Life is weird.
Blog over.
Just kidding I promise.
I have to come to the conclusion that nothing is easy. Nothing is easy that is not completely worth it.
I recently have spent the last week or so beating myself up over stupid little stuff. I have cried over not getting a reply and I cried over just wanting to be back home but in the end I shouldn't beat myself up. It is worth it. It is completely and utterly worth it.
Life doesn't always need to make sense. Sometimes you will have a perfectly good day and then something really hard will rock your world. Sometimes you will have a terrible day and then something magical happens. In my case, I had a couple terrible weeks and something kinda magical happened.
I finally realized that I have been stressing out SO much about what it takes to be happy. Happiness is so simple and so utterly complicated. I have realized that I am happy when I get a good morning text or waking up next to the person I want to wake up to. I am happy when I realize that I am off and I can go home and relax. Today for example, I was overjoyed by the fact that my step mom sent me pictures of my baby brother without me even asking her.
It is the simple things in life. I keep complicating happiness and making everything super hard. Life isn't easy and in the end I have to fight for what I want but also know what I deserve. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be someone's pride and joy. I deserve people in my life who aren't ashamed of me. I deserve nothing but the best in life.
It has taken me forever to realize all of this. It took months of me treating myself like trash. I did things to make myself feel even a tiny bit of emotion. I lost myself for months and I ended up rebuilding myself all over again.
Learning who I am and what I want is an adventure. It has been filled with tears. It has been filled with laughs and smiles and memories that I will probably never forget. I fell in love with being alive again which honestly I didn't think would ever happen. I knew I would be "happy" but in a fake happy type of sense.
Life is weird and scary and complicated. It is all about telling the truth and not hiding from it. It is all about taking risks and hoping that maybe in the end they will all be worth it.
My life is worth living again after a long darkness.
I still have a long way to go. I know that but right now I am content with my progress. I am content with the fact that it gets better. I know that I will still have really bad days. Let's be real, I still have days where I just lay in bed all day and let everything out.
At the end of the day, I will be okay. It will all be okay. That is a life worth living that is for sure.
