My Bipolar Disorder

My name is Kyrsten and i suffer from Bipolar Disorder.

I wish that it was something easy to talk about. I wish it just meant that my moods just switch. In reality it is so much more than that.

Life with bipolar is weird and complicated. It is also one of the hardest most frustrating things I've ever had to experience in my life. I can have really good days where I am on top of the world ans then by the next day I can be in tears not talking to anyone.

Here are some symptoms that I commonly(probably everyday) deal with:

• Disorganized behavior
• Impulsivity  
• Manic episode(s)
• Insomnia
• Anxiety/Depression
• Mood Swings
• Sadness
• Loss of interest or pleasure
• Irritability

The list can go on if we are being honest but these are some of the most common and the reason why my days can be and are sometimes so very hard.

Recently, I went through this awful manic episode. I spent money that I shouldn't, I cried over my ecx boyfriend for no reason, I obsessively binge watched the third season of 13 Reasons Why, and probably more i cant think of off the top of my head. I freaked out on a Saturday night because I was home alone watching Netflix while my roommates were at work, and while my other friends were busy. I also got way too easily irritated at customers in the last week when they just wanted their liquor/gas/food and want to go home. It wasn't fun.

It was exhausting and frustrating. One thing I noticed when I am manic is that it was exhausting to talk to people who I am close to and all I wanted to do was withdraw. I would open texts and Snapchats and want to reply but it was hard to reply. I wanted to make plans but dread when I had an event come up. I wanted to be with my friends but at the same time I wanted to be alone more than ever.

Some people think Mental Illness is the end of the world for them. I know for the longest time I thought that my bipolar diagnosis was the end of the world. I wondered if everyone would see me differently. As much as I worried about that, it was true. People DO see people with bipolar disorder in a very different light. It was very much negative but it can be positive.

I am a person outside of my mental illness and sometimes I wonder if I even fail to see that. I know even on my hardest days that my bipolar disorder isn't me entirely. It does control a huge chunk of my life. I also know with the right coping skills and tools that I am able to keep it in check. I know that I have a huge support system and that I am never alone. 

My bipolar disorder will never be the end of me. 

Here's To The Future

There's literally a little less than four months left in 2019.

I LOVE making reflective posts so here is basically one about what 2019 has taught me this year.

Falling in Love is OKAY:  For some reason when thinking about this year, I think about how I fell so hard so fast. I have SO many feelings about it but I know that it was okay and it was valid and it taught me so many more lessons that I thought I could imagine.

Never Give Up:  In the last eight months, I have hit my lowest I have in years. I cried more than I wanted. I did some stuff I wasn't proud of. For the longest time, I didn't know who I was and I didn't think I was going to make it. I didn't give up. I didn't give up cause even though I didn't think I was going to make it past it but something kept me going and I am so glad I did.

Be Bold: I recently told someone that I missed them but it wasn't worth it. I have recently learned to be bold about how I felt. I decided that I wasn't going to let anything hold me back from what I wanted and how I was going to get it. I am not sorry about it ether. I wasn't going to hold the truth back from anyone no matter what.

Be Honest: I could go about this one from many different ways. I was honest when I walked away from something that was destroying me in more ways than one. I am honest when I say it impacts every single relationship I have moving forward with my life. Honesty is the best policy. I was honest with someone about stuff that happened months ago and it was something that opened the door to such great communication and I am grateful. I am honest when I say it still hurts and that not a day goes by when I say that I so wish it turned out different but I am grateful for the memories.

Cry When Needed: I have cried a whole hell of a lot in the last eight months. I cried when I left back to Vermont in January. I cried when the guy I loved couldn't get his crap together. I cried when he lied to me. I've cried more times than I wanted too. One thing that I have learned in all my times of crying (ridiculous I know but bear with me) that I am ALWAYS okay right after and sometimes all you need is a good cry.

Trust Your Instincts: In being bold and honest, I never wanted to walk away, I woke up one morning with this gut feeling that I needed to for the sake of me and my mental health, I remember being sad all morning to my best friend, I remember telling him we needed to talk, and I remember walking away and it being the hardest thing I have ever done. If I didn't follow my gut feeling, I would not have learned how to be on my own and how to fall in love with myself all over again. I would not have laughed harder than I have in months. It was for the best for so many reasons. My gut instincts has strengthened my relationship with so many important people in my life and God. I am thankful.

2019 hasn't been easy in the slightest but I have never been so grateful for everything that has happened and the lessons I have learned.

The Story Never Ends

First of all, it has been a hot minute since I have made a blog post. I also feel like this one has been coming for a long time so bear with me.

I have spent the last two months falling in love with myself and life all over again. I went hiking for the first time in years, I put God in the front part of my life, I changed my schedule at work then got a new job(spoiler alert). For the first time in forever I put myself first and did things on my terms and not on anyone elses.

I cried. My gosh, I honestly didn't think I would ever stop crying. One of the things that I did that was important is that I stopped waiting. I didn't need the closure anymore. I stopped wondering why it happened. I stopped feelings like I needed to know. I pulled myself out of the depression that was killing me. All of my friends im sure were annoyed of the constant wondering but also super concerned of just how sad I was.

When hiking, my friend brought me to this wonderful waterfall. I remembering being 19 again and falling in love and living my best life. As complicated as being 19 was, I remember living my best life then. Ever since that day, I have been dedicated to living my best life. I promised myself and others that I would never feel that sad again.

I am not 100%. I still struggle. I am human right? I still miss that person, that period of time so deeply.

I was ranting to a dear friend who actually inspired this blog post, and she told me that it was normal to be sad over it. It is okay to miss the person and the time period because of the connection. For me that spoke so deeply and it hit so close to home. I have so many people in my life who told me that I need to just move on. I had so many people who just told me to forget all about it because it was bad.

Well it wasn't ALL bad. It was being treated bad at the end. There was good parts and I will treasure the good parts. It was laughing till late hours and sharing stories till we couldn't. Sharing favorite songs because sometimes you bond over music. Memories I miss with all of my heart BUT life moves on.

My story isn't over. This is another chapter that is bittersweet to close but I can't dwell on it forever.

I am at a point of my life where I am supposed to be living my best life. I will be damned if I don't. I refuse to hold anything back. I refuse to let anything get in my way.

I am going to live my best life and be happy again.

Always Home

Ohio will forever be near and dear to my heart. No matter what Ohio teaches me something that I am sure that I needed but at the time was too stubborn to realize. Here are somethings that being home has taught me.

• Home is Always Home:  I didn't realize how much I needed to be home until I was home. I didn't realize how much I needed to be around my family laughing about some joke or being roasted about something I did when I was younger until it happened.

• Life Moves On: For a girl who has been struggling with this over the last month this took until about a day before this was written to realize. No this isn't another rant about some dumb guy who broke my heart but yes that ties into that a little bit. My hometown town has barley changed since the last time I was really home. I drove around my high school and it had felt like an eternity since I was in school. I remembered the football field where I spent Friday nights during football season. I remembered running up a staircase before choir concerts. The thing that hit me the most is that my life has drastically changed. I wasn't the same girl in high school or even a year after high school. 

• People Change: The last time I was home, I wanted nothing more than to hang out with the same people that I hung out with before I moved to Vermont. Well, I learned REAL fast that people change and again their lives still continues. I got the chance to hang out with some people who I haven't seen in YEARS and when I mean years, I mean literally 2014 and 2016. Ow. My bad. Everyone goes through changes and deals with their own stuff. Sometimes for the good and sometimes for the bad.

• ALWAYS SPEND TIME WITH YOUR SIBLINGS: This is in all caps because I'm going to admit something. I spent Christmas time more focused "attempting" to catch up with old friends and getting upset when they couldn't then realizing that my best friends and the people who are always there were right in front of me. This trip, I spent a couple of hours individually with each of my siblings. Honestly? It has been a blast. I have loved spending that one on one time with them and just talking about whatever they wanted to and just focusing on them. I made memories with all of them that I hope we won't forget. 

• Nothing Goes According To Plan: I included this because again its what hits you hard the most. Sometimes, I think God laughs at me when I try to have a plan. This vacation, I planned ALOT of things. I planned a new tattoo. I planned on getting a laptop. I planned on avoiding my mother. I planned on being totally over the boy who broke my heart. You wanna know how much that happened?  None of it. I've learned from all of it. I spent some time with my mother and learned it's really better to keep her at a distance and move on. Continuing to be mad isn't going to get me far in life. Plans do fall through. And that boy? I don't think anyone truly realizes my feelings. Maybe people never will including him. It didn't work out and I am slowly(very slowly) trying to move on with the rest of my life.

• Never Forget Who You Are: I think before I came home, I was lost and stuck. Actually im sure I have written a blog post in the last month about it. Coming home has made me realize that yes I wear my heart on my sleeve but it also made me realize that I am almost the same girl who left almost two years ago to start over. Almost being that I am so much stronger. It took every experience I had here to make something better. I needed to come home and be grounded to know that I won't be stuck forever. I can be happy.

Being home has been an adventure. I am grateful. I am thankful for the weird gut feeling I had three months ago to push my vacation up a month. Sometimes all you need is to come home remember your roots and get a nice little reality check.

Life Moves On

The sentence that describes the last month or two of my life is, "Life moves on"

Actually, it describes the last six months of my life but that is beside the point. It's just hit me harder the month or two.

For the longest time, I stayed stuck. I stayed stuck in relationships that ended. I stayed stuck in experiences that I had good/bad just to find another reason to stay stuck. This time i refused to stay stuck.

When my last relationship ended, I was destroyed mentally/emotionally for awhile. Some days it is harder than others. It wasn't until I was basically forced to move on that I adapted to that saying life moves on. My life returned back to normal the way it was before I started seeing him, I just had all these memories I had to try to get over.

And it hurt. And some days it still hurts but making sure my life continues on after the pain and sadness I've gotten closer with my roommate who is now one of my best friends. She knows all about all my problems and we tell each other basically everything. I've gotten closer to people at church and being more active and building my relationship with God and knowing that everything happens for a reason.

What has really helped me is that a couple of weeks after I ended things, I ended up going home to Ohio for vacation. The funny thing is that I planned my vacation while seeing him. I knew I was going home no matter what. But the real good thing is that being home so far I have found everything I have needed.

I didn't realize how much I needed Ohio until I landed in Ohio.

I've had my ranting sessions to my dad, I have had lots of baby cuddles. I have caught up with old friends. It has been great. I have laughed and smiled more like myself then when everything was going on the last couple of months. I am not saying the last couple of months were bad, of course they weren't. I loved most of the last couple of months, but I am learning how to be myself again and that is beautiful.

I told myself that me coming home was going to be me learning how to fall in love with life and myself again. I was going to learn that I can be myself without someone else. I lost myself while falling for someone else. It was beautiful and magical it was also complicated and exhausting.

My life the last five days has been full of adventure laughing with my siblings, sharing stories upon stories with my step mom and learning you may move 600 miles away from home but sometimes all you need is a trip home for everything to make sense again.

I am thankful.

Life is constantly one thing after another. For me, it took a major heartbreak from someone who I would've given the world and beyond to realize that even when it ends the world doesn't. I still have so much to learn at 22 and I am beyond excited for it. I am beyond excited to see what God throws at me next.

I am in a weird place right now. I am in between fighting for what I want and what I need. I know that no matter what happens that I will come out on the other side and that life moves on and so will I even if it takes awhile.

Consquences

Today I choose to not be quiet anymore.

The last two months have been the hardest two months of my life. I have probably sat in my bed debated more stuff that is going on. I questioned myself and everything around me and for awhile I felt like I was drowning. I went to work, went to church, and got sucked in this cycle that I didn't know how to get out of until recently.

Two months ago, I started talking to and seeing someone. It turned very dysfunctional real fast. He was sweet and caring behind closed doors, we danced in his kitchen, stayed up till five am laughing and singing, he slowly became everything I wanted. But when it came to not being behind closed doors I only existed when he wanted me to exist. I prayed all the time for a miracle.

I became very angry and very sad. I ranted to friends and coworkers without saying a name about the guy I liked who was stressing me out. I found myself glued to my phone waiting. Waiting on a message, hanging on to every word, hoping that maybe he'd want to hang out with me. I remember caring about work enough to get back because I was stressed.

It became very unhealthy just keeping this secret.. He lived his life and I was basically sworn to secrecy. I coped in the worst ways. I spent Friday nights partying then Saturdays kinda stumbling into work laughing about what stupid thing I did the night before. I would stay up till 4-5 am when I was with him just so I could spend sometime with him. Then I would go work my eight hour shift after getting up at 9-10.

Nothing in that situation with this guy I was in made sense or was even good. It took me honestly so long to see how dysfunctional about it. No matter how many times I tried to tell him that I wasn't someone he could just keep a secret, it seemed like things would never change. I also never really knew how he felt. I opened up and tried so hard to communicate and I got the same thing over and over again.

At one point during a monthly meeting with my local church leader, I ended up almost breaking down. I told him how I was sad and stressed and I just was struggling to cope. He suggested that I start using church services to get into therapy to maybe start feeling better.


I tried to tell myself that he was going to change. Someday he was going to wake up and realize that I was not keeping a secret. It wasn't until very early Saturday morning that I ended up walking away. I kept telling him that I deserved better and that no one needs to be kept some dirty little secret. I couldn't stand seeing him at this place and work and him acting like I barley existed. He shut me out completely and I was over it. I was over feeling like complete crap. I knew I had to let go even though walking away was the hardest thing I have ever done.

Coming to the realization that I deserve better and that I need to focus on myself and my mental health has been challenging but so rewarding in itself.

I have learned in the last couple of days that silence and distance is sometimes the best medicine. I have learned that I need to put myself first and not lose myself in some guy. I refuse to compromise my recovery and my happiness.

It is going to take a heck of a long time. I don't know how exactly how I am going to come back from this but I promise I will come back and rise again.

Hard Times

When I was 18 graduating high school, I had a plan.

I had this plan that I would go out to college in Idaho for all four years and become a journalist. Then my life changed.

I didn't have enough money to pay for my second semester and I ended up dropping out and coming home. Upon coming home, I had this impression to serve a church service for The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. After starting that process, I ended up getting diagnosed with depression and anxiety and spent the next year and a half getting healthy.

I told myself after getting healthy I was going to go back to school. I was very adamant on ether going back to Idaho or when Idaho wasn't an option I decided to stay local. Well again, life happened and then my dad and I moved to Vermont.

I have figured out that basically every time I try to figure out a specific plan for anything from life choices and dating to church and everything else in between something happens. It is something that has recently come to my attention that I need to take for face value.

I had a plan for two major important conversations that I needed to happen with someone. I went in semi prepared. I was sadly rehearsed just in case and as the story goes nothing happened the way I wanted it to happen. Especially with the second conversation, I was left very frustrated and felt like I needed to say much much more. But maybe I did say everything that was needed to be sad.

I believe in fate. I believe that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes you meet someone and they turn your world upside down. They make you feel things that you never thought in a million years you would. Sometimes you make a plan to visit home and then feel the need to push it a month sooner. Sometimes you find a way to get the mental help you need.

I have learned that things work out they way they need too not how I want them to go all of the time. Maybe it is not the timing or the way I needed it to but it is the way that the universe and God needs them to be. I am starting to be okay with that. I have slowly but surely realized that sometimes things in my life and I need to trust that they will work out.

No matter what happens in my life especially in the hardest of times, I know there is a plan for me. I know that everything happens for a reason and that I am slowly learning that everything is going to work out the way that they need to.

I am confident and scared but I mean what is life without a little adventure?