Last year, I was suicidal.
Maybe a shocker but not really.
I spent time in the mental hospital twice because of these thoughts. Between the mental hospital and getting some of the help I need I am alive.
Barley.
I still struggle. Sometimes I feel like it would be so much easier to just end it all. I don't because of my four younger sisters. Especially my baby brother Anderson, he deserves to know who I am.
Heres the twist. I am extremely bothered by the fact that suicide is JUST getting more attention. Where's the attention after girls from high school in their senior year kill themselves? What do we do for people who go to mental hospitals for suicidal thoughts? What do we do for the people who have tried to commit suicide and failed? What about the people who think about killing themselves daily?
Plot twist: I am still suicidal. Again, if I didn't have four younger siblings I probably wouldn't be alive. I am what is called "Passively Suicidal" take some time to read this article about the difference between being passively suicidal and active suicidal thoughts. (https://themighty.com/2016/10/the-difference-between-active-and-passive-suicidal-thoughts/)
What keeps me going is that if I did do something I would miss all of my friends coming home from their missions and my baby brother wouldn't meet me.
In the last year, I cut out a group of friends who kept going on their lives. When I was in the lowest points, they were worried about marriage, babies, dating, and missions. I honestly felt like I didn't matter. They got angry as I felt like I couldn't talk to them because they continued with their lives. I felt like a last priority. I felt like what was going on with me didn't matter to them. So we just stopped talking and being friends. It was added stress and honestly sad because I trusted them and I felt abandoned but according to them I just pushed them away.
Now?
As much as my mental health is a challenge, I have support and I am so thankful. I have a handful of people that I can open and honest with them and they support me. They make sure that I am doing okay mentally and when I am not they help me get to the right mindset. SO THANKFUL FOR MY FRIENDS YALL KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
I am eternally grateful for the birth of my baby brother Anderson. I've said this multiple times but he gives me the reason to be alive. I haven't met him and I am dying to meet him. He deserves to know who I am other than pictures.
Mental health needs to be talked about more. I am a fighter and a survivor. I try not to let my mental illness bring me down. Some days it wins and some days it doesn't.
Please please reach out to friends. Don't be afraid to text or call them and just let them know you are thinking about them. Don't be afraid to tell them you are concerned. I have smiled so much at messages from friends saying that they are praying for me and that if I need to talk then they are there.
KEEP AN OPEN LINE OF COMMUNICATION. I have struggled a lot with thinking I had no one to talk and I constantly felt alone. WORST FEELING EVER.
Be safe always and don't ever be afraid because I promise someone knows how you feel and always is willing to listen.
Monday, June 11, 2018
Monday, May 14, 2018
Full Circle
I have been putting off this blog post...
Actually i haven't per say been putting it off, I have been dreading it.
I knew if I wanted to move on or at least start moving on I was gonna have to talk about it. So here goes.
It has been 361 days since I was raped. 361 since the guy who I thought was decent took my pride away from me.
I remember the day like the back of my hand. I told him to come over because he was drinking and I didn't want him to get drunk. I told him from the moment he walked in my backdoor nothing was gonna happen other than a simple kiss at best. I remembered that we ordered food and watched Avatar The Last Airbender and between food and Avatar it happened.
My timehop reminds me of meeting him and when we drank together and I cringe at the fact that I ever had feelings for him.
I remember telling my dad. Something I will never forget. I asked him to talk without my siblings, just me and him. We went to a park near his house, I remember telling him and us just sitting in silence. I made my dad promise he wasn't gonna take any crazy action.
I ended up blocking him on every social media after me confronting him went terrible. To this day, I will never forget the words, "You didn't say no when it was going on."
I ended up going to therapy and my therapist is dead quiet as I talked about my rape and to this day May 18th is one of the worst days of my life.
I remember going to the doctor because of extreme pelvic pain. I got an STD test and a shot from hell. I was extremely bruised from the trauma. Also, STD prevention shots are no joke. They inserted the needle which didn't hurt and then the medicine itself made my legs hurt so bad with pain I had an anxiety attack. I was crying and screaming because the pain was so bad.
The reason why I titled this "Full Circle" is because since then I have done things that I never thought I would have done in the last 365 days. I have moved out and now currently live with a roommate. I currently work two jobs that keep me from overthinking. I cut some real toxic relationships including the one with my rapist. I have apologized to people I have hurt.
I am learning how to move past it even though right now its hard to think that it has basically been a full year after this encounter.
Dating has never been the same since then, I have gone off the deep end at times and other times, I am afraid of relationships.
In the last year, I have become apart of the #metoo movement which promotes healing from sexual assault. I have been able to try to start moving on because of that movement.
This is become who I am.
Life moves on but somethings you will never forget.
Actually i haven't per say been putting it off, I have been dreading it.
I knew if I wanted to move on or at least start moving on I was gonna have to talk about it. So here goes.
It has been 361 days since I was raped. 361 since the guy who I thought was decent took my pride away from me.
I remember the day like the back of my hand. I told him to come over because he was drinking and I didn't want him to get drunk. I told him from the moment he walked in my backdoor nothing was gonna happen other than a simple kiss at best. I remembered that we ordered food and watched Avatar The Last Airbender and between food and Avatar it happened.
My timehop reminds me of meeting him and when we drank together and I cringe at the fact that I ever had feelings for him.
I remember telling my dad. Something I will never forget. I asked him to talk without my siblings, just me and him. We went to a park near his house, I remember telling him and us just sitting in silence. I made my dad promise he wasn't gonna take any crazy action.
I ended up blocking him on every social media after me confronting him went terrible. To this day, I will never forget the words, "You didn't say no when it was going on."
I ended up going to therapy and my therapist is dead quiet as I talked about my rape and to this day May 18th is one of the worst days of my life.
I remember going to the doctor because of extreme pelvic pain. I got an STD test and a shot from hell. I was extremely bruised from the trauma. Also, STD prevention shots are no joke. They inserted the needle which didn't hurt and then the medicine itself made my legs hurt so bad with pain I had an anxiety attack. I was crying and screaming because the pain was so bad.
The reason why I titled this "Full Circle" is because since then I have done things that I never thought I would have done in the last 365 days. I have moved out and now currently live with a roommate. I currently work two jobs that keep me from overthinking. I cut some real toxic relationships including the one with my rapist. I have apologized to people I have hurt.
I am learning how to move past it even though right now its hard to think that it has basically been a full year after this encounter.
Dating has never been the same since then, I have gone off the deep end at times and other times, I am afraid of relationships.
In the last year, I have become apart of the #metoo movement which promotes healing from sexual assault. I have been able to try to start moving on because of that movement.
This is become who I am.
Life moves on but somethings you will never forget.
Monday, April 30, 2018
365 One Year
365 days ago, May 1st 2017 I made one of the biggest decisions of my life.
I said goodbye to my family and I went to treatment because I was suicidal. I just wanted to die.
I remember sitting in the emergency room all day scared out of my mind because I didn't know what would happen next.
This was a long time coming. I remember battling self harm and suicidal thoughts in my early teens and battling more with them in my latter teens/early twenties.
I didn't want to go but I had to go.
I remember the outbursts and the crying from being manic and just continuing to wish that I wasn't gonna go. I had read and heard horror stories about treatment.
They sent me to a hospital in Mansfield, Ohio where my (then) psychiatrist worked at part time. I remember seeing him and talking to him and feeling like he was the only thing that reminded me of home.
The hospital was lonely and I remember being the only one in my age group there. I was too old for the kids ward but I felt too young to be on the adult ward. I remember being jealous of this guy who I met I think his name was Tom or Tony and he was bright and smiling and he was going home way earlier than me and I was jealous. Way jealous.
He talked about his wife and his kids and how he was going to make his recovery work. He talked about his coping skills and other stuff. I thought maybe if I said that I would get to go home.
Six days.
Six days of treatment and waking up god awful early. Six days of meeting with therapists and nurses who watch you every single second you are up and breathing. Six days of being woken up by ether a nurse needing my vitals or my psychiatrist pissed because in the almost two years I was meeting with him I still took(take) naps.
One year post treatment life is still rough. I still have those days where all I want to do is sit in my bed and cry about everything and anything. Cry because my best friend isn't home yet. Cry because work is hard.
Bur I did it.
I lived to see two milestones. Twenty One and One Year Post Treatment.
Honestly?
I never thought I would live to see ether of those. I thought I would've killed myself by now. I've thought and thought about it but after what God has shown me I think I can still around for awhile longer.
Mental health is way important. You never know who is suffering. It could be your best friend, your neighbor or even someone in your family, be sensitive and supportive as you never know what is going through someone else's head.
Love always,
Kyrsten
I said goodbye to my family and I went to treatment because I was suicidal. I just wanted to die.
I remember sitting in the emergency room all day scared out of my mind because I didn't know what would happen next.
This was a long time coming. I remember battling self harm and suicidal thoughts in my early teens and battling more with them in my latter teens/early twenties.
I didn't want to go but I had to go.
I remember the outbursts and the crying from being manic and just continuing to wish that I wasn't gonna go. I had read and heard horror stories about treatment.
They sent me to a hospital in Mansfield, Ohio where my (then) psychiatrist worked at part time. I remember seeing him and talking to him and feeling like he was the only thing that reminded me of home.
The hospital was lonely and I remember being the only one in my age group there. I was too old for the kids ward but I felt too young to be on the adult ward. I remember being jealous of this guy who I met I think his name was Tom or Tony and he was bright and smiling and he was going home way earlier than me and I was jealous. Way jealous.
He talked about his wife and his kids and how he was going to make his recovery work. He talked about his coping skills and other stuff. I thought maybe if I said that I would get to go home.
Six days.
Six days of treatment and waking up god awful early. Six days of meeting with therapists and nurses who watch you every single second you are up and breathing. Six days of being woken up by ether a nurse needing my vitals or my psychiatrist pissed because in the almost two years I was meeting with him I still took(take) naps.
One year post treatment life is still rough. I still have those days where all I want to do is sit in my bed and cry about everything and anything. Cry because my best friend isn't home yet. Cry because work is hard.
Bur I did it.
I lived to see two milestones. Twenty One and One Year Post Treatment.
Honestly?
I never thought I would live to see ether of those. I thought I would've killed myself by now. I've thought and thought about it but after what God has shown me I think I can still around for awhile longer.
Mental health is way important. You never know who is suffering. It could be your best friend, your neighbor or even someone in your family, be sensitive and supportive as you never know what is going through someone else's head.
Love always,
Kyrsten
Thursday, April 26, 2018
Untitled
I have literally been trying to write a blog post for dayss.
Recently, I have done a lot of "spring cleaning" on social media. I have unfriended and blocked people who to me are ether toxic or make me feel negative. Honestly, it feels fantastic. I don't have to look at people's post who make me ether angry or just bring negative feelings into myself. Best decision I have made in awhile. I even unfollowed people on instagram and twitter just because again I didn't wanna see their posts.
I also started this diet where I don't really eat junk food or sweets. Anyone who knows me, knows i adore chocolate and candy and just most junk food. I cut that out of my system so I could lose a little bit of weight and just feel better. It is so much easier than I thought it was gonna be. If I eat any at all, I limit myself. For example at work yesterday, I adore Subway cookies. I mean who doesnt? I ate one and a bag of chips and I didn't eat anymore even though I was hungry and they looked so good. I honestly went to Shaw's and bought some watermelon for dinner cause I mean fruits and veggies are healthy and I adore watermelon.
It came to my attention that I have been officially living in the Green Mountain State for the last FIVE months. I am only excited because I can see the whole 180 that I have done mentally and emotionally since I have first moved here.
When I first moved here, I was overly depressed and sad and I just didn't want to do anything. I left my siblings and the life that I had there. I was honestly scared to leave the doctors that i had there who had my back. I honestly am so in love with Vermont.
Vermont to me has become a place where I am figuring out who I am and who I want to be. It feels amazing. I have a decent amount of friends and I am happy(even on my depression days). While here, I have lost friends who I thought would stick around forever in my life and honestly I was super sad at first and now I am just like if you want to leave there is the front door. You could honesty say I have developed a chip on my shoulder but in reality I have just learned to stick up for myself and not hide.
I've learned so much about what people I want and deserve in my life. Yes, I am talking about dating. It is a pain in my butt. I've dated people, got my heart broken, and learned to say goodbye to the blue eyed boy who obviously doesn't want to be in my life. I won't lie when I say I haven't cried about it but everything is a lesson. God has a plan.
I am not gonna lie and say that sometimes it sucks to know that I don't know exactly what God has planned for me. I am calm in knowing that everything happens for a reason.
I am doing okay. My mental health isn't 100% and I don't think it will be for awhile but I am working on it. I can't lie and say I am magically healthy. There are some days when I realize that I can't do it and that is okay. I am stronger than my illness. I have learned again what happiness and excitement. If I work towards things in my life then they will happen.
I am not the same person who left Ohio five to six months ago. I am someone totally different and I am finally okay with it. Figuring out who I am and what I want is the one of the most exciting things going on in my life. Yeah, there might be tears along the way and some negativity but I can handle it.
Always yours,
Kyrsten
Recently, I have done a lot of "spring cleaning" on social media. I have unfriended and blocked people who to me are ether toxic or make me feel negative. Honestly, it feels fantastic. I don't have to look at people's post who make me ether angry or just bring negative feelings into myself. Best decision I have made in awhile. I even unfollowed people on instagram and twitter just because again I didn't wanna see their posts.
I also started this diet where I don't really eat junk food or sweets. Anyone who knows me, knows i adore chocolate and candy and just most junk food. I cut that out of my system so I could lose a little bit of weight and just feel better. It is so much easier than I thought it was gonna be. If I eat any at all, I limit myself. For example at work yesterday, I adore Subway cookies. I mean who doesnt? I ate one and a bag of chips and I didn't eat anymore even though I was hungry and they looked so good. I honestly went to Shaw's and bought some watermelon for dinner cause I mean fruits and veggies are healthy and I adore watermelon.
It came to my attention that I have been officially living in the Green Mountain State for the last FIVE months. I am only excited because I can see the whole 180 that I have done mentally and emotionally since I have first moved here.
When I first moved here, I was overly depressed and sad and I just didn't want to do anything. I left my siblings and the life that I had there. I was honestly scared to leave the doctors that i had there who had my back. I honestly am so in love with Vermont.
Vermont to me has become a place where I am figuring out who I am and who I want to be. It feels amazing. I have a decent amount of friends and I am happy(even on my depression days). While here, I have lost friends who I thought would stick around forever in my life and honestly I was super sad at first and now I am just like if you want to leave there is the front door. You could honesty say I have developed a chip on my shoulder but in reality I have just learned to stick up for myself and not hide.
I've learned so much about what people I want and deserve in my life. Yes, I am talking about dating. It is a pain in my butt. I've dated people, got my heart broken, and learned to say goodbye to the blue eyed boy who obviously doesn't want to be in my life. I won't lie when I say I haven't cried about it but everything is a lesson. God has a plan.
I am not gonna lie and say that sometimes it sucks to know that I don't know exactly what God has planned for me. I am calm in knowing that everything happens for a reason.
I am doing okay. My mental health isn't 100% and I don't think it will be for awhile but I am working on it. I can't lie and say I am magically healthy. There are some days when I realize that I can't do it and that is okay. I am stronger than my illness. I have learned again what happiness and excitement. If I work towards things in my life then they will happen.
I am not the same person who left Ohio five to six months ago. I am someone totally different and I am finally okay with it. Figuring out who I am and what I want is the one of the most exciting things going on in my life. Yeah, there might be tears along the way and some negativity but I can handle it.
Always yours,
Kyrsten
Thursday, April 12, 2018
Dear Love
I didn't believe I could fall in love fast.
Then I met him.
Our first date was one of the most awkward dates I have ever been on. We barley talked and I swore up and down that I would never go on another date with him.
Two days later, I was in the car with him.
The second date was something special, we watched one of my favorite movies and for the first time in log time, holding hands and cuddling brought butterflies. When we kissed for the first time I felt passion and again more butterflies that I hadn't felt in a about a year or so. I forgot what that feeling was.
I wanted him. I wanted more. I wanted to feel the butterflies. I laughed and smiled harder than I have in forever. I fell for his smile and the way that he caressed my hand for twenty minutes. I couldn't take my eye off of him no matter how hard I try. He held me tight and I heard his heart beat and for once it felt like home. I told him about the past and hoping even praying that he would be in the future.
No matter what happens, I am thankful. I am thankful for the boy who made a difference in my life. I could watch him laugh and smile for hours without getting bored. He is the type of guy who hugs you and holds you tight. It is the simple things that you fall for.
I fell for the fact that he was there. He made me realize that I need to live my life now instead of later. For the first time in so long, I felt like letting someone into this crazy thing called life was something I could do. I let him in and opened up. Something that I haven't done really since my engagement. It felt so easy and so natural. I was confused on why I felt like I was on top of the world with him.
I could be happy again. After all the heartbreak and weeks I have spent crying over other guys and other situations, it felt good to have some confidence about something. He felt like coming home. I hadn't felt that feeling since last summer. I mean yeah I've dated guys between then and now but nothing like him.
Nothing will compare to him.
I will always adore that goofy smile after a bad joke. I adore the way he holds me tight and I can fit my head on his chest.
Thank you. Thank you for teaching me how it feels to like someone like a little high school crush. Thank you for letting me be me.
Who knows how this is gonna turn out. I am anxious and nervous about it but hopeful and that itself scares me but no matter what I am thankful.
-Kyrsten
Then I met him.
Our first date was one of the most awkward dates I have ever been on. We barley talked and I swore up and down that I would never go on another date with him.
Two days later, I was in the car with him.
The second date was something special, we watched one of my favorite movies and for the first time in log time, holding hands and cuddling brought butterflies. When we kissed for the first time I felt passion and again more butterflies that I hadn't felt in a about a year or so. I forgot what that feeling was.
I wanted him. I wanted more. I wanted to feel the butterflies. I laughed and smiled harder than I have in forever. I fell for his smile and the way that he caressed my hand for twenty minutes. I couldn't take my eye off of him no matter how hard I try. He held me tight and I heard his heart beat and for once it felt like home. I told him about the past and hoping even praying that he would be in the future.
No matter what happens, I am thankful. I am thankful for the boy who made a difference in my life. I could watch him laugh and smile for hours without getting bored. He is the type of guy who hugs you and holds you tight. It is the simple things that you fall for.
I fell for the fact that he was there. He made me realize that I need to live my life now instead of later. For the first time in so long, I felt like letting someone into this crazy thing called life was something I could do. I let him in and opened up. Something that I haven't done really since my engagement. It felt so easy and so natural. I was confused on why I felt like I was on top of the world with him.
I could be happy again. After all the heartbreak and weeks I have spent crying over other guys and other situations, it felt good to have some confidence about something. He felt like coming home. I hadn't felt that feeling since last summer. I mean yeah I've dated guys between then and now but nothing like him.
Nothing will compare to him.
I will always adore that goofy smile after a bad joke. I adore the way he holds me tight and I can fit my head on his chest.
Thank you. Thank you for teaching me how it feels to like someone like a little high school crush. Thank you for letting me be me.
Who knows how this is gonna turn out. I am anxious and nervous about it but hopeful and that itself scares me but no matter what I am thankful.
-Kyrsten
Monday, March 19, 2018
Another Day Another Heartbreak
Happy Monday well almost Tuesday.
It has been such an off day. I've have this nasty cold where I have slept so much. My dad and I had a slight scare of me not having my psych meds. We found out my psychiatrist even though he promised while I was here in Vermont that he would fill my meds claims that he never said that so he refused to fill them.
Luckily that nasty cold of mine seemed like the flu so I went and got checked out and urgent care wrote me a script of my psych meds for the next week while I sort it out with my primary care doctor back in Ohio.
I have had a lot of heartbreak lately. Between the ex that came back and the boy who switched his mind in the matter of hours its been a crazy week or two.
I was ranting to one of my close friends and I told him that all I wanted was to be happy and he said that I wouldn't find happiness in another person. I realized that is sorta what I have been doing lately. I have been drowning myself in my own sorrows and letting people then and expecting me to be happy because they are in my life.
I am going to find happiness by changing the negative things in my life. I have a hard time letting go. Like recently that ex who came back was the same ex that ghosted me in February only to ghost me again last weekend. What did i do? Call him and got his voicemail.
Another situation that is kinda my current situation is that there was this guy from work and hes cute hes a little bit younger than me and we basically closed the store on Monday and we spent hours just teasing each other. So weve been talking for a week and we were gonna go on a date and see where things go. Nope he canceled on our date and then told me that he doesn't think I am the person for him. Okay buddy. It kinda just sucks because I've thought he was cute for like ever and I knew in the back of my hand that I would never get a chance.
Life is life. I have some really hopeful news that I am not ready to share because nothing is set in stone. Just know I am okay. I am alive and trying to kick butt in life before it kicks my butt.
I am trying to make the best out of each situation. For once, I am gonna focus on me and only me. I am hanging in there. Not gonna give up.
-Kyrsten
It has been such an off day. I've have this nasty cold where I have slept so much. My dad and I had a slight scare of me not having my psych meds. We found out my psychiatrist even though he promised while I was here in Vermont that he would fill my meds claims that he never said that so he refused to fill them.
Luckily that nasty cold of mine seemed like the flu so I went and got checked out and urgent care wrote me a script of my psych meds for the next week while I sort it out with my primary care doctor back in Ohio.
I have had a lot of heartbreak lately. Between the ex that came back and the boy who switched his mind in the matter of hours its been a crazy week or two.
I was ranting to one of my close friends and I told him that all I wanted was to be happy and he said that I wouldn't find happiness in another person. I realized that is sorta what I have been doing lately. I have been drowning myself in my own sorrows and letting people then and expecting me to be happy because they are in my life.
I am going to find happiness by changing the negative things in my life. I have a hard time letting go. Like recently that ex who came back was the same ex that ghosted me in February only to ghost me again last weekend. What did i do? Call him and got his voicemail.
Another situation that is kinda my current situation is that there was this guy from work and hes cute hes a little bit younger than me and we basically closed the store on Monday and we spent hours just teasing each other. So weve been talking for a week and we were gonna go on a date and see where things go. Nope he canceled on our date and then told me that he doesn't think I am the person for him. Okay buddy. It kinda just sucks because I've thought he was cute for like ever and I knew in the back of my hand that I would never get a chance.
Life is life. I have some really hopeful news that I am not ready to share because nothing is set in stone. Just know I am okay. I am alive and trying to kick butt in life before it kicks my butt.
I am trying to make the best out of each situation. For once, I am gonna focus on me and only me. I am hanging in there. Not gonna give up.
-Kyrsten
Monday, March 12, 2018
Cant Stop Wont Stop
I"m still alive but I am barley breathing.
STORY OF MY LIFE.
If nobody believes that seasonal depression is a real thing should move to the Northeast for the winter and tell me how they feel.
Not the point of this blog post.
The last month and a half have honestly been the hardest month and a half of my life. I am always open about my mental health struggles. I feel like talking about it helps not only me but helps whoever else is going through the same stuff I am going through.
So lately I have been passively suicidal and honestly I don't think that is going away anytime soon. To those freaking out, calm down I am okay. I am so specific in my fight that I am being honest to the very dot.
Not many people know the difference between passive and active suicidal thoughts so I will explain that before I go any further. "Being passively suicidal means you wish to die. Actively suicidal is just that — you’ve got your plan and you’re planning on going through with the plan." quote from my favorite article explaining the difference probably better than me https://themighty.com/2016/10/the-difference-between-active-and-passive-suicidal-thoughts/ there is the link
Before someone tells me I have no reason to feel this way, you have no right. I feel the way I feel for a reason. Life has been a mess and I am blunt and honest about it.
Between dating, life, school, and work I have been stressed out to to the max. I spend weekends forcing myself to do simple things like get out of bed and do laundry and maybe even leave the house. The week is exhausting from working 33+ hours trying to pay for my life basically. Life and school is expensive. My body has learned what constantly crying is. I swear I cry a couple times a week about something - kinda anything to be honest.
I made a post of how dating has triggered my depression and anxiety and I thought I'd shed a little light on that. I got out of a relationship from someone who decided that calling me and texting me was a good idea to break up with me. He lives in the same city as me.
After that relationship, I beat myself up for that ending and most of my past relationships so I had this very negative mindset going in dates and when I was getting to know people I still had that negative mindset. It constantly had me thinking that I was the reason why they didn't want to go on another date or I was the reason why they just didn't want to hang out with me.
Sometimes people just suck.
I am constantly getting the question, "What are you doing with your life?" Well let me answer that, I finally have an idea. I am gonna go home to Ohio and learn how to be independent. I am gonna get my mental health together and hopefully be on my way to Idaho in the fall.
I am nervous as heck about this new adventure after being here in Vermont but hopefully everything goes well.
Right now, I am still figuring out my mental health and how much I can handle and figuring out when I need help but I am okay and I am learning how to be happy again.
Until next time,
Kyrsten
STORY OF MY LIFE.
If nobody believes that seasonal depression is a real thing should move to the Northeast for the winter and tell me how they feel.
Not the point of this blog post.
The last month and a half have honestly been the hardest month and a half of my life. I am always open about my mental health struggles. I feel like talking about it helps not only me but helps whoever else is going through the same stuff I am going through.
So lately I have been passively suicidal and honestly I don't think that is going away anytime soon. To those freaking out, calm down I am okay. I am so specific in my fight that I am being honest to the very dot.
Not many people know the difference between passive and active suicidal thoughts so I will explain that before I go any further. "Being passively suicidal means you wish to die. Actively suicidal is just that — you’ve got your plan and you’re planning on going through with the plan." quote from my favorite article explaining the difference probably better than me https://themighty.com/2016/10/the-difference-between-active-and-passive-suicidal-thoughts/ there is the link
Before someone tells me I have no reason to feel this way, you have no right. I feel the way I feel for a reason. Life has been a mess and I am blunt and honest about it.
Between dating, life, school, and work I have been stressed out to to the max. I spend weekends forcing myself to do simple things like get out of bed and do laundry and maybe even leave the house. The week is exhausting from working 33+ hours trying to pay for my life basically. Life and school is expensive. My body has learned what constantly crying is. I swear I cry a couple times a week about something - kinda anything to be honest.
I made a post of how dating has triggered my depression and anxiety and I thought I'd shed a little light on that. I got out of a relationship from someone who decided that calling me and texting me was a good idea to break up with me. He lives in the same city as me.
After that relationship, I beat myself up for that ending and most of my past relationships so I had this very negative mindset going in dates and when I was getting to know people I still had that negative mindset. It constantly had me thinking that I was the reason why they didn't want to go on another date or I was the reason why they just didn't want to hang out with me.
Sometimes people just suck.
I am constantly getting the question, "What are you doing with your life?" Well let me answer that, I finally have an idea. I am gonna go home to Ohio and learn how to be independent. I am gonna get my mental health together and hopefully be on my way to Idaho in the fall.
I am nervous as heck about this new adventure after being here in Vermont but hopefully everything goes well.
Right now, I am still figuring out my mental health and how much I can handle and figuring out when I need help but I am okay and I am learning how to be happy again.
Until next time,
Kyrsten
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