Two Years: Revisted

I have attempted to write a blog post like this but it has actually just come to this conclusion so here goes. And before people accuse me of whatever, just read the rest!

2 years ago I fell harder than ever. Over the last two years, I watched this guy change into someone I completely loved and looked up to. No matter what I was doing with my life, who was in it, he was in the back of my mind. Writing this is actually one of the hardest things I have had to do other than sending him off on his mission. I actually never thought I would have to write this but life has taken so many different directions.

I have struggled with everything under the sun in the last two years. Relationships(friends, family, dating), mental health, living situations, people you name it basically but he stayed. Every week minus 8 ish was something whether it was an email saying "Keep going" or a message saying "Hi" it happened. I was grateful. Though the tears, small victories, the large victories, and the trials he was there.

I watched my 19 year old best friend serve Mexico with all of his heart and fall in love serving the Lord as I fell with him. He knew how I felt and that's what I used to keep going. I told myself I'd get that chance. I mean he HAD to give the girl who wrote him for two years. Who knew.

He didn't and he doesn't. That honestly was a hard pill to swallow. A new scripture from the Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 2:27 talks about agency and the willing to make choices. He has the choice whether or not to talk to me and do whatever he wants. I can't wait around for that choice.

In the last 2 years I have struggled with religion. I basically became a model for Anti-Mormons. I drank, I got tattoos, I stopped going to church and basically laughed at religion. He knew this and regardless he sent me scriptures and talks by leaders. Today, I find myself as what I call a progressing inactive. I am learning again about my faith and sometimes struggling but believing in God and His power. I meet with the local missionaries, pray when I remember and read my scriptures. I always thought he would be the one beside me but it is what it is. As I go back to church, I realize I am doing this for myself not for him. I wouldn't be able to do it without so many great people in my life.

The future is unknown. I sent off a boy who returned with honor and what happened happened. I am struggling to find the words to say but loving that boy for the last two years has been beyond crazy and self discovering. I'm thankful and sad but at the end of the day I am so glad I loved someone like him.

At the end of the day, maybe God put him in my life just for him to help through the bad so I could get through it. Who knows. I will forever thank God for giving me someone like him to love.

To The Boy I’m Letting Go.

I should’ve written this months ago. I should’ve realized months ago that nothing was gonna work out. Yet I still had hope that it was gonna work out. I still prayed every single day that at the end of the day you would choose me.

Now I realize that maybe I dreamt of this reality of you and me. That was my mistake. I had so many dreams about you and me, I thought that maybe it would work. Maybe at the end of this you would tell me that you’ve been feeling the same way the entire time.

I’ve waited and waited and I can’t do it anymore. It’s taken all of me to write this. It’s taken all of me to take off my necklace and push it to the side. I want to sell it but I’m scared and I don’t want to let go. Part of me thinks that maybe if I get rid of it then something will happen. 

People tell me to give it time and that I should be hopeful. I’ve given it most of the time that I’ve had and it’s gotten me no where.  I can’t wait around any longer. I loved you when I didn’t love myself. I keep trying to think of reasons why this didn’t work and I have a list but at the end of the day I’m still defending you when I shouldn’t.

Read this or not I don’t care. I am doing this for myself. I’m doing this so I can stop spending nights thinking about what if. I’m doing this to finally stop being sad about what is never gonna happen. 

Maybe someday I’ll find someone like you and they won’t hurt me the way you did. Maybe I will not be haunted by the ghost of you. Maybe I can finally delete all the photos. I pray you find some happiness and peace in your life. I kinda hope one day you’ll realize what you did. I don’t expect an apology. 

One day I’ll be fine. Until then, goodbye.

-Kyrsten

Two Years

Here I am with another blog post!

This time on an actual computer but im not used to the keyboard so be prepared for typos.

Most of my friends left on missions roughly two years ago. Literally within weeks of each other.

Now again within weeks they are ether home or coming home which is crazy. I love them to death but it has made me do a lot of reflecting from the last two years.

In the last two years, I have been through hell and back.  I went from just assuming I had a mental illness to being diagnosed with roughly five of them in the process. It was a crazy change. I went from never going to the doctor to constantly going to the doctor for med checks and making sure that I haven't jumped off the nearest bridge. I also was the skinniest I had been in forever. I think I was so skinny that if I didnt gain weight I was going to be hospitalized.

I was in two serious relationships in the last two years and honestly those really changed my perception on a lot of things. It honestly made me realized what I wanted. It was something that really made me and broke me all at the same time. I fell in love and in the end it didn't work out. I told myself I was be married by the time my friends got back. No literally. I remember walking to my friends apartment with my best friend and we made a bet for when he came home from his mission and i remember in the back of my head I was like well if im not married by then. Hahaha funny stuff.

After the relationships or some time in between, I was figuring out who I was and how to control myself. I ended up spending a lot of time out of control more than in it. I remember crying a lot and wanting my friends home from their missions right then and now. By the time my first major incident happened, I had three friends on a mission. I spent roughly five days in a mental health facility. All so I could get my mental health in check. That was roughly eight months or so after my first diagnosis.

I tried serving a mission and then being the girl who got married and I couldn't do it. I just wasn't able to do it. I look back and man I thought I could never get through it.

But I did.

I look at the situation where my life has been a joke basically for the last two months or so. It sucks like almost everyday but everything happens for a reason.  As much as I hate the current situation I am in and wish it was over I do realize that I am so much stronger than I let on. I think about how my now two best friends are home(basically) from their missions and how I am so thankful to have people like them in my life. They have let me rant and rave to them about the crap going on in my life and also still teaching the wonderful people of Mexico and Colorado. Thank you for giving them back by the way lol. They have grown so much in the gospel and I seriously look up to them so much.

I know I am not the same person from two years ago. Hell, I am not the same person from six months ago. I think the difference this time is that I know that I can get through it even though somedays all I want to do is hide under the covers. Everyday is a new learning experience and I am beyond ready for it. As much as I don't want certain things to happen I have to deal with it. Another difference I notice is that this time I know what I want and I am not afraid of getting it. I also don't really have a filter and basically say whatever I want so. I don't let things really get in my way.

I didn't except this blog post to be as a long as it is so sorry for that honestlyyyy so

Enjoy this blog and i am pretty sure I am going to be blogging a lot more at least for the next week because I finally have a computer in my face and I have a lot of post ideas that need to be let out lol

Thanks for dealing with meeee

-Kyrsten

Blogging iPhone style

WHAT IS UP

it has been almost a month since my last blog post and I’ve been dying literally dying(just kidsing) to blog for y’all. So here I am blogging.

You guys are probably confused on why my blog title is the way it is i an blogging from my iPhone due to the fact that I’ve been dying to blog forever but hey STORY TIME.

So remember my really crappy roommate? So I moved out from that place and I was supposed(key word) move into another place like ether the week after or later on in the week. I don’t remember bear with me. Anyways I sent the landlord the deposit and I was supposed to get the keys move in and bam give her the rent the following week when I got paid from both jobs. Well the landlord then magically decided they(this gets better) needed it NOW so I cried and scrambled to get the money and I sent it to them only to never hear from the couple again. I called and cried and texted and cried and cried some more and nothing. So there’s the shorten version of how I got scammed out of $1000.

So I stayed with two friends. I spent one night with one friend and the other night with the other and so on. I became super depressed and suicidal because I just wanted my own place. I am so thankful for my friends but there’s only so much you can handle by living out of two bags while your stuff is stored with one friend and you get anxious about where you are sleeping that night.

So I tried to find a place to live and it sucked between one of my jobs became highly toxic at the same time as me not having a place to live. No matter what I didn’t do anything right for my manager
She gave me dirty looks all the time and made me so anxious that I went to friends houses and cried. It also got so bad that I started having nightmares about work. My panic attacks also made a comeback. You see I would open all the time and I would be hella anxious on who would open with me. I almost cried of pure joy when it wasn’t my manager and when it was I could feel the panic in my body and all that went through my head was that I wasn’t good enough and I couldn’t do anything right. I remember clear as day I was working with people I liked and my anxiety was low and then my manager came in for a bit and I had a huge panic attack. I could feel the blush creeping on my face and I couldn’t breath and I almost threw up. It was a nightmare. I put in my two weeks as soon as I could because I was miserable. Between everything going on with my personal life and then the emotional drama I dealt with work I finally just quit. People who know me know I only quit one other job so this was rare but sometimes you just gotta put your mental health first.

Anyways after that drama, I had someone recommended I move up north so I expanded my search and prayed. I finally got the answer that I needed out of Montpelier as soon as possible as it become toxic full of lies and negativity and ex boyfriends who I saw all the time. I found a place twenty minutes north in a cute little town called Waterbury. This time the landlord was patient and we talked about me moving in two weeks after we talked and I’d have the money and he’d mail the keys and boom set. He sent me emails of the place and I checked it out and this time it seemed legit. So I transferred my one job to another store and was dead set on moving to Waterbury. Well when this week started I texted him and was like hey is this still a go blah blah blah. Usually he replies in a timely manner so I don’t need to worry. HAHAHA. Well he never replied

Literally.

Six texts one email and a very upset Kyrsten I was back at square one.


So every website I could try I signed up put an ad whatever. I was so desperate that I put an ad on Craigslist twice.  I waited and prayed and cried a little till I got a text from someone about a room in an apartment for just my price range I could move in when I needed too and the other people that weren’t gonna be livIng there weren’t coming back till the end of September so BAM. I was/am trilled. I’ve kept quiet about my soon to be place because I swear if I would talk about it something would happen. So I told my close friends about the possibility kept in contact with the landlord and here we are two days away from moving day. Well one by the time you all read this.

Oh one more thing that has happened so. I went to pick up my meds from the store I was so ready for them cause they are normally are refilled within like a week or two minus one of them but I was running out of meds and anti depressants are the reason why I’m alive basically. Well here’s the kicker. I applied or started to apply for Vermont health insurance since I’ve lived here forever and ya know I need to go see a doctor duh. Well anyways my ex roommate never got my mail no matter how many times I told him I was expecting something important. Probably because he was high abusing the cat drunk or all of the above. So I was like okay well I still have my Ohio insurance covering my meds until I move WELLL

Nope: my heath insurance ran out about two weeks ago. So I withdrawed from all my anti depressants and it is literal hell. I don’t wish it on my worst enemy. Get off psych meds safe and sound not cold turkey like I had too. I was sick forever on top of everything else.

Anyways, I don’t wanna jinx it but my life is slowly getting better. I have job interviews lined up. I’m gttting more stable with my anxiety(some days). I’m not so suicidal right now and I’m even gonna start heading in the right direction of going back to church. Just continue to pray for me.

I honestly wanna give a shoutout to all the people who have heard me complain and cry and get mad during the last three weeks. Shoutout to my best friend Shane who had let me crash at his place and fed me and hung out with me while I closed and needed a friend. Also thankful for all the people who have prayed for me lately. I’ve felt the prayers and the love and God has truly blessed me

Basically this has been the center of my life the last three weeks. Minus dating and other stuff I’m not  ready to talk about. Other blogs to come super soon when I’m actually not typing on my phone and on my laptop.

PEACE GUYS✌🏻

You’ll hear from me soon.

-Kyrsten

The Dreaded Move

For the millionth time it seems like I am moving.

It seems like all I do is move but this time it isn't my fault. I promise.

Two or so months ago, my dad was getting ready to go back to Ohio but I didn't wanna go home. So I was looking for ether a roommate or some sort of housing. My dad found this guy(who is gonna be nameless) who needed a roommate. I met the guy later in the week and he seemed decent to room with while I saved up for my own place.

Well, as you can tell that didn't work out. I was miserable in the situation. My roommate smoked a lot of week. Our apartment ether smelled like cat feces,weed, and or alcohol. I didn't mind the weed honestly but after awhile the apartment smelling like weed became a problem.

I tried hard to look past the weed but soon after there was an incident that dealt with the cat. One night my best friend and i were chilling in my room after I closed Subway and my roommate also had people over. You could smell the weed through the vent and all of a sudden you heard a male voice that sounded exactly like my roommate and the cat screaming at the top of its lungs. I paused my music and listened and my stomach sank. The cat leaped on the fridge from what I heard. My roommate came into my room high as a kite and made up some story of how the cat tried to get into the window or something like that. After the incident, the cat avoided him for a good week or so and that led me to believe something else happened.

Some other incidents include waking me up at three am by calling me to let him in the building because he kept letting people use/borrow his key and having people over at 1:30 am when I worked at seven am.

Last but not least the purpose of this blog other than to rant! I got a text from my lovely roommate lat thursday after having a decent night saying he was moving out the next Friday and since I was subleasing I had to leave too.WHAT.

So after a complete 180 of attitude and a panic attack which led to a phone call to my dad at 11pm, I had eight days to figure out where the hell I was gonna live. Again, WHAT.

So I called many people and cried and applied for places and been in constant contact with the landlord of the place, I am moving out of the apartment. I don't make enough money to take over the lease and my roommate found out in May he was being evicted WHAT THE HELL. Also, here is the kicker, the landlord told me that he didn't know I was living there with my roommate and my roommate wasn't supposed to have the cat.

So? Currently, I am applying for basically every available apartment in Montpelier/Northfield for a place. Luckily I have a good friend from work letting me crash with him for the next two weeks while I figure out my next move! It is ether find a place/find a roommate or go to Virginia to stay with my dad.

As crazy as it is, this is life currently and life has taught me soooo much.

Lesson learned: Always get to know someone really well before you live with them.

Always keeping it real!

-Kyrsten

Come and Go

Honestly this is super hard to write but it's been a long time coming.

I had this group of friends in college that I used to think that it was God's way of making sure I was okay my first year of school.

Last year, I had one of the worst years of my life. Between my parents finalizing their divorce, ending my engagement, being raped, and being in the mental hospital not once but twice I was a mess. I had friends in this group leave on Mormon missions, get married and do wonderful things with their lives. I was just stuck in this never ending cycle of bad things.

I fell apart from one friend in particular after she got married and during my mental health struggle and I was stuck. I felt very alone and I self isolated and no matter what I tried I couldn't feel better. It was hard for me to talk to her because my life wasn't like hers. She was married and in a bliss and my life was kinda crashing down. How do you talk to someone like that? Once I got myself in a place where I could let people in, I apologized but she took everything to hear. It felt like I was unwanted and not good enough.

I was best friends with this one girl and I wrote her every week of her mission. I was so proud and so happy for her. I made sure she was doing okay mentally and listening to her rants and raves. I was so excited to have my best friend back that when she came home I got all excited and I was ignored for a couple of days. At the time I was struggling with religion(still am) and when she came home I reached out to her and was hoping to use her a crutch I guess to get back. I was excited to share scriptures and experiences and go from there. Then she told me that she felt like we shouldn't be friends.

My so called "friends" blocked me on social media and talked about me saying how they reached out and tried and I just didn't do anything They also said how mental illness is not an excuse for behavior. It was at a point where forgiveness wasn't deserved.

I felt like because I wasn't the stereotypical Mormon for them I wasn't good enough to be their friends. I gotten tattoos and I was engaged and at that point, church wasn't a priority. I wanted to take believing in the gospel in my own hands and that wasn't good enough .When I needed someone, they abandoned me.

Getting rid of toxic friendships like this was hard. I thought we would be close for a long time. I struggled a lot with why this happened and how they could just give up on someone who was always there and tried their hardest even in the worst moments. I struggled a lot with being good enough for people cause they made me feel unworthy of having friendships.

People don't realize that sometimes its easier to talk things out then to let things escalate.

And ever since then I have a group of friends who have taught me the real meaning of friendship and what it means to be appreciated and respected from friends.

Suicide Prevention

Last year, I was suicidal.

Maybe a shocker but not really.

I spent time in the mental hospital twice because of these thoughts. Between the mental hospital and getting some of the help I need I am alive.

Barley.

I still struggle. Sometimes I feel like it would be so much easier to just end it all. I don't because of my four younger sisters. Especially my baby brother Anderson, he deserves to know who I am.

Heres the twist. I am extremely bothered by the fact that suicide is JUST getting more attention. Where's the attention after girls from high school in their senior year kill themselves? What do we do for people who go to mental hospitals for suicidal thoughts? What do we do for the people who have tried to commit suicide and failed? What about the people who think about killing themselves daily?

Plot twist: I am still suicidal. Again, if  I didn't have four younger siblings I probably wouldn't be alive. I am what is called "Passively Suicidal" take some time to read this article about the difference between being passively suicidal and active suicidal thoughts. (https://themighty.com/2016/10/the-difference-between-active-and-passive-suicidal-thoughts/)

What keeps me going is that if I did do something I would miss all of my friends coming home from their missions and my baby brother wouldn't meet me.

In the last year, I cut out a group of friends who kept going on their lives. When I was in the lowest points, they were worried about marriage, babies, dating, and missions. I honestly felt like I didn't matter. They got angry as I felt like I couldn't talk to them because they continued with their lives. I felt like a last priority. I felt like what was going on with me didn't matter to them. So we just stopped talking and being friends. It was added stress and honestly sad because I trusted them and I felt abandoned but according to them I just pushed them away.

Now?

As much as my mental health is a challenge, I have support and I am so thankful. I have a handful of people that I can open and honest with them and they support me. They make sure that I am doing okay mentally and when I am not they help me get to the right mindset. SO THANKFUL FOR MY FRIENDS YALL KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

I am eternally grateful for the birth of my baby brother Anderson. I've said this multiple times but he gives me the reason to be alive. I haven't met him and I am dying to meet him. He deserves to know who I am other than pictures.

Mental health needs to be talked about more. I am a fighter and a survivor. I try not to let my mental illness bring me down. Some days it wins and some days it doesn't.

Please please reach out to friends. Don't be afraid to text or call them and just let them know you are thinking about them. Don't be afraid to tell them you are concerned. I have smiled so much at messages from friends saying that they are praying for me and that if I need to talk then they are there.

KEEP AN OPEN LINE OF COMMUNICATION. I have struggled a lot with thinking I had no one to talk and I constantly felt alone. WORST FEELING EVER.

Be safe always and don't ever be afraid because I promise someone knows how you feel and always is willing to listen.