Consquences

Today I choose to not be quiet anymore.

The last two months have been the hardest two months of my life. I have probably sat in my bed debated more stuff that is going on. I questioned myself and everything around me and for awhile I felt like I was drowning. I went to work, went to church, and got sucked in this cycle that I didn't know how to get out of until recently.

Two months ago, I started talking to and seeing someone. It turned very dysfunctional real fast. He was sweet and caring behind closed doors, we danced in his kitchen, stayed up till five am laughing and singing, he slowly became everything I wanted. But when it came to not being behind closed doors I only existed when he wanted me to exist. I prayed all the time for a miracle.

I became very angry and very sad. I ranted to friends and coworkers without saying a name about the guy I liked who was stressing me out. I found myself glued to my phone waiting. Waiting on a message, hanging on to every word, hoping that maybe he'd want to hang out with me. I remember caring about work enough to get back because I was stressed.

It became very unhealthy just keeping this secret.. He lived his life and I was basically sworn to secrecy. I coped in the worst ways. I spent Friday nights partying then Saturdays kinda stumbling into work laughing about what stupid thing I did the night before. I would stay up till 4-5 am when I was with him just so I could spend sometime with him. Then I would go work my eight hour shift after getting up at 9-10.

Nothing in that situation with this guy I was in made sense or was even good. It took me honestly so long to see how dysfunctional about it. No matter how many times I tried to tell him that I wasn't someone he could just keep a secret, it seemed like things would never change. I also never really knew how he felt. I opened up and tried so hard to communicate and I got the same thing over and over again.

At one point during a monthly meeting with my local church leader, I ended up almost breaking down. I told him how I was sad and stressed and I just was struggling to cope. He suggested that I start using church services to get into therapy to maybe start feeling better.


I tried to tell myself that he was going to change. Someday he was going to wake up and realize that I was not keeping a secret. It wasn't until very early Saturday morning that I ended up walking away. I kept telling him that I deserved better and that no one needs to be kept some dirty little secret. I couldn't stand seeing him at this place and work and him acting like I barley existed. He shut me out completely and I was over it. I was over feeling like complete crap. I knew I had to let go even though walking away was the hardest thing I have ever done.

Coming to the realization that I deserve better and that I need to focus on myself and my mental health has been challenging but so rewarding in itself.

I have learned in the last couple of days that silence and distance is sometimes the best medicine. I have learned that I need to put myself first and not lose myself in some guy. I refuse to compromise my recovery and my happiness.

It is going to take a heck of a long time. I don't know how exactly how I am going to come back from this but I promise I will come back and rise again.

Hard Times

When I was 18 graduating high school, I had a plan.

I had this plan that I would go out to college in Idaho for all four years and become a journalist. Then my life changed.

I didn't have enough money to pay for my second semester and I ended up dropping out and coming home. Upon coming home, I had this impression to serve a church service for The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. After starting that process, I ended up getting diagnosed with depression and anxiety and spent the next year and a half getting healthy.

I told myself after getting healthy I was going to go back to school. I was very adamant on ether going back to Idaho or when Idaho wasn't an option I decided to stay local. Well again, life happened and then my dad and I moved to Vermont.

I have figured out that basically every time I try to figure out a specific plan for anything from life choices and dating to church and everything else in between something happens. It is something that has recently come to my attention that I need to take for face value.

I had a plan for two major important conversations that I needed to happen with someone. I went in semi prepared. I was sadly rehearsed just in case and as the story goes nothing happened the way I wanted it to happen. Especially with the second conversation, I was left very frustrated and felt like I needed to say much much more. But maybe I did say everything that was needed to be sad.

I believe in fate. I believe that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes you meet someone and they turn your world upside down. They make you feel things that you never thought in a million years you would. Sometimes you make a plan to visit home and then feel the need to push it a month sooner. Sometimes you find a way to get the mental help you need.

I have learned that things work out they way they need too not how I want them to go all of the time. Maybe it is not the timing or the way I needed it to but it is the way that the universe and God needs them to be. I am starting to be okay with that. I have slowly but surely realized that sometimes things in my life and I need to trust that they will work out.

No matter what happens in my life especially in the hardest of times, I know there is a plan for me. I know that everything happens for a reason and that I am slowly learning that everything is going to work out the way that they need to.

I am confident and scared but I mean what is life without a little adventure?