Life Moves On

i'm alive.

That is all I can think about when I think of the last year. It has been 365 days since I was in the hospital for the last time. 

I remember exactly what happened when my dad threw me in the car and we went to the hospital. I was fighting with my mom and I was also very suicidal. I told my siblings I wanted to die and they told me to go get help. I remember my little sisters crying and my brother holding his composure as he had to come along to the car ride so I wouldn't jump out of the car.

I remember crying all the way there and still being in denial that I needed to get help. I remember hating myself because I was in the hospital a little over four months before. Why did I have to go again? I beat myself up because of it.

The hospital I stayed at before was full and I made a big deal about it because my psychiatrist worked there part time and I trusted him. I didn't trust anyone else. I mouthed off really loud about how I wasn't gonna go the hospital and I was fine. Then the nurse told me that she pink slipped me and she made my dad and brother leave. Her pink slipping me meant I was going to a hospital no matter what and I had no choice. I then had a panic attack and I cried and cried.

Finally early in the morning, I signed myself in the hospital and I spent a week figuring out myself. 

My week in there, I laughed and cried harder than I had in months. I met people who will always have a place in my heart. I remember spending nights chilling with everyone and hanging out with the nurses talking about whatever. 

I reflect back to my hospitalization and just think wow I am alive. I didn't think I was gonna get this far. I honestly say that a lot but I don't think I would hit major milestones.

Today, I am living life. I finally moved out of my dads. He left from Vermont in May and I stayed in Vermont. I have a full time job and I am also in a pretty great relationship.

The last 365 days have been the hardest but best moments of my life. My mental illness is still a very important part of my life. I still have bad days. I still sometimes want to lay in bed all day and do nothing. I also have really good days and days where I laugh till I cry and smile like it is out of style.

It happens. Life moves on and I am going to try to enjoy every minute of it.

Second Choices

Life hasn't been very fair to me lately. 

It seems like one thing has been really happening after another. I kinda sunk back into this normal pattern. I work and I come home from work and survive. I do what I can to the bare minimum. That's how the last week and a half or so has been. 

I was gonna write a blog post about why (I think) I have been feeling so off. I know recently, I have been feeling a lot like the second choice or I guess the second option to everyone. Between relationships, jobs, the military(I can't help that but still) I just have felt second. So I kinda did what I do best. I self isolate, push away, and survive. I'm pretty sure the only person I haven't really pushed away is my father but I mean lets be real hes one of the best people I know. Not the point.

Anyways, I have been doubting myself a lot. I have been trying to figure out so much of my life at one time. I think that is partly because SO many people I know are getting engaged, married, having babies, going on missions, etc. I am like "hey I really wanna go back to school." "hey i wanna move here" "hey I wanna do this and I think its right" I feel stuck. I mean I am not really stuck. I live in a great state and have great people around me. I just kinda wish I was doing more with my life but hey it happens.

After really thinking and debating n my head. I may have my moments and I act like an idiot but i deserve nothing but the best. I deserve for people to realize that I am not the girl that you call when you are having problems in your relationship. I am not the girl you just wait for the best moment to hit up. 

I deserve to have things work in my favor. I deserve to have people in my world who love and care about me. I deserve for someone to look at me the way Derek looks at Meredith in Greys Anatomy when he realizes that she is the girl he is in love with. I may have to take a back seat to the military and ya know that is okay. I totally understand. I want the time in my life where I wake up and not dread what I have to do that day or be extremely anxious about some really dumb situation.

It is gonna take some time and a hell of a lot of patience and until then I am gonna do me and just go with it.

-Kyrsten

Long Live

I have had a lot on my mind recently that has made it so hard to write lately. So here goes.

This is a story that a friend of mine graciously let me share.

Awhile ago, my friend met this guy and they hit it off. The chemistry between them was undeniable. 

The fact about the whole thing is that it was complicated. They were both in relationships. She swore up and down that she was happy and content with where she was at and he told her that it wasn't gonna last very much longer. She felt for him but at the same she knew they were playing a dangerous game.

As time went on, they continued to get to know to each other and things seemed really content. She enjoyed his company and she liked to think that maybe he enjoyed his company too. She convinced herself that nothing was gonna happen. In reality, nothing was going to. This boy had so many plans with his life and she couldn't stop him. It wasn't her place. He was so determined and he lit up every time he talked about it and that itself made her happy. 

She wants to have hope and faith that one day things would work out. She realized that this was just another life lesson in her book full of them. He was someone that she knew from the moment they talked that he was going to really impact her life. It was just up to her whether it was a good or a bad way. After talking to her, she still tells me that they still talk and interact but she knows deep down that they still have a connection. A connection that is their own little world. It is genuine and uncomplicated while complicated all at a same time. Whenever she talks to me about this she talks with a smile and ends up saying whatever happens happens.

The both of us listened to Taylor Swift's "Long Live" and she laughed and smiled and thought of the boy who turned her life upside down for a moment but made her realize that in a world of craziness she could have her own little bubble. She is forever thankful for that. 

I personally love the quote from the song, "I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you"

Makes it feel everything and more.

I guess what I learned is that everyone comes into your life at a certain life for a reason. We may not be totally ready for them and heck they may not be totally be ready for us but it happens. They always teach us a lesson and it is a good one or a bad one but it is something that most of us won't forget.

I am forever thankful for everyone who has been in and out of my life and the lessons they have left. Also thankful to my friend who inspired this blog post and finally broke my writers block.

-Kyrsten

World Suicide Prevention Day

Almost two years ago, I lost someone who if I had one more chance I feel like I could've made a difference.

I was in her position for years on end and it wasn't until last year that I got help. In 11 days, it will have been one year since I was admitted to the hospital for my last inpatient treatment. In those 5-6 days that I was there I learned more about myself and about coping mechanisms and other things that I needed to survive.

It hasn't been easy. I have taken off work and have had days where I laid in bed ignoring everything and everyone because I was that depressed. I remember fighting with my dad leading up to my last stint in treatment saying how I just wanted to die. I remember my sisters crying about how they didn't want to see that for me.

So again, I went to treatment. I guess this is turning into an emotional post about my last stint in treatment but honestly I wouldn't be alive writing this. I was at the point where I just wanted to end it all.

I am so thankful to be alive a little under a year later.

I have found so many reasons to live. Four months ago, my step mom gave birth to the cutest baby brother ever. I haven't met Anderson yet but I want my baby brother to know his older sister. I want him to know that I will always be around through everyone he goes through. I realize that my family still needs me and what not. I used to think that God gave up on me and maybe that is the reason why I am so depressed all the time. God never gave up on me. I know God puts me through the things that He knows that I can handle.

Mental Illness is no joke. I still struggle to talk about it sometimes. It is something though really needs to be talked about more. I know that I have found so so much comfort in my mental illness when people open up about theirs. It takes one story one person to be brave for someone else to realize that they are not alone.

The last two years have been the hardest but for the first time in a long time I have so much to live for and I am so thankful to be alive.

-Kyrsten

Blessings and Sprained Ankles

So I am not the most positive person in the world.

Everyone knows it and yeah that's life.

Lately, I have realized that me dwellng on every single little negative thing. Well most of them, as that has been my mind set for the longest time. I honestly believe that it is the reason why I have sunk so badly in my depression.

Anyways, I got sick and tired of being exhausted all the time so I thought I would change my attitude first and really go from there.

It has been a game changer. I have started just finding the little blessings of each and everyday and thinking about that instead of thinking of about the bad things during the day. I normally tweet about my blessings because actually writing them out aka making them public makes me feel like they matter and it actually happened. I am not that weird I promise.

Thinking about today it was honestly crazy due to a coworker showing up two hours late and throwing everything off schedule. Butttt theres always little blessings. I got a good amount of tips. The coworker who I thought I was struggling to get along with(I swore up and down she didn't like me) and I got along really well and we worked together well. We arent the best of friends but I don't think we hate each other.(I think that is one of the biggest blessings of the day honestly haha) I also didn't wake up right before work so I had time to eat and watch a little bit of my favorite show which is so much better than being rushed about everything.

Thinking mostly about the good things has gone so good. I honestly feel like I have a little bit more energy throughout the day. I feel like I laugh and smile a little bit more. My depression and anxiety don't seem to be in a corner laughing about how they can make my life a miserable mess. Yeah stupid things happened today, like again it was super hot today and my feet hurt after work and so.much.ice.cream but it happened. It is another day in my life and honestly it won't matter tomorrow. I look foward to the next day and what it brings.

Something that has been a blessing in disquise is having a sprained ankle since Saturday. You are probably honestly wondering why that may honestly be but just listen. It is a fun story. I wore a new pair of shoes late last week and I got a nasty blister and it was huge on my heel so me being a natrual toe walker(thanks Cerbreal Palsy) I walked on my toes and I somehow tisted my ankle. It felt funny Friday but I went on my day and then Saturday my ankle swelled up to the size of a golf ball and man that wasn't fun. Also funny thing, I also broke out in a rash thanks to the band-aid and the neosporin i put on my blister but hey life is funny right?

Here's where the blessings come in. I called my nurse of a dad limping home and I talked to him and he said get home ice and elavate the usual. So I did that and I prayed and prayed that the swelling would go down at least a little so I could attend church the next day and so I could buy a wrap for it. I took some bendaryl and some motrin(life savers I promise) and the next morning the sweling was down enough that I could attend church and decently walk to get the wrap.

Now the swelling has gone down and now it is just bruised a lot which honestly I am so thankful for. It could've been so much worse but if it wasn't for modern medicine and my dad I probably would've had to miss work and stayed in bed crying in pain. I am thankful for this lesson of wearing socks with new Sperry's that I always seem to forget.

My life never seems to be boring that is a fact but I am trying to live the best of it.

-Kyrsten

Anxiety At It's Finest

I should be sleeping but ya know the drill.

I went off my medications about a month and a half ago due to insurance reasons and it has been the toughest battle. I want to talk about because I feel like so many people need insight on how to handle people better who have mental illnesses and so forth.

Lately, my anxiety has been through the roof. I started a new job, moved into a new apartment, basically started over. I have never been so awkward in my life. I get so anxious when meeting new people. I get anxious about things that are not in my control(thanks ocd youd the real friend).

It has been hard to say the least.

It has been a lot on my mind a lot because I recently moved into a new apartment and I just am so anti social it kinda hurts. I feel so bad because honestly I don't have bad roommates, I mean we are a week in things might change. I am so kidding honestly but real talk. They seem great people and I know I am not gonna get screwed over couple months down the road like I did last time. My anxiety is so bad that today I got excited for saying hi and what not. I may have not made eye contact cause I was heading straight for my room but hey little victories?

I also feel like my anxiety attacks me a lot at work and I feel like that shows. For those who don't know well sorry actually most of you don't because I finally can blog when I want. Anyways, I got a job at a little convenience store in town and it has a deli that I am working in. It is crazy because I never saw myself working in a deli. Never saw myself cutting meat or doing anything like that. I love doing customer service and I always veered towards that. 

At work, I will think I got something down and I get confident and ether someone will look at me the wrong way or someone does it maybe in a better/faster way and bam there goes my confidence and I will dwell like no tomorrow on it. It sucks but it is life.

Not having meds has really made me think and dwell on my mental illness alot. It makes me realize I took healthcare for advantage and how sometimes I really need to get my life together and sometimes I need help. I hate asking for help.

Saying that though, I have the best people in my life. I have people who for the most part understand mental illness. And honestly when I say most part I feel like no one truly understands mental illness because everyone is so different. Everyone reacts different and has different levels of how things truly make them feel. When the people in my life don't understand, I surely help them to make sure that they do and it helps the both of them out.

This isn't a post in the slightest of pitty and just saying "Oh i have anxiety" It is a struggle and it is an experience. It used to be something that my early teen self would sit in the basement and cry because I swore up and down no one understood me. I don't want anyone feeling that way so I branch out when I can and share my story through my blog because that is the easiest for me.

Two Years: Revisted

I have attempted to write a blog post like this but it has actually just come to this conclusion so here goes. And before people accuse me of whatever, just read the rest!

2 years ago I fell harder than ever. Over the last two years, I watched this guy change into someone I completely loved and looked up to. No matter what I was doing with my life, who was in it, he was in the back of my mind. Writing this is actually one of the hardest things I have had to do other than sending him off on his mission. I actually never thought I would have to write this but life has taken so many different directions.

I have struggled with everything under the sun in the last two years. Relationships(friends, family, dating), mental health, living situations, people you name it basically but he stayed. Every week minus 8 ish was something whether it was an email saying "Keep going" or a message saying "Hi" it happened. I was grateful. Though the tears, small victories, the large victories, and the trials he was there.

I watched my 19 year old best friend serve Mexico with all of his heart and fall in love serving the Lord as I fell with him. He knew how I felt and that's what I used to keep going. I told myself I'd get that chance. I mean he HAD to give the girl who wrote him for two years. Who knew.

He didn't and he doesn't. That honestly was a hard pill to swallow. A new scripture from the Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 2:27 talks about agency and the willing to make choices. He has the choice whether or not to talk to me and do whatever he wants. I can't wait around for that choice.

In the last 2 years I have struggled with religion. I basically became a model for Anti-Mormons. I drank, I got tattoos, I stopped going to church and basically laughed at religion. He knew this and regardless he sent me scriptures and talks by leaders. Today, I find myself as what I call a progressing inactive. I am learning again about my faith and sometimes struggling but believing in God and His power. I meet with the local missionaries, pray when I remember and read my scriptures. I always thought he would be the one beside me but it is what it is. As I go back to church, I realize I am doing this for myself not for him. I wouldn't be able to do it without so many great people in my life.

The future is unknown. I sent off a boy who returned with honor and what happened happened. I am struggling to find the words to say but loving that boy for the last two years has been beyond crazy and self discovering. I'm thankful and sad but at the end of the day I am so glad I loved someone like him.

At the end of the day, maybe God put him in my life just for him to help through the bad so I could get through it. Who knows. I will forever thank God for giving me someone like him to love.