words I may never say to you.

When I am struggling with something or actually kinda avoiding telling someone something I blog about it.

2018 has been the craziest year in terms of finding my independence, learning how to live outside of my comfort zone when needed, and of course being the typical person trying new things.

I am grateful. I am so grateful for all the new friends and the new experiences. I have laughed and smiled more in the last 6-8 months or so than I have in years.

I met a guy probably about five months ago give or take a couple of days. I remember going on our first date and just enjoying each others company and then my glasses broke. I didn't have money nor the insurance to get a new pair or get an eye exam so we went to Walmart. I remember going through Walmart and just making jokes but at the same time typical me panicking because hey I actually need to see. We got super glue and sat in the Walmart parking lot trying to fix them. I remember being on a  first date flipping praying that they would get fixed. Behold they did get fixed and me being the typical person I kissed him.

I remember going through the worst time this year between losing my apartment and having to move and then having to wait two weeks to actually move into a new place. During those two weeks, I had that boys constant companionship making me laugh and smile and making sure I didn't lose my mind. I remember being in the car with him for hours going to Connecticut to go see Warped Tour and seeing bands that he had heard maybe one song from each and some he had never heard.

I remember walking out of there feeling on top of the world living in some fairy tale. 

My favorite thing was always going to Applebee's and enjoying each other's company by just laughing or debating about how I didn't like baseball or how Alabama was better than Ohio State in football. I loved the late night phone calls and the fact that I had a best friend and a boyfriend all at the same time.

Relationships are not perfect. The honeymoon phase DOES end and you guys face real problems. Right off the gate, it was long distance and my mental health. My mental health has never been easy for any of my relationships. I self-isolate, I don't want to get out of bed most days, I get very anxious, and that became a problem. We fought and instead of opening myself up to teach him I pushed him away and I know now it wasn't fair.

Long distance is never easy. I have been in a long distance relationship from Alaska to Ohio. Utah to Ohio. Heck guys who lived hours away in the same state. It happens. I'm not a fan of it but if it happens then it happens. It gets real tough with my mental health and my constant need of affection and reaffirmation that everything is okay and you aren't cheating on me.

It took one Sunday after a drill weekend for it all to end and honestly? I have been kinda lost. It is kinda like a piece of me is missing. You don't honestly know what you have until it is gone. That sentence itself is honestly heartbreaking.

Life is life. Things happen. If it is meant to be then it will be meant to be. That's what I continue to tell myself as I go through the motions of each day.

Why I Didn't Report

With Dr. Ford coming out and sharing her story and what happened with Judge Kavanaugh I would like to share a story.

As many know, I was raped May 18, 2017. I remember how when I told him I didn't consent, he told him because I was still and quiet I consented. I remember how he was drunk and the way he pinned me down. The way that still to this very day I extremely anxious to this day about motorcycles because he loves them. I remember going to the doctor after being in excruciating pain for days on end only to find out that I was severely bruised from forced entry. I will never forget the anxiety attack I had when they gave me a shot with a needle the length from my wrist to my elbow to make sure I didn't have an STD.

I didn't report. I didn't come forward to anyone outside of my immediate family and friends for months.

Why?

I was scared. I was scared that I was gonna sit in a courtroom and lose. I was scared that I was gonna tell someone outside of my family and they would look at me and tell me it didn't happen. I was scared that I would constantly relive the worst night of my life so I could get justice.

Dr. Ford like many victims most likely spend years and years scared and alone with this secret. I bet it was when it was announced that Justice Kavanaugh was nominated, it brought back feelings and motivated her to come forward. She finally felt like she was going to get justice and it got shoved back in her face.

The National Sexual Violence Resource Center states that 63 percent of sexual assaults are not reported to police. Sixty Three. People who are sexually assaulted do not want to speak out because of cases like Dr.Ford.

My rape was the worst day of my life. I didn't report so I could save myself from more emotional damage than I already went through. It is damaging and it makes you feel like a terrible person.

Dr. Ford did what was best for her. She like many victims was not believed and that is exactly why people like me didn't want to report.

Life Moves On

i'm alive.

That is all I can think about when I think of the last year. It has been 365 days since I was in the hospital for the last time. 

I remember exactly what happened when my dad threw me in the car and we went to the hospital. I was fighting with my mom and I was also very suicidal. I told my siblings I wanted to die and they told me to go get help. I remember my little sisters crying and my brother holding his composure as he had to come along to the car ride so I wouldn't jump out of the car.

I remember crying all the way there and still being in denial that I needed to get help. I remember hating myself because I was in the hospital a little over four months before. Why did I have to go again? I beat myself up because of it.

The hospital I stayed at before was full and I made a big deal about it because my psychiatrist worked there part time and I trusted him. I didn't trust anyone else. I mouthed off really loud about how I wasn't gonna go the hospital and I was fine. Then the nurse told me that she pink slipped me and she made my dad and brother leave. Her pink slipping me meant I was going to a hospital no matter what and I had no choice. I then had a panic attack and I cried and cried.

Finally early in the morning, I signed myself in the hospital and I spent a week figuring out myself. 

My week in there, I laughed and cried harder than I had in months. I met people who will always have a place in my heart. I remember spending nights chilling with everyone and hanging out with the nurses talking about whatever. 

I reflect back to my hospitalization and just think wow I am alive. I didn't think I was gonna get this far. I honestly say that a lot but I don't think I would hit major milestones.

Today, I am living life. I finally moved out of my dads. He left from Vermont in May and I stayed in Vermont. I have a full time job and I am also in a pretty great relationship.

The last 365 days have been the hardest but best moments of my life. My mental illness is still a very important part of my life. I still have bad days. I still sometimes want to lay in bed all day and do nothing. I also have really good days and days where I laugh till I cry and smile like it is out of style.

It happens. Life moves on and I am going to try to enjoy every minute of it.

Second Choices

Life hasn't been very fair to me lately. 

It seems like one thing has been really happening after another. I kinda sunk back into this normal pattern. I work and I come home from work and survive. I do what I can to the bare minimum. That's how the last week and a half or so has been. 

I was gonna write a blog post about why (I think) I have been feeling so off. I know recently, I have been feeling a lot like the second choice or I guess the second option to everyone. Between relationships, jobs, the military(I can't help that but still) I just have felt second. So I kinda did what I do best. I self isolate, push away, and survive. I'm pretty sure the only person I haven't really pushed away is my father but I mean lets be real hes one of the best people I know. Not the point.

Anyways, I have been doubting myself a lot. I have been trying to figure out so much of my life at one time. I think that is partly because SO many people I know are getting engaged, married, having babies, going on missions, etc. I am like "hey I really wanna go back to school." "hey i wanna move here" "hey I wanna do this and I think its right" I feel stuck. I mean I am not really stuck. I live in a great state and have great people around me. I just kinda wish I was doing more with my life but hey it happens.

After really thinking and debating n my head. I may have my moments and I act like an idiot but i deserve nothing but the best. I deserve for people to realize that I am not the girl that you call when you are having problems in your relationship. I am not the girl you just wait for the best moment to hit up. 

I deserve to have things work in my favor. I deserve to have people in my world who love and care about me. I deserve for someone to look at me the way Derek looks at Meredith in Greys Anatomy when he realizes that she is the girl he is in love with. I may have to take a back seat to the military and ya know that is okay. I totally understand. I want the time in my life where I wake up and not dread what I have to do that day or be extremely anxious about some really dumb situation.

It is gonna take some time and a hell of a lot of patience and until then I am gonna do me and just go with it.

-Kyrsten

Long Live

I have had a lot on my mind recently that has made it so hard to write lately. So here goes.

This is a story that a friend of mine graciously let me share.

Awhile ago, my friend met this guy and they hit it off. The chemistry between them was undeniable. 

The fact about the whole thing is that it was complicated. They were both in relationships. She swore up and down that she was happy and content with where she was at and he told her that it wasn't gonna last very much longer. She felt for him but at the same she knew they were playing a dangerous game.

As time went on, they continued to get to know to each other and things seemed really content. She enjoyed his company and she liked to think that maybe he enjoyed his company too. She convinced herself that nothing was gonna happen. In reality, nothing was going to. This boy had so many plans with his life and she couldn't stop him. It wasn't her place. He was so determined and he lit up every time he talked about it and that itself made her happy. 

She wants to have hope and faith that one day things would work out. She realized that this was just another life lesson in her book full of them. He was someone that she knew from the moment they talked that he was going to really impact her life. It was just up to her whether it was a good or a bad way. After talking to her, she still tells me that they still talk and interact but she knows deep down that they still have a connection. A connection that is their own little world. It is genuine and uncomplicated while complicated all at a same time. Whenever she talks to me about this she talks with a smile and ends up saying whatever happens happens.

The both of us listened to Taylor Swift's "Long Live" and she laughed and smiled and thought of the boy who turned her life upside down for a moment but made her realize that in a world of craziness she could have her own little bubble. She is forever thankful for that. 

I personally love the quote from the song, "I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you"

Makes it feel everything and more.

I guess what I learned is that everyone comes into your life at a certain life for a reason. We may not be totally ready for them and heck they may not be totally be ready for us but it happens. They always teach us a lesson and it is a good one or a bad one but it is something that most of us won't forget.

I am forever thankful for everyone who has been in and out of my life and the lessons they have left. Also thankful to my friend who inspired this blog post and finally broke my writers block.

-Kyrsten

World Suicide Prevention Day

Almost two years ago, I lost someone who if I had one more chance I feel like I could've made a difference.

I was in her position for years on end and it wasn't until last year that I got help. In 11 days, it will have been one year since I was admitted to the hospital for my last inpatient treatment. In those 5-6 days that I was there I learned more about myself and about coping mechanisms and other things that I needed to survive.

It hasn't been easy. I have taken off work and have had days where I laid in bed ignoring everything and everyone because I was that depressed. I remember fighting with my dad leading up to my last stint in treatment saying how I just wanted to die. I remember my sisters crying about how they didn't want to see that for me.

So again, I went to treatment. I guess this is turning into an emotional post about my last stint in treatment but honestly I wouldn't be alive writing this. I was at the point where I just wanted to end it all.

I am so thankful to be alive a little under a year later.

I have found so many reasons to live. Four months ago, my step mom gave birth to the cutest baby brother ever. I haven't met Anderson yet but I want my baby brother to know his older sister. I want him to know that I will always be around through everyone he goes through. I realize that my family still needs me and what not. I used to think that God gave up on me and maybe that is the reason why I am so depressed all the time. God never gave up on me. I know God puts me through the things that He knows that I can handle.

Mental Illness is no joke. I still struggle to talk about it sometimes. It is something though really needs to be talked about more. I know that I have found so so much comfort in my mental illness when people open up about theirs. It takes one story one person to be brave for someone else to realize that they are not alone.

The last two years have been the hardest but for the first time in a long time I have so much to live for and I am so thankful to be alive.

-Kyrsten

Blessings and Sprained Ankles

So I am not the most positive person in the world.

Everyone knows it and yeah that's life.

Lately, I have realized that me dwellng on every single little negative thing. Well most of them, as that has been my mind set for the longest time. I honestly believe that it is the reason why I have sunk so badly in my depression.

Anyways, I got sick and tired of being exhausted all the time so I thought I would change my attitude first and really go from there.

It has been a game changer. I have started just finding the little blessings of each and everyday and thinking about that instead of thinking of about the bad things during the day. I normally tweet about my blessings because actually writing them out aka making them public makes me feel like they matter and it actually happened. I am not that weird I promise.

Thinking about today it was honestly crazy due to a coworker showing up two hours late and throwing everything off schedule. Butttt theres always little blessings. I got a good amount of tips. The coworker who I thought I was struggling to get along with(I swore up and down she didn't like me) and I got along really well and we worked together well. We arent the best of friends but I don't think we hate each other.(I think that is one of the biggest blessings of the day honestly haha) I also didn't wake up right before work so I had time to eat and watch a little bit of my favorite show which is so much better than being rushed about everything.

Thinking mostly about the good things has gone so good. I honestly feel like I have a little bit more energy throughout the day. I feel like I laugh and smile a little bit more. My depression and anxiety don't seem to be in a corner laughing about how they can make my life a miserable mess. Yeah stupid things happened today, like again it was super hot today and my feet hurt after work and so.much.ice.cream but it happened. It is another day in my life and honestly it won't matter tomorrow. I look foward to the next day and what it brings.

Something that has been a blessing in disquise is having a sprained ankle since Saturday. You are probably honestly wondering why that may honestly be but just listen. It is a fun story. I wore a new pair of shoes late last week and I got a nasty blister and it was huge on my heel so me being a natrual toe walker(thanks Cerbreal Palsy) I walked on my toes and I somehow tisted my ankle. It felt funny Friday but I went on my day and then Saturday my ankle swelled up to the size of a golf ball and man that wasn't fun. Also funny thing, I also broke out in a rash thanks to the band-aid and the neosporin i put on my blister but hey life is funny right?

Here's where the blessings come in. I called my nurse of a dad limping home and I talked to him and he said get home ice and elavate the usual. So I did that and I prayed and prayed that the swelling would go down at least a little so I could attend church the next day and so I could buy a wrap for it. I took some bendaryl and some motrin(life savers I promise) and the next morning the sweling was down enough that I could attend church and decently walk to get the wrap.

Now the swelling has gone down and now it is just bruised a lot which honestly I am so thankful for. It could've been so much worse but if it wasn't for modern medicine and my dad I probably would've had to miss work and stayed in bed crying in pain. I am thankful for this lesson of wearing socks with new Sperry's that I always seem to forget.

My life never seems to be boring that is a fact but I am trying to live the best of it.

-Kyrsten