Stone Cold

Hello from Montpelier, Vermont!

On this last day of November, I try to think of everything that has gone on lately.

Life has honestly been hell. I am not gonna sugar coat it. Between work, my mental health acting up, and other stuff going on I am exhausted. I am here in Vermont to work and get my shit together and honestly I feel like I am in treatment but I am not and my dads here.

I got clearance from my doctors to come to Vermont and I feel the pressure on me to stay happy and healthy. SO MUCH PRESSURE. I've decided to take a blogging break in December to focus on myself and to work.

This year has been freaken insane. From being engaged to being in treatment not once but twice to being raped to moving all over it seems like to starting over with some of my relationships life has been insane. In all honestly, I would've been married if it wasn't for the stupid mistakes I have made.

I haven't really forgave myself for some of the mistakes I have made. I still beat myself up over it. Falling in love was one of my favorite things that has happened in the last two years and the fact that I severely screwed up is something I may never forget. I checked my timehop today and saw a thing I tweeted that said, "Forever changed by you." I never resonated with something so close. I had to learn how to be myself again because I lost myself falling in love. I didn't know who I was without him and I had to find that.

Finding that was hard. I spent many nights crying. I spent nights begging for him back. I thought maybe if I got him back everything would make sense. That wasn't in the cards. We both changed in ways I thought was impossible but it happened. I remember one night walking across town to his apartment complex and telling myself that I needed him.

Losing two best friends in one year is fucking painful. Losing the person I thought I was gonna spend forever with and someone who knew everything about me was another thing that broke me this year. I went from having someone that said no matter what he would be there to ignoring all my messages and not even being able to look me in the eye when they see me is rough. It makes me wonder why God puts me through these things. What did I do to deserve this? Is it because I felt human? Is it because I always believe in things too easily? I still haven't figured out the answers to that.

Being in Vermont reminds me a lot of Idaho. It only reminds me of Idaho because they both have mountains. I have already fallen in love with the mountains and I know saying goodbye to these mountains is going to be rough. Mountains to me feel like home. They to me make me realize that God has made something so beautiful and I feel amazed that I get to wake up to them outside my door.

This year hasn't been all bad. If anyone knows me, I am a pop punk princess or so I claim. Music has saved my life when all I wanted to do is die. I started playing the Ukulele and I love it. I feel most home at concerts. I've been to a handful of them this year and I've met some of the people who made my life bearable. Being at a concert and singing my heart out is one of my favorite things. 

This my life. It is simple and complicated. Right now, I am figuring myself out again and figuring out who I am without certain people. It is so hard but it is life. I feel as though maybe someday things will work out in my favor.

Life being Bipolar

Being bipolar is the most exhausting health conditions I have probably ever faced.

Constant mood swings and emotional break downs. No thanks.

Life is life though. I have actually am learning how to deal with it.

My life isn't easy. I wake up and take my meds. Then i sluggishly get ready for work. Will it be a good day or a bad day? Who knows?

I get to work very anxious. Every single day. I hope it is a good day but I do try to prepare myself for the worse.

Eight hours on my feet is exhausting. I come home happy that I don't work my second job but ready to lay in bed. It is a Monday so I wait to talk to my lds missionary friends. I get excited when they email and then I feel the little high of happiness fade.

My mind is all over the place. I suddenly get sad when I think about the past.

Backup. I am not gonna sit here and fill you in on the daily minds of me being bipolar.

It's real and it sucks. Somedays it sucks the life out of me.

It's ruined relationships and potential relationships. I overthink and make irrational decisions sometimes that cost me what I wanted the most.

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like without bipolar disorder but then I think about it and realize that I wouldn't be who I am without bipolar disorder. I have this mental disorder, it is apart of me.

It is a constant struggle and sometimes I don't win but other days I am laughing and smiling and it is like nothing is wrong.

It is something that will forever be with me.

I am not ashamed. I talk about my mental health to share my experiences and to shed some light about how mental health should be more talked about.

My life is forever changed and yeah somedays suck and somedays are the best. I wouldn't be alive without modern medicine but it is what it is.