Like a Broken Vessel

Im currently sitting in my house writing letters to friends on missions and blasting music from 2004 because I can.

In reality, this morning already I listened to a conference talk that I should've listened to weeks ago and I read this months ensign.

I have been hiding the fact that I have been really angry with myself and God and the way that things have turned out.

Now why the frick am I sharing this?

Well for one I am not gonna sit here and lie to everyone or give people this false hope.

As many know I started my mission papers. I've come across multiple health issues that currently prevent me from going.

And honestly that freaken sucks.

All I have wanted for years is to wear that name tag across my chest and sharing the word of God that saved my life somewhere in the world. Heavenly Father has other plans.

I have been so angry about it. I kinda shut out my friends and kinda pulled back from society. I still attended my church meetings but yet I was angry of why this happened when I wanted it so bad.

My boyfriend kept telling me Heavenly Father has a plan and no doubt I didn't believe that. It just for so long I was convinced that me swerving was apart of this plan.

It wasn't until really yesterday that Elder Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles shared a video Like a Broken Vessel (go check it out) that it really hit me. Mental Illness is no joke.

Heavenly Father has not given up on me the last couple of weeks so why am I going to give up on myself? He has a plan for me and I slowly but surely have to figure that out even if that includes not serving a mission now.

My health issues do not define me and I am not going to let them define me like I have been doing the last couple of weeks. It happens. I was meant to start my papers for a reason and maybe someday I will figure out that reason.

I am still the werido who wishes both of my knees were functioning and enjoys mountain dew way more than I should. I am still the weirdo who works at your neighborhood Mcdonalds but secretly wishes she had another job(it is fine kinda sorta).

I am still me and that is all that matters.

-Kyrsten

Life Unexpected

Roughly around a month ago I got access to my mission papers.

Yeah I started them! And I honestly thought this is what Heavenly Father's plan was for me. My plan was I start them summit them by the end of the summer and leave by late December/early January.

It turns out Heavenly Father had other plans for me.

I had someone walk basically back into my life and change my entire world when I was least expecting it. It was at a time when most things were not going well and I was having a really rough time. It was actually one of the biggest blessings in my life. I have slowly learned to start loving myself more because of him and I have never been happier.

My knees decided they wanted to play their games. I had terrible pain in my left knee to the point where I wanted to cry. Ibuprofen and my knee brace became my best friend. I decided to go back to the knee doctor and I told myself and Heavenly Father that it would be up to him if I would go.

I got a shot in my knee and a return appointment for the right knee that decided it wanted to join the fun. In my honest opinion(basically what I told my doctor) it is gonna be the same game I played last summer. Surgery.

I don't know what Heavenly Father has planned for me. I am hopeful to serve a mission. It has been one of my hopes and my dreams for the last three years.

It is crazy how unexpected life can be. I know Heavenly Father has a plan for me and I am slowly trying to figure it out.

I am beyond thankful for everyones love and support as I go through these challenges and difficult decisions!  It is so hard but it is going to be worth it and that is what keeps me going.

So basically I don't know how to feel about it but I want to be healthy so I am leaving it all to the Lord and hopefully I will have enough hope and faith to carry me through.

Until next time. Hopefully not months from now.

-Kyrsten