Ohio for me is still very toxic just in general. I was reminded of many failed relationships, I was reminded of my rape, and just mostly of the bad things. I spent some of this little vacation of mine dwelling on the fact that all the friends who wanted to hang out didn't hang out with me and that was disappointing in the nicest.

I am very grateful though to see my family. I got to meet my baby brother who is the cutest little dude I have ever met in my life. I have loved getting to know his little personality and finding out different ways to make him and laugh. It has been super great spending time with my sisters who always keep me in my toes and make me act like a little kid haha.

It has been good but very bittersweet to be home. I had a lot of feelings come back about a lot of things that I wasn't prepared to feel about. It was hard and very much emotional. At the same time, it made me remember some of the good times. Cue Good Times by All Time Low.

It was very bittersweet to hang out with some people who in reality I didn't want to leave. It was people who I didn't want to leave in the first place and seeing them again was hard especially not knowing when I was going to see them again. 

Ohio is forever my home. It was the place where I was born, the place where I learned most of everything I know. Vermont is the place where life got so much better. My life came full circle when I moved to Vermont. As bittersweet and emotional as it was to come home, I had fun when I did.

Thanks Ohio for the little vacation.