it is almost midnight or whatever time, I should be sleeping but I am doing my therapy homework and blogging.
You read that right, I am doing therapy homework.
Mental illness sucks and I am angry about it.
I am angry I have spent so much time in therapy rewiring my brain because of a PTSD diagnosis. It is sad and it hurts and that it is.
I am normally SO open with my mental health and just in general so hiding this little diagnosis and being ashamed in a way is something else.
I have been exhausted the last couple of weeks due to treatment and just the world basically. I have been trying to work through what my therapist has told me and having that eternal battle in my head. My brain has been so stuck the last 23 years that retraining it to think COMPLETELY different seems like learning how to walk.
I have cried every week since I can remember. I have had to feel every emotion because avoidance is bad. I have had numerous panic attacks(including the one tonight that inspired this blog post) and again it is exhausting. Mental health is no joke.
I listened to a church conference this weekend and I listened to a part that said summiting to God's will and His plan and i loved it. God has put in my life the resources and tools needed to work through this diagnosis. He wants me to heal so I can have a better life. It took SO long to get to the point admitting maybe therapy would help after a bad experience but I wouldn't change this experience.
I say that because this isn't gonna last forever. I know God wants me to heal and knows exactly what I am going through. I was also ashamed of this diagnosis. I was ashamed to say because of childhood trauma that no one realized happened I have to train my brain to think completely different.
Kinda mind blowing to say the least.
This pandemic, this year has brought out the worst with mental health. Check on your friends, encourage them to not ghost their therapists(advice I needed after slightly considering skipping my own session tomorrow). Breathe, take a bath, do whatever.
For me, I am going to finish my homework, go to my session tomorrow and remember constantly that my diagnosis isn't the end of the world. It is nothing to be ashamed of and it is something I am going to go up and down through treatment with. I will get better as long as I keep going.
