2016 In Review

I'm alive well getting over strep but hey blogging world how is it going?

I haven't written a blog post since August and it is now Christmas Eve well probably Christmas Day or the day after by the time anyone gets to this post but not the point.

I can't believe 2016 is basically over! I always try to think of the year in review for my sakes and how next year can get better. In my opinion though, I loved 2016 while most people hated it. Yeah politics sucked and other things but life is life.

This year has been insaneee. I started it off in Idaho and will end it in Ohio. I started this year kinda scared of what was going to happen. I knew I was going to be taking classes winter semester and that ended up me coming home from school three months early.

In those three months, I started on some medications for my mental health issues. I started seeing a psychiatrist who I am thankful for. I realized that my mental illnesses don't defy me. I am still the same old me before I found out about these. I am the weird person who binges on netflix and loves food.

I sent some friends off on missions. Yeah, its hard. I never thought it would be so hard to send your best friend on a mission. Two years is such a long time. My friends are awesome. My closest friends are serving in Mexico City North, Temple Square, and Colorado Denver South. I am thankful that my really weird schedule of life still allows me to find the time to talk to them for a bit each week even if its one or two emails.

I've lost friends. Well I had a friend from my old high school that committed suicide. That was the closest I had been to a death in a long time. I cried for hours. It wasn't fair. It still isn't fair.

Ive had a few relationships this year. I almost got engaged. Lol funny but true. It wasn't meant to be. He is great. He deserves nothing but the best and he knows that for sure.

I met someone else who I'm still with. He is something special. He takes care of me when I need it. He is my best friend in the entire world. I don't know what I would do without him honestly. He makes me laugh and smile when I need to smile and drives me crazy all at the same time.

I have learned about life and love and how to take care of myself. I am the happiest I have been in a long time. Mental Health and finding the people worth being around is SO SO WORTH IT. I never realized how important it was to put myself first for once.

My advice to anyone struggling is so hang on. Life gets better trust me. As someone who suffers from OCD, Anxiety, and Depression. I understand.

I started the week of Christmas having Strep. Literally the worst thing in the world. I don't wish it on my worst enemy, I felt like death up until Thursday roughly. I'm still a little sick but im on the mend and I get to enjoy Christmas with my family so I am stoked.

I promise to everyone I will try to make more updates in the next coming year. If anyone wants to keep up with my writing I write for a website called The Odyssey through BYUI. Here is my profile :https://www.theodysseyonline.com/@kyrstenleake  if anyone wants to look though my writings. I usually post a new article on Mondays and they will always be on my Twitter and Facebook pages.

I love you all!

Thank for the love and support this year.

Here is to the new year!

-Kyrsten

Swim for Brighter Days

Life has been hectic.

Actually, I don't even think hectic even begins the explain or describe the last four months or so of my life. I don't know how to even start to explain it but everyone in a way deserves to know what has been going on.

I blog and I share my life because in some sort way I feel like someone out there reads this and is like man I needed this right now or I know exactly how she feels.

I am open about my struggle or in a way I try to be. I closed myself out to others and to a lot of things in a way that was so not healthy and it took awhile to realize that I need to get my life totally back on track.

I was drowning. I was gonna go on a mission. I came home from school all excited all beyond ready. And then once you hear the words that you were diagnosed with anxiety/depression/ocd all within weeks it hits you like a ton of bricks. There went my hopes and dreams for a mission.

On top of that, my knees decided they wanted to act up again. I went back to the doctor after a failed surgery and we tried a shot and still pain. Then my right knee started acting up. Well ya know two not working knees how lovely right.

My world was falling apart. I was in a relationship where I felt the need that I needed to perfect. I needed to be this strong person whose issues could easily be solved with the words, "I love you" and "I promise things are going to be okay." After hearing those words, I became so angry with myself and the world. I shut him out when I don't think he knew it and I shut my friends out for weeks when I couldn't figure anything out.  Things were not okay. They were not getting better.

I ended that relationship because I wasn't ready. I loved him and in a way I still do. I ended it because I needed to remember that I don't need to strive to be perfect. I wanted to be the girl who was strong and he could always go to and that he would marry someday in the temple. I wasn't strong. I kept my issues and listened to him and bottled everything up until I broke. He trusted me with everything and I couldn't tell him that secretly I was just drowning.

 All my issues were not gonna be solved with the words "I love you" and "Things are gonna be okay." I knew inside that those words never helped yet I continued hearing them and I kept silent. I let him believe that I was okay when I wasn't and it wasn't fair to him. I wasn't who he thought he was and that made me really realize how I couldn't continue dragging him into it.

It wasn't until I saw my psychiatrist for the first time that my life made sense. Before I saw him nothing made sense in my mind of why I thought the way I did and why I couldn't control things that were happening and what happened in the past.

That being said, I am taking a year off of school. I am going to focus on getting in control of my mind and i am going to solve what the actual heck is going on with my knees. And for me to type that is one of the hardest things ever. Anyone who knows me knows I love BYUI. Holy heck I love Idaho and I love my mountains and not seeing my friends in the fall sucks so much.

But honestly I am learning to be okay. I am learning more about myself than I thought I would.This next year is gonna be me getting my life on track. I am going to learn how to cope with my mental health.

My mind has been a mess but I am not ashamed to share anymore what I have been going through lately. I am not scared anymore to say I was so sad and sometimes I still am and I am figuring it out. I am still the same weirdo who loves pizza and french fries.

I am figuring out that I will be okay. I will figure out what I am meant to do and who I am meant to be.

I am okay.

There is a song by the band Jack Mannequin. It is called Swim.

That song literally is currently the anthem of the last four months especially looking back of how far I have come. If anyone would've asked me how I was a month or two I would have looked at you dead in the eye and lied and said I am fine and that my life was just peachy.

The lyrics, "I swim to brighter days despite the absence of sun choking on salt water I'm not giving in I swim." saved me during a breakdown.

I will literally win and swim for brighter days to be happy no matter how hard it is. I deal with the bad days and praise where I can look at my best friend and say I had a good day.

I really love and appreciate my dad and some of my close friends for really sticking by me for the last couple of months and dealing with the fact that I am truly finding myself and dealing with my issues. You are the reason I continue to fight this battle!

Mental illnesses are no joke. That being said I am not ashamed of the battle I fight daily.

Until next time.

Kyrsten

Like a Broken Vessel

Im currently sitting in my house writing letters to friends on missions and blasting music from 2004 because I can.

In reality, this morning already I listened to a conference talk that I should've listened to weeks ago and I read this months ensign.

I have been hiding the fact that I have been really angry with myself and God and the way that things have turned out.

Now why the frick am I sharing this?

Well for one I am not gonna sit here and lie to everyone or give people this false hope.

As many know I started my mission papers. I've come across multiple health issues that currently prevent me from going.

And honestly that freaken sucks.

All I have wanted for years is to wear that name tag across my chest and sharing the word of God that saved my life somewhere in the world. Heavenly Father has other plans.

I have been so angry about it. I kinda shut out my friends and kinda pulled back from society. I still attended my church meetings but yet I was angry of why this happened when I wanted it so bad.

My boyfriend kept telling me Heavenly Father has a plan and no doubt I didn't believe that. It just for so long I was convinced that me swerving was apart of this plan.

It wasn't until really yesterday that Elder Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles shared a video Like a Broken Vessel (go check it out) that it really hit me. Mental Illness is no joke.

Heavenly Father has not given up on me the last couple of weeks so why am I going to give up on myself? He has a plan for me and I slowly but surely have to figure that out even if that includes not serving a mission now.

My health issues do not define me and I am not going to let them define me like I have been doing the last couple of weeks. It happens. I was meant to start my papers for a reason and maybe someday I will figure out that reason.

I am still the werido who wishes both of my knees were functioning and enjoys mountain dew way more than I should. I am still the weirdo who works at your neighborhood Mcdonalds but secretly wishes she had another job(it is fine kinda sorta).

I am still me and that is all that matters.

-Kyrsten

Life Unexpected

Roughly around a month ago I got access to my mission papers.

Yeah I started them! And I honestly thought this is what Heavenly Father's plan was for me. My plan was I start them summit them by the end of the summer and leave by late December/early January.

It turns out Heavenly Father had other plans for me.

I had someone walk basically back into my life and change my entire world when I was least expecting it. It was at a time when most things were not going well and I was having a really rough time. It was actually one of the biggest blessings in my life. I have slowly learned to start loving myself more because of him and I have never been happier.

My knees decided they wanted to play their games. I had terrible pain in my left knee to the point where I wanted to cry. Ibuprofen and my knee brace became my best friend. I decided to go back to the knee doctor and I told myself and Heavenly Father that it would be up to him if I would go.

I got a shot in my knee and a return appointment for the right knee that decided it wanted to join the fun. In my honest opinion(basically what I told my doctor) it is gonna be the same game I played last summer. Surgery.

I don't know what Heavenly Father has planned for me. I am hopeful to serve a mission. It has been one of my hopes and my dreams for the last three years.

It is crazy how unexpected life can be. I know Heavenly Father has a plan for me and I am slowly trying to figure it out.

I am beyond thankful for everyones love and support as I go through these challenges and difficult decisions!  It is so hard but it is going to be worth it and that is what keeps me going.

So basically I don't know how to feel about it but I want to be healthy so I am leaving it all to the Lord and hopefully I will have enough hope and faith to carry me through.

Until next time. Hopefully not months from now.

-Kyrsten

Reality

I never imagined my life would be the way it is currently six months ago.

I used be scared of jumping into things head first and following promptings(sorry Heavenly Father).

Now my life is probably just as hectic maybe a tad more hectic as it was six months ago but I wouldn't change a thing.

I used to live in this fantasy of some sorts that when my best friend got home from his mission in February and then we would magically get together and things would magically work out. Right because thats how life works out right?

Nah. I hate to admit this but for a second I had myself convinced that nothing would happen and that whenever we would talk about going on a date or something in my head I would be okay thats like six months away lots can happen.

Fast forward to now. He came back to Ohio for a funeral for one of his converts and the moment he said he was coming back I had this little freak out. It was like all of my feelings had come rushing back. He also had to see me or he at least really wanted too.

Part of me was kinda really torn. I was dead set with what was going on in my life. I had a job and I was about to start on another adventure(another story for another day).

It wasn't until I saw him that my life was kinda turned upside down in a good way. I hadn't seen him in almost a year and yet it seemed like I had known him for longer than the two years that I have known him. It was awkward at first I am not going to lie. I am one awkward person haha but we dealt with it.

The rest of the time spent with him was kinda a miracle in ways I didn't realize. My house was the calmest it had been in awhile and I realized Heavenly Father had other plans for me.

A week ago I made the decision to try long distance when I used to think people were stupid for doing long distance and I always said it never worked.

 

 

He is my best friend and my boyfriend all in one. How great is that? He listens to all my rants and deals with the fact that I always fall asleep while texting him at night. He gets along with my family and is one of the most sweetest understanding people I know.

I know this is chessy and what not and probably unexpected. Yeah I never thought this would happen in a million years but I have never been happier.

Heavenly Father certainly has things happen for a reason. Yeah it sucked that he came to Ohio for a funeral but at the same time theres always light at the end of a dark tunnel.

I love this guy and I am beyond excited to see what the future holds!

Thats the major update currently in my life.

Until next time!

-Kyrsten

Blessings in Disguise

Crazy how much one weekend changes everything!

This weekend I got to hear the 187th General Conference. General Conference is held twice a year in April and October. We as members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints hear from our leaders of the church on lots of different topics.

During this conference, I was beyond lucky to watch it on tv with my roommates instead of on my laptop by myself. You could honestly feel the spirit more in the room and I got much more out of it.

I went into conference this weekend stressed out and still down about stuff and so I wasn't prepared as I really liked to me as much as I hate to admit that.

But honestly it hit me like a ton of bricks. In the Saturday morning session, there was a talk given by Elder Kevin R. Duncan called, "The Healing Ointment of Forgiveness". It really hit home for me about everything that had been going on recently. 

I have had hard time forgiving someone and what not. I realized that since I need to forgive them then I need to see them the way that God sees them. I also feel like I was being called out in a way because soon after Elder Duncan said that we should not define people by the worst things that they have done. If we want to be forgiven for our sins then we need to forgive ourselves and others. 

Again, I felt like it was something I really needed to hear. It was one of my favorite talks from this general conference. I know for a fact that I need to work on forgiveness and apply it more to my life.

Another really good talk was from the Sunday Morning session! Elder Quentin L. Cook gave a talk called "See Yourself in the Temple." Anyone who knows me knows I have a huge love for the temple. I have a goal in life to visit and do a session in every single temple in the United States. So far I have done a session in three temple and visited the grounds of five soon to be six or more depending on a road trip with my dad this week.  

Fun fact about Elder Cook is that I saw him at a devotional in Ohio last August. That was sweet! 

Elder Cook talked about how we should make the temple our goal. We should not focus on perfection which is huge because I know for a fact I dwell on a lot. The temple can be our place of peace and we can be close to the Lord while in the temple.

I know for a fact that while I am in the temple that I can feel closer to the Lord and I can feel safe and I can feel peace. It is a wonderful feeling to go in there and sit in the House of the Lord! 

I love this talk because I totally understood everything Elder Cook was touching on. I went to the temple on Wednesday for the first time in two weeks and I instantly felt better. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. 

Conference was amazing. I could go on and on about the talks that were given this weekend but I won't to make this super long.

I love this gospel so much. I am thankful for the happiness and the joy that it brings to me and others around the world. This weekend was so uplifting and it gives me so much hope for the future.

Next time, I will be blogging from ether Ohio or whatever eastern state that I will be in. 

Have a great week! Love you all!

-Kyrsten

Agency

I have been trying to think of what to blog for the last three days.

It has been driving me completely crazy because normally I can think of something and bam there is a blog post.

Life hasn't really been in a walk in the park lately and I think that is why I have been so hesitant on blogging recently.

It's funny that I have been so hesitant lately because I never am. I usually am so open on here and what not. I just haven't felt the need to.

But hello I am alive and surviving!

I really learned a huge lesson in agency the last couple of weeks that I would like to share. Having agency means you can make your own choices and basically face whatever consequences later on.

For me, that was the choice of seeing a guy who turned out to be kinda toxic. It was toxic basically from the start. I think in the back of my mind I knew it wasn't right but heck I was happy for the first time in awhile and I was having fun so why not roll with it.

It wasn't until my friends got involved that things kinda took a turn. They met him and they knew he just wasn't good news and for me that hurts. I mean who would be happy if their best friends didn't like the guy they were kinda seeing.

Anyways without going into details, I ended up walking away from the situation. And it is hard. It still is. It isn't my proudest moment but I learned that you have to make your own decisions.

You make your decisions and learn from them. Whether they are mistakes or what not.

It is so funny how lessons are learned. I didn't think it would be in that way but it happened. I also learned to totally trust my friends judgement of the guys I hang out and to honestly ask for their opinions.

Basically that has been the last couple of weeks of my life. Trying to pick up my life and figure out what the heck to do.

In other news, I leave Idaho in roughly five days or so! Gotta start this new chapter of my life somewhere! 

-Kyrsten