Life goes on put a sad song on.
Just kidding well kinda.
The last 365 days have been the hardest 365 days of my life. Every single day brought a new challenge a new direction. It brought something every day.
I made a decision a year ago that basically put my life into perspective. It made me finally put myself first which is something that I haven't done in a heck of a long time.
I think one of the most important things that I did in the last year was finally put myself first instead of others. I let myself feel everything and cry it out when needed. Made for some long nights and some days but crying it out sometimes always helps. I fell in love with the sound of me laughing which is weird but hear me out. I forgot how to laugh genuinely so when I finally started to laugh again, it felt so good. I felt like I could finally be happy.
I decided in the last year to be selfish. I started this program through BYU and let me tell ya I wouldn't trade that for the world. Yes i CONSTANTLY complain about it. Okay but it is school. But regardless, it has been quite the adventure that I wouldn't trade. It made me realize that I do know how to do the whole thing again and I can finally put myself in a bigger program at one point.
I really stuck with my relationship with God. Well, God never gave up on me when in the last year lots of people did. I don't think I would be alive without the grace of God. It was through lots of prayer and strength that I stayed alive in moments in the last year when I honestly didn't. I was so sick and tired of dealing with the pain I was dealing with.
I am genuinely happy. I have some pretty amazing people in my life currently. They have been such a rock throughout life, school, everything else and I am thankful. They dealt with all the tears, all the complaining, and always lifted me up in the end.
I learned to rely on myself and not on someone else. When I didn't think I would recover from the decision a year ago, I powered through. I didn't rely solely on other people, I forced myself to move on. I forced myself to continuing living and i made it. I have to say life isn't too bad right now. Yes it can have its days. Like today honestly because I hit that one year mark, it's a weird day. Mental illness never helps.
Talking about mental illness. My mental illness and I have gotten into more fights in the last year than both my inpatient treatments (funny? Probably not. Oops.) I have used some really high quality coping skills and learned what the heck works. My mental illness is not always rainbows and butterflies. Somedays it is having no motivation to get out of bed. Sometimes it is buying WAY too many shoes during a pandemic (yeah that happened.). I am managing it the best I can and I will continue to do so the way I know how.
I didn't think I'd make it to this mark. To describe how I felt at a certain point of the last year, it felt like I was drowning and I couldn't swim for air. I survived and I powered through the hardest year and let me tell ya I am so damn proud for surviving something that I never thought I could.
