When I think of 2018, I feel on top of the world.
This year, I moved out, started over, and found a new life. I found people in my life that I want to stick around and that I think that they want to stick around too so thats always fun.
I started over in Vermont. I mean yes, I was already living in Vermont when this year started but living there and not moving back to Ohio was the best choice I have made.
I started this year getting over all the drama from the year before. I was struggling to keep myself and the relationship I was in going and it ended up just not working out. I ended up becoming very manic and not really dealing with reality.
I soon hit a low point where I then confided in someone who I spent a good chunk of this year finding myself with him then I ever realized. He made me really examine myself of who I was and who I could become. Without him, I wouldn't be at my job or be living in my apartment. Without him, I don't think I wouldve faced my mental illness in the face and really told it that I wouldn't let it ruin another relationship.
The reason why that certain guy isn't in my life is because he couldn't handle my mental illness and I couldn't handle the distance or that's what I tell myself. He is a huge part of 2018. He is one of the main reasons why I survived. Honestly one of three people who helped me get through this year.
This year brought me though, basically the light of my existence. When I found out my step mom was pregnant, I didn't know what to think. Especially at twenty years old. Then I saw pictures of him and my life changed. I decided then I was gonna make sure I was always living. I don't want him to grow up and learn about me through pictures and tears and memories. I want him to know me by weeks I spend with him watching Pokemon and Cat in the Hat. I want him to see pictures we took at family holidays and me giving him advice when he is older. I tell myself that I need to keep going on the worst days because of him. He is my lock screen on my phone and the pure reasons why guys think I have a kid at home when they ask me out on dates and honestly I wouldn't have it any other way. I am forever thankful for Anderson.
I am so thankful for this year. I look back at this year and for the first time in so long that I actually look back and smile. I smile at the trials and get excited at the fact that I made it through. I really made it.
Ive spent some good time in Ohio the last week and a half, and I have been really looking back at the comparison of the difference a year makes. I am not the same girl who left Ohio a year ago. I dont even know the girl from a year ago. Ohio holds a lot of bad memories for me. It holds my rape and it holds the years where I felt like I was living by a thread. Spending time here has made me realize that Vermont is my home. Vermont is where in ways I have gotten my life together. It is the new start I always dreamed about. I got to go somewhere where no one knows me. I got to ignore all the bad things that happened and make new memories.
For the first time in what seems like ever, I can generally say I am happy.
I have been so on top of the world in 2018 and I can't wait to see what the next year throws at me.
