words I may never say to you.

When I am struggling with something or actually kinda avoiding telling someone something I blog about it.

2018 has been the craziest year in terms of finding my independence, learning how to live outside of my comfort zone when needed, and of course being the typical person trying new things.

I am grateful. I am so grateful for all the new friends and the new experiences. I have laughed and smiled more in the last 6-8 months or so than I have in years.

I met a guy probably about five months ago give or take a couple of days. I remember going on our first date and just enjoying each others company and then my glasses broke. I didn't have money nor the insurance to get a new pair or get an eye exam so we went to Walmart. I remember going through Walmart and just making jokes but at the same time typical me panicking because hey I actually need to see. We got super glue and sat in the Walmart parking lot trying to fix them. I remember being on a  first date flipping praying that they would get fixed. Behold they did get fixed and me being the typical person I kissed him.

I remember going through the worst time this year between losing my apartment and having to move and then having to wait two weeks to actually move into a new place. During those two weeks, I had that boys constant companionship making me laugh and smile and making sure I didn't lose my mind. I remember being in the car with him for hours going to Connecticut to go see Warped Tour and seeing bands that he had heard maybe one song from each and some he had never heard.

I remember walking out of there feeling on top of the world living in some fairy tale. 

My favorite thing was always going to Applebee's and enjoying each other's company by just laughing or debating about how I didn't like baseball or how Alabama was better than Ohio State in football. I loved the late night phone calls and the fact that I had a best friend and a boyfriend all at the same time.

Relationships are not perfect. The honeymoon phase DOES end and you guys face real problems. Right off the gate, it was long distance and my mental health. My mental health has never been easy for any of my relationships. I self-isolate, I don't want to get out of bed most days, I get very anxious, and that became a problem. We fought and instead of opening myself up to teach him I pushed him away and I know now it wasn't fair.

Long distance is never easy. I have been in a long distance relationship from Alaska to Ohio. Utah to Ohio. Heck guys who lived hours away in the same state. It happens. I'm not a fan of it but if it happens then it happens. It gets real tough with my mental health and my constant need of affection and reaffirmation that everything is okay and you aren't cheating on me.

It took one Sunday after a drill weekend for it all to end and honestly? I have been kinda lost. It is kinda like a piece of me is missing. You don't honestly know what you have until it is gone. That sentence itself is honestly heartbreaking.

Life is life. Things happen. If it is meant to be then it will be meant to be. That's what I continue to tell myself as I go through the motions of each day.

Why I Didn't Report

With Dr. Ford coming out and sharing her story and what happened with Judge Kavanaugh I would like to share a story.

As many know, I was raped May 18, 2017. I remember how when I told him I didn't consent, he told him because I was still and quiet I consented. I remember how he was drunk and the way he pinned me down. The way that still to this very day I extremely anxious to this day about motorcycles because he loves them. I remember going to the doctor after being in excruciating pain for days on end only to find out that I was severely bruised from forced entry. I will never forget the anxiety attack I had when they gave me a shot with a needle the length from my wrist to my elbow to make sure I didn't have an STD.

I didn't report. I didn't come forward to anyone outside of my immediate family and friends for months.

Why?

I was scared. I was scared that I was gonna sit in a courtroom and lose. I was scared that I was gonna tell someone outside of my family and they would look at me and tell me it didn't happen. I was scared that I would constantly relive the worst night of my life so I could get justice.

Dr. Ford like many victims most likely spend years and years scared and alone with this secret. I bet it was when it was announced that Justice Kavanaugh was nominated, it brought back feelings and motivated her to come forward. She finally felt like she was going to get justice and it got shoved back in her face.

The National Sexual Violence Resource Center states that 63 percent of sexual assaults are not reported to police. Sixty Three. People who are sexually assaulted do not want to speak out because of cases like Dr.Ford.

My rape was the worst day of my life. I didn't report so I could save myself from more emotional damage than I already went through. It is damaging and it makes you feel like a terrible person.

Dr. Ford did what was best for her. She like many victims was not believed and that is exactly why people like me didn't want to report.