Almost two years ago, I lost someone who if I had one more chance I feel like I could've made a difference.
I was in her position for years on end and it wasn't until last year that I got help. In 11 days, it will have been one year since I was admitted to the hospital for my last inpatient treatment. In those 5-6 days that I was there I learned more about myself and about coping mechanisms and other things that I needed to survive.
It hasn't been easy. I have taken off work and have had days where I laid in bed ignoring everything and everyone because I was that depressed. I remember fighting with my dad leading up to my last stint in treatment saying how I just wanted to die. I remember my sisters crying about how they didn't want to see that for me.
So again, I went to treatment. I guess this is turning into an emotional post about my last stint in treatment but honestly I wouldn't be alive writing this. I was at the point where I just wanted to end it all.
I am so thankful to be alive a little under a year later.
I have found so many reasons to live. Four months ago, my step mom gave birth to the cutest baby brother ever. I haven't met Anderson yet but I want my baby brother to know his older sister. I want him to know that I will always be around through everyone he goes through. I realize that my family still needs me and what not. I used to think that God gave up on me and maybe that is the reason why I am so depressed all the time. God never gave up on me. I know God puts me through the things that He knows that I can handle.
Mental Illness is no joke. I still struggle to talk about it sometimes. It is something though really needs to be talked about more. I know that I have found so so much comfort in my mental illness when people open up about theirs. It takes one story one person to be brave for someone else to realize that they are not alone.
The last two years have been the hardest but for the first time in a long time I have so much to live for and I am so thankful to be alive.
-Kyrsten
Monday, September 10, 2018
Monday, September 3, 2018
Blessings and Sprained Ankles
So I am not the most positive person in the world.
Everyone knows it and yeah that's life.
Lately, I have realized that me dwellng on every single little negative thing. Well most of them, as that has been my mind set for the longest time. I honestly believe that it is the reason why I have sunk so badly in my depression.
Anyways, I got sick and tired of being exhausted all the time so I thought I would change my attitude first and really go from there.
It has been a game changer. I have started just finding the little blessings of each and everyday and thinking about that instead of thinking of about the bad things during the day. I normally tweet about my blessings because actually writing them out aka making them public makes me feel like they matter and it actually happened. I am not that weird I promise.
Thinking about today it was honestly crazy due to a coworker showing up two hours late and throwing everything off schedule. Butttt theres always little blessings. I got a good amount of tips. The coworker who I thought I was struggling to get along with(I swore up and down she didn't like me) and I got along really well and we worked together well. We arent the best of friends but I don't think we hate each other.(I think that is one of the biggest blessings of the day honestly haha) I also didn't wake up right before work so I had time to eat and watch a little bit of my favorite show which is so much better than being rushed about everything.
Thinking mostly about the good things has gone so good. I honestly feel like I have a little bit more energy throughout the day. I feel like I laugh and smile a little bit more. My depression and anxiety don't seem to be in a corner laughing about how they can make my life a miserable mess. Yeah stupid things happened today, like again it was super hot today and my feet hurt after work and so.much.ice.cream but it happened. It is another day in my life and honestly it won't matter tomorrow. I look foward to the next day and what it brings.
Something that has been a blessing in disquise is having a sprained ankle since Saturday. You are probably honestly wondering why that may honestly be but just listen. It is a fun story. I wore a new pair of shoes late last week and I got a nasty blister and it was huge on my heel so me being a natrual toe walker(thanks Cerbreal Palsy) I walked on my toes and I somehow tisted my ankle. It felt funny Friday but I went on my day and then Saturday my ankle swelled up to the size of a golf ball and man that wasn't fun. Also funny thing, I also broke out in a rash thanks to the band-aid and the neosporin i put on my blister but hey life is funny right?
Here's where the blessings come in. I called my nurse of a dad limping home and I talked to him and he said get home ice and elavate the usual. So I did that and I prayed and prayed that the swelling would go down at least a little so I could attend church the next day and so I could buy a wrap for it. I took some bendaryl and some motrin(life savers I promise) and the next morning the sweling was down enough that I could attend church and decently walk to get the wrap.
Now the swelling has gone down and now it is just bruised a lot which honestly I am so thankful for. It could've been so much worse but if it wasn't for modern medicine and my dad I probably would've had to miss work and stayed in bed crying in pain. I am thankful for this lesson of wearing socks with new Sperry's that I always seem to forget.
My life never seems to be boring that is a fact but I am trying to live the best of it.
-Kyrsten
Everyone knows it and yeah that's life.
Lately, I have realized that me dwellng on every single little negative thing. Well most of them, as that has been my mind set for the longest time. I honestly believe that it is the reason why I have sunk so badly in my depression.
Anyways, I got sick and tired of being exhausted all the time so I thought I would change my attitude first and really go from there.
It has been a game changer. I have started just finding the little blessings of each and everyday and thinking about that instead of thinking of about the bad things during the day. I normally tweet about my blessings because actually writing them out aka making them public makes me feel like they matter and it actually happened. I am not that weird I promise.
Thinking about today it was honestly crazy due to a coworker showing up two hours late and throwing everything off schedule. Butttt theres always little blessings. I got a good amount of tips. The coworker who I thought I was struggling to get along with(I swore up and down she didn't like me) and I got along really well and we worked together well. We arent the best of friends but I don't think we hate each other.(I think that is one of the biggest blessings of the day honestly haha) I also didn't wake up right before work so I had time to eat and watch a little bit of my favorite show which is so much better than being rushed about everything.
Thinking mostly about the good things has gone so good. I honestly feel like I have a little bit more energy throughout the day. I feel like I laugh and smile a little bit more. My depression and anxiety don't seem to be in a corner laughing about how they can make my life a miserable mess. Yeah stupid things happened today, like again it was super hot today and my feet hurt after work and so.much.ice.cream but it happened. It is another day in my life and honestly it won't matter tomorrow. I look foward to the next day and what it brings.
Something that has been a blessing in disquise is having a sprained ankle since Saturday. You are probably honestly wondering why that may honestly be but just listen. It is a fun story. I wore a new pair of shoes late last week and I got a nasty blister and it was huge on my heel so me being a natrual toe walker(thanks Cerbreal Palsy) I walked on my toes and I somehow tisted my ankle. It felt funny Friday but I went on my day and then Saturday my ankle swelled up to the size of a golf ball and man that wasn't fun. Also funny thing, I also broke out in a rash thanks to the band-aid and the neosporin i put on my blister but hey life is funny right?
Here's where the blessings come in. I called my nurse of a dad limping home and I talked to him and he said get home ice and elavate the usual. So I did that and I prayed and prayed that the swelling would go down at least a little so I could attend church the next day and so I could buy a wrap for it. I took some bendaryl and some motrin(life savers I promise) and the next morning the sweling was down enough that I could attend church and decently walk to get the wrap.
Now the swelling has gone down and now it is just bruised a lot which honestly I am so thankful for. It could've been so much worse but if it wasn't for modern medicine and my dad I probably would've had to miss work and stayed in bed crying in pain. I am thankful for this lesson of wearing socks with new Sperry's that I always seem to forget.
My life never seems to be boring that is a fact but I am trying to live the best of it.
-Kyrsten
Wednesday, August 15, 2018
Anxiety At It's Finest
I should be sleeping but ya know the drill.
I went off my medications about a month and a half ago due to insurance reasons and it has been the toughest battle. I want to talk about because I feel like so many people need insight on how to handle people better who have mental illnesses and so forth.
Lately, my anxiety has been through the roof. I started a new job, moved into a new apartment, basically started over. I have never been so awkward in my life. I get so anxious when meeting new people. I get anxious about things that are not in my control(thanks ocd youd the real friend).
It has been hard to say the least.
It has been a lot on my mind a lot because I recently moved into a new apartment and I just am so anti social it kinda hurts. I feel so bad because honestly I don't have bad roommates, I mean we are a week in things might change. I am so kidding honestly but real talk. They seem great people and I know I am not gonna get screwed over couple months down the road like I did last time. My anxiety is so bad that today I got excited for saying hi and what not. I may have not made eye contact cause I was heading straight for my room but hey little victories?
I also feel like my anxiety attacks me a lot at work and I feel like that shows. For those who don't know well sorry actually most of you don't because I finally can blog when I want. Anyways, I got a job at a little convenience store in town and it has a deli that I am working in. It is crazy because I never saw myself working in a deli. Never saw myself cutting meat or doing anything like that. I love doing customer service and I always veered towards that.
At work, I will think I got something down and I get confident and ether someone will look at me the wrong way or someone does it maybe in a better/faster way and bam there goes my confidence and I will dwell like no tomorrow on it. It sucks but it is life.
Not having meds has really made me think and dwell on my mental illness alot. It makes me realize I took healthcare for advantage and how sometimes I really need to get my life together and sometimes I need help. I hate asking for help.
Saying that though, I have the best people in my life. I have people who for the most part understand mental illness. And honestly when I say most part I feel like no one truly understands mental illness because everyone is so different. Everyone reacts different and has different levels of how things truly make them feel. When the people in my life don't understand, I surely help them to make sure that they do and it helps the both of them out.
This isn't a post in the slightest of pitty and just saying "Oh i have anxiety" It is a struggle and it is an experience. It used to be something that my early teen self would sit in the basement and cry because I swore up and down no one understood me. I don't want anyone feeling that way so I branch out when I can and share my story through my blog because that is the easiest for me.
I went off my medications about a month and a half ago due to insurance reasons and it has been the toughest battle. I want to talk about because I feel like so many people need insight on how to handle people better who have mental illnesses and so forth.
Lately, my anxiety has been through the roof. I started a new job, moved into a new apartment, basically started over. I have never been so awkward in my life. I get so anxious when meeting new people. I get anxious about things that are not in my control(thanks ocd youd the real friend).
It has been hard to say the least.
It has been a lot on my mind a lot because I recently moved into a new apartment and I just am so anti social it kinda hurts. I feel so bad because honestly I don't have bad roommates, I mean we are a week in things might change. I am so kidding honestly but real talk. They seem great people and I know I am not gonna get screwed over couple months down the road like I did last time. My anxiety is so bad that today I got excited for saying hi and what not. I may have not made eye contact cause I was heading straight for my room but hey little victories?
I also feel like my anxiety attacks me a lot at work and I feel like that shows. For those who don't know well sorry actually most of you don't because I finally can blog when I want. Anyways, I got a job at a little convenience store in town and it has a deli that I am working in. It is crazy because I never saw myself working in a deli. Never saw myself cutting meat or doing anything like that. I love doing customer service and I always veered towards that.
At work, I will think I got something down and I get confident and ether someone will look at me the wrong way or someone does it maybe in a better/faster way and bam there goes my confidence and I will dwell like no tomorrow on it. It sucks but it is life.
Not having meds has really made me think and dwell on my mental illness alot. It makes me realize I took healthcare for advantage and how sometimes I really need to get my life together and sometimes I need help. I hate asking for help.
Saying that though, I have the best people in my life. I have people who for the most part understand mental illness. And honestly when I say most part I feel like no one truly understands mental illness because everyone is so different. Everyone reacts different and has different levels of how things truly make them feel. When the people in my life don't understand, I surely help them to make sure that they do and it helps the both of them out.
This isn't a post in the slightest of pitty and just saying "Oh i have anxiety" It is a struggle and it is an experience. It used to be something that my early teen self would sit in the basement and cry because I swore up and down no one understood me. I don't want anyone feeling that way so I branch out when I can and share my story through my blog because that is the easiest for me.
Two Years: Revisted
I have attempted to write a blog post like this but it has actually just come to this conclusion so here goes. And before people accuse me of whatever, just read the rest!
2 years ago I fell harder than ever. Over the last two years, I watched this guy change into someone I completely loved and looked up to. No matter what I was doing with my life, who was in it, he was in the back of my mind. Writing this is actually one of the hardest things I have had to do other than sending him off on his mission. I actually never thought I would have to write this but life has taken so many different directions.
I have struggled with everything under the sun in the last two years. Relationships(friends, family, dating), mental health, living situations, people you name it basically but he stayed. Every week minus 8 ish was something whether it was an email saying "Keep going" or a message saying "Hi" it happened. I was grateful. Though the tears, small victories, the large victories, and the trials he was there.
I watched my 19 year old best friend serve Mexico with all of his heart and fall in love serving the Lord as I fell with him. He knew how I felt and that's what I used to keep going. I told myself I'd get that chance. I mean he HAD to give the girl who wrote him for two years. Who knew.
He didn't and he doesn't. That honestly was a hard pill to swallow. A new scripture from the Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 2:27 talks about agency and the willing to make choices. He has the choice whether or not to talk to me and do whatever he wants. I can't wait around for that choice.
In the last 2 years I have struggled with religion. I basically became a model for Anti-Mormons. I drank, I got tattoos, I stopped going to church and basically laughed at religion. He knew this and regardless he sent me scriptures and talks by leaders. Today, I find myself as what I call a progressing inactive. I am learning again about my faith and sometimes struggling but believing in God and His power. I meet with the local missionaries, pray when I remember and read my scriptures. I always thought he would be the one beside me but it is what it is. As I go back to church, I realize I am doing this for myself not for him. I wouldn't be able to do it without so many great people in my life.
The future is unknown. I sent off a boy who returned with honor and what happened happened. I am struggling to find the words to say but loving that boy for the last two years has been beyond crazy and self discovering. I'm thankful and sad but at the end of the day I am so glad I loved someone like him.
At the end of the day, maybe God put him in my life just for him to help through the bad so I could get through it. Who knows. I will forever thank God for giving me someone like him to love.
2 years ago I fell harder than ever. Over the last two years, I watched this guy change into someone I completely loved and looked up to. No matter what I was doing with my life, who was in it, he was in the back of my mind. Writing this is actually one of the hardest things I have had to do other than sending him off on his mission. I actually never thought I would have to write this but life has taken so many different directions.
I have struggled with everything under the sun in the last two years. Relationships(friends, family, dating), mental health, living situations, people you name it basically but he stayed. Every week minus 8 ish was something whether it was an email saying "Keep going" or a message saying "Hi" it happened. I was grateful. Though the tears, small victories, the large victories, and the trials he was there.
I watched my 19 year old best friend serve Mexico with all of his heart and fall in love serving the Lord as I fell with him. He knew how I felt and that's what I used to keep going. I told myself I'd get that chance. I mean he HAD to give the girl who wrote him for two years. Who knew.
He didn't and he doesn't. That honestly was a hard pill to swallow. A new scripture from the Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 2:27 talks about agency and the willing to make choices. He has the choice whether or not to talk to me and do whatever he wants. I can't wait around for that choice.
In the last 2 years I have struggled with religion. I basically became a model for Anti-Mormons. I drank, I got tattoos, I stopped going to church and basically laughed at religion. He knew this and regardless he sent me scriptures and talks by leaders. Today, I find myself as what I call a progressing inactive. I am learning again about my faith and sometimes struggling but believing in God and His power. I meet with the local missionaries, pray when I remember and read my scriptures. I always thought he would be the one beside me but it is what it is. As I go back to church, I realize I am doing this for myself not for him. I wouldn't be able to do it without so many great people in my life.
The future is unknown. I sent off a boy who returned with honor and what happened happened. I am struggling to find the words to say but loving that boy for the last two years has been beyond crazy and self discovering. I'm thankful and sad but at the end of the day I am so glad I loved someone like him.
At the end of the day, maybe God put him in my life just for him to help through the bad so I could get through it. Who knows. I will forever thank God for giving me someone like him to love.
Thursday, August 2, 2018
To The Boy I’m Letting Go.
I should’ve written this months ago. I should’ve realized months ago that nothing was gonna work out. Yet I still had hope that it was gonna work out. I still prayed every single day that at the end of the day you would choose me.
Now I realize that maybe I dreamt of this reality of you and me. That was my mistake. I had so many dreams about you and me, I thought that maybe it would work. Maybe at the end of this you would tell me that you’ve been feeling the same way the entire time.
I’ve waited and waited and I can’t do it anymore. It’s taken all of me to write this. It’s taken all of me to take off my necklace and push it to the side. I want to sell it but I’m scared and I don’t want to let go. Part of me thinks that maybe if I get rid of it then something will happen.
People tell me to give it time and that I should be hopeful. I’ve given it most of the time that I’ve had and it’s gotten me no where. I can’t wait around any longer. I loved you when I didn’t love myself. I keep trying to think of reasons why this didn’t work and I have a list but at the end of the day I’m still defending you when I shouldn’t.
Read this or not I don’t care. I am doing this for myself. I’m doing this so I can stop spending nights thinking about what if. I’m doing this to finally stop being sad about what is never gonna happen.
Maybe someday I’ll find someone like you and they won’t hurt me the way you did. Maybe I will not be haunted by the ghost of you. Maybe I can finally delete all the photos. I pray you find some happiness and peace in your life. I kinda hope one day you’ll realize what you did. I don’t expect an apology.
One day I’ll be fine. Until then, goodbye.
-Kyrsten
Friday, July 27, 2018
Two Years
Here I am with another blog post!
This time on an actual computer but im not used to the keyboard so be prepared for typos.
Most of my friends left on missions roughly two years ago. Literally within weeks of each other.
Now again within weeks they are ether home or coming home which is crazy. I love them to death but it has made me do a lot of reflecting from the last two years.
In the last two years, I have been through hell and back. I went from just assuming I had a mental illness to being diagnosed with roughly five of them in the process. It was a crazy change. I went from never going to the doctor to constantly going to the doctor for med checks and making sure that I haven't jumped off the nearest bridge. I also was the skinniest I had been in forever. I think I was so skinny that if I didnt gain weight I was going to be hospitalized.
I was in two serious relationships in the last two years and honestly those really changed my perception on a lot of things. It honestly made me realized what I wanted. It was something that really made me and broke me all at the same time. I fell in love and in the end it didn't work out. I told myself I was be married by the time my friends got back. No literally. I remember walking to my friends apartment with my best friend and we made a bet for when he came home from his mission and i remember in the back of my head I was like well if im not married by then. Hahaha funny stuff.
After the relationships or some time in between, I was figuring out who I was and how to control myself. I ended up spending a lot of time out of control more than in it. I remember crying a lot and wanting my friends home from their missions right then and now. By the time my first major incident happened, I had three friends on a mission. I spent roughly five days in a mental health facility. All so I could get my mental health in check. That was roughly eight months or so after my first diagnosis.
I tried serving a mission and then being the girl who got married and I couldn't do it. I just wasn't able to do it. I look back and man I thought I could never get through it.
But I did.
I look at the situation where my life has been a joke basically for the last two months or so. It sucks like almost everyday but everything happens for a reason. As much as I hate the current situation I am in and wish it was over I do realize that I am so much stronger than I let on. I think about how my now two best friends are home(basically) from their missions and how I am so thankful to have people like them in my life. They have let me rant and rave to them about the crap going on in my life and also still teaching the wonderful people of Mexico and Colorado. Thank you for giving them back by the way lol. They have grown so much in the gospel and I seriously look up to them so much.
I know I am not the same person from two years ago. Hell, I am not the same person from six months ago. I think the difference this time is that I know that I can get through it even though somedays all I want to do is hide under the covers. Everyday is a new learning experience and I am beyond ready for it. As much as I don't want certain things to happen I have to deal with it. Another difference I notice is that this time I know what I want and I am not afraid of getting it. I also don't really have a filter and basically say whatever I want so. I don't let things really get in my way.
I didn't except this blog post to be as a long as it is so sorry for that honestlyyyy so
Enjoy this blog and i am pretty sure I am going to be blogging a lot more at least for the next week because I finally have a computer in my face and I have a lot of post ideas that need to be let out lol
Thanks for dealing with meeee
-Kyrsten
This time on an actual computer but im not used to the keyboard so be prepared for typos.
Most of my friends left on missions roughly two years ago. Literally within weeks of each other.
Now again within weeks they are ether home or coming home which is crazy. I love them to death but it has made me do a lot of reflecting from the last two years.
In the last two years, I have been through hell and back. I went from just assuming I had a mental illness to being diagnosed with roughly five of them in the process. It was a crazy change. I went from never going to the doctor to constantly going to the doctor for med checks and making sure that I haven't jumped off the nearest bridge. I also was the skinniest I had been in forever. I think I was so skinny that if I didnt gain weight I was going to be hospitalized.
I was in two serious relationships in the last two years and honestly those really changed my perception on a lot of things. It honestly made me realized what I wanted. It was something that really made me and broke me all at the same time. I fell in love and in the end it didn't work out. I told myself I was be married by the time my friends got back. No literally. I remember walking to my friends apartment with my best friend and we made a bet for when he came home from his mission and i remember in the back of my head I was like well if im not married by then. Hahaha funny stuff.
After the relationships or some time in between, I was figuring out who I was and how to control myself. I ended up spending a lot of time out of control more than in it. I remember crying a lot and wanting my friends home from their missions right then and now. By the time my first major incident happened, I had three friends on a mission. I spent roughly five days in a mental health facility. All so I could get my mental health in check. That was roughly eight months or so after my first diagnosis.
I tried serving a mission and then being the girl who got married and I couldn't do it. I just wasn't able to do it. I look back and man I thought I could never get through it.
But I did.
I look at the situation where my life has been a joke basically for the last two months or so. It sucks like almost everyday but everything happens for a reason. As much as I hate the current situation I am in and wish it was over I do realize that I am so much stronger than I let on. I think about how my now two best friends are home(basically) from their missions and how I am so thankful to have people like them in my life. They have let me rant and rave to them about the crap going on in my life and also still teaching the wonderful people of Mexico and Colorado. Thank you for giving them back by the way lol. They have grown so much in the gospel and I seriously look up to them so much.
I know I am not the same person from two years ago. Hell, I am not the same person from six months ago. I think the difference this time is that I know that I can get through it even though somedays all I want to do is hide under the covers. Everyday is a new learning experience and I am beyond ready for it. As much as I don't want certain things to happen I have to deal with it. Another difference I notice is that this time I know what I want and I am not afraid of getting it. I also don't really have a filter and basically say whatever I want so. I don't let things really get in my way.
I didn't except this blog post to be as a long as it is so sorry for that honestlyyyy so
Enjoy this blog and i am pretty sure I am going to be blogging a lot more at least for the next week because I finally have a computer in my face and I have a lot of post ideas that need to be let out lol
Thanks for dealing with meeee
-Kyrsten
Saturday, July 21, 2018
Blogging iPhone style
WHAT IS UP
it has been almost a month since my last blog post and I’ve been dying literally dying(just kidsing) to blog for y’all. So here I am blogging.
You guys are probably confused on why my blog title is the way it is i an blogging from my iPhone due to the fact that I’ve been dying to blog forever but hey STORY TIME.
So remember my really crappy roommate? So I moved out from that place and I was supposed(key word) move into another place like ether the week after or later on in the week. I don’t remember bear with me. Anyways I sent the landlord the deposit and I was supposed to get the keys move in and bam give her the rent the following week when I got paid from both jobs. Well the landlord then magically decided they(this gets better) needed it NOW so I cried and scrambled to get the money and I sent it to them only to never hear from the couple again. I called and cried and texted and cried and cried some more and nothing. So there’s the shorten version of how I got scammed out of $1000.
So I stayed with two friends. I spent one night with one friend and the other night with the other and so on. I became super depressed and suicidal because I just wanted my own place. I am so thankful for my friends but there’s only so much you can handle by living out of two bags while your stuff is stored with one friend and you get anxious about where you are sleeping that night.
So I tried to find a place to live and it sucked between one of my jobs became highly toxic at the same time as me not having a place to live. No matter what I didn’t do anything right for my manager
She gave me dirty looks all the time and made me so anxious that I went to friends houses and cried. It also got so bad that I started having nightmares about work. My panic attacks also made a comeback. You see I would open all the time and I would be hella anxious on who would open with me. I almost cried of pure joy when it wasn’t my manager and when it was I could feel the panic in my body and all that went through my head was that I wasn’t good enough and I couldn’t do anything right. I remember clear as day I was working with people I liked and my anxiety was low and then my manager came in for a bit and I had a huge panic attack. I could feel the blush creeping on my face and I couldn’t breath and I almost threw up. It was a nightmare. I put in my two weeks as soon as I could because I was miserable. Between everything going on with my personal life and then the emotional drama I dealt with work I finally just quit. People who know me know I only quit one other job so this was rare but sometimes you just gotta put your mental health first.
Anyways after that drama, I had someone recommended I move up north so I expanded my search and prayed. I finally got the answer that I needed out of Montpelier as soon as possible as it become toxic full of lies and negativity and ex boyfriends who I saw all the time. I found a place twenty minutes north in a cute little town called Waterbury. This time the landlord was patient and we talked about me moving in two weeks after we talked and I’d have the money and he’d mail the keys and boom set. He sent me emails of the place and I checked it out and this time it seemed legit. So I transferred my one job to another store and was dead set on moving to Waterbury. Well when this week started I texted him and was like hey is this still a go blah blah blah. Usually he replies in a timely manner so I don’t need to worry. HAHAHA. Well he never replied
Literally.
Six texts one email and a very upset Kyrsten I was back at square one.
So every website I could try I signed up put an ad whatever. I was so desperate that I put an ad on Craigslist twice. I waited and prayed and cried a little till I got a text from someone about a room in an apartment for just my price range I could move in when I needed too and the other people that weren’t gonna be livIng there weren’t coming back till the end of September so BAM. I was/am trilled. I’ve kept quiet about my soon to be place because I swear if I would talk about it something would happen. So I told my close friends about the possibility kept in contact with the landlord and here we are two days away from moving day. Well one by the time you all read this.
Oh one more thing that has happened so. I went to pick up my meds from the store I was so ready for them cause they are normally are refilled within like a week or two minus one of them but I was running out of meds and anti depressants are the reason why I’m alive basically. Well here’s the kicker. I applied or started to apply for Vermont health insurance since I’ve lived here forever and ya know I need to go see a doctor duh. Well anyways my ex roommate never got my mail no matter how many times I told him I was expecting something important. Probably because he was high abusing the cat drunk or all of the above. So I was like okay well I still have my Ohio insurance covering my meds until I move WELLL
Nope: my heath insurance ran out about two weeks ago. So I withdrawed from all my anti depressants and it is literal hell. I don’t wish it on my worst enemy. Get off psych meds safe and sound not cold turkey like I had too. I was sick forever on top of everything else.
Anyways, I don’t wanna jinx it but my life is slowly getting better. I have job interviews lined up. I’m gttting more stable with my anxiety(some days). I’m not so suicidal right now and I’m even gonna start heading in the right direction of going back to church. Just continue to pray for me.
I honestly wanna give a shoutout to all the people who have heard me complain and cry and get mad during the last three weeks. Shoutout to my best friend Shane who had let me crash at his place and fed me and hung out with me while I closed and needed a friend. Also thankful for all the people who have prayed for me lately. I’ve felt the prayers and the love and God has truly blessed me
Basically this has been the center of my life the last three weeks. Minus dating and other stuff I’m not ready to talk about. Other blogs to come super soon when I’m actually not typing on my phone and on my laptop.
PEACE GUYS✌🏻
You’ll hear from me soon.
-Kyrsten
it has been almost a month since my last blog post and I’ve been dying literally dying(just kidsing) to blog for y’all. So here I am blogging.
You guys are probably confused on why my blog title is the way it is i an blogging from my iPhone due to the fact that I’ve been dying to blog forever but hey STORY TIME.
So remember my really crappy roommate? So I moved out from that place and I was supposed(key word) move into another place like ether the week after or later on in the week. I don’t remember bear with me. Anyways I sent the landlord the deposit and I was supposed to get the keys move in and bam give her the rent the following week when I got paid from both jobs. Well the landlord then magically decided they(this gets better) needed it NOW so I cried and scrambled to get the money and I sent it to them only to never hear from the couple again. I called and cried and texted and cried and cried some more and nothing. So there’s the shorten version of how I got scammed out of $1000.
So I stayed with two friends. I spent one night with one friend and the other night with the other and so on. I became super depressed and suicidal because I just wanted my own place. I am so thankful for my friends but there’s only so much you can handle by living out of two bags while your stuff is stored with one friend and you get anxious about where you are sleeping that night.
So I tried to find a place to live and it sucked between one of my jobs became highly toxic at the same time as me not having a place to live. No matter what I didn’t do anything right for my manager
She gave me dirty looks all the time and made me so anxious that I went to friends houses and cried. It also got so bad that I started having nightmares about work. My panic attacks also made a comeback. You see I would open all the time and I would be hella anxious on who would open with me. I almost cried of pure joy when it wasn’t my manager and when it was I could feel the panic in my body and all that went through my head was that I wasn’t good enough and I couldn’t do anything right. I remember clear as day I was working with people I liked and my anxiety was low and then my manager came in for a bit and I had a huge panic attack. I could feel the blush creeping on my face and I couldn’t breath and I almost threw up. It was a nightmare. I put in my two weeks as soon as I could because I was miserable. Between everything going on with my personal life and then the emotional drama I dealt with work I finally just quit. People who know me know I only quit one other job so this was rare but sometimes you just gotta put your mental health first.
Anyways after that drama, I had someone recommended I move up north so I expanded my search and prayed. I finally got the answer that I needed out of Montpelier as soon as possible as it become toxic full of lies and negativity and ex boyfriends who I saw all the time. I found a place twenty minutes north in a cute little town called Waterbury. This time the landlord was patient and we talked about me moving in two weeks after we talked and I’d have the money and he’d mail the keys and boom set. He sent me emails of the place and I checked it out and this time it seemed legit. So I transferred my one job to another store and was dead set on moving to Waterbury. Well when this week started I texted him and was like hey is this still a go blah blah blah. Usually he replies in a timely manner so I don’t need to worry. HAHAHA. Well he never replied
Literally.
Six texts one email and a very upset Kyrsten I was back at square one.
So every website I could try I signed up put an ad whatever. I was so desperate that I put an ad on Craigslist twice. I waited and prayed and cried a little till I got a text from someone about a room in an apartment for just my price range I could move in when I needed too and the other people that weren’t gonna be livIng there weren’t coming back till the end of September so BAM. I was/am trilled. I’ve kept quiet about my soon to be place because I swear if I would talk about it something would happen. So I told my close friends about the possibility kept in contact with the landlord and here we are two days away from moving day. Well one by the time you all read this.
Oh one more thing that has happened so. I went to pick up my meds from the store I was so ready for them cause they are normally are refilled within like a week or two minus one of them but I was running out of meds and anti depressants are the reason why I’m alive basically. Well here’s the kicker. I applied or started to apply for Vermont health insurance since I’ve lived here forever and ya know I need to go see a doctor duh. Well anyways my ex roommate never got my mail no matter how many times I told him I was expecting something important. Probably because he was high abusing the cat drunk or all of the above. So I was like okay well I still have my Ohio insurance covering my meds until I move WELLL
Nope: my heath insurance ran out about two weeks ago. So I withdrawed from all my anti depressants and it is literal hell. I don’t wish it on my worst enemy. Get off psych meds safe and sound not cold turkey like I had too. I was sick forever on top of everything else.
Anyways, I don’t wanna jinx it but my life is slowly getting better. I have job interviews lined up. I’m gttting more stable with my anxiety(some days). I’m not so suicidal right now and I’m even gonna start heading in the right direction of going back to church. Just continue to pray for me.
I honestly wanna give a shoutout to all the people who have heard me complain and cry and get mad during the last three weeks. Shoutout to my best friend Shane who had let me crash at his place and fed me and hung out with me while I closed and needed a friend. Also thankful for all the people who have prayed for me lately. I’ve felt the prayers and the love and God has truly blessed me
Basically this has been the center of my life the last three weeks. Minus dating and other stuff I’m not ready to talk about. Other blogs to come super soon when I’m actually not typing on my phone and on my laptop.
PEACE GUYS✌🏻
You’ll hear from me soon.
-Kyrsten
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