A Letter to 2019

I tried to write this once but here I am.

It is because being home really brings back all the memories.

2019 has been a joke. I laugh when I say that because it basically has been. It feels like it has been the worst and best year of my life. Between my faith crisis and a toxic relationship that felt like it could've killed me to being the happiest I have been in a very long time. It is a life.

I am happy to be alive. I can't thank my friends and my family for basically keeping me alive through another year. I know my mental health has gotten so much better but at the same time I always need my friends and my family to get me through it.

I thank the toxic relationship I was in. It has taken me so long to be appreciative from what that has taught me. I know what I deserve. I know what I want. I know that I was treated so badly and that no apologize would ever fix it but I forgive him. I actually forgive him what he put me through. Took a very long time. If it wasn't for him, I don't think I would be in the situation that I am in now. I wish him nothing but the best for him and his new girlfriend. I hope things work out.

My faith crisis took most of the year I want to say but at the end I am so happy and thankful. I went into this year freshly going back to church after swearing up and down that I wouldn't and it helped. I don't think I have gotten down and prayed to my knees before this year. Towards the end of the year, my church started a Young Singles Adult group to meet every Sunday and it has brought blessings in itself. I have built such a testimony with so many other friends and I am thankful for each and everyone of them. I do have to thank God for His hand in my life. He has strengthened relationships with my friends and family members, He has brought me into the path that I needed to be.

At one point, this year I worked two jobs and was in school part time. You may say I am crazy but I loved it. I loved being busy. I loved realizing I had such a purpose. I have so much going with being as busy as I am. I realized that I can stay out of so much trouble.

As for me currently? I am home in the great state of Ohio until early January. When I return, I go back to work and school for the semester. I am in a good place. I have such a feeling that 2020 is going to bring the best blessings.

Happy Holidays everyone! See ya in 2020!

2.5

2.5 years ago my life was completely different.

2.5 years ago, probably exactly at this time I was sitting in treatment angry at everything in the world. I was a couple of months post diagnosis from my severe depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and bipolar disorder and I wanted to die.

I spent all of 2017 on all sorts of medications, different therapies, and by the end of that year I would be inpatient treatment twice and living in Vermont by the time the new year came around.

I spent the following year dealing with the hardest part in my opinion.

Recovery.

July of that year, I lost my health insurance and could not afford my medications. I ended up spending fourth of July detoxing at work.

That summer, between couch hoping, moving to a different town, starting a new job, and still figuring out my recovery was hands down one of the hardest things to do. I remember relying on alcohol and very manic behavior to get me through that summer.

The end of the year brought a breakup that looking back was much needed. It brought a chance to go home for some much needed family time. I also got to meet my baby brother who I am sure is the sole reason why I am alive.

This year has brought a year full of change.

I spent most of this year chasing a toxic relationship. It tore me apart and didn't seem to affect him. I fell for someone who made me feel things that I hadn't in a long time. I ended up cycling between manic and depressive episodes. When I walked away, I didn't know if I would ever recover. I drowned trying to save myself from something that was so broken.

I spent the last six months or so just having the time of my life. I really committed to church. I got a second job. I ended up going back to school through a church sponsored program. I am stable.

This last two and a half years has taught me that recovery is not a walk in the park. Recovery is a walk in progress. For me, it is keeping myself so busy that I don't have time to fall back into bad habits. It is learning to laugh again after thinking you would never be happy again.

Here is to the last two and a half years of recovery and hopefully many many more.

Sober Up

This blog post is actually really hard to write but needed to be said.

Ive made some life choices, I gave up alcohol.

And before I go on, I was NOT an alcoholic read the blog post. Carry on.  

When I wasn't actively going to church, I did what most people did when I was 21-22 did, I drank went to parties did whatever. People assume that I did it because of the fact that I have been going back to church again because members of The Church of Latter Day Saints don't drink alcohol. 

That is part of the reason but not all of it.

Due to my bipolar disorder, I get very manic which leads to a lot of impassivity or as I would like to call it lots of stupid stuff. For me, I used drinking as a cop out. And let lead to the cycles of a couple of times a month on a Friday getting drunk. It lead to not so nice Saturdays and a nice pattern that lead to SO many dumb decisions.

Mostly for the sake of my mental health AND church, I decided to give it up for good. 

I feel like the whole reason of WHY I am writing this is because some "friends" of mine have taken upon themselves to "make fun" and "question" why I have stopped drinking the last however. Let me tell ya. It is extremely hard but I manage. I deal with my stress and my anxiety in its own way. Also, I can't wait to prove people wrong when they say I can't stay sober. I care about my mental health and everything else way too much to throw it away for alcohol.

I honestly have felt SO much better after really committing myself to staying sober. Not gonna lie, sometimes working at a liquor store isn't too much fun on a super stressful day BUT that is also what so much netflix is for. 

Life is life and I am working on myself and getting healthy. 

If I'm Being Honest

If I'm Being Honest...

First of all I don't know who reads my blog posts or what but I am about to get real deep or at least I think.

The six to seven months have been a roller coaster. Everyone in their right minds knows how much I have been through. I honestly thought when I was slightly happy again I was over it. I was over everything and I could move on,

Just kidding.

I still find myself missing people I really shouldn't. I still post songs and quotes on my stories for certain people to see. (Oops there's the tea.) I still hope they think about me like I think about them.I still cry, not very often but once in a blue. I even got into a relationship for a little bit that I swore up and down I was ready for but it ended for a complete different reason and maybe in reality I wasn't ready for ether.

I thought I had learned everything I needed to learn from it all and I was ready. I was in a very fixed mindset. I was confident and content and didn't feel the need to learn and grow anymore. Well, the fixed mindset I was in was not healthy.

Silly me.

I still have SO much growing to do. I know myself and I know I have so much more potential. I have so much to learn in the next however long it takes to me fully content. I knew I was content but I was comfortable. I am ready to get out of my comfort zone and see what the world offers me.

I am scared to death but ready.

Here's to new adventures more than I ever know.

Dear 2019

I know you aren't completely over but after a lot of reflection of this year I felt like this was needed. Here goes.

The first thing is that comes to my mind when it comes to 2019 is the fact that it felt like so many times I was pushed down to my breaking point. There was a point where I honestly didn't think I was going to make it. I thought I was going to spend the rest of the year drowning. Well i'm still here.

This year opened my eyes and my heart. I am thankful. You brought some people in my life. I won't forget all the adventures. Some late nights and some early mornings. The major heartbreak that I went through I didn't think I'd survive. People constantly made fun of me and questioned me of why I fell so hard and why it was so hard to let go of him. He made me feel whole for the first time in a long time and I can't wait to experience that in a non toxic way. I was also all in. I was in deep. I lost sleep, cried, cried even more, and lost myself in the process. I can't hate him if I tried but man sometimes I do.

With heartbreak, brings all new experiences. I have grown my hair. I wear lipstick once a week. I've met so many new people. Strengthened some friendships. I went on motorcycle for the first time in YEARS. Hello what? I went hiking. I tried different food and pushed myself outside of my comfort zone.

I'm forever grateful for the now strong relationship I have with God. I am thankful to be back attending church weekly. I got to attend the temple for the first time in three years. My heart is so full. Once again, God has shown much how much this gospel can really made an impact on your life. It has really brought back some light into my life. I love going to church and becoming more and more social every Sunday!

I think the one thing that this year has brought is the fact that I am going back to school. Not just spoken word. I officially started what is called the BYU Pathway program. It is an online program which is basically a college prep program. I am learning life skills, professional skills and other stuff to prepare me go to back to a full time university. It is amazing. It is only weeks in and I am learning a lot. It is gonna take up SO much of my time especially with also working but it is going to be worth it. I am excited and proud.

My mental health is stable. I will admit it is not in the place where I would like it to be. I would like to be in a better place but my mental health is a battle against my self and its an everyday battle. I am doing so much better than I used to be and I am proud of that. I am happy to be smiling more and enjoying life.

This year has tried to push me down but I pulled myself back up.

Thank you 2019 for everything. Yes including the fact that I have cried WAY more than I have ever wanted to this year. Thank you for all the laughs and smiles and wonderful things that you have brought into my life.

Unless something drastically happens in the next three months that I need another reflection post for the year, this is me signing off.

Until next time.

Kyrsten

My Bipolar Disorder

My name is Kyrsten and i suffer from Bipolar Disorder.

I wish that it was something easy to talk about. I wish it just meant that my moods just switch. In reality it is so much more than that.

Life with bipolar is weird and complicated. It is also one of the hardest most frustrating things I've ever had to experience in my life. I can have really good days where I am on top of the world ans then by the next day I can be in tears not talking to anyone.

Here are some symptoms that I commonly(probably everyday) deal with:

• Disorganized behavior
• Impulsivity  
• Manic episode(s)
• Insomnia
• Anxiety/Depression
• Mood Swings
• Sadness
• Loss of interest or pleasure
• Irritability

The list can go on if we are being honest but these are some of the most common and the reason why my days can be and are sometimes so very hard.

Recently, I went through this awful manic episode. I spent money that I shouldn't, I cried over my ecx boyfriend for no reason, I obsessively binge watched the third season of 13 Reasons Why, and probably more i cant think of off the top of my head. I freaked out on a Saturday night because I was home alone watching Netflix while my roommates were at work, and while my other friends were busy. I also got way too easily irritated at customers in the last week when they just wanted their liquor/gas/food and want to go home. It wasn't fun.

It was exhausting and frustrating. One thing I noticed when I am manic is that it was exhausting to talk to people who I am close to and all I wanted to do was withdraw. I would open texts and Snapchats and want to reply but it was hard to reply. I wanted to make plans but dread when I had an event come up. I wanted to be with my friends but at the same time I wanted to be alone more than ever.

Some people think Mental Illness is the end of the world for them. I know for the longest time I thought that my bipolar diagnosis was the end of the world. I wondered if everyone would see me differently. As much as I worried about that, it was true. People DO see people with bipolar disorder in a very different light. It was very much negative but it can be positive.

I am a person outside of my mental illness and sometimes I wonder if I even fail to see that. I know even on my hardest days that my bipolar disorder isn't me entirely. It does control a huge chunk of my life. I also know with the right coping skills and tools that I am able to keep it in check. I know that I have a huge support system and that I am never alone. 

My bipolar disorder will never be the end of me. 

Here's To The Future

There's literally a little less than four months left in 2019.

I LOVE making reflective posts so here is basically one about what 2019 has taught me this year.

Falling in Love is OKAY:  For some reason when thinking about this year, I think about how I fell so hard so fast. I have SO many feelings about it but I know that it was okay and it was valid and it taught me so many more lessons that I thought I could imagine.

Never Give Up:  In the last eight months, I have hit my lowest I have in years. I cried more than I wanted. I did some stuff I wasn't proud of. For the longest time, I didn't know who I was and I didn't think I was going to make it. I didn't give up. I didn't give up cause even though I didn't think I was going to make it past it but something kept me going and I am so glad I did.

Be Bold: I recently told someone that I missed them but it wasn't worth it. I have recently learned to be bold about how I felt. I decided that I wasn't going to let anything hold me back from what I wanted and how I was going to get it. I am not sorry about it ether. I wasn't going to hold the truth back from anyone no matter what.

Be Honest: I could go about this one from many different ways. I was honest when I walked away from something that was destroying me in more ways than one. I am honest when I say it impacts every single relationship I have moving forward with my life. Honesty is the best policy. I was honest with someone about stuff that happened months ago and it was something that opened the door to such great communication and I am grateful. I am honest when I say it still hurts and that not a day goes by when I say that I so wish it turned out different but I am grateful for the memories.

Cry When Needed: I have cried a whole hell of a lot in the last eight months. I cried when I left back to Vermont in January. I cried when the guy I loved couldn't get his crap together. I cried when he lied to me. I've cried more times than I wanted too. One thing that I have learned in all my times of crying (ridiculous I know but bear with me) that I am ALWAYS okay right after and sometimes all you need is a good cry.

Trust Your Instincts: In being bold and honest, I never wanted to walk away, I woke up one morning with this gut feeling that I needed to for the sake of me and my mental health, I remember being sad all morning to my best friend, I remember telling him we needed to talk, and I remember walking away and it being the hardest thing I have ever done. If I didn't follow my gut feeling, I would not have learned how to be on my own and how to fall in love with myself all over again. I would not have laughed harder than I have in months. It was for the best for so many reasons. My gut instincts has strengthened my relationship with so many important people in my life and God. I am thankful.

2019 hasn't been easy in the slightest but I have never been so grateful for everything that has happened and the lessons I have learned.