Welcome To Sunday

In the words of Brian Logan Dales, Welcome To Monday.

To me, it's Welcome to Sunday. Welcome to the fact that I am winning at least for now.

I fought the weekend war. Well at least most of it. 

Lately, it has been a crazy couple of weeks where I didn't think I was gonna win. I had many meltdowns and breakdowns and situations where I just wanted to lay in bed all day and probably cry.

But I haven't. 

I won today.

I went to church for the first time in months for myself. Not for the fact that people were like, "Go to the church. Go to church and your problems will be all gone." I went to feel better and to feel the Lord's love for me. Let me tell you going on Easter Sunday was amazing. We sang all my favorite Hymns and it just felt good to realize that I didn't care what others thought of me anymore. I am going for me(when I can thanks to work)

I'd like to announce this now but pictures are gonna come when it happens that I am getting my first tattoo. I am getting a semi colon butterfly in honor of mental health. It is gonna have all the colors that represent my mental health and whats going. 

I am excited to get that tattoo to hopefully bring some awareness to Mental Health and to show other people they are not alone. Some Mormons do not get tattoos. We are advised to keep our bodies as temples. My body itself has been through hell and back especially recently. I am getting it as a reminder to myself that it is okay to struggle. My story isn't over and I am not gonna let it be over.

Also, I want to talk about 13 Reasons Why while I have everyones attention. 13 Reasons Why is a wonderful show. I love the actors and all the dynamics that go along with it. That being said, it is also very triggering. I found myself in a very tight spot on top of other things.

It personally brings awareness to suicide and self harm etc, but what angers me is the jokes that have recently come about this show. *Spoiler Warning* Hannah made those tapes to explain why she killed herself. Other people's actions influenced it. That should teach people to take their actions more seriously and just mental health in general more seriously. Not just making jokes about, "Oh someone did something." "Welcome to your tape."

Not what happened at all.

I am looking forward to the future and I hope I still have the love and support of my friends and family.

Also, Happy Easter.

Kyrsten

My Name is Kyrsten

I've seen a lot of posts and videos of friends sharing their stories about mental illness and what not so I decided to share some more details about my mental illnesses and everything else.

My name is Kyrsten and I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
 Now I obsess my thoughts. I obsess with how people think of me and how they feel about me. I have to have things in a certain order. It also bugs me when things are not even. I got my diagnosis in June ish of 2016. I was shocked but it made sense. I remember sitting with my therapist and he was explaining this to me and I felt relief. I felt like I was finally getting answers about what was going on in my head.

My name is Kyrsten and I have Depression.
 I officially was diagnosed with depression in May of 2016 while doing preparing to serve a mission for the LDS church. My doctor told me I wasn't mentally ready to go. I have struggled with depression for as long as I remember. I am a survivor was self-harm. I used to cut myself. I am clean as of a couple of months and I am proud. I am learning about my triggers and how to deal with them.

My name is Kyrsten and I have Anxiety.
 This was diagnosed the same day I was diagnosed with depression. And honestly? It has been my worst nightmare. I struggle still so much with new people and dealing with situations I don't want to deal with. I used to at work and have constant anxiety attacks. It was terrible. I had to tell myself that it would be over and that it would get better. I am now on medication that controls my anxiety and helps a lot with my brain and how I think and feel. I give my medication so much credit because in a way I feel like I wouldn't have survived this whole process with them.

My name is Kyrsten and I have Anorexia.
 This is hard. I recently got diagnosed with this. I have lost about 12-15 pounds in over two months. I have little to no appetite and I am scared to get fat. My doctor is worried about me and tells me I have to drink Protein shakes to attempt to get my appetite. It has been a little over two weeks since I have learned this and I have finally realized after looking at my weight after my weekly weigh ins that losing so much weight is so unhealthy. I hate my body more than I did when I had lots of weight. I currently weigh 92 pounds. Scary right? I should be about 100-105 pounds for my age and height. This disease has ruined my pleasure of food. For awhile, I would count calories and be like no I need to not gain a lot of weight but ill gain only a little. It didn't hit me that it was real until I sat down with my sisters almost in tears and told them I was sick and had Anorexia. My boyfriend and parents knew but I was still in denial. At first, it was constantly being told to eat and to keep eating and I didn't want to be forced to eat. I realize now that I need people to be like eat some food but at the same time don't get mad if I am not hungry. It is a scary disease. I am scared but I am facing it full force.

This is my story. I have an eating disorder and multiple mental illnesses. It's okay. I have comfort in my boyfriend and family and others who have inspired me to share my story.  Mental illnesses are so real. I spend my days off ether at doctors appointments or mentally recovering from days before and mentally preparing for the day. It sucks. It sucks to cry all the time because your mind is all over the place. It sucks when you wanna hang out with friends but your depression and anxiety make you just wanna lay in bed all day and do nothing. I spend days sleeping or just watching netflix because I cant physically or mentally do anything else.

This isn't a pity story of the girl with issues. This is a story that I needed to share. I have realized I am not alone. So here is all of me in the worst and sometimes the best way I can offer.

Enjoy.

-Kyrsten

Life updates and Pregnancy??

So I felt the need to make this blog post for a numerous reasons.

First of all, please don't believe everything you hear.
Second, rumors most of the time are not true.
Third, I have a phone. Call me, text me, Heck even use facebook or any of my social media not my father.

Moving on, life has been life. I've been good. That feels good to say that. Recently I have had an increase of my anxiety/depression/ocd medicine and that has been a life changer. That and yoga has been a huge stress reliever.

I have to admit. I also have a great support system with my mom and my boyfriend that has made things a lot easier.

As much of you probably heard, I got cats! Two six(Probably like eight or nine now) month old cats who are my life and joy. Their names are Nemo and Merlin. Go stalk my instagram and facebook for pictures of my babies. They have spent my bad days cuddling with me and making me feel like I have a purpose in life and that I have a reason to live on days when I don't feel like I have one. They are the reason why I laugh and smile a lot more.

Anyways, lets get to what I really want to address on this blog post. So first I am going to come out and just be up front with this. I wanted to post a fake sonogram on April First to fool people I was pregnant. Now why would Kyrsten do this?

Well, as of Sunday night I got a call from my dad saying he got off the phone with someone asking him if I was pregnant. Lol what no seriously really? Yeah, true. There are rumors going around that I am pregnant and this rumor started roughly two months ago. So I am writing this post to enlighten you all.

Let me tell all, that I weigh the lowest I have since like middle school. I also wouldn't get pregnant at my age and I know better. Anyone who knows or cares about me would at least know me better that I wouldn't be that person. I have enough health issues that still need to be taken care of before I ever decide to get married and pregnant so that being....

I AM NOT PREGNANT NOR WILL I BE FOR A LONG TIME.

Oh also, I tag my boyfriend in baby stuff all the time because i love babies and I can't wait to be a mother someday and he hates the fact that I have baby fever

I don't know who started the rumor nor do I care. Just come talk to me. Seriously. I wasn't angry. I laughed. I was in the rumor mill for the first time since high school kinda fun.

But really, me being pregnant. Has anyone seen me in the last two months? I literally weigh nothing and dropped two pants sizes.

So other than that subject I needed to address, I can't complain. I have a great future coming up that  I an so excited for and ready.

Life is good and I am ready to take it head on.

Yours truly,
Kyrsten

My Struggle with Religion pt.2

Disclaimer: *I wrote a basically less detailed version of this post so if you wanna check it out click on the link! Part One also this post is gonna be very open and honest

Life has been life. That is the best way to put it. I've recently been through a lot and it has kinda interfered with church and what not.

I believe in The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I have for as long as I can remember.

It has just been ever since I was told I can't go on a mission it feels like everything to do with religion has fallen apart. All I wanted to do was to serve a mission and because of my mental health and physical health I can't. It sucks.

I've distanced myself from church. I've stopped going for the fact of judgement. I'm twenty and not married and most Mormons figure that if you don't go on a mission, it's time to get married. I'm not dating a member of the church and I've honestly seen a lot of backlash from that too. I've lost some goof friends because of that and other unrelated issues that are not going to be mentioned in this post.

I have three of my close friends serving missions, and everytime I hear from them it just warms my heart of what they doing. They are spending a year and a half to two years of their life dedicating their lives to the Lord. It is beautiful. I miss them terribly don't get me wrong. There are weeks where them being able to email back and forth for a bit is the only day I look forward to in a week.

It's always been a struggle with religion with me but it has been harder recently with the fact that being judged for some things that are out of your control I just can't really comprehend it. Why do it?

Now, I believe in God. I know that God has my back and I feel like I don't need to prove it to anyone else but my own.

I am slowly figuring out myself and how to better take care of myself and my mental state. It has been a challenge and it is something that I have found that I need to put myself first. It's perfectly okay to take a break from something that is negative and stressing you out.

That's advice that I have given other people who decided to take breaks from things like social media and etc but to me, right now its church. I need to figure out how to deal with the judgement and the fact that people really don't approve of me dating someone who isn't a member. So I mean it's gonna happen until I feel comfortable about everything.

Recently, my friend started his own blog and he is doing it to clear his head and to get his thoughts out.

So this is me getting my thoughts in better detailed what has been constantly going through my head recently.

Until next time!

-Kyrsten

2016 In Review

I'm alive well getting over strep but hey blogging world how is it going?

I haven't written a blog post since August and it is now Christmas Eve well probably Christmas Day or the day after by the time anyone gets to this post but not the point.

I can't believe 2016 is basically over! I always try to think of the year in review for my sakes and how next year can get better. In my opinion though, I loved 2016 while most people hated it. Yeah politics sucked and other things but life is life.

This year has been insaneee. I started it off in Idaho and will end it in Ohio. I started this year kinda scared of what was going to happen. I knew I was going to be taking classes winter semester and that ended up me coming home from school three months early.

In those three months, I started on some medications for my mental health issues. I started seeing a psychiatrist who I am thankful for. I realized that my mental illnesses don't defy me. I am still the same old me before I found out about these. I am the weird person who binges on netflix and loves food.

I sent some friends off on missions. Yeah, its hard. I never thought it would be so hard to send your best friend on a mission. Two years is such a long time. My friends are awesome. My closest friends are serving in Mexico City North, Temple Square, and Colorado Denver South. I am thankful that my really weird schedule of life still allows me to find the time to talk to them for a bit each week even if its one or two emails.

I've lost friends. Well I had a friend from my old high school that committed suicide. That was the closest I had been to a death in a long time. I cried for hours. It wasn't fair. It still isn't fair.

Ive had a few relationships this year. I almost got engaged. Lol funny but true. It wasn't meant to be. He is great. He deserves nothing but the best and he knows that for sure.

I met someone else who I'm still with. He is something special. He takes care of me when I need it. He is my best friend in the entire world. I don't know what I would do without him honestly. He makes me laugh and smile when I need to smile and drives me crazy all at the same time.

I have learned about life and love and how to take care of myself. I am the happiest I have been in a long time. Mental Health and finding the people worth being around is SO SO WORTH IT. I never realized how important it was to put myself first for once.

My advice to anyone struggling is so hang on. Life gets better trust me. As someone who suffers from OCD, Anxiety, and Depression. I understand.

I started the week of Christmas having Strep. Literally the worst thing in the world. I don't wish it on my worst enemy, I felt like death up until Thursday roughly. I'm still a little sick but im on the mend and I get to enjoy Christmas with my family so I am stoked.

I promise to everyone I will try to make more updates in the next coming year. If anyone wants to keep up with my writing I write for a website called The Odyssey through BYUI. Here is my profile :https://www.theodysseyonline.com/@kyrstenleake  if anyone wants to look though my writings. I usually post a new article on Mondays and they will always be on my Twitter and Facebook pages.

I love you all!

Thank for the love and support this year.

Here is to the new year!

-Kyrsten

Swim for Brighter Days

Life has been hectic.

Actually, I don't even think hectic even begins the explain or describe the last four months or so of my life. I don't know how to even start to explain it but everyone in a way deserves to know what has been going on.

I blog and I share my life because in some sort way I feel like someone out there reads this and is like man I needed this right now or I know exactly how she feels.

I am open about my struggle or in a way I try to be. I closed myself out to others and to a lot of things in a way that was so not healthy and it took awhile to realize that I need to get my life totally back on track.

I was drowning. I was gonna go on a mission. I came home from school all excited all beyond ready. And then once you hear the words that you were diagnosed with anxiety/depression/ocd all within weeks it hits you like a ton of bricks. There went my hopes and dreams for a mission.

On top of that, my knees decided they wanted to act up again. I went back to the doctor after a failed surgery and we tried a shot and still pain. Then my right knee started acting up. Well ya know two not working knees how lovely right.

My world was falling apart. I was in a relationship where I felt the need that I needed to perfect. I needed to be this strong person whose issues could easily be solved with the words, "I love you" and "I promise things are going to be okay." After hearing those words, I became so angry with myself and the world. I shut him out when I don't think he knew it and I shut my friends out for weeks when I couldn't figure anything out.  Things were not okay. They were not getting better.

I ended that relationship because I wasn't ready. I loved him and in a way I still do. I ended it because I needed to remember that I don't need to strive to be perfect. I wanted to be the girl who was strong and he could always go to and that he would marry someday in the temple. I wasn't strong. I kept my issues and listened to him and bottled everything up until I broke. He trusted me with everything and I couldn't tell him that secretly I was just drowning.

 All my issues were not gonna be solved with the words "I love you" and "Things are gonna be okay." I knew inside that those words never helped yet I continued hearing them and I kept silent. I let him believe that I was okay when I wasn't and it wasn't fair to him. I wasn't who he thought he was and that made me really realize how I couldn't continue dragging him into it.

It wasn't until I saw my psychiatrist for the first time that my life made sense. Before I saw him nothing made sense in my mind of why I thought the way I did and why I couldn't control things that were happening and what happened in the past.

That being said, I am taking a year off of school. I am going to focus on getting in control of my mind and i am going to solve what the actual heck is going on with my knees. And for me to type that is one of the hardest things ever. Anyone who knows me knows I love BYUI. Holy heck I love Idaho and I love my mountains and not seeing my friends in the fall sucks so much.

But honestly I am learning to be okay. I am learning more about myself than I thought I would.This next year is gonna be me getting my life on track. I am going to learn how to cope with my mental health.

My mind has been a mess but I am not ashamed to share anymore what I have been going through lately. I am not scared anymore to say I was so sad and sometimes I still am and I am figuring it out. I am still the same weirdo who loves pizza and french fries.

I am figuring out that I will be okay. I will figure out what I am meant to do and who I am meant to be.

I am okay.

There is a song by the band Jack Mannequin. It is called Swim.

That song literally is currently the anthem of the last four months especially looking back of how far I have come. If anyone would've asked me how I was a month or two I would have looked at you dead in the eye and lied and said I am fine and that my life was just peachy.

The lyrics, "I swim to brighter days despite the absence of sun choking on salt water I'm not giving in I swim." saved me during a breakdown.

I will literally win and swim for brighter days to be happy no matter how hard it is. I deal with the bad days and praise where I can look at my best friend and say I had a good day.

I really love and appreciate my dad and some of my close friends for really sticking by me for the last couple of months and dealing with the fact that I am truly finding myself and dealing with my issues. You are the reason I continue to fight this battle!

Mental illnesses are no joke. That being said I am not ashamed of the battle I fight daily.

Until next time.

Kyrsten

Like a Broken Vessel

Im currently sitting in my house writing letters to friends on missions and blasting music from 2004 because I can.

In reality, this morning already I listened to a conference talk that I should've listened to weeks ago and I read this months ensign.

I have been hiding the fact that I have been really angry with myself and God and the way that things have turned out.

Now why the frick am I sharing this?

Well for one I am not gonna sit here and lie to everyone or give people this false hope.

As many know I started my mission papers. I've come across multiple health issues that currently prevent me from going.

And honestly that freaken sucks.

All I have wanted for years is to wear that name tag across my chest and sharing the word of God that saved my life somewhere in the world. Heavenly Father has other plans.

I have been so angry about it. I kinda shut out my friends and kinda pulled back from society. I still attended my church meetings but yet I was angry of why this happened when I wanted it so bad.

My boyfriend kept telling me Heavenly Father has a plan and no doubt I didn't believe that. It just for so long I was convinced that me swerving was apart of this plan.

It wasn't until really yesterday that Elder Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles shared a video Like a Broken Vessel (go check it out) that it really hit me. Mental Illness is no joke.

Heavenly Father has not given up on me the last couple of weeks so why am I going to give up on myself? He has a plan for me and I slowly but surely have to figure that out even if that includes not serving a mission now.

My health issues do not define me and I am not going to let them define me like I have been doing the last couple of weeks. It happens. I was meant to start my papers for a reason and maybe someday I will figure out that reason.

I am still the werido who wishes both of my knees were functioning and enjoys mountain dew way more than I should. I am still the weirdo who works at your neighborhood Mcdonalds but secretly wishes she had another job(it is fine kinda sorta).

I am still me and that is all that matters.

-Kyrsten