365 One Year

365 days ago, May 1st 2017 I made one of the biggest decisions of my life.

I said goodbye to my family and I went to treatment because I was suicidal. I just wanted to die.

I remember sitting in the emergency room all day scared out of my mind because I didn't know what would happen next.

This was a long time coming. I remember battling self harm and suicidal thoughts in my early teens and battling more with them in my latter teens/early twenties. 

I didn't want to go but I had to go.

I remember the outbursts and the crying from being manic and just continuing to wish that I wasn't gonna go. I had read and heard horror stories about treatment.

They sent me to a hospital in Mansfield, Ohio where my (then) psychiatrist worked at part time. I remember seeing him and talking to him and feeling like he was the only thing that reminded me of home.

The hospital was lonely and I remember being the only one in my age group there. I was too old for the kids ward but I felt too young to be on the adult ward. I remember being jealous of this guy who I met I think his name was Tom or Tony and he was bright and smiling and he was going home way earlier than me and I was jealous. Way jealous.

He talked about his wife and his kids and how he was going to make his recovery work. He talked about his coping skills and other stuff. I thought maybe if I said that I would get to go home.

Six days.

Six days of treatment and waking up god awful early. Six days of meeting with therapists and nurses who watch you every single second you are up and breathing. Six days of being woken up by ether a nurse needing my vitals or my psychiatrist pissed because in the almost two years I was meeting with him I still took(take) naps.

One year post treatment life is still rough. I still have those days where all I want to do is sit in my bed and cry about everything and anything. Cry because my best friend isn't home yet. Cry because work is hard.

Bur I did it.

I lived to see two milestones. Twenty One and One Year Post Treatment.

Honestly?

I never thought I would live to see ether of those. I thought I would've killed myself by now. I've thought and thought about it but after what God has shown me I think I can still around for awhile longer.

Mental health is way important. You never know who is suffering. It could be your best friend, your neighbor or even someone in your family, be sensitive and supportive as you never know what is going through someone else's head.

Love always,

Kyrsten

Untitled

I have literally been trying to write a blog post for dayss.

Recently, I have done a lot of "spring cleaning" on social media. I have unfriended and blocked people who to me are ether toxic or make me feel negative. Honestly, it feels fantastic. I don't have to look at people's post who make me ether angry or just bring negative feelings into myself. Best decision I have made in awhile. I even unfollowed people on instagram and twitter just because again I didn't wanna see their posts.

I also started this diet where I don't really eat junk food or sweets. Anyone who knows me, knows i adore chocolate and candy and just most junk food. I cut that out of my system so I could lose a little bit of weight and just feel better. It is so much easier than I thought it was gonna be. If I eat any at all, I limit myself. For example at work yesterday, I adore Subway cookies. I mean who doesnt? I ate one and a bag of chips and I didn't eat anymore even though I was hungry and they looked so good. I honestly went to Shaw's and bought some watermelon for dinner cause I mean fruits and veggies are healthy and I adore watermelon.

It came to my attention that I have been officially living in the Green Mountain State for the last FIVE months. I am only excited because I can see the whole 180 that I have done mentally and emotionally since I have first moved here.

When I first moved here, I was overly depressed and sad and I just didn't want to do anything. I left my siblings and the life that I had there. I was honestly scared to leave the doctors that i had there who had my back. I honestly am so in love with Vermont.

Vermont to me has become a place where I am figuring out who I am and who I want to be. It feels amazing. I have a decent amount of friends and I am happy(even on my depression days). While here, I have lost friends who I thought would stick around forever in my life and honestly I was super sad at first and now I am just like if you want to leave there is the front door. You could honesty say I have developed a chip on my shoulder but in reality I have just learned to stick up for myself and not hide.

I've learned so much about what people I want and deserve in my life. Yes, I am talking about dating. It is a pain in my butt. I've dated people, got my heart broken, and learned to say goodbye to the blue eyed boy who obviously doesn't want to be in my life. I won't lie when I say I haven't cried about it but everything is a lesson. God has a plan.

I am not gonna lie and say that sometimes it sucks to know that I don't know exactly what God has planned for me. I am calm in knowing that everything happens for a reason.

I am doing okay. My mental health isn't 100% and I don't think it will be for awhile but I am working on it. I can't lie and say I am magically healthy. There are some days when I realize that I can't do it and that is okay. I am stronger than my illness. I have learned again what happiness and excitement. If I work towards things in my life then they will happen.

I am not the same person who left Ohio five to six months ago. I am someone totally different and I am finally okay with it. Figuring out who I am and what I want is the one of the most exciting things going on in my life. Yeah, there might be tears along the way and some negativity but I can handle it.

Always yours,
Kyrsten

Dear Love

I didn't believe I could fall in love fast.

Then I met him.

Our first date was one of the most awkward dates I have ever been on. We barley talked and I swore up and down that I would never go on another date with him.

Two days later, I was in the car with him.

The second date was something special, we watched one of my favorite movies and for the first time in log time, holding hands and cuddling brought butterflies. When we kissed for the first time I felt passion and again more butterflies that I hadn't felt in a about a year or so. I forgot what that feeling was.

I wanted him. I wanted more. I wanted to feel the butterflies. I laughed and smiled harder than I have in forever. I fell for his smile and the way that he caressed my hand for twenty minutes. I couldn't take my eye off of him no matter how hard I try. He held me tight and I heard his heart beat and for once it felt like home. I told him about the past and hoping even praying that he would be in the future.

No matter what happens, I am thankful. I am thankful for the boy who made a difference in my life. I could watch him laugh and smile for hours without getting bored. He is the type of guy who hugs you and holds you tight. It is the simple things that you fall for.

I fell for the fact that he was there. He made me realize that I need to live my life now instead of later. For the first time in so long, I felt like letting someone into this crazy thing called life was something I could do. I let him in and opened up. Something that I haven't done really since my engagement. It felt so easy and so natural. I was confused on why I felt like I was on top of the world with him.

I could be happy again. After all the heartbreak and weeks I have spent crying over other guys and other situations, it felt good to have some confidence about something. He felt like coming home. I hadn't felt that feeling since last summer. I mean yeah I've dated guys between then and now but nothing like him.

Nothing will compare to him.

I will always adore that goofy smile after a bad joke. I adore the way he holds me tight and I can fit my head on his chest.

Thank you. Thank you for teaching me how it feels to like someone like a little high school crush. Thank you for letting me be me.

Who knows how this is gonna turn out. I am anxious and nervous about it but hopeful and that itself scares me but no matter what I am thankful.

-Kyrsten

Another Day Another Heartbreak

Happy Monday well almost Tuesday.

It has been such an off day. I've have this nasty cold where I have slept so much. My dad and I had a slight scare of me not having my psych meds. We found out my psychiatrist even though he promised while I was here in Vermont that he would fill my meds claims that he never said that so he refused to fill them.

Luckily that nasty cold of mine seemed like the flu so I went and got checked out and urgent care wrote me a script of my psych meds for the next week while I sort it out with my primary care doctor back in Ohio.

I have had a lot of heartbreak lately. Between the ex that came back and the boy who switched his mind in the matter of hours its been a crazy week or two.

I was ranting to one of my close friends and I told him that all I wanted was to be happy and he said that I wouldn't find happiness in another person. I realized that is sorta what I have been doing lately. I have been drowning myself in my own sorrows and letting people then and expecting me to be happy because they are in my life.

I am going to find happiness by changing the negative things in my life. I have a hard time letting go. Like recently that ex who came back was the same ex that ghosted me in February only to ghost me again last weekend. What did i do? Call him and got his voicemail.

Another situation that is kinda my current situation is that there was this guy from work and hes cute hes a little bit younger than me and we basically closed the store on Monday and we spent hours just teasing each other. So weve been talking for a week and we were gonna go on a date and see where things go. Nope he canceled on our date and then told me that he doesn't think I am the person for him. Okay buddy. It kinda just sucks because I've thought he was cute for like ever and I knew in the back of my hand that I would never get a chance.

Life is life. I have some really hopeful news that I am not ready to share because nothing is set in stone. Just know I am okay. I am alive and trying to kick butt in life before it kicks my butt.

I am trying to make the best out of each situation. For once, I am gonna focus on me and only me. I am hanging in there. Not gonna give up.

-Kyrsten

Cant Stop Wont Stop

I"m still alive but I am barley breathing.

STORY OF MY LIFE.

If nobody believes that seasonal depression is a real thing should move to the Northeast for the winter and tell me how they feel.

Not the point of this blog post.

The last month and a half have honestly been the hardest month and a half of my life. I am always open about my mental health struggles. I feel like talking about it helps not only me but helps whoever else is going through the same stuff I am going through.

So lately I have been passively suicidal and honestly I don't think that is going away anytime soon. To those freaking out, calm down I am okay. I am so specific in my fight that I am being honest to the very dot.

Not many people know the difference between passive and active suicidal thoughts so I will explain that before I go any further. "Being passively suicidal means you wish to die. Actively suicidal is just that — you’ve got your plan and you’re planning on going through with the plan." quote from my favorite article explaining the difference probably better than me https://themighty.com/2016/10/the-difference-between-active-and-passive-suicidal-thoughts/ there is the link

Before someone tells me I have no reason to feel this way, you have no right. I feel the way I feel for a reason. Life has been a mess and I am blunt and honest about it.

Between dating, life, school, and work I have been stressed out to to the max. I spend weekends forcing myself to do simple things like get out of bed and do laundry and maybe even leave the house. The week is exhausting from working 33+ hours trying to pay for my life basically. Life and school is expensive. My body has learned what constantly crying is. I swear I cry a couple times a week about something - kinda anything to be honest.

I made a post of how dating has triggered my depression and anxiety and I thought I'd shed a little light on that. I got out of a relationship from someone who decided that calling me and texting me was a good idea to break up with me. He lives in the same city as me.

After that relationship, I beat myself up for that ending and most of my past relationships so I had this very negative mindset going in dates and when I was getting to know people I still had that negative mindset. It constantly had me thinking that I was the reason why they didn't want to go on another date or I was the reason why they just didn't want to hang out with me.

Sometimes people just suck.

I am constantly getting the question, "What are you doing with your life?" Well let me answer that, I finally have an idea. I am gonna go home to Ohio and learn how to be independent. I am gonna get my mental health together and hopefully be on my way to Idaho in the fall. 

I am nervous as heck about this new adventure after being here in Vermont but hopefully everything goes well.

Right now, I am still figuring out my mental health and how much I can handle and figuring out when I need help but I am okay and I am learning how to be happy again.

Until next time,

Kyrsten

Youre Still The One

I told myself that I wouldn't talk about it. But yet here I am prompted to write a blog post.

Life has been crazy lately. Actually this whole month has been hectic. I found out that someone who I was dating for a few months and I had know for a long time cheated on me and then totally ghosted me. That was a hard pill to swallow and for awhile I was sad about it and I didn't know what to do.

I eventually threw myself into work and that itself was mentally and physically exhausting. Being a cashier in a tiny town is something else. Lately I have been working a lot of mornings and everyone who knows me knows that I love my sleep and so that itself has been hard.

I know the one thing people are curious to know is my Facebook post. I said I needed privacy but I also want people to know so they don't assume things.

I recently got into another relationship. It was with someone who for the first time made me feel like things were decent. It seemed like I was finally going to be happy. I was into music again and I was going to start writing. It was like the sun came out again in my life.

Well that relationship ended in a phone call.

I cried myself into a panic attack. I wasn't having a good day mentally. I was overthinking my relationship and I was trying to figure out my life. It honestly sucked because I thought I was with someone who understood my anxiety and depression and that I could fully be myself.

It led to me questioning everything. Right now, I have a giant wall up for everyone. I had recently lost some friends to some pointless drama so between that and my breakup I was emotionally and mentally spent. I spent the night questioning on what the hell I did wrong. I took it slow or at least tried to. I tried to not overthink it. I think the only thing is that I made it facebook official.

I am sitting here trying not to cry because I don't know what I am doing anymore. I feel like everything good that happens is destroyed because of me. My relationship was new and I wanted to protect it because at the moment it was the only positive thing going on. So right now, I am trying to figure out my life. It triggered my depression and my anxiety that I couldn't concentrate at work. I have been just feeling very mentally exhausted.

My life is a big question mark right now. Sometimes i think its gonna go one direction and then it totally goes the opposite way. I wish  I knew what I was doing. I wish that things would go the way I want but hey we don't always get what we want in life.

So I am asking for thoughts and prayers as I try to get mentally better. I am going to master some self care tips and hope that my depression and my anxiety don't eat me alive.

Twenty One

January 24th is my twenty first birthday. To most people it is a celebration of being legal. Yes I am excited to finally be legal but I am more excited to be alive.

In 2017, I was in the hospital twice for suicidal thoughts and other mental issues. I learned how to deal with my feelings and with the help of medicine and therapy I am here writing this blog.

Honestly, I didn't think I was gonna be alive to see twenty one. I have had the hardest year. Between my broken engagement and hospitalizations and everything else I wanted to end it all. But i am here. I am here to say I got through it.

Everything in my life changed and it was so overwhelming. I cried till I couldn't and I've developed some really bad habits like skipping work when I am having a rough day and sulking in my room. I thought my life would be extremely different..

I am learning to be okay with the things in my life. I am okay with the fact that the Lord wants me to be in Vermont for a little bit longer. I am learning to be okay with my job that drives me a little. I am learning who I am and who I need to be.

I haven't given up on my health when I thought I was going to. I thought I was gonna be married to a Mormon boy and I thought that maybe I would start having a family by now but Heavenly Father has a different plan for me.

Learning that the Lord has a different plan for me has been crazy. I didn't think I would be in Vermont haha. I love being in Vermont. I actually don't hate my job all the way. I have talking to customers and what not.

I am alive. My life isn't the greatest and it isn't the worst but I have learned to take it day by day. I've lost so many friends in the last year but learning who my true friends are is one of the best feelings in the world.

In the next year, I am hoping to get more of my mental health under control. I am hoping to go back to college in the next year. Where? Who knows? That is currently up to the Lord.

 I am thankful for what has happened in the last year. I am thankful for the people who have stood beside me and helped me throughout all sorts of things.

Heres to twenty one.